Invasion from Uranus (19 page)

As a Master Mason, I knew better than to look the Father of All Lies directly in the eyes, but still I paused, damning my own weakness. I could feel his presence, the warmth from his body, and it made me giddy, almost drunk. I wanted to obey him, to serve, to yield, to
pull out the blade and kill this asshole. Pull it! Pullitpullit
! But my hands refused to move, they were numb, locked in a tempest of conflicting urges.

"You do not dare kill me," Satan chuckled softly, a hand gently touching my arm. It was icy cold and electric pleasure at the same time. "God bade me to live after losing the war, so there must be a reason for my existence. Who are you to deny the will of Him, the Creator?"

That was a mighty good question. "You rebelled against Him once," I retorted through clenched teeth.

"Ah, but I was given free will," Satan answered, a flood of glorious promises cascading into my mind and soul.

Ignoring everything I had ever been taught, I looked the Dark One directly in the eyes. "Yeah? Guess what, asshole. Me too!" And I yanked the blade free to plunge it directly into his hairless chest.

At the blow, Satan went stiff, and screamed for only a second before I went stone deaf. In silence, I leaned inward, putting my weight and strength against the dagger as I moved it about trying to find whatever a fallen angel had in place of a heart. Golden light erupted from the wound, and He beat against me, but the blows fell without impact, and I seemed to grow stronger as He became weaker. A hundred thousand voices cried out inside my head, promising me anything,
everything
! Grimly determined, I ignored them all, concentrating on the task. Let hellfire burn me, or demons eat my soul, I didn't care. But this pretty little sombitch was going down for the count, here and now!

Suddenly going limp, Satan whispered something too low for me to hear, and then crumbled into a silvery ash.

As I stepped away from the disintegrating form, the entire planet seemed to shudder and the ceiling cracked apart admitting the cold blue moonlight. Then the sun rose over the horizon, filling the world with a clean clear light that banished every shadow of Darkness. And then, the darkness of every Shadow.

Dumbstruck, I gazed in awe and wonder at the quite unexpected sight of dawn occurring in the middle of the night. Then the sun appeared to tremble and for the first time in recorded history the burning lid raised and the Great Flaming Eye of God looked down upon the world, oddly appearing exactly as it did on the back of the America one dollar bill.

"I'll be damned," I whispered, almost dropping the dagger.

As if in reply, the Eye looked through the millions of miles of space and directly into my upturned face.
No, you will not
.

Instantly, I felt refreshed and renewed, young and healthy and full of beans. My hearing returned, as did a tooth missing from childhood. "Thank you," I shouted.

But the Eye had already moved onward, healing, fixing, finding repairing. Now images of the world poured into my mind, and I could actually 'see' a million demons vanish into smoke, and ten thousand Fangels crumble into sheer nothingness. Then the floor of the lodge cracked open and the crystal weapons faded away from sight. Gone back to wherever they originally came from.

Now, His gaze moved on, the pollution disappeared from the land, sea and air. An endless bounty of fish returned to the barren oceans, extinct species sprang back to life, and every nuke turn to solid stone.

As the new dawn swept the globe, cripples began to dance, the blind suddenly could see, the deaf could hear, and every disease vanished: cancer, AIDS, rabies, acne...along with killer bees, army ants, and almost every other blood-sucking parasite, including TV evangelists, telemarketers and used car salesmen.

The Age of Miracles had returned, and once more God was in our everyday lives, watching benignly down from above. Satan and his hellish minions were gone forever! Which would mean an end to war, and most of the other brutalities that we did to each other on a regular basis. However, this was also the end of the Freemasons, our millennium old trust finally fulfilled in dirty old...er, in beautiful, glistening, downtown Chicago.

Unfortunately, this meant that I was out of a job, and I had really enjoyed being the covert guardian of a divine mystery for an all-powerful, world-wide, secret society.

Hmm, I wonder if the Elks had anything special that needed protecting?

Safe behind the soundproof glass again, the Sound Effects guy was holding a bag of ice to his swollen jaw. In the outer office, the medics from the ambulance were strapping the unconscious DJ onto a wheeled gurney, while the city police photographed the badly bent office chair still wrapped around his bruised head.

"And that's our show for tonight," Nick said, rubbing his bandaged hand as the theme music swelled on cue. "Tonight's program was sponsored by S&M Candies, the milk chocolate that melts on your face." He paused a half-beat, and lowered his voice. "Not in your hands." Nick returned to his normal voice and happily added, "A wholly owned subsidiary of..."

