Invisible (37 page)

But those . . .

Those aren't just Earl's words, are they?

My eyes widen. No. No they aren't. I've heard them over and over. Because . . .

Those are my mother's words.

God grant to human minds to discern in a small thing universal truths valid for both small and great matters.

Saint Augustine

Chapter Forty-Nine

Twila

I squint against the
sun reflecting off the water and then lean forward in the chair I'm sitting in on Ellyn's upper deck. I take off the sweatshirt I have on over my sweater. “This weather is, like, amazing.”

“Isn't it? Sixty-eight degrees in December. Gorgeous.” She takes a sip of her herbal tea. “Thanks for coming over. I need to talk to you about the whole vegan thing. It's not working for me.”

“Okay. So what part isn't working?”

“Oh. The vegan part.”

“Yeah, it doesn't work for everyone.”

“I know you told me that in the beginning, but sometimes I'm stubborn.”

“That's okay. Now you know.”

“I haven't lost any weight. Not even a pound. Doesn't that seem strange to you?”

Ellyn shifts in her chair, like maybe she's uncomfortable talking about not losing weight. “You can even gain weight eating a vegan diet, it just depends on what you're eating. Maybe we need to talk through your motives. Like why did you want to change your eating habits in the first place? What positives have you experienced since you changed your diet. Things like that, you know?”

“Sure. Well, my motive should be obvious. I need to lose weight.”

“Need to or want to?”

“You're kidding, right?”

She looks at me like I'm crazy. “No. If you're healthy and like, your numbers are good, blood pressure and things, then you don't need to lose weight. If the weight is bothering your joints or there are other issues, than you might need to lose weight. But if it's just because you think you'd look better, or whatever, then you
want
to lose weight. It's a desire, not a need.”

She shakes her head and waves her hand in front of my face. “Honey,
look
at me.”

“I am looking at you. But I told you that we don't always see ourselves the way others see us. Like, you look at me and see someone who's thin, but I look in the mirror and I still see someone who is overweight. I mean, logic tells me I'm not, but my mind plays tricks on me.”

Ellyn looks out over the headlands, thinking. Then she looks back at me. “I understand your point, but there's a difference between us. I look in the mirror and I see reality. You don't.”

I shrug. “You see what you're conditioned to believe is reality.”

“What?”

I stand up and walk to the railing of Ellyn's deck, then motion for her to follow me. I put my hand up to shade my eyes and point out to the headlands and the water. “Describe what you see out there.”

“Okay. I see the headlands, prairie grass, trails, the road, the cliffs, and the ocean.”

“What else?”

She looks again. “Birds and rocks and a few trees. If I look to the north, I see the point and the rock outcroppings that form islands. And I can see the surf crashing against the rocks.”

“What does it all say to you?”

She is quiet and then she takes a deep breath and her shoulders relax. “It speaks to me of God's power, of His magnificence. It reminds me that He is unfathomable. It fills me with awe.”

“Cool. So when you look at God's creation, you see God, and you're filled with awe, right?”

She stands still looking out at the view from her deck. “Yes.”

“Men go abroad to wonder at the heights of mountains, at the huge waves of the sea, at the long courses of the rivers, at the vast compass of the ocean, at the circular motions of the stars”—Ellyn looking at me now, listening—“And they pass by themselves without wondering.”

I watch as her eyes fill with tears. “Where . . . where did you hear that?”

“It's another Augustine quote. I read his autobiography and some of his other stuff when I was in treatment. He lived in the 300s, but his writings are still relevant.”

“Say it again.”

Ellyn stares out at the sea as I repeat the quote. She echoes the words, but more to herself than to me.

“And they pass by themselves without wondering. In other words, if I see God—His power and majesty in His creation . . .” She motions to the headlands and water. “Then I should see Him in myself as well.”

“Something like that. I mean, it isn't a
should
, like something you were supposed to do and didn't. So don't, like, get all down on yourself. It just means that we sometimes miss seeing Him in the most important thing He created. Us. We're so conditioned to buy into—and compare ourselves to—the image that American culture deems perfect. But that just messes us up. It isn't real. And that isn't what God looks at. That's not what's important to Him. He sees our inner beauty—the condition of our hearts, you know?”

“
Imago Dei.
Your tattoo. I knew what you meant when you first explained it, but I couldn't accept it for myself, somehow. I want to, but . . .”

“I know. I still struggle. I get it, but then I forget. I started to see that when I could, like, embrace the truth for myself, then I wasn't so hard on myself. How could I treat myself, one of God's creations—the one created most like Him—so bad? I didn't want to do that anymore. So the tattoo reminds me of that.”

There's an intensity in Ellyn's expression, like she's processing what I'm saying.

“But it isn't just about how I treat myself. It's about how others treat me too. Like my dad”—I look out at the horizon and watch as a cloud drifts by—“He hasn't treated me with respect. He wanted to use me for his own purposes. He wasn't interested in what's best for me. I can forgive him for that, but I don't have to be in relationship with him. I don't want to let him treat me, one of God's creations, like that. I have to have as much respect for myself as God has for me. Or at least I want to try—”

Ellyn is silent.

