Insecure in Love: How Anxious Attachment Can Make You Feel Jealous, Needy, and Worried and What You Can Do About It (2 page)

PART ONE

The Bedrock of All Relationships

Chapter 1

To see a birth is to witness a miracle. No mother can resist wanting to hold, cuddle with, and tend to her newborn. And this is where the story of every person’s life of relationships and love begins.

Infants quite literally need their caregivers for survival. So, thanks to Mother Nature, infants are hardwired with a need to connect with others, and the wherewithal to do it. For instance, they like to look at people’s faces, can get others to care for them by crying, and are usually comforted by being held or rocked. And, of course, babies just look so darned cute that people want to care for them. All of this keeps their primary caregivers (usually their mothers, and secondarily their fathers) interested in protecting and nurturing them. As children become mobile, their continued need for help to survive motivates them to stay close to their mothers. A little one who ventures out will look back to Mommy for reassurance. It’s in these early years, beginning with infancy, that people first learn how relationships can help them feel safe and can calm them when they are upset.

Anyone who’s had experience with babies and young children has observed these behaviors, but psychoanalyst John Bowlby began publishing ideas in the late 1950s about them as signs of an attachment system. He explained that they are designed to keep a “stronger and/or wiser” person—an
attachment figure
—close so that the child can survive and feel safe. He also offered the revolutionary notion that in order for children to thrive, their attachment figures should be warm and emotionally available (Bowlby, 1961, 1989). This idea was in direct conflict with what mothers were taught at that time. The prevailing wisdom was that a sensitive, nurturing approach to childrearing would make children clingy and too dependent. Instead, mothers were encouraged to keep an objective, rational distance, even when their children were upset or ill (Johnson, 2008).

Bowlby’s ideas were generally rejected until researcher Mary Ainsworth helped him prove the truth of his theories through her work in the 1970s, as Wallin (2007) and Mikulincer and Shaver (2007) note. Ainsworth’s studies helped show that through innumerable interactions with their parents—subtle or not so subtle—children develop a way of bonding that seeps into their very being. This way of bonding becomes a
working model
that sets their expectations for how others will respond to them, as well as for how they feel about themselves. Some time later, researchers showed that the attachment process was active in romantic love (Hazan and Shaver, 1987; Feeney, 2008).

While nature provides the attachment system as a way to ensure the child’s survival, attachment bonds developed within that system are felt as love—in both childhood and adulthood. So it’s no surprise that children seek the love of their parents as if their lives depend on it (which they do). Adults experience similar intense anxiety and painful sadness when the existence of their primary relationships (and the love those relationships offer) feels threatened. It’s also no surprise that children who tend to get upset easily and have trouble being soothed by their parents also tend to struggle with being upset easily as adults, and are unable to find a consistent, reliable sense of soothing and safety in their romantic relationships.

Whom do you turn to when you are really upset? At those times, your
attachment system
is turned on; like turning on an internal homing device for which the target or “home” is an attachment figure. When an adult’s system works well, he has a secure style of attachment. He seeks out his partner or other primary attachment figure for reassurance when he’s upset. And once he finds her to be reliably available and effectively responsive, his attachment system turns off. He feels calm and comforted. But people with an insecure pattern of attachment don’t fully or consistently find such comfort in their partners or in others, an indication that their “homing device” is malfunctioning.

Current research (Bartholomew and Horowitz, 1991) suggests that attachment styles (whether secure or insecure) are fundamentally based on two underlying “working models” (or default ways of relating)—a
working model of self
and a
working model of others
.

The working model of self is your sense of how worthy or unworthy you feel of being loved. As you might imagine, when you feel unworthy of love, you also fear being rejected and struggle with
attachment-related anxiety
. You might recognize this as anxiety—a feeling of tension or nervousness. But you could also feel it as other distressing emotions, such as sadness, loneliness, or anger. Adults and children with a strong sense of unworthiness live as though their attachment system, or homing device for an attachment figure, is stuck in the fully “on” position. If you identify with this, you may be constantly in search of reassurance from an attachment figure and chronically feel alone, rejected, or in fear of rejection. And even at the less extreme levels of attachment-related anxiety, people can struggle with feeling somewhat inadequate, and fear being unable to emotionally handle rejection. This book is designed to help you overcome such distress, whatever your level of attachment-related anxiety.

