Into This River I Drown (43 page)

Eventually, I calm. Eventually, I stop listening to the little voices in my head telling me it won’t matter in the long run; I will lose everything and be alone again. Eventually it feels like blessed silence.

The only thing missing is my father. His presence doesn’t loom over the table as much as it has in the past when the remaining family came together those few times after he drowned. Then, it was like a large unspeakable thing had fallen over us all, threatening to bury us with its weight. It is still crushing. Devastating. Still painful, yes. Still there, yes. But it’s almost muted somehow, like seen through a fog. The warm hand in mine squeezes again and the fog shifts, only to come into sharper focus, and I recognize it for what it is.

It’s in my mother’s laugh, a sound as big as I can ever remember. It’s in the way Nina blushes when Cal winks at her. It’s the way Mary leans over and brushes a lock of hair out of Christie’s face. It’s in the way Abe drops a hand on my shoulder and tells me he thought he heard a rumbling noise in his old Honda and wants to bring it in next week for me to check it out.

We are moving on. We are letting go. I am realizing that some things might be more important than my own selfish desires for answers I might never find. It burns, this feeling. It hurts. It claws at me, but it’s undeniable. Cal glances at me again, those dark eyes sparkling, and it’s like a hammer to my chest.

But then that feeling is taken away only a short time later.

We’re clearing the table when my mother comes out from the kitchen, wringing her hands. I wonder at it, having noticed her pointed looks at Cal that got more and more obvious over the past hour. I don’t know what she’s up to, and I have a feeling I don’t
want
to know. She’s planning something, her nervous hands doing little to detract from the determined look in her eyes.

“Cal?” she says, and the noise in the room stops. I can hear Mary and Christie chattering in the kitchen while they start the dishes, but the rest of us are quiet, waiting. “May I speak with you? Alone?”

I narrow my eyes and before I know what I’m doing, I take a step to stand in front of him, as if to protect him. It must look ridiculous, given how much bigger he is than me, but at the moment, I don’t know what she wants and I’m not going to take the chance.

“Why?” I ask before Cal can speak.

She glances at me before looking back at Cal. When she speaks, it’s to him. “There’s something I need to say to you. Something that I need you to hear.”

“Lola,” Abe says. “Maybe we could just—”

“It’s okay, Abe,” Cal says lightly. “She has the right.”

“The rest can go,” I say with a scowl. “That’s fine. But if you think I’m going to go too, you better try again.”

“Alone,” my mother repeats.

A knock at the door, light but strong.

We all turn to look.

“Now who could that be?” my mother says to herself, starting for the door.

Something is off. I didn’t hear a car come up the driveway, much less see headlights. Cal has begun to growl, his hands turning to fists at his sides. Thoughts of the Strange Men start running through my head. Thoughts of Traynor standing at the door, a cigarette dangling from his lips. Something is wrong.

I brush past him and put my hand on my mother’s shoulder. “I’ll see who it is,” I say. “Why don’t you just hang back?”

She starts to object, but Cal’s growling grows louder as he sidesteps us and heads for the door. I rush after him. “Who is it? A thread?” I mutter once I catch up to him.

He shakes his head. “No thread. It’s
him
.” For the first time since I’ve known him, I hear fear in his voice, underneath the growling, buried in the bravado.

This can’t be good.

I reach the door first, much to Cal’s dismay. Already I can hear the others following us down the hallway. “You don’t open that door, Benji,” he snarls at me. “You get behind me and you let me deal with this. I am a guardian and I will guard. Do it now and don’t make me ask you again.”

I obey, instantly. I can’t ignore the fury on his face, the way his eyes look like they have turned to oil, liquid and black. Had this occurred only a few short days ago, I’m sure blue lights would have been flashing all around him, forming the outline of his wings. But as it is, there is only a charge in the air, like static, palpable and thick. I don’t want him to open the door.

The knock comes again.

“Don’t open the door,” I whisper. “Please.”

“Benji,” my mother asks from behind me. “Who is it?”

Cal kisses my forehead and opens the door.

A man stands there, a man unlike any man I’ve ever seen before. The sun has set long before, the sky behind him like a deep bruise. The light from inside the house bleeds out onto the porch. The shadows from the darkening night seem to crawl over his shoulders.