“Sorry, I'm talking too much.”

She's quiet a moment longer, looking out at the headlands. “Honey, you're teaching me. I'll listen to you all day long. You just keep talking.” She turns and goes to sit down.

I join her. “So how do you feel since you changed the way you eat?”

“Since the issues I had the day I ended up in the hospital, I've felt fine. But I don't think that had anything to do with how I'm eating.”

“Wow. Cool. Has the diet changed your perspective about, you know, the way you eat?”

She hesitates. “Yes, it helped me see that I've used my job as an excuse to eat whatever I want and that . . . well, sometimes I eat for the wrong reasons. I eat for comfort when I'm upset instead of turning to God for His comfort. I realized I was putting my trust in food rather than in God. I hope I can do that less often.”

“It's good to know those things about ourselves.”

“I got rid of my scale too. The number on the scale was starting to rule my emotions.”

“Seems like veganism worked for you in a lot of ways.”

Ellyn's eyes sparkle in the sun. “I guess you're right. Just not in the ways I expected.”

“So now what?”

“What do you mean? What diet do I want to try next?”

“No, I mean what are you going to do now with the knowledge you've gained?”

“Oh.” Ellyn leans her head back and looks up at the sky. She thinks for a minute. “I want to think and pray about what you said today. The Augustine quote. And I want to listen to God's voice rather than all the negative chatter I hear in my head all the time.”

“That sounds pretty wise. Every time I have a negative thought about myself, I try to replace it with something positive—one of God's truths.”

“That's a good idea. For me, I think it's easier said than done.”

“I know. It takes practice.”

“I bet you do know.” She reaches over and puts her hand on my arm. “You are a gift to me, Twila.”

I shrug. “Thanks. Hey, about the food part, if you want to, add some grass-fed beef back into your diet. Like about two ounces. It will help get your metabolism going. Have it with breakfast.”

“Really?”

“Yeah, really.”

“What about butter?”

“Add a little back in and see how you feel.”

Her face is serious—almost like she might cry. Then she leans over and gives me a hug. A big, tight hug. As she hugs me she's mumbling something in my ear over and over. I finally make it out.

“Thank you, oh, thank you, thank you . . .”

I ride my bike
home from Ellyn's and enjoy the last of the day's sunshine on my face. With fewer tourists here now during the week, the streets are quiet. I like it this way—it's peaceful. After my dad left, I needed peace. He may not like Mendocino, but for him to think I'd like New York shows he doesn't even know me.

Sure, Mendocino's small, and I don't have a lot of friends my own age here anymore, but God has put good people in my life. I think again of how different my dad and Miles are—and what a difference Miles's relationship with God makes. I pray my dad will turn back to God someday. He says he's a Christian, but, like, something's missing. With Miles, you see it—you see Jesus in the way he acts and the way he cares about people.

When I reach my street, I get off my bike and turn to look back at the ocean. This is the last place I can see it before turning down my street. As I stand there and watch the deep blue water turn to darker shades of gray in the late afternoon light, I recall what Ellyn said about how the ocean speaks to her of God's power and His magnificence.

I open my mind and heart to God and let Him, like, search me. I wait and listen and then pray just three words:
Ellyn and Miles
.

God knows the rest.

Then I get on my bike and ride the last block home.

I was wholly ignorant of what it is in ourselves which gives us being, and how scripture is correct in saying that we are “in God's image.”

Saint Augustine

Chapter Fifty

Ellyn

“I think this was
a bad idea.” I stand in front of The Great Put On—a boutique on the corner of Lansing and Albion—looking at a dress in the window that appears no wider than the zipper running down its back. “Who wears that kind of thing? Are you sure she carries my size?”

“Yes, I'm sure. And this was a great idea. Let's go.”

I stay rooted to the sidewalk until Sabina gives me a push toward the door. “Oh, fine!”

My first thought upon entering is that my mother would shop here. That tempts me to turn and run, but I know Sabina would chase me down. The glass cases next to the register are filled with bracelets, earrings, necklaces, and hair clips. These I can do. They'll fit. I stand in front of one of the cases looking at a bronze cuff bracelet until Sabina pulls me deeper into the store.

“May I help you?”

I look at the young woman—long blond waves, chocolate colored eyes—and not an ounce over ninety-eight pounds. I mumble something about just looking.

“Yes, my friend here is looking for a few things.”

Superhero Sabina to the rescue.

Great. Thanks.

“You probably don't even carry my size, so we'll just look around.”

“Sure, we have lots of things that will fit you. What are you looking for?”

“Oh. Well, um . . .” I look at Sabina, eyebrows raised.

“Casual chic in colors that will set off her gorgeous hair and eyes.”

At this point, I'm certain both Sabina and the clerk can hear Earl laughing.

I'm ushered to a dressing room, where the clerk and Sabina bring me outfits to try on. At first, it's an excruciating experience, but then I try on a pair of wide-legged, flowing, brown pants, with a long, forest-green, cotton-knit sweater. The outfit feels good. I make a slow turn toward the mirror and catch my breath. I turn to the right and then to the left and then I turn around and look into the mirror over my shoulder.