Invisible (5 page)

There have been so many ups
and downs between us lately that it’ll do me good to get away and have a good
think. I’m meant to be going to Salzburg a week today with Amy and Hannah, but
although I’ve booked the ticket I’m not convinced it will happen. I thought it
would be a laugh but now Hannah has dropped out with some muttered, crappy
excuse so it’ll just be me and Amy.

I get the feeling Han and Amy
are peed off with me for some reason. Don’t have the faintest idea why. I
always used to get invited to stuff with them and now I don’t. Every time I
arrange to see Han she cancels on me at the last minute. Amy has been
distinctly cool of late too. Think will email Han tomorrow and have it out.
Let’s face
it,
what do I have to lose? Reckon I’ve
already lost their friendship.

Wonder if Daryl will come
home tomorrow, or even bother calling me. He said he’d call today, but I was in
a very weird mood last night and probably scared him off!
Fancy
getting so upset that he didn’t like a silly stone.
Reacting like it was
the end of the world because he didn’t understand my stupid, schmaltzy,
over-the-top sentiments.

And now, because I got in a
mood, I’ve probably hurt his feelings. The poor bloke can’t know what on earth
is going on. I mean, he bought me six red roses and a box of
chocs
, how sweet is that? And I still wasn’t satisfied!
Though the card was a bit of a disappointment, but it’s Daryl’s sense of humour,
he loves a smutty joke and is a very physical man. Bit obsessed with sex
actually (though all talk and little action these days)….

Yes, he could have been more
romantic, but what the hell am I complaining about when he bought me presents
that most women can only dream of? It doesn’t get more romantic than flowers
and
chocs
!

Oh, I’m being silly wondering
if he’s coming home tomorrow. He has to because we’re seeing Zoe and Rick from the
Florida holiday tomorrow.
Might be fun.
That holiday last
year was such a laugh, it’ll be good for me and him to have a night out
together and relive a bit of it. Might help us reconnect, meeting up with the
old crowd.
 
You know what it’s like on
holiday, people always have good intentions of staying in touch, but looks like
we really meant it, us Florida lot!

Sat 16

Wonderful.
So
far today I’ve been blown out by Daryl, who couldn’t come home because he got a
last minute job (he was actually really apologetic, so I’m not mad with him). Then
by Amy, who told me she’s not going to Salzburg for various pathetic reasons.
She got the wrong weekend and has arranged to see her mum, she’s skint,
tra
la
la
. Rubbish. There’s
something else going on here, I’m not stupid. I just wish I knew what the hell
it was.

Then I decided to have a
word with Han (well, an email). I’d spoken to Kim about it and she agreed that
it was the right plan of action. So I asked if I’d offended Hannah in some way
because she seems weird and
stuff,
and things aren’t
right between us. To be honest, I felt like a kid in the playground again, a
grown woman should not have to have a conversation like this! Still…

She replied she could ask me
the same thing because I’ve been weird with her! Well maybe I have but only
because she started it. Not that I could say that of course, because that would
sound really childish in this already regressive situation.

After a bit of to-ing and
fro-ing we seemed to thaw things out and ended with saying stuff like ‘it’s
great to have you back because I’ve missed you’ and all that silliness. Well, I
say it’s silliness but actually I do have to admit to having a bit of a warm,
fuzzy feeling afterwards, am so relieved things are sorted.
And
yet…
I still get the funny feeling things aren’t right.

Anyway.
When Amy let me down I sent Daryl a text telling him and asking if he fancied
an impromptu dirty weekend in Salzburg. I mean, how
are we
meant to even consider trying for a baby when we barely see each other and when
we do we hardly ever have sex. Not that I sent that bit to him, of course.

As soon as I sent the text,
my phone rang. ‘Hey Gorgeous, this sounds like a great idea!’ said Daryl. He
sounded so up for it – brilliant! He’d got me on speakerphone because he was
driving, but even over the engine noise, I could tell he really meant it, and
was in a fantastic mood.

‘Wonderful! Well the seats
are all booked and paid for so it seems a shame for them to go to waste,’ I
smiled. ‘Finally I’m starting to look forward to this weekend!
 
I’ll have to revise my whole getaway wardrobe
now that it isn’t a girlie break…’

‘Well don’t get too
excited,’ he warned. ‘I’ll have to check the roster first, see if I can get the
time off.’ I could hear a shuffling noise as he opened and closed compartments,
searching for the elusive piece of paper he had his jobs jotted down on.
 
It’s a flipping mystery that bit of paper, by
the way – I can never catch so much of a glimpse of it, and it seems to change
at the drop of a hat…well, unless I actually want it to change, then it seems even
more set in stone than the Ten Commandments.

The rustling and thumping
continued, and I started to get really excited. ‘Hey, keep your eyes on the
road,’ I teased. He seemed in a good enough mood that I could risk teasing him
a little.

As he grunted a reply and
carried on searching, I started compiling a list in my head of things I needed
to take. I’d have to include some sexy undies – maybe I should nip out and buy
some new stuff, surprise Daryl.
Something lacy and black and
red and obvious?
No, not Daryl’s thing; he absolutely loves virginal white
underwear. He doesn’t like tarty stuff at all, even though he is always trying
to peer down my top!

Then I heard that growly
groan he does when he’s disappointed. My stomach dropped like I’d missed a step
going down the stairs. ‘Sorry babe, I’m free on Friday, but on the Saturday I’m
doing a job, Manchester to Tilbury Docks, 700 mile round trip of pulp for a
paper mill. Want to come?’ he said.

‘Tilbury
docks?’
I asked, trying desperately to make the leap from
romantic weekend abroad, luxuriating in a posh hotel, taking in the incredible
architecture, and hopefully making love an awful lot, to a night in a smelly
truck, visiting a
papermill
. Still, maybe it wasn’t
as bad as it sounded… ‘You go there a lot don’t you? What’s it like?

‘Yeah, it’s massive. The
size of 425 footy pitches.’ Well, I’d asked for that, hadn’t I? Cue lots of
dull facts and figures. Fascinating, I’m sure, but I just nodded in the right
places (then realised he couldn’t see, so made ‘ooh, right’ and ‘that sounds amazing
noises every now and again) while making the shopping list in my head. Not for
sexy undies any more, no it was a shopping list of things like wet wipes, dry
shampoo, and a travel-sized hairbrush.

The thing is I feel so
guilty now, so ungrateful. I’m not looking forward to sleeping over in his
stupid lorry. I mean, it’s a bit of a step down from what I’d had in mind and
besides, we’ll be trapped together with no entertainment and are bound to get
on each other’s nerves. But the fact is, by suggesting this Daryl is actually
really making an effort, once again, and if I don’t meet him halfway and drum
up some enthusiasm then…what does it say about me and my commitment to us?

Why
am I
so convinced something is wrong with us anyway? He’s come home early to
surprise me, he’s surprised me at work, and now he’s trying to take me away
somewhere. What more do I want?

I hope we work but I feel
like, or rather am scared that, I’m clinging onto something in its death
throes. It’s a bit like we’re on a life support machine at the moment – we look
like we’re alive and still breathing but actually we’re dead. Still, I have to
give it my best shot or I’ll always regret it. Besides, we’ve been together for
so long now.
Nine whole years.
It’s too long for me to
walk away; I’ve put so many years into this and they can’t be wasted, I refuse
to accept that. Romance is all well and good but it fades in every relationship,
doesn’t it, and in the end you have to be realistic. The reality is that I love
Daryl and he loves me and I can’t imagine life without him.

And yes, his job drives me
mad and he drives me mad but we work, somehow, against the odds. We’ll have a
baby and be a happy family, and grow old together, and all that wonderful
stuff. This is just a blip.

So actually, the day hasn’t
ended too badly really, because although Daryl couldn’t come tonight, we did
arrange our weekend away, plus…I met up with Zoe and Rick and had a bloody good
time anyway! It was so nice to have a catch up with them, and we chatted and
chatted for hours – the night flew by! What’s more, we’re making tentative
plans to perhaps meet up next year in Florida too. Hurray!

Mon 18

Have to say, have had great
day today, everything’s gone like clockwork – better, in fact. I hit all my
deadlines at work, even got a pat on the back from the boss, and then hit the
shops! Everyone else seemed to have had the same idea, inevitably, but even
though they were as desperate for a bargain as me, they all seemed in as good a
mood as me too! No annoying stroppy, ‘shopping-rage’ people at all!

I bought loads of cosmetics
(kidding myself they are for the weekend – like I’ll be able to use them in a
teensy lorry cab), some great
smellies
(telling myself
same lie), and even some new undies!

Bit worried about Kim
though. She had to borrow another £20 today. ‘I’m really sorry,’ she said,
looking totally mortified when she cornered me by the photocopier. ‘I just…I’m
short on the rent. To be honest I almost didn’t come to work today because I
can’t afford the bus fare, I had to raid that bottle full of pennies I keep in
the kitchen. The driver was not happy when I poured a load of coppers out of my
purse. He muttered something about shrapnel and I didn’t think he was going to
accept it…’

Her eyes (one shadowy with
bruises) were starting to look dangerously sparkly, like tears were gathering,
and her voice was thickening. I glanced round the office to see if anyone had
noticed. That’s the trouble with an open plan office, everyone can see
everything, there’s nowhere to have a private conversation. But by a miracle
everyone seemed to actually be doing their jobs, staring at computer screens in
concentration or calling clients and chatting to them as though they were
bezzie
mates, before putting the phone down and muttering
‘what a cock.’
All far too preoccupied to notice Kim’s mini
meltdown.

‘Don’t be daft,’ I told her,
‘I can lend you some money, it’s no trouble.’ Before she could say anything
more, I scurried back to my desk to grab my purse and give it to her there and
then.
 
That’s £120 she owes me now.
Still, that’s what friends are for, eh, being there for each other. I just hope
Daryl doesn’t find out, he’ll go nuts if he discovers I’ve been lending out money.

After a couple of minutes I
found a pretext to go over to her desk, hiding the money in a file and
pretending to be checking inside it to refer to something official as I actually
surreptitiously slipped the note to her.

‘And I’m buying you lunch today
too,’ I hissed. She nodded gratefully,
then
brought
the curtain of her glossy hair back over her face to obscure it a little while
quickly turning back to her computer.

I could still hear her
bashing the keys theatrically as I walked away. She’s no actress, that one. I
just hope no one else noticed
,
goodness knows people
are gossiping enough about her since she came to work on Friday with a shiner
and a pathetic excuse about opening a kitchen cupboard into her own face. The
last thing she needs is people picking up on her money worries too.

Later we had a chance to
chat over lasagne and chips. Today was my first chance to get the full story on
what on earth had happened last week, and I wasn’t going to let it pass – or
the opportunity to feed her. She looks so skinny at the moment.

I softened her up first,
just chatting about work and telling her about Daryl taking me on a road trip
this weekend. I wanted her relaxed, knew she’d open up to me in her own time,
and if I asked too many questions, pushed her too much, she’d just clam up.

We must have looked like
every other person in there. A woman sat nearby who had taken accessorising to
a whole new level by matching her fake tan to the exact shade of her coat. A cashier
behind the till wiped her nose on a tissue then kindly handed someone a knife
and fork using the same hand. A waitress twirled her hair round and round her
finger while flirting with a handsome man sat at one of the tables, repeating
the same phrase again and again: ‘Aww, it doesn’t matter, honest. But you
should have come to me really! I’d have sorted it for you. Come to me next
time. Come to me next time.’ A couple at the next table getting increasingly
annoyed as they tried to get her attention…

Yes, we must have looked
just like everyone else, but I felt like I was on some kind of mission to get
this information from Kim, like a spy. One false move and I’d never get the
truth. So I chatted seemingly aimlessly, all the time hoping that soon she’d
feel comfortable enough to start talking herself.