"The Gunderson Corporation!" sang the chorus.

"Makers of Soothsayer Watches," Nick smiled, glancing at the one on his own wrist. "They don't tell you what time it is...but how much you have left."

The Sound Effects guy hit a button and a soft ticking sounded.

"Soothsayer Watches! Buy one quick," Nick lowered his voice again. "...before it's too late."

The theme music dramatically swelled to a crescendo, then faded to background.

"Obeying the commands of his alien masters, tonight's presentation was written by Nick Pollotta," he read from a presentation card lying on the console. "Cover art by Deron Douglas, and guest starring Abdul Benny Hassan as..."

"The sound of shattering glass!" sang the chorus.

Now, why the Hell did the station have that as a sound bite?
"So, this is WTGC," Nick said, wearily leaning both forearms on the console.

"All radio, all the time!" the recorded chorus sang out.

"...saying goodbye, goodnight, and have a pleasant tomorrow," Nick finished with a heartfelt grin. Hitting the glowing red power button, he killed the controls and sighed in relief as the console went dark.

THIS IS A BONUS RADIO PLAY SCRIPT FROM NICK'S DAYS WORKING ON THE AIR. NOT A SHORT STORY, PER SE, BUT IT HAS ALWAYS BEEN A CROWD PLEASER. ENJOY.

HANDY NOTE
:

MX - means music

SFX - means sound-effects

BG - means in the background

BEAT - means a half-second pause

1
MX - INTRO MUSIC UP, ANDd FADE

2 NARRATOR - All right, adventure lovers, get ready to slip on

3 your electric danger shoes and go ask mom for a

4 glass of water

5
SFX - ELECTRICAL EXPLOSION

6 MAN - (scream)

7
SFX - BODY DROP

8 NARRATOR - Because its time once more for another muscular

9 tale of daring do with DOC BRONZE...

10 CHORUS - HERO WITH A TAN!

11 NARRATOR - Yes, Doc Bronze! Originally a 98 pound scholar

12 from Chicago, Illinois, while visiting a

13 Hollywood Hospital the scrawny rabbinical student

14 accidentally received-

15
SFX - GLUGGING NOISES

16 NARRATOR - a massive blood transfusion overdose from the

17 private plasma stock of Arnold Swartzenegger

18 and underwent a bio-chemical miracle!

19
SFX - RIPPING CLOTH

20 DOC - (thick Austrian accent) Oh no, I am naked.

21 NARRATOR - Now 450 pounds of rippling organic steel...

22 DOC - (grunt)

23 NARRATOR - Doc Bronze quickly dons a skimpy speedo to show

1 NARRATOR - off his amazing physique and begin his never-

2 ending battle for low-cal truth and high-fiber

3 justice in the time honored American tradition of

4 simply pounding the living snot out of criminals.

5 CHORUS - (assorted hurrahs)

6 HILLBILLY - Hoo-we! That's the biggest dang rabbi I dun ever

7 see!

8 DOC - Thank you. Now, I must flex.

9
SFX - RIPPING CLOTH

10 NARRATOR - Later that very afternoon, in the Hollywood

11 Hospital where his incredible transformation

12 occurred, Doc Bronze confers with a fellow

13 scientist about his bizarre metamorphosis.

14 DOC - So, Professor Hollywood, can you tell me how long

15 this bio-chemical miracle will last?

16 PROF - Just a moment, Bronze. First let me place this

17 large, stainless steel, surgical probe in a bucket

18 of ice.

19
SFX- TINKLING ICE NOISES

20 DOC - What is THAT for?

21 PROF - I have a rectal examination to give an I.R.S.

22 agent in an hour.

23 DOC - Hmm, use more ice.

1 PROF - Good idea!

2
SFX - TINKLING ICE NOISE

3 DOC - Now, what about me?

4 PROF - Okay, bend over.

5 DOC - No-no! I meant my bio-chemical miracle.

6
SFX - RIPPING CLOTH

7 PROF - Ah, well, while I have a PHD in organic pharmacology

8 and a Nobel laureate in nuclear medicine, I do fully

9 understand the bio and the chemical aspects of this

10 unique event. (beat) It's just that doggone miracle

11 thingy which has me stumped like a June bug in May.

