Insatiable (21 page)

I knocked on her door.

“Come in,” she said.

It went inside just as she finished up another phone conversation and hung up the receiver.

“I was calling you up here to congratulate you in person for the way you’ve handled the Ward account. I’ve been getting some statistics. Nielsen ratings, online ad views from a few sites. Not a lot. But enough to say that we think it will be a success.”

“That’s good,” I said, not sure what else to say.

She looked at me over the rims of her glasses. “However, I just spoke with a manager from your floor. Apparently there’s been a... scene between you and another employee?”

Excuses welled up inside me.
She started it; I’ve been under lots of pressure lately; I let my feelings get the better of me; I pretty much told my boyfriend I love him and he told me he wants to go back to the way things were before I said that
.

I didn’t say any of those, though. “There was. I have no excuse for it, but I do regret it.”

Ms. Spencer nodded. “Good, because I don’t want to give you the speech about office etiquette, and how that’s not the type of behavior we expect from our newest, and youngest ever, junior partner. Plus, from what I’ve heard of this specific
employee,
she deserved every word of it.”

I nodded.
She might have deserved it, but that doesn’t mean it was right for me to scream at her like that in front of everyone
.

“I’m glad you understand. And now that the congratulations and the disciplining are out of the way, I wanted to see how you are doing.”

“I tried to follow your advice about not letting work consume me. But I think I made a mistake,” I said.

“Oh? I know it’s not my business, but from what I’ve seen things have been going quite well between the two of you.”

“I don’t think things are going to work out between us. But don’t worry, I’ll make sure it doesn’t affect my work any more than it already has. I fully intend to live up to everyone’s expectations of me here.”

“Don’t be silly,” Ms. Spencer said. “I know that feeling, too. That desire to throw yourself into something to get away from something else. It’s none of my business, like I said, and you’re free to disregard my advice. All I’m suggesting is that you don’t walk away from anything lightly. Sometimes you have to jump a few hurdles before you get to the finish line.”

“I’ll take that under advisement,” I replied, my back stiffening. I knew she was just trying to be helpful, but I didn’t want any advice right then, “Is there anything else?”

“That’s all.”

V
AUGHN

I wanted so badly to the let the old Vaughn Ward reassert himself. To shrug off Quinn as just another of my long string of failed relationships. There were plenty of beautiful and willing women out there, I knew.

I could walk over to that pub on the corner and see if that redhead was behind the bar again. I could go to a party tonight.

The pain would be over. I’d shift my attentions over to someone else. Quinn would just be something of a painful memory like all the others.

I sat on the stoop of my brownstone, watching the pedestrians and the cars go by. I got a few strange looks, and I knew that people recognized me. I didn’t care what they thought.

I kept looking at my car, and I kept squeezing my keys in my hand. It was after five. Quinn would be home. I could go over to her condo, try to talk to her, try to explain things.

Because she was different from all the others. And I knew I couldn’t let her slip away from me like I’d done before. I couldn’t make it that easy on myself.

I could call
, I thought, feeling the lump of my cell phone in my jacket.
She won’t answer
. I knew.

But what good would going over do? Wouldn’t that make me no better than Archer, alternating between screaming at her and begging for her to let me inside?

I could tell how much I’d hurt her. I knew that she had really opened up to me, really showed me her inner self. And I’d turned her down.

Just thinking about the things I’d said to her made my blood boil.
Go back to before you said that? Are you kidding me?

I was a wreck. I had so much baggage I didn’t know how I managed to function at all.
Maybe it would be better if I just left her alone?

I recognized that voice as the one wanting me to return to who I used to be. I wasn’t going to give in. I wasn’t going to give up. Not on Quinn.

I bounced my keys against my palm and then squeezed my fingers around them. Before I could second guess myself I forced myself into the Audi and started down the road.

I wasn’t Archer. I wasn’t going to try and break her door down and I definitely wasn’t going to scream at her. I needed her to understand.