He is an imposing figure, all sharp angles and planes. His black hair is short, nary a strand out of place. The goatee around his thick lips is perfectly trimmed. His throat is exposed, showing olive skin that disappears into an opened button-down white shirt that looks crisp. He wears a black dress coat that appears tailored to fit his strong body, buttoned once in the front. He’s not bigger than Cal, more lithe and long, but he radiates authority. He is devastatingly handsome, but in a cold, manufactured way.

“Calliel,” he says, his voice whiskey smooth. “How lovely to see you again, brother.”

“Michael,” Cal says quietly in greeting.

Michael
.

Cal’s voice, a memory:
I can’t tell the future. I can’t speak to God’s plan. I don’t think anyone can, even the higher-ups, the archangels, though sometimes I wonder what exactly Michael knows….

The Strange Men:
This will end now as we were instructed. We cannot go back to Michael empty-handed.

Cal:
Minions that do nothing more than Michael’s bidding. They are abominations, and I do not know why Father permits them.

I feel eyes on me and pull myself out of the memories. The archangel Michael is looking at me with undisguised curiosity, cocking his head to the right, and for a moment I expect his eyes to twitch back and forth like his Strange Men. “You must be Benjamin Edward Green,” he says to me. His voice is kind, and that makes his smile all the more terrible. “It’s nice to meet you, Benji. You’ve certainly made quite the impression, from what I understand.”

“Don’t you talk to him,” Cal snaps, pulling me behind him. I press my forehead against his back, smelling earth, the charge in the air increasing. “This does not concern him.”

“Doesn’t it?” Michael asks. “It seems to me it most certainly
does
involve him. You made that perfectly obvious once you made the decision to come here.”

“I… I don’t….” Cal sounds upset. Uncertain. I move around him again and stand by his side. This time he doesn’t stop me. I take his hand in mine.

Michael laughs in disbelief. “You don’t
remember
?” He shakes his head. “Father certainly does enjoy his games, doesn’t he?” And before I can shout out a warning, Michael flashes out his hand, pressing his palm against Cal’s chest, right above his heart. Cal stiffens as if electrocuted, his hand gripping mine so tightly I think my bones will break. There’s a dull flash in Michael’s eyes, a light that is only there for a moment before falling away. He pulls his hand back and Cal shudders, bowing his head. “Father does enjoy his games,” Michael repeats quietly, the laughter gone from his voice. “The parts are there, I see, but they’ve been shattered. The shapes aren’t making sense. It’s jumbled. Like a knot.”

“Can you return them to me?” Cal asks, his head still bowed. “The memories?”

“No,” Michael says. “I was not the one who took them from you. This is a test, Calliel. He is testing your faith, it would seem.” Michael snorts derisively. “He’s been silent on the matter. To me. To the others. No one really seems to know what he’s up to.”

“Benji?” my mother asks shrilly. “Who is this?”

Michael peers over Cal’s head. “I am a friend,” he says. “I have not seen Calliel in quite some time, and I decided to check in on him.”

“Are you one of them?” Abe asks, his voice hard.

“He is,” Nina whispers. “So many lights. White. So much white around him. He’s so bright.”

“He’s a… an
angel
?” my mother says lowly.

“Someone’s been talking.” Michael sounds amused.

“What do you want?” I ask, trying to sound stronger then I feel.

Michael looks at me, and I feel like quaking where I stand, but I don’t break the gaze. It is startling to realize that he isn’t blinking. My skin crawls. “What I want,” he says slowly, “is to make sure everything is in order. That all things are in their natural place.”

“What do you mean?”

“He means me,” Cal whispers.

Michael nods. “This whole…
thing
you’ve got here. This is disorder. This is chaos. I don’t know what Father has planned for you, but he hasn’t stopped me from being here. There are rules, Calliel, as you well know. You are not allowed on the earthly plane. You watch. You protect. You guard. You do
not
reveal yourself. It is within us all to do so, of course, but we are not meant to have free will. Father placed the ability to become corporeal to test us. To give the
illusion
of free will so that we may be tested.”

