Into the Fire (21 page)

“Do what?” Oh God! Her mom got to her. She’s breaking up with me. I reach for her hands and pull them away from her face. She opens her mouth to talk, but I crush my lips against hers. I won’t let her say the words. I won’t let her end this.

I wrap my arms around her and pull her off the fence. Her legs are around my waist, squeezing me like she doesn’t ever want to let go. I know she doesn’t want to leave me. I can feel the want behind the kiss. I pull her closer so there’s barely even air between us. I feel like I’m suffocating, but I’d rather die than pull away from her right now. If I do, she’ll leave me. She’ll find a way to say those words that will destroy me forever.

“Logan.” Her voice is barely a whisper between kisses. I smother her mouth again, and she doesn’t even try to stop me. Nothing else matters. Not her mom. Not Jeremy. Not my dad. I drop my jacket on the ground and raise one hand to Cara’s hair, weaving my fingers through it and pulling her face closer to mine.

She turns her head slightly, and I kiss her jaw line before finding her neck, burying my face in it. She’s trying to talk, I can feel it, but only a moan escapes her lips. I can’t control myself anymore. I’ve never wanted anyone so much in my life. I walk us over to the edge of the fence where there’s an open field. I gently lower her to the ground, cradling her head in my hand. Her heart pounds in rhythm with mine, and my hand finds her bare stomach.

“Logan.”

Her voice is panicked now, and I stop kissing her. I don’t want to push her.

“I’m sorry.” Her forehead has beads of perspiration on it. She wipes it with the back of her hand. “I can’t.” She squirms out from under me.

I sit up. “I won’t do anything. I promise. You don’t have to be afraid of me.”

“It’s not you.” She closes her eyes and takes a few deep breaths before looking at me again.

“I didn’t mean to go crazy like that. It’s just that I thought you were going to…” I run my hands through my hair. “You aren’t thinking of…” I can’t say it. It hurts too much to even think it.

“This is all my fault. That day at the falls—meeting you did something to me. It changed me, and I’ve loved every second we’ve spent together. But tonight—” She inhales sharply. “I can’t do this. I can’t chance hurting you.”

“Hurting me? What are you talking about?” I inch closer to her, but she backs away. “No, don’t do that. Don’t shy away from me, Cara. I can’t take that. If you don’t want to hurt me, then stop whatever it is you’re trying to do, because you’re killing me right now.”

Tears spill down her cheeks. “Believe me, this is the last thing I want, but I don’t have a choice. I’ll hate myself if I don’t stop this now.”

“Why? Why now? What happened? What did your mom say to change your mind, to erase the feelings you have for me?”

She shakes her head and reaches for me. I take the opening and close the distance between us.

“Nothing can take these feelings away from me.” She looks away. “Not yet, at least.”

“Then why are you doing this?” I cup the side of her face in my hand. “Cara, I love you.” Her eyes widen. Damn it! I rushed this. I’ve totally freaked her out. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said that so soon. It’s just that I don’t know what to say to make you stay.”

“You’re in love with me?” She studies my face, like she’s searching for a sign that I’m lying.

“Yes. I’m sorry if that scares you, but I’m terrified right now. I’ve never felt this way about anyone. I can’t lose the first person I ever let myself love. I can’t.” I hate myself for being so damn vulnerable, but I’ll hate myself more if I don’t try everything in my power to stop Cara from leaving me.

“You only
think
you love me, Logan. And it’s my fault.”

I shake my head. “Nothing could’ve stopped me from falling for you.” I press my lips to hers.

She pushes her palms against my chest. “I can’t. Please.”

“Give me a straight answer, Cara. What happened tonight?”

“I—” She stares at me, looking so completely afraid. “I’m not who you think I am. I’m not like you.”

“I love that you’re not like me. I’ve changed because of you, and that’s a good thing.”

“No, it’s not. I don’t want to change you the way your dad tried to change your mom.”

“That’s not what this is.” I never should’ve told her about that. I pushed her. I came on too strong.

“I’m so sorry, Logan. I know you don’t understand, and I can’t even explain it to you. But this”—she points back and forth between us—“it’s going to destroy us both. It has to end.”

“Are you saying
we
have to end?”

“Yes.”