This time when I got to the building the inner security door wasn’t left conveniently open. My finger hovered over the buzzer with Quinn’s name beside it. My heart started racing.

Before I could push on it an older couple walking a small dog left the building. The man opened the door and I took it from him. “Here, let me get that for you,” I said.

They thanked me and left, leaving me holding the inner security door open. I went through and soon stood in front of Quinn’s door.

I knocked.

The peephole went dark and I knew she was on the other side, looking out at me. She stayed there for a while, probably trying to figure out what to do. I wasn’t going to say I knew she was there, I wasn’t going to hammer on her door. I gave her time.

The peephole brightened again, signaling that she’d moved away from it. For a few heart-stopping moments I thought that she’d decided to ignore me.

But then the deadbolt shot back with a sharp metal sound and she opened the door a few inches. The chain kept it from going any more. I nodded, accepting that.

“What are you doing here?” she said. “I don’t want to see you right now.”

I stepped back, not wanting to crowd her.
I am
not
like Archer
.

I nodded to that, too. “I understand. But I know that if I don’t see you now, you’ll make up your mind for good and decide that you never want to see me again.”

She paused, then said, “Who said I haven’t already decided on that?”

“Have you?” I asked.

“I’m still standing here talking to you, aren’t I?”

“Yes, with the chain still on like you’re afraid I’m going to try and batter my way in there.”

She looked at the lock and then back to me. I still found her so beautiful, from her eyes and the way her hair fell to her shoulders. It hurt me deep inside to think that there was a very real chance she would tell me to get lost, never to look at her again.

I could see the hurt in her, too. There was some color in her cheeks. Her eyes looked too wet, and strained. I wanted to make it better. I had to make it better.

“I’m not like him, you know,” I said. Neither of us needed to say who
him
referred to.

“Maybe you don’t threaten to hit me or try and grab me or tell me how worthless I am, but what you said before makes me feel the same way he made me feel.”

“You’re right. I had no right to do that. We’re so good together, Quinn. I know you know that. I think that deserves a second chance. I think
we
deserve a second chance.”

She snorted. “I think you mean that you think
you
deserve a second chance.”

“Maybe I do. You say I always manage to surprise you. Maybe I’ll surprise you again, and show you that I’m a better person than you think I am right now.”

“Then do it. Tell me. Right here, right now,” she said.

“Tell you what?” I replied, my heart starting to thrum in my chest, it beat so fast and hard.

“Don’t play coy with me. If you’re serious about all this you’ll do it here and now or I’m closing this door in your face and I don’t care how long you stand out there waiting for me.”

“Quinn... I...” I started. My collar was too tight around my neck. I tugged at it. I glanced up and down the empty hall.

I looked at her. I wanted to get the words out, I really did. But still they refused to come.

“You know what? That does surprise me,” she said, “Because I thought you might actually be able to do it. Hey, before you move on to your next girl, will you do the world a favor and come to terms with your feelings so that you stop hurting people?”

She started closing the door, closing me out from her life.

“Hey! That’s not fair. Do you think this is easy for me? Do you know how hard it is to stand here and try to overcome all the inertia I’ve built up over the years?”

She stopped and gave me a hard look. “You walked away just when things were getting good. You didn’t even give us a chance.”

I wanted to get angry. I wanted to get so angry. “
You’re
the one who walked away.”

That gave her pause. “Maybe I did. But Vaughn, this isn’t good enough. How do I know that you’re not just trying to soothe a guilty conscience, that in another week or month or year the exact same thing won’t happen again? Can you guarantee that it won’t?”

I looked at her, searching her eyes. She meant it. I wanted to blurt out that yes, I could guarantee it. But could I? Could I, really?

Then I heard someone come up beside me.

“Quinn? Is this a bad time?”

I turned and found myself looking at a woman and two young children, a boy and girl.
The ones she babysits
, I realized. I’d never seen them before this, only ever heard about them when Quinn talked about herself. The mother looked tired, older than she was. But she looked down at her kids with real love.