12 DOC - Fair enough.

13
MX - UP ON 'God Bless America' BG, HOLD, SLOW FADE

14 DOC - Then I must use what precious time I have remaining to

15 help the world by brutally pounding criminals.

16 PROF - It's good to have a hobby.

17 PATRICIA - (very softly) Help.

18 DOC - What was that?

19 PROF - Eh? What was what? I didn't hear anything.

20 PATRICIA - (softly) Help.

21 DOC - It is call for help. My physically perfect ears must

22 be able to hear detect sounds far beyond the range

23 of normal human beings.

1
SFX - Dog howl

2 DOC - But not dogs.

3 NARRATOR - Pausing for only a moment to flex before a

4 mirror...

5
SFX - RIPPING CLOTH

6 NARRATOR - ...Doc Bronze charges straight through the

7 nearest door...

8
SFX - THE SOUND OF SPLINTERING WOOD

9 NARRATOR - ...and into the luxury hotel conveniently located

10 right next door!

11 PROF - (yelling) Hey, try opening the door first next time,

12 it was unlocked!

13 DOC - (calling) Sorry, can't hear you!

14
SFX - RUNNING BARE FEET

15 NARRATOR - Even as Doc pounds down a long corridor of

16 terror, we must pause for this important

17 commercial message from...

18 SPONSOR - It's new! It's fantastic! It's amazing...it's

19 Socket Fisherman! Yes! Socket Fisherman! Just

20 plug one end of Socket Fisherman into any

21 ordinary electrical outlet, drop the other end

22 into any convenient lake or stream...

23
SFX - SPLASH

1 SPONSOR - ... and...

2
SFX - LOUD BUZZ

3 SPONSOR - ...hundreds of fish come bobbing to the surface!

4 Its fantastic!

5
SFX - SOFT BUBBLING

6 SPONSOR - And if you order right now you'll also receive our

7 free booklet, "Cooking In The Wild!" Just sprinkle

8 bread crumbs onto a lake, add Socket Fisherman

9 and...

10
SFX - LOUD BUZZ

11 SPONSOR - Fishsticks! It's new! It's amazing! It's...

12 SOCKET FISHERMAN! To order your Socket

13 Fisherman just dial 1-800-1196 for a free dial

14 tone, or send nineteen easy payments of 19.95 to

15 P.O. Box 1196, Grand Central Station, New York,

16 New York, New York, New York, New York, New York,

17 Earth. Socket Fisherman! Another fine product

18 from...

19 CHORUS - The Gunderson Corporation!

20 SPONSOR - So if it fits in the palm of your hand, costs

21 under ten dollars, is made of plastic, and breaks

22 in a week, then it must be another fine product

23 from...

1 CHORUS - The Gunderson Corporation!

2 SPONSOR - A wholly owned subsidiary of Enigma Industries.

3 Yes, Enigma Industries! What we make-

4 CHORUS - IS NONE OF YOUR DAMN BUSINESS!

5 NARRATOR - And now we return you to Doc Bronze!

6
SFX - RUNNING SHOES

7 NARRATOR - Charging down the stairs into the hotel lobby,

8 the Mighty Man of Tan pauses as he encounters a

9 dramatic scene of terror!

10 PATRICIA - (scream)

11 CHORUS - crowd noises...crowd noises...crowd noises...

12 TWO-GUN KID - All, right, everybody keep back! The gun I

13 got to this maid's head is loaded, and if

14 anybody tries to stop me from leaving she gets

15 a nine millimeter lobotomy!

16 DOC - Foolish wimpy criminal, you have the gun barrel

17 pressed to the wrong part of her head! That will

18 only blow away a chunk of her cerebral cortex,

19 crippling her for life and causing a severe desire

20 to endlessly watch the Home Shopping Network.

21 CHORUS - (gasps of horror)

22 PATRICIA - (stage whisper) Hey, rabbi, shut the hell up.

23 He doesn't need your help.

1 TWO-GUN KID - Ah...is over here better?

2 DOC - A little more towards the front octempular lobe.

3 TWO-GUN KID - Here?

4 DOC - No, lower the gun a bit more.

5 TWO-GUN KID - Here?

6 DOC - A bit lower...

7 TWO-GUN KID - Here?

8 DOC - Yes, there. Perfect! (beat) Right up against her shoe.

9 TWO-GUN KID - Gee, thanks, mister...ah...

10 DOC - Bronze, Doc Bronze.

11 TWO-GUN KID - I'm known as the Two-Gun Kid, cause I always