She stands up, ready to walk out of my life, only I’m not ready to let her. I jump up and wrap my arms around her. She leans into me for a split second, and I know she doesn’t want to go. I find her lips, kissing her until we’re both out of breath. She looks up at me with tears in her eyes.

“I love you, too. That’s why I can’t be with you.” She turns and runs toward her house.

I want to run after her and beg her to change her mind, but I know she’ll only break my heart all over again.

***

“She dumped you?” Anton’s voice rises an octave.

“Guess so.” I stare up at my ceiling, unable to move. I’ve been here for days, only leaving my room to use the bathroom.

“And you’re just telling me now?”

“Guess so.”

“Are you capable of saying anything else?”

“Guess not.” I’m not even sure why I answered my phone.

“Man, you better get your sorry ass out of bed and get back out there. This is one girl. So what? Even in a town that small, there’s bound to be another hot girl lurking around somewhere.”

“I don’t want another girl, Anton.” I can’t explain this to him. He’s never had a girlfriend—not that I had one either, before Cara.

“You want to come spend a few days here? Get away from that Cara chick?”

“No. I want to go to Cara’s house and demand a straight answer. I want to kiss her until she takes it all back.”

“Then why don’t you?”

“I practically begged her not to break up with me. I kissed her until my lungs ached.”

“Losing your touch?”

Normally I don’t mind Anton’s need to make jokes no matter what the situation, but I’m really close to throwing my phone across the room. “She’s into me. I know she is. When I kiss her, it’s like she melts right into me.”

“TMI, man. I don’t need to know all the mushy details.”

“It was like she was afraid of something the other night. Maybe the fire freaked her out. I don’t know.”

“What fire? Man, this is why you have to answer my calls. I left you like six messages. I feel like one of the little freshman stalkers that used to call your ass every night.”

“We went to a party at this guy’s house. He’s a friend of Cara’s. I think he has a thing for her, too.” Will he go after Cara now that we’re broken up? “Anyway, he found this old guy who lives in town dead in his house. He was freaked and needed a distraction, so he threw a party. Cara and I were making out by the bonfire in the backyard and it sort of exploded.”

“The bonfire?”

“No, the backyard. Of course the bonfire.”

“All right. Chill.”

“So I got the hose and put the fire out, but Cara got really weird. She tried to touch the flames or something. I don’t know.”

“Sounds like you fell for the crazy chick, if you ask me.”

“Say one more thing about Cara and I’ll come over there and show you crazy myself.”

“Whoa.” Anton drags the word out. “Okay, I’m sorry. I get it. You’re really into her.” We’re both silent for a while. “Listen, man, if she’s really worth your time, then you have to get her back. You must still have some of that Schmidt magic somewhere inside you. You’ve got to show that girl what she’s missing.”

“What if it doesn’t work?”

“Then you have to move on.”

I hang up, and one thought swims through my mind: what if I can’t move on?

Cara

“I still can’t believe you broke up with him.” Even though I can’t see her, I know Rachel’s shaking her head on the other line. “You never really told me what happened.”

“He’s just not right for me.”

“He’s majorly hot, athletic, and gets along with your friends. Oh, and he completely adores you. What more could you ask for in a boyfriend?”

That he be a Phoenix like me.
I sigh, and try to think of something about Logan that can come off as a negative. “He dated a lot of girls in New York.”

“Well, duh. I bet girls threw themselves at him. Hell, I’d throw myself at him if you weren’t my best friend.”

“Yeah, but you’d throw yourself at just about anyone with a pulse.” I force a laugh, hoping she’ll think I’m okay, even though I’m dying on the inside.

“Very funny. I’m over Rob, by the way.”

When did that happen? “What did he do?”

“I think you mean who. I don’t want to talk about it. Feel free to cut him out of our group, though.”

“You might have a hard time doing that now. Rob’s really been helping Nick through all this stuff with Mr. Baker and the fire at his house.”

“If you think getting Nick so drunk he can’t remember his problems is helping.”

“That’s not all they’re doing.”

She sighs. “You’re so naïve, Cara. Drinking and making out with girls is all Rob knows how to do. And believe me, he’s much better at drinking.”

“Ouch! Says the woman scorned.”

“I plan to say a lot worse once school starts up again.”

