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He sat his cup on the little, wooden coffee table and leaned closer. “I really didn’t want to take you home.” His voice was low and sent goosebumps all over my body. I bit my lip so I wouldn’t say anything stupid, then I took another sip from my mug. He leaned back a little then something outside caught his eye. “I may have spoken too soon. Looks like I have to take you back. It’s about to start snowing again,” he groaned. I couldn’t hide the disappointment on my face. “Maybe we can give it just a little longer?” He asked with an arched eyebrow. I nodded yes, and we both settled back on the sofa.

I was mesmerized by the crackling fire and couldn’t take my eyes off it, but when I looked over, Jake wasn’t watching the fire. He was watching me. I smiled a shy smile and tried to think of something to say.

“Do you ever see your mom?” I mentally kicked myself for asking such a personal question.

“Yep. Every other week in Florence between 9:00 am and 3:00 pm,” he said bitterly.

Florence was our prison. “That must be hard.”

“Not for me. It’s kind of all I know. It’s hard for them,” he said, gesturing to a photo of his grandparents. “It kills me to see the look on my grandma’s face when we go there.”

“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have asked.”

“No, don’t be. I don’t have any secrets, Meg.” His eyes locked on mine when he said it and I knew he meant it, but for some reason that terrified me.

“It’s warm in here,” I said as I pulled off my pea coat. I thought back to what he said about being hot when he was nervous. “Why did you say you were nervous earlier?” I blurted out.

He laughed a little to himself, and a small lock of hair fell in his eyes. I felt it again- the flutter in my belly. “You really don’t know, do you?”

I shook my head no.

“I’m nervous because of you.” A shy smile turned up a corner of his mouth.

I swallowed hard. “Because of me?”

“I really like you,” he said, just above a whisper. My heart started pounding and I prayed he couldn’t hear it. Without thinking I stood up and crossed the room. I could hear him sigh in frustration at my reaction. “Wow. I’m way off, huh? I thought just maybe you liked me too.” The disappointment in his voice physically hurt. I turned to face him.

“I do. I just can’t do this.” I hated myself for saying it.

“I feel like an ass,” he declared as he suddenly headed out of the front door. After a moment I followed him. It was freezing so I wrapped my arms around myself. He was standing near a tree, facing the lake. I looked up at how dark the sky had gotten. A fraction of a second later, snow started to fall.

“Jake, I’m sorry. I really am. Please don’t be mad.”

“I’m not mad.” He didn’t turn around when he said it. “I’m just....I don’t know. I feel like you’re holding back from what you really want, and I thought maybe I could break down that wall. Every time I feel you give in a tiny bit, the wall goes back up.”

He was right. He was absolutely right. Mixed feelings rushed into my head at that moment and I was flooded with conflicting emotions. Most of me screamed to forget my big plans, and to let someone in. I knew I had already missed out on too much because I was too closed off. It was all too much at once and before I could help it, the tears started to fall. I tried to silence my sobs, but it was no use. Jake spun around in a flash and stood in front of me.

“Hey, don’t cry. I didn’t mean to upset you,” he said gently. I didn’t even attempt to speak. “I’m so sorry. Now I feel like a jerk.”

I took a deep breath and tried to calm myself. “You’re not a jerk. I am.”

“What? No.” He tilted my chin up so my eyes would meet his. “I’m trying to make you ready for something I’ve wanted since seventh grade.”

Confusion sank in as I processed what he said. “Seventh grade?” I asked between sniffles.

A smiled warmed up his face as he wiped away one of my tears with his thumb. “Megan Winters, I have had the most wicked crush on you since seventh grade, and I’m an idiot for waiting so long to tell you.” He held my face in his hands as he said it and I was sure my heart would beat out of my chest. He rested his forehead against mine and closed his eyes. “There is something I have been dying to do,” he said in a whisper that gave me chills, and suddenly his lips were on mine. Instead of resisting I wrapped my arms around his neck and pulled him closer. I heard a little moan escape from him and he deepened the kiss. Our lips melted together over and over until he finally pulled away to catch his breath.

I was still holding onto him for dear life. I knew if I let go my knees would give out, and he held on too. “You’re shaking,” he finally said. “We should get you back inside where it’s warm.”

“I’m not shaking because I’m cold,” I confessed.

“Oh.”

“Please do that again.” And he did, pulling my lips back to his and kissing me with a hunger I didn’t know was possible. This time he was shaking too, and we both pulled away at the same time. The intensity was almost too much to handle.

“Let’s get inside.” I was too overwhelmed to respond, so I took his hand as he led me back inside to sit by the fire. He grabbed a blanket off of one of the couches and sat down with me on the floor rug as he wrapped it around the both of us. Then he pulled me closer to him and wrapped his arms around me. “Is this ok?” he asked cautiously. I nodded yes, not trusting my ability to speak. He smiled and kissed my cheek. “Is this?” he asked as his lips moved to my jaw. My eyes fluttered at the sensation.

“Mmmhmm.” I was very aware of the fact that I wanted him as close to me as possible. When his lips grazed my neck I let out a soft moan and he suddenly pulled away.

“Oh man,” he said as he ran his fingers through his hair. “I need to calm down.”

“For your sake or for mine?” He looked surprised when I asked it.

“Those clouds are getting worse. I should get you home.” He pulled me back against his chest and neither of us made any attempt to move as we watched heavier snow start to fall. “Or maybe we’re already snowed in,” he said playfully.

12

Both of us lacked motivation to leave, and when we finally decided it was time to go, we were too late. We took one look at the snow that was falling and knew the lack of visibility would have us staying put for a while. Luckily, Jake’s grandparents had left the fridge pretty well stocked from their last visit. I called my mom and left her a message, knowing she probably wouldn’t notice my absence. Jake called his grandparents who seemed curious about why he was at the cabin, but must have not pressed him for too much info because the conversation was short.