People also have a working model of others—an expectation of whether or not others will be emotionally available to them. To the extent that they expect that others won’t be there for them, they feel uncomfortable with getting close and want to avoid it. This is what psychologists call
attachment-related avoidance
. There are some people who are so sure that others won’t be emotionally available that they decide to be fully self-reliant. They do everything they can to try to keep themselves from feeling the need to depend on someone else. It’s as if their attachment system or homing device is stuck in the “off” position.

Exercise: How Much Anxiety and Avoidance Do You Feel in Your Relationships?

To learn how much attachment-related anxiety and attachment-related avoidance you experience, consider how well you fit the paragraphs below (Ainsworth, Blehar, Water, and Wall, 1978; Simpson, Rholes, and Phillips, 1996; Collins, 1996; Feeney, Noller, and Hanrahan, 1994; Griffin and Bartholomew, 1994; Brennan, Clark, and Shaver, 1998; Levine and Heller, 2010). Rate yourself on a scale of 0–10, with 0 being not at all and 10 being that you completely relate. Hold on to these numbers so that you can use them later in assessing your attachment style.

Attachment-Related Anxiety

Being totally emotionally close with my partner means everything to me. But other people don’t want to be as close as I would like to be, and my desire to be so close often scares them away. When I have a partner, I question myself and am concerned that I’m not as good as him or other people. I’m always worried that he doesn’t care about me as much as I care about him. And I also worry all the time about whether my partner really loves me, will stop loving me, or will decide to leave me. I’m especially worried that he’ll find someone else when we are not together.

Rating: ___________

Attachment-Related Avoidance

I am an independent, self-sufficient person, so I don’t need to be in a close, committed relationship. When I am in such a relationship, I prefer not to depend on my partner or to share deeply personal thoughts and feelings. And it makes me uncomfortable when my partner wants to depend on me or to talk a lot about his thoughts and feelings. When I have problems, I tend to keep them to myself and figure them out on my own, and I’d prefer it if my partner would do the same.

Rating: ___________

As I’ve explained, attachment styles can best be understood by combining the way people relate to themselves (which can create anxiety) and to others (which can result in avoidance). By dividing the dimensions of anxiety and avoidance into high and low, the following four possible combinations are created (see figure 1):

• Preoccupied: High Anxiety, Low Avoidance
  
• Fearful: High Anxiety, High Avoidance
  
• Dismissing: Low Anxiety, High Avoidance
  
• Secure: Low Anxiety, Low Avoidance
  

Figure 1. Four-Group Model of Attachment Styles in Adulthood. Based on Bartholomew and Horowitz (1991), Griffin and Bartholomew (1994), Mikulincer and Shaver (2007), and Levine and Heller (2010).

The original research in attachment theory labeled the attachment styles as being categorically different from each other—just as a woman and a fish are categorically different, unless you are given to believing in mermaids. However, current research research (Griffin and Bartholomew, 1994) shows that this simply isn’t true. Instead, different attachment styles represent “blurry” groups that reveal tendencies, but should not be taken too literally.

Combining levels of avoidance and anxiety works a lot like mixing two primary colors. Red and yellow make orange. However, adding just a little yellow to red creates an orangey-red; and adding just a little red to yellow creates an orangey-yellow. A similar dynamic occurs with the two dimensions of attachment. Consider Ann, who is high in anxiety and
very low
in avoidance, and Dan, who is also high in anxiety but just a
little low
in avoidance. As you can see in Figure 2, both people have a preoccupied style of attachment. However, Dan is more similar to people with a fearful style.

Figure 2. Dan and Ann on the Four-Group Model of Attachment Styles in Adulthood. Model based on Bartholomew and Horowitz (1991), Griffin and Bartholomew (1994), Mikulincer and Shaver (2007), and Levine and Heller (2010).

