Invisible Love Letter (14 page)

F
our years later
.

The heat of the sun tickled the skin on my cheek. Stretching my arms over my head, I opened my eyes to look for little feet. Most mornings her miniature toes would be pressed against my face, but today I reached across my bed and found it empty.

Tossing the comforter off my body, I stood. My ankle twisted as I stepped on a dolly that had inherited the awful name Hoho. As bad as that name was, I couldn’t explain to her why calling her dolly Hoho wasn’t a good idea.

Stumbling into my bathroom, I washed the sleep off my face and brushed my teeth before heading back to the open bedroom sliding door. My deck connected with Jeremy’s, whose sliding door had been left cracked as well. I walked through his bedroom and towards the dining room.

“Mommy!” Lyra screamed from the chair where she sat eating waffles. Her tiny feet swung in the air since she couldn't reach the floor. Dark red curls spiraled down her face, but she had her father’s stormy gray eyes.

“Lyra, love, what has Mommy said about leaving the house like that?” Jeremy and I never locked our sliding doors. It was easier than walking out of our condo to go through the front door.

Her eyes grew wide, her lips pouted as she glanced between Jeremy, who was still in the kitchen, and myself. “But Jeremy has Eggos,” she said before taking another bite. I shook my head in disbelief and sat next to her. Jeremy walked out of his kitchen with a cup of coffee for me in his hands.

“Good morning, honey.” He leaned down and placed a chaste kiss on my cheek. Lyra giggled in her seat. Jeremy returned to the kitchen, rubbing his hand on Lyra's red hair as he passed her.

Jeremy and I had been together for the past three years. Our relationship was challenging at times as I refused to talk about my past, period. But Jeremy was persistent and had been in my life even before Lyra was born.

“Are you excited about your first day?” he asked. I could hear the whisk whipping eggs.

I swallowed the black coffee before I answered him. “I'm more nervous than anything.” Over the past couple of years, I had changed jobs so I could work around Lyra's schedule. Her future was my priority. I had left the radio station once I found out I was pregnant and never looked back. I didn’t want anyone to ever know who her father was. Leslie and I were no longer friends, and the only person I spoke to sporadically was Axel. The life I once knew was now a memory.

Jeremy had an uncle who was the CEO of SoCal PR Management. Today was my first day on the job as a senior account executive in the music entertainment department. I’d avoided anything to do with the music world for the past four years. This was the first time I would be working in the music industry again. After what had happened to Harry, I needed to live for me. For Lyra.

Jeremy walked back into the dining room with a tray in his hand. “Do you know who you’ll be working with?” Jeremy's optimistic voice brought a sideways grin to my face. 

I looked into his chocolate brown eyes. “I have no clue. I’m hoping for an easy client who’s fresh to the industry.” I didn’t even know which artists were on the radio’s rotation. I hadn’t listened to the radio since Weston walked out of my life. I figured I would never know how his career was going as long as I didn’t hear him on the radio.

“What's with the tray?” I asked, shaking the memory away from my mind.

Jeremy slid it in front of me and reached for the remote control to lower the volume on the TV. He pulled my chair out towards him. “Today is about new beginnings. You have wanted this job for so long, and since this is a new chapter in your life, I want to be a part of it. Forever.”

“Forever?” I swallowed the lump that had erupted in my throat. That was a terrifying word. Nothing could last forever.

Jeremy lifted the chafing cover off the tray and revealed an open black jewelry box. A cushion cut solitaire ring sparkled up at me. “Jeremy?” I questioned, staring at the black box. My voice was shaky with fear. My eyes met his, then glanced towards Lyra. She stuffed another bite in her mouth and giggled at the television.

“Emilia, I love you and I want nothing more than to be with you for the rest of my life. You and Lyra are my everything.” He took the black leather box in his hand and dropped to his knee in front of me. “To new beginnings, to a new chapters in our lives. Emilia Darcy, will you do me the honor of marrying me?”

I swallowed the doubt and fear in my throat as my mind wandered to the day we met.

T
he pain
in my lower back had increased, and walking the few steps out of my car and into the pharmacy felt like an uphill battle. I waddled through the aisle as I hunted for a heating patch or cream to alleviate the pain. I scooted up next to a gentleman and took the first box I saw from the shelf. Reading the ingredients, I held my breath and hoped the pain would pass again. I’d survived this pregnancy thus far without any complications; the last thing I wanted was to be bedridden for back pain. I examined the box and saw the word acetylsalicylic acid—aspirin.

“Seriously?” I tossed the box back on the shelf.