“Ok, let’s see what we have,” he said as he looked through the cabinets. He found a loaf of bread that was still good, and a few slices of cheese. Then he pulled an apple out of the fridge and started slicing it into thin pieces. “I hope you don’t think apple and cheese is a gross combination.”

I smiled at this. “No, in fact, I love it. My grandma used to top apple pie with a slice of sharp cheddar. But you really don’t have to cook for me.”

“Maybe I really, really want to.”

“Can I at least help?”

“Sure. Why don’t you butter the bread?”

I got to work and we assembled our sandwiches, then he grilled them in a cast iron pan that looked like it had cooked hundreds of meals. We ate on the rug by the fire. I noticed how the flames made shadows on his skin, and it was almost impossible to concentrate on eating. I made it through half of my sandwich then put my plate on the coffee table. I wrapped my arms around my knees then stared at the fire.

“What are you thinking about?” he asked between bites.

“Probably too much to say.”

“How about just one thing.” He set his sandwich aside and sat next to me.

“I’m just wondering how everything can change so fast, but I shouldn’t be surprised. I just forgot things could change for the better too.”

“Explain,” he said, as he pulled one of my hands into his.

“When Noah died, my perfect world imploded around me. Everything changed- including me. I stopped engaging in...anything, because I thought everything good could end and it would hurt too much.”

“And?”

“And now, you come along, and I’m confused.” I turned to look at him, hoping my honesty wouldn’t be taken the wrong way.

“I’m confused too. I never, in a million years, thought we’d ever be in the same room outside of a classroom, let alone snowed in after making out for the afternoon.” He grinned as he said it, and it was the sweetest thing I had ever seen.

“Yeah, about that....sorry I’m an amateur.”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean, sorry if I don’t live up to your expectations. I don’t have any previous experience.”

“Wait. You’re saying I’m your first kiss?” His smile grew wider. “I think my heart might stop. I can’t believe I’m your first kiss.”

“Why on Earth would I make that up?” I asked, feeling a little embarrassed.

“I don’t mean anything bad. I just....I feel lucky.”

I couldn’t help but smile at that. Whatever the outside world had in store for us could wait. All I wanted in that moment was to enjoy being with Jake.

“Let’s get you something to wear to sleep. I have some clothes here.” He went into the only bedroom and pulled out a tee shirt from a drawer, along with a pair of plaid boxers. “Will this work? We’ll match. I can sleep out here so you can have the room.”

“Oh.” I hadn’t even thought of sleeping arrangements. “Would it be weird for me to stay out here with you?”

He made a little sound like he had almost choked. “No. Not weird at all.”

I went into the rustic bathroom and cleaned up a little. There was a tube of toothpaste, and I put a little on a paper towel and used it as a toothbrush- an old trick I learned from Girl Scout camp. I found a hair tie and pulled my curls up in a bun. Once I was done, I stepped out and found Jake matching me just as he promised. We curled up on the couch together and I was amazed at how perfect it felt. Nothing could stop his lips from instinctively finding mine, and we kissed, lazily until we both drifted off to sleep.

The next morning I woke up to Jake holding me against his chest as he ran his fingers in my hair.

“Sorry, I took your hair tie out.” His voice was a little husky and it gave me a few unexpected shivers.

“That’s ok,” I said as I yawned. “Did we miss school again?”

“Nope. I checked on my phone. Another snow day, but there’s a break in the clouds, so I should be able to get us home.”

I felt a little pang of disappointment at the thought of leaving. “Yeah, I should check in with work a little later.” I sat up and something about the look on Jake’s face worried me. “What’s wrong?”

“Is this....are we...” he started but he couldn’t finish his question. Now I was really worried. “I won’t be mad if this was a fluke. I know I’m not enough to change your mind, or your plans.”

I started to understand what he was getting at. “Jake, a few days ago I swore I had everything figured out. Now, I’m confused in the best way ever. All I can tell you right now is that I want to be as close to you as possible. Just thinking about going home today makes me feel anxious, and we haven’t even left yet and I already miss you.” I prayed I hadn’t confessed too much.

“Really?” he asked in a hopeful voice.

“Really,” I said as my eyes locked on his.

He pulled me in close and kissed me. “If I don’t get you home right now, we may never leave,” he whispered.

“Right. We need to go.”

We were both quiet on the drive into town. Everything was covered in glistening white, and it all seemed so tranquil, and I felt peaceful for the first time in so long. I wanted to say so many things, and ask Jake so many things, but for now I just wanted to enjoy the silence.

I couldn’t make my legs move when he pulled up in front of my house. I just sat, frozen, as I stared at the front door. Jake got out and came around to open my door.

“I have to go in, don’t I?”

“Yeah. You probably should, even though I don’t want to give you back.” He pulled me into a hug and for a minute the thought of going home, and everything else in the world disappeared. “I can come by later and pick you up if you want. I just need to go home and have some face time with my grandparents. They’ll probably grill me about why I was at the cabin.”

“Will you be in trouble?”

“Nah.”

“Good.”

“I’ll call you a little later.”

“K.”

He leaned down and kissed me gently, then watched to make sure I got inside ok. I looked out of the peephole at him driving away, and I was shocked at how much I missed him being close.

13

Nothing much had changed when I got home. My mom was sitting at the kitchen table in her robe, staring out of the window- but I doubted she saw much of anything. She turned in my direction when I walked in.

“There are a few slices of bacon and some eggs on the stove,” she said in a groggy voice. I had to make sure I heard her right. Meals had been on a strict “fend for yourself” basis for many years.