“It’s not his fault,” I snap. “It was mine. I prayed for him and he came. I pulled him down. I did this, not him. You leave him alone.”

“Oh, Benjamin,” Michael says. “While I am sure it’s a perfectly lovely thought, it’s not a correct one. A human cannot just pull down an angel from the sky. Not by praying for it. Prayer doesn’t work like that.” He frowns. “No, this appears to be all on Calliel. I can see the how of it, but I can’t yet figure out why. What does Father hope to achieve?”

“It doesn’t matter,” Abe said, stepping forward. “He’s not going anywhere with you. He stays here. Where he belongs.”

Michael blinks. “Hasn’t he told you?” he asks, scanning each of our faces. He looks at me last, and I know his words even before he speaks them. “If he stays here, it will kill him.” Nina gasps and covers her face. “He is not human. He is an angel. Angels are not meant to stay on this plane of existence. If he dies here, his soul will become nothing.”

“I’m fine,” Cal growls. “I don’t feel any different.”

Michael looks at him sympathetically. “Now that’s not even remotely truthful, Calliel. You and I both know that. I think Benjamin does too, by the look of it.” I look away before Cal can see in me whatever Michael did.

“I’m fine,” Cal says again, more forcefully.

“Be that as it may, I would prefer if you returned to On High with me now,” Michael says, taking a step back. “It would allow us to avoid any further… unpleasantries down the line. We’ll return, speak to Father, and get this whole mess sorted out, and then maybe, just
maybe
, you can return to your job. How this town hasn’t burned to the ground without a guardian is beyond me.”

“I can still see the threads,” Cal says hoarsely, which causes Michael’s cool façade to slip, for just a moment, surprise seeping in. “I am still able to see them.”

“That’s… not possible,” Michael says, visibly trying to compose himself. “You aren’t even….”

“It’s true,” I say. “He saw my thread after your Strange Men came and attacked me. He saved me from them. They wanted to hurt me.”

“That was an unfortunate mistake,” Michael allows. “I’d been called away and let the… Strange Men, as you call them, have free rein in locating Calliel. The more human he became, the harder it was for us. That mistake was mine, and I apologize.”

“Benji could have been killed and you
apologize
?” Cal snarls. “Michael, those things are dangerous! I still can’t understand why Father allows their existence!”

“Much like I don’t understand how Father allows yours,” Michael retorts. “And the only reason I was away to begin with was to try and placate the roar your falling has caused. You have put On High into disarray and others are demanding answers.”

“You know I have no answers to give, even if I wanted to.”

“Yes, yes,” Michael says, waving his hand in dismissal. “I will demand an answer from Father, one way or another. These games of his are getting tiresome, no matter what he hopes to learn about the humans. We have other things to worry about, you know. Will you return with me now? Save your friends here from further heartache?”

“No,” Nina says, stepping forward. “Blue stays here. He won’t leave with you.”

“That’s right,” Abe rumbles, moving to stand on the other side of Cal. “I know a bully when I see one. He isn’t going anywhere. You’ll have to go through me. I’m a lot sprier then I look.”

My mother comes to stand beside me, putting one hand on my shoulder and the other on Cal’s. “Cal belongs with us,” she grinds out. “I’ll be damned if I’ll let you take him away.” I might have doubted my mother, but how could I have doubted her heart?

I move in front of Cal again, blocking his massive body with my skinny one. Michael, who wears an expression of amusement, looks down at me. “And will you threaten me too?” he asks, a small smile on his face. “You are all nothing if not protective of the ones you care about.” He bends down until his face is level with mine. His eyes are so deep, they appear infinite. For all I know, they are. “You should remember, Benjamin Edward Green, that things are not always what they seem. But I believe you shall learn that in due time. I believe you shall learn all things.” Whether his words are a threat or not doesn’t matter. They still chill me to the bone.

He stands again. “This is not finished, Calliel,” he says sharply. “Either you will die here or you will return. Make your choice quickly, for I fear you don’t have much time.”

“Why are you guys all at the door?” I hear Christie call out from down the hall. “Is there something out there?”

“Something comes, to be sure,” Michael says, glancing over his shoulder.

Headlights, starting up the driveway.

“Who is that?” Mary asks as she came up behind us, pointing at Michael.