And the keys looked happy to see Quinn. The boy and the girl looked up at me curiously, wondering who I might be.

“No, Mary, it isn’t. He was just on his way out,” Quinn said.

“Is this your boyfriend, Quinn?” the little girl asked. She was adorable. “He’s so handsome!” She looked up at me again and blushed.

The boy looked between Quinn and me with something approaching jealousy in his eyes.

Someone has a crush
, I thought. I didn’t blame him.

“Charlie!” Mary said, “I’m sorry. Sometimes she just says things.”

“That’s okay,” I replied, smiling my first genuine smile since that fight with Quinn.

The little girl, Charlie, grabbed the bottom of my jacket and gave it a tug. “So, are you Quinn’s boyfriend?”

I looked down at her, and then I looked over at Quinn, who’d undone the chain on her door and now stood leaning against the door frame.

“Why don’t you kids come on in? I think there’s another box of mac & cheese in the pantry I can make for you,” Quinn said, stepping aside and waving the kids in. The little boy frowned at me. Charlie kept looking at me over her shoulder until she rounded the corner.

“You never answered her question,” I said.

“No, I didn’t,” she replied, giving me a level look. Then she turned to Mary. “Another shift?”

“I’m sorry, Quinn. It’s just been so hectic lately. They keep calling me in and I can’t say no with the mortgage payment coming up...” Mary said, trailing off when she looked at me. Her eyes went down and I knew she was embarrassed.

I wanted to tell her not to be, that there was no shame in working hard for your family. But I didn’t know how Quinn would take it, so I stayed quiet.

“Really, it’s no problem,” Quinn said, “Come pick them up whenever you want.”

Mary left. I turned back to Quinn, who hadn’t shut the door in my face yet.

“What?” Quinn said, crossing her arms, waiting for me to say something. Probably something about how good a person she was for babysitting those kids. Something she might consider sucking up.

“I’m not done with you,” I said, trying a smile to see how it went over.

She searched my eyes and for a moment I thought she might relent. “Tonight, you are. Goodnight, Ward.”

She closed the door, leaving me alone in the hallway.

Q
UINN

I leaned against the door for a while, listening to the kids turn the TV on in the living room. Then I went up on my tiptoes and looked out the peephole again, wondering if Ward might still be out there.

He wasn’t. My first reaction was disappointment. I’d come so close to forgiving him there, and when I realized that it had just made me angry all over again and I’d shut him out.

“Is your boyfriend still here, Quinn?” Charlie said, poking her head around the corner and searching the hallway as though Ward might be hiding beneath the little table where I tossed my keys on the way in and out.

“No, he’s gone,” I said.

“Oh... He seemed nice,” she said.

“Yes, he did seem that way, didn’t he?” I replied. Part of me just wanted to forget the whole thing so badly, to start again. But the rest of me, that part of me that had gotten me to dump Archer, to go out and apply to places like C&M kept warning me against it.

He’ll just hurt you again
, that part of me kept saying. So it was better to struggle with it for a little bit now then to make another mistake and get hurt even more down the line.

It was too much to think about at that moment. So I went and grabbed the mac & cheese to make for the kids.

***

W
ork the next day mostly involved moving all the things from my corner cubicle to my new office on the floor above. It wasn’t a corner unit. And it definitely wasn’t as large as Ms. Spencer’s office, but it was mine.

Every time I came up with an armload of stuff, I kept stopping in front of the door to admire the nameplate on the door.

––––––––

Quinn Windsor

Junior Partner

––––––––

I
had to keep reminding myself that that really was my name on the plate, that this wasn’t a dream.

I thought I’d miss my cubicle, but after my little outburst at Trish people kept glancing at me when they thought I couldn’t see. When I went into a room they quieted down, and didn’t look me in the eye.
Do they think I’m going to yell at them, too?