Along a similar line of thinking, you might belong more in the dismissing or secure category of attachment, but be closer to the anxious end of that grouping. In that case, you will relate to many of the struggles of anxiously attached people without actually being clearly anxiously attached. For this reason, you will also benefit from reading this book.

By understanding the “blurriness” of these groupings, you will be able to use this book more effectively. It is tempting to assess your style of attachment and then pigeonhole yourself. For instance, you might think of yourself as having a preoccupied or fearful attachment style. However, you would not be taking all aspects of
you
—the unique person that you are—into account. The best way to reduce your relationship anxiety and improve yourself is based largely on self-understanding. So when you read about the four attachment styles, think about
how much
you relate to each one, not just which category you fit in.

It’s also important to recognize that your attachment style can change with experience. For instance, consider Heather. She had always felt inadequate as a person, and exhibited a preoccupied attachment style. Her husband, Alan, reinforced this feeling with his frequent focus on her mistakes and shortcomings. He eventually divorced her, leaving her to struggle even more with a deeper sense of being unlovable. But with therapy she began seriously questioning this negative view of herself. For instance, she was able to realize that Alan had been overly critical. Then she met Sam, who valued her thoughtfulness and creativity. She basked in his love and warmth, which melted her remaining self-rejection and helped her to feel more comfortable with being valued by someone else. Romantic relationships often serve as a special opportunity for you to revise your attachment style so as to be healthier—an opportunity that this book can help you to realize.

In addition to assessing your own style of attachment, think about the other styles, too. Consider the styles of your current or past partners, or even your friends and colleagues. Your attachment-related anxiety can prompt you to make quick, and often inaccurate, emotional judgments of others. As a result, you might misunderstand your partner’s emotions, struggles, and behaviors. This can cause significant problems in your relationship. By understanding your partner’s attachment style better, you can understand him and the dynamics between the two of you better. Also, by having a good grasp of secure attachment, you can understand the benefits of working toward this for yourself and you can understand how having a securely attached partner can help you.

One last important caveat before you read about the attachment styles: A simple reading of these styles will leave you with the impression that the only “good” way to have a healthy relationship is to have a secure attachment style. This impression would be wrong. The “best” way to attach is to have a romantic relationship that makes you happy. If you tend toward having a preoccupied style of attachment and are married to someone who also has that tendency, but the two of you are happy—then trust in that. Enjoy it. Your style and life circumstance are right for you. As it happens, one significant way (but not the only way) of finding happiness in your relationship when you are unhappy is to move toward a more secure style. But as you evaluate your life and what you might want to change, it is important that you keep your eye on the real “prize”: happiness in love.

Secure Attachment: Happy in Love

Sue is basically a happy person. She loves her work as an elementary school teacher and thinks of herself as very good at it. In her off hours she enjoys playing tennis and hiking with two of her close girlfriends. She is also happily engaged to Keith, whom she unhesitatingly trusts and relies on for support. Of course, no relationship is perfect. For instance, there was the time when he stood her up for dinner because he forgot about their plans: in the immortal words of Ricky Ricardo, he had “lots of ’splainin’ to do.” But even in that sort of situation, when she gets angry with him, they are able to talk through their problems and she ends up feeling that he really cares.

Like approximately 60 percent of people, Sue is securely attached. Securely attached individuals are basically comfortable with their full range of emotions and feel like lovable, good, caring, competent people. They are also inclined to think of their partners as trustworthy, well-intentioned, sensitive, and emotionally there for them. So they are happy with themselves and in their relationships.

Just as they are comfortable with their relationships in general, securely attached people are also happy with their sex lives. Placing a high priority on emotional intimacy, they tend to remain faithful, feel comfortable discussing sex, and enjoy the pleasures that it has to offer.

If you are anxiously attached and fortunate enough to have a securely attached partner, then you will find this stable and positive way of relating to be comforting, providing an opportunity for you to develop a more secure attachment style.