The man next to me turned. My eyes met his and a small smile graced his face. “Are you okay?” he asked when he noticed my hands gripping my back again.

“Yeah, I’m fine. It’s just a sharp pain in my back.” I brushed it off and picked up a different cream.

“Are you sure? Maybe you should go to the hospital. When my sister was pregnant, her contractions were only in her back.”

It was nice for the strange man on aisle eight to think he could help me, but I wasn’t due for another four weeks. “Look, it’s really sweet of you, but I would know if these pains were contractions.” As the words flowed out of my mouth, another sharp pain dug into my back and I leaned over, grasping the shelf as my stomach tightened. Warm liquid trickled down my legs, moistening my yoga pants.

“Oh my God!” My fingernails dug into the metal shelf.

“Your water broke!” I heard the man say. His hand reached for my shoulder.

“No! This can’t be happening. I’m not due for another month. Something must be wrong.” Tears filled my eyes as panic set in. My hand cradled my stomach as the pain returned with a vengeance. Fuck, I was about to have this baby right here in the aisle.

“Is there someone you want me to call?”

I ignored his question and waddled through the pharmacy. There wasn’t anyone to call. I was alone in all of this.

“Miss, wait!” As I approached the electronic door, he stepped in front of me. “You can’t drive yourself. Let me take you.”

“Thanks but … ahhhhhh.” I reached for his hand. The blinding pain blocked the refusal I had planned, and I could only nod as he led me to his car.

“I’m Jeremy, by the way,” he said as he opened his passenger side door.

“Emilia,” I managed between long breaths.

Tucked inside Jeremy’s SUV, I slid the seat belt across my chest. He jumped in the driver's side and shoved his key in the ignition. “Do you need me to call anyone? Your … husband?”

“No, if you can just get me to St. Memorial Hospital that’ll be great.”

My toes wiggled nervously in my flats as I stared out the window. Keeping my breathing calm, I held tight to my belly. This was it. There was no denying it now; this baby was coming into the world without a father and with a mother who had no clue what she was doing. I was alone in this. My aunt in Brazil had no inkling that I was even expecting, and Leslie had moved to Chicago when I was three months along. For all she knew I had lost the baby as the doctors expected. I still hadn’t made up my mind about adoption.

“Do you know what you’re having?” Jeremy asked as he turned into the hospital parking lot.

“A baby,” I retorted. My hands gripped the door handle. I knew it was a girl. Though I had asked to keep it a surprise during the ultrasound, deep down I know it was a girl. Another contraction began to tighten around my stomach. I needed something to push away the pain. He chuckled under his breath and turned the car into a visitor’s parking spot.

“What are you doing? You can just drop me off in the front.”

“No, I need to make sure you get in there okay. I wouldn’t be able to live with myself if something happened to you.” He smiled over at me and his dark eyes brought me a bit of comfort I hadn’t realized I desperately needed.

Not only did Jeremy walk me into the maternity wing, but he stayed and held my hand while I pushed Lyra out. The stranger had become my crutch, my savior, my life.

“
E
milia
?” Jeremy’s hopeful voice rattled around me. Blinking away the memory, I wiped the tears that had begun to drop down my face. “Will you marry me?”

“Can I think about it?” My voice trembled. I loved Jeremy, he loved Lyra, but I had given my heart away a long time ago and I had never got it back.

“I'm sorry?” Jeremy leaned back so he was sitting on his feet. Confusion ran across his face. “I thought you'd want this. We’ve been together since Lyra's birth. We partially live together.”

“No, it's not that I don't want to.” I grasped his hand to reassure him of my love. “It's a lot to take in so early in the morning. My head is focused on work.”

He stood, dropping my hands in the process. “It should be an easy answer. I want to marry you, provide for you, be a father to your daughter. I want to adopt her, give her a brother or sister. That's what I envision for us.” He shook his head. “But if you need time to think, I can give you time.”

“It's not that it isn't easy, Jeremy. You know how much I love you. It's just that I'm not making this decision only for myself.” I gazed over at Lyra. She was still too young to know what was happening. “Just give me a few days.”

He leaned down and placed a loving kiss on my lips. “Take all the time you need. I know you're terrible at making decisions, even if they are the right ones.”

I had fought with him many times about moving forward with our relationship. At first it was dating; he wouldn’t take no for an answer. Then it was moving in together; he settled for buying the condo next to mine. It wasn't that I didn't want to marry Jeremy. It was that I was terrified of loving him like I’d loved Weston.

After breakfast, I got Lyra and myself ready, kissed Jeremy goodbye, