Insatiable: Porn — a Love Story (19 page)

1) It’s 2012. There should be moving walkways everywhere. My favorite thing to do is walk at a normal pace on a conveyor belt (is that what they’re called?) and see all the people I pass who walked on normal ground.

2) People who travel with their own pillows are probably assholes.

April 1

Shot a DP scene today with Toni and Michael. I feel like this might be the last time Toni and I shoot this kind of scene together . . . His face looked angry while Michael was fucking me.

I liked it.

April 10

Did an interview for a documentary about Hello Kitty. I think they were trying to make me cry. They told me about a pedophile who lured victims in with Hello Kitty, as opposed to the usual candy . . . I stayed strong and didn’t let out a single tear.

I’m pretty impressed with myself that I made it out of highschool without a Hello Kitty tattoo. That’s exactly the kind of idiot I was (am?).

April 11

Just had the best fucking sex ever. At one point Toni hit my face a little too hard and now my lip is turning blacker by the minute . . . I kind of like it. I keep pressing the bruise with my finger. It hurts kind of good.

I went to get hash from the clinic this morning (for Toni) and I’m pretty sure I got high just by being there. I was scared to change lanes on the freeway, so I drove 50 mph on the far right lane all the way to set.

April 12

The XRCO Award show was tonight. I won three awards, including Performer of the Year!

For the most part I think my black lip was covered by my lipstick.

I still brought it up to every person I ran into, “Hey, how’ve you been? By the way, this black lip is from sex, not domestic abuse.” I think it ultimately made me sound more suspicious.

I also just realized, why don’t women whose husbands beat them just say that they are into kinky sex? I mean they always give the old “I fell down the stairs,” or “I walked into the door again, I’m so clumsy,” which no one believes anyway. Domestic abuse is obviously wrong, but if they’re gonna stick through it and give excuses, why not give a believable one?

April 21

I’ve always wanted to see someone slip on a banana peel.

April 22

I’m down to three cigarettes a day, but I’m stuck—No matter how hard I try, I can’t do less than three!

I’m fine when I’m on set; it’s when I’m at home . . . I need to get a hobby. The writing is one, but it’s not enough. WHAT ELSE IS THERE?

April 23

Bought SingStar for the PlayStation, Toni and I have been karaoke-ing all day with the windows wide open.

I’m really only good at one song, which is “You Know I’m No Good,” by Amy Winehouse. I play it over and over and sprinkle in a little Britney here and there.

Bet my neighbors wish I’d go back to smoking on the balcony and fucking loudly.

Also:

They asked me to host the AVN Awards this year!

Holy fuck. What am I going to wear? What if I trip?

I’m so excited.

April 26

Getting really good at SingStar. It’s now a daily ritual, wake up at six, drink coffee, sing for half an hour (windows open, of course), work out, go to work.

May 17

Just woke up in San Francisco, dancing here for the next three nights.

I can’t stop masturbating, but that’s okay—I don’t have to be anywhere for another seven hours.

May 19

I fucking love this club! Money is great, and they let me do a dildo show at the end of my set. I’m not a good dancer, so any kind of distraction is a good one.

The only thing I hate is the one-dollar bills. I’m too embarrassed to use them, so I end up leaving thousands of dollars’ worth of singles in my car, for “valet money.” It’s strange, I don’t even think twice before I show my inner organs to the world—but paying for things in one-dollar bills is just too mortifying.

May 23

Just saw the review for a scene I did and I can’t believe my eyes.

It’s for a site called
Shesgonnasquirt.com
. The funny thing about that, is that I’m not a squirter. It can happen, but I’m not in control of it; if a guy knows how to finger me and press all the right buttons to make me squirt, then it happens. It doesn’t necessarily feel good, or bad. I’m still not sure if it’s piss, or something else; if it’s really supposed to coincide with orgasming, or if it’s just a myth, like blue balls, or “just the tip.”

“I’m telling you, I’m not in control of it,” I fucking told Spiegler when he called me about the booking. “I can’t guarantee I’ll squirt.”

“I told them. They want you anyway.”

When I got to set that day, Dave explained to me what was going to happen. They were going to cut during the sex, fill a disposable douche up with water, empty it into my vagina while the penis was in my asshole, and start rolling the camera again when the water was all coming out of me. I had seen scenes like this before and thought they were completely unbelievable and embarrassing for everyone involved. But being that I was already on set, and the male talent was one of my favorites, Johnny, I kept my mouth shut and went along with the plan.

The scene was every bit as ridiculous as I had predicted. About three times per position, we cut and did the douche trick. So much water came out, and there’s no way with that many cuts, the scene came out looking smooth. I was so sure everyone was going to know this was fake.

But today. Today I read the reviews.

“I’ve watched Asa a hundred times, and I’ve
never
seen her squirt like that!”

It’s too much sometimes.

What’s the deal with squirting. Is it piss? It doesn’t feel like it coming out, but sometimes it has a slight yellowish tint to it, and it certainly smells and tastes like it. Does it coincide with cumming, ever? It didn’t for me, but I had seen numerous movies where it seems like the squirting happens while girls have the most intense orgasms of their lives. Were they just exaggerating for the camera, like me? Or am I missing out on something amazing?

May 27

Been shooting nonstop since I got back from SF. Got into an argument on set today on whether or not blue balls are real. I called bullshit; it’s just a way for guys to get their nut off.

I got home and asked Toni if they’re real. He said no. But I can’t tell if he just wanted me to shut up.

June 1

Toni shit with the door open today. I acted disgusted but I’m secretly super-excited. We are a real couple now.

June 7

I just spent the last two hours reading sixty-six pages of celebrity gossip on the
Perezhilton.com
. If I didn’t have anal sex on camera for a living, I’d be a total waste of human life.

June 10

Today is the Puerto Rican Day parade in NYC. More like the Puerto Rican Day Rape parade. I swear someone gets raped there every year.

No one in L.A. has heard of it.

I remember in highschool my friend Christina’s brother was in jail ’cause he allegedly raped someone at the parade in 2001. She told me he was innocent.

“They all are,” I told her. We both knew what I meant.

June 15

Fucking shit! I didn’t get off set until 2 a.m. last night, and halfway home, I got a flat tire. I was too tired to change my outfit to go home, so I was wearing a mini T-shirt that said “Will Flash for Booze” across the chest.

This is exactly how rapes happen!

Luckily Anastasia was still up and came to get me. Her roommate changed my tire while we sat in her car and sang Alanis Morrisette songs.

June 18

Just finished the first night of a dance gig in Atlantic City, tanked. And I mean . . . tanked. Archie (my roadie) kept saying, “That was fucking brutal” every time we returned to the greenroom.

There were never more than six guys surrounding the stage. And the stage was huge. In one corner were two black guys who didn’t look at me once, no matter how hard I tried to force their attention on me. I walked all the way across the stage, about twenty seconds, to the opposite corner, to a drunk man who stingily fed me single dollar bills. I thought he was a fan, until I leaned in close to him and he asked me what my name was.

Tonight I felt like how the world portrays strippers: sad, pathetic, futureless.

People might say dancing on a stage, peeling off piece by piece a bikini that was already skimpy to begin with, for a crowd of horny guys, is degrading. But what’s actually degrading is stripping to a sparse, almost-empty crowd of indifferent men who don’t even notice if my nipples are out or not. And don’t care.

It was mortifying. My ego took a hit, for sure. I started dancing a year ago, which was already four years into my career—I’ve never danced to a crowd that wasn’t full of eager fans waiting to shower me with money.

Was it the venue? Was it the promoter? Or is it my biggest fear . . . that my name simply didn’t draw a crowd?

Selling merch was worse. I sold two DVDs and two lapdances. I’m currently too discouraged to even count my money, but I’m certain I didn’t make enough to even cover Archie’s fee tonight. It will have to come out of the money paid to me directly from the club—something I’ve never done. I always pay Archie out of the money I make onstage—I don’t even dip into the merch money, let alone my check for the gig itself.

I dance again tomorrow night. If I have a few more gigs like this, my soul will start feeding on itself for emotional nutrition and eventually you will be able to look into my eyes and see that they are empty; void of anything, dead inside. Sad, pathetic, futureless.

June 22

I got home today to find my Fleshlight disassembled and drying out on Toni’s bathroom sink. Half of me is flattered; the other half is scared it feels better than me.

July 2

Toni just fucked me prison-style while an Adele song played in the background. If that’s not romantic, I don’t know what is.

Speaking of which:

Sixty-Nine: Overrated. Prison-style: Underrated.

July 4

Happy Birthday, America. I had sex in you for money today.

July 6

Toni left for Spain today. He’ll be back in a month. Wahh.

July 8

I shot a DP scene at 8 a.m. today, got home around noon, and laid on the sofa like a useless piece of shit until the sun went down and I had to get up to turn the lights on.

That’s the saddest thing sometimes, that moment where it’s bright one second, you’re watching TV, browsing the Internet, texting your friends . . . and then all of a sudden it’s dark as fuck and you’re alone in your living room like a lonely idiot.

I keep thinking I’ve done nothing productive today, but then I remember, “Oh yah. I did double anal this morning. I’m good,” and I go back to watching a rerun of
Teen Mom
that I’ve already seen at least twice.

July 11

Heading to Toni’s home in Spain today for vacation. I don’t think I’ll have time to write there.

July 12

This plane ride is the most boring thing I’ve ever done in my life.

Sometimes women shit while giving birth. I just found out. I wonder if anyone has ever shit in their baby’s eye by accident while giving birth, and in turn, that baby got pinkeye?

If I ever give birth, I’m gonna clean my ass out with an enema the second I go into labor.

July 14

Toni’s house here is gorgeous! I’m swimming in his pool every day. I want to look like a beautiful mermaid so I wear my gold bikini and swim with my eyes closed. Goggles are for nerds.

July 16

I give up on looking beautiful. Not only am I succumbing to goggles; I’m wearing a latex swimming cap that makes me look bald and hides my eyebrows so I look like a cancer patient. My bikini keeps falling off so I just go naked now. I guess this will be a true test of Toni’s love.

We shot an anal scene for my website today in front of an abandoned castle. I had to hike up a mountain in my slutty porno clothes, but it was worth it.

July 17

I was texting Mia today, and my phone autocorrected “Asperger’s” into “Superheroes.” Kind of beautiful.

July 24

Just got to Venice and holy fuck, it’s the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen in my whole life. Like it’s breathtaking. We stopped in St. Tropez, and Toni’s beach house in Spain (forgot the name of the town) on the way.

Toni’s family was at the beach house, too. We didn’t have sex the whole three days we were there. I’ve never been so horny.

Everything here is really old, and you can’t get anywhere without riding a gondola (boat). Our paddler (is that what they’re called? boat driver?) sang just like in the movies. I feel magical being here.

July 27

Toni put a plastic bag over my head while he fucked me today.

You can’t say I’m not living dangerously.