Preoccupied Attachment: Desperate for Love

Meet Rachel—someone you might relate to, if only a little bit. She looks to her boyfriend, Phil, to reassure her that she is worthy of love because she is unsure of this. But when he is affectionate and shows interest in her, she doesn’t know what to think because it doesn’t fit with her self-perceptions. She constantly worries about how much Phil really cares about her. She’s sure that once he gets to know “the real me,” he’ll immediately leave her. So she constantly worries that he won’t want to get together with her on the weekends. And whenever he doesn’t respond immediately to her texts, she assumes he’s avoiding her. This looming possibility of rejection is overwhelming, and so she is preoccupied with that fear.

People like Rachel who have a preoccupied attachment style are sensitive to the possibility of being overlooked or rejected by their partner, whom they need to protect them. So they use
hyperactivating strategies
to keep their attachment system “turned on” (or activated), which ensures that they will continue to seek out a reliable attachment figure. For instance, they often overreact to problems and underestimate their ability to cope; they might also constantly scan for possible problems in the past, present, and future. In creating all of these negative feelings and thoughts, they heighten their need for an attachment figure and are essentially crying out for one. Unfortunately, those who do this to an extreme can also end up feeling chronically overwhelmed, vulnerable, and needy.

Their sensitivity to any possible signs of rejection unintentionally instigates fights and creates distance in their intimate relationships. It’s a given that at some point their partners
will
misunderstand them, be physically unavailable, or not respond in a caring enough manner; but people with preoccupied attachment styles will view this with alarm. A clear example of this is how upset Rachel becomes when Phil doesn’t immediately respond to her texts. Although people with a preoccupied style might begin a relationship feeling intoxicated by their new love, they often quickly get caught up in their own distress. Then they are apt to see their partners as unloving (or not consistently available), untrustworthy, and possibly unfaithful. This leads to them being possessive and unrealistically jealous. To make matters worse, they are often unable to calm down enough to forgive their partners for any wrongdoing. So their relationships are unstable and easily disrupted by problems. As a result, people like Rachel are usually unhappy in love.

Because their attachment needs and struggles feel so strong, some people with a preoccupied attachment style organize their lives around trying to prove that they are worthy of love, or trying to distract themselves from their negative feelings. This interferes with their ability to express themselves in an authentic way or to pursue personal interests. Rachel, for example, did very well in college, but settled for a job as a receptionist after graduation—and remained in it for years—because she couldn’t decide what to do with her bachelor’s degree in English. She was also constantly worried at work about what others thought of her performance. Although it didn’t go quite this far with Rachel, people with a preoccupied style often carry their issues and unhappiness from home into work. In addition, the constant stress and anxiety that they feel often causes health problems.

Just as they do with the rest of their lives, people with a preoccupied attachment style approach their sex lives with a drive to gain reassurance and avoid rejection. So although they often enjoy being held and caressed without really wanting more sexual intimacy, they turn to sex to get the assurance and acceptance that they seek. Men, in their attempts to feel loved and accepted by a woman, tend to be more sexually reserved and to look for their partner to be sexually responsive and pleased. By contrast, women, in their attempts to feel loved and accepted by a man, tend to be less reserved, or sometimes promiscuous. In both cases, they often struggle with feeling that their partners or situations control their sex lives, and they are often uncomfortable talking with their partners about sex.

Dismissing Attachment: No Need for Love

Now, meet Andy. Think about whether you relate to him at all, or whether he sounds like anyone you know. He is proud of his independence, his self-sufficiency, and his commitment to his sales job. He enjoyed spending time with his ex-girlfriend, Chris, but he wasn’t too upset when she ended their relationship. To him, she made too big a deal of his business trips by wanting him to call her, though she only asked for an occasional check-in. He also felt she wanted to talk about her feelings and their relationship “all the time.” So now he’s happy not to have to take care of her. Although he sometimes feels left out when his friends are talking about their girlfriends, he says he’s not bothered by it and actually prefers to spend the time alone. What Andy denies, even to himself, is that he actively minimizes and avoids his feelings. This is very characteristic of people with a dismissing attachment style, and it places them at risk for anxiety and depression.