I laugh, starting to feel a little more like my old self. “You’re almost making me feel sorry for Rob. Almost.”

“Don’t. He doesn’t deserve it. He’s not Logan.”

Do we have to go back to that subject again? “Logan’s not a saint either.”

“And then came you. You changed him, Cara. You pulled off what the rest of us only dream about.”

“What’s that?”

“You made a bad boy into the relationship type. He committed to you, and really fast. You must have magic or something, because that boy seriously loves you.”

No, he loves the imprint I put on him. “Rach, I really don’t want to talk about it.” My throat is closing, and tears are filling my eyes again.

“When are you coming out of hiding? I miss you.”

“I miss you too, but I can’t face the world right now.”

“You mean you can’t face Logan.”

True. “It’s too hard.”

“Fine. I’ll come to you.”

Jeremy is pretty much people-friendly again, so I don’t have to worry about that, but I don’t feel like having company. I want to cry into my pillow and try not to set it on fire. “I’m just not up for it today.”

“Tomorrow, then. I don’t care what you say.” She hangs up.

I scroll through my contact list. Logan’s name is still listed as number three. I pull up his information and the picture of us kissing stares back at me. Smoke rises all around me, clouding my room. I don’t even care. Let the fire take me. Let it end this suffering. I want to find peace.

“Cara?” Mom rushes into the room and wraps her arms around me. She rocks gently back and forth, like she used to do when I was little and had a bad dream.

When she lets go, I look into her eyes, seeing the mom I’ve known all my life, the caring person who would do anything to protect me. “Is this what you wanted to protect me from?”

She nods. The tears take over again. I can’t talk, can’t breathe, and I don’t want to. I don’t want to feel anything. I want to be numb.

Mom lets me cry on her shoulder. “Sweetie, this is my fault, too. You were right. I was trying to protect you from exactly this, but I went about it all wrong. I thought time away from Logan was the answer, but I should’ve tried to explain things better.”

“He told me he loves me.”

She strokes my hair. “Oh, honey.”

I lean back on my headboard and gather all my courage to ask the question I’ve been wondering for days. “What if he only loves me because of the imprint?”

Her eyes drop to my comforter. “Do you want to know what I really think?”

I don’t think my heart can handle any more, but I have to know. “Yes.”

“I think now that you two aren’t seeing each other anymore, things will get a little easier. The imprint will lessen on both of you. You’ll still feel it. You’ll still miss him. But he might be able to move on.”

“You don’t think he really loves me.” I was wrong. I
can
feel worse. My heart
can
ache more. I’m not sure how I’m not burning the entire house down with all the emotions welling up inside me.

“Does it really matter?” She pats my knee, and it’s clear she doesn’t understand. She thinks I have to let this go. Walk away. But I can’t.

“Yes. I need to know if he only loves me because of the imprint.”

“Don’t torture yourself like this. There’s no way for you to find out for sure.”

She doesn’t get it. “Can we talk about something else?” I pull my knees to my chest and hug them tightly.

Mom nods. “I have some news. Garret got the autopsy report back from the Phoenix he sent it to. The weapon used to kill Henry was definitely the Phoenix dagger. There were traces of ashes in Henry’s heart. The ashes of the original Phoenix egg that make up the dagger.”

Is this supposed to make me feel better? I’m dying inside because I’m going to lose Logan—no, I
lost
Logan—and she decides to throw this on top of me? My insides twist and do somersaults. “How do you deal with this? How am
I
supposed to deal with it?” I stand up, feeling the fear and loss creep up my body. “First I have to give up the one guy I actually fall in love with, and now there’s this Phoenix Hunter on the loose, looking to kill everyone I love. You, Jeremy, Monique—you’re all my family. You’re all I have. If you—” I collapse in Mom’s arms, unable to stand under the weight of it all.

“Shh. Don’t think about it tonight. You’ve been through so much.” Mom brings me back to my bed and tucks me in like I’m a little girl. She kisses my head and hands me the stuffed Phoenix I used to sleep with. “Your father went crazy trying to find this for you.”

“What do you mean?” I hate that I don’t remember much about him.

“You were three, and you loved the stories he used to tell you about Phoenixes. Back then you thought they were all just birds. We didn’t tell you what we are until you were old enough to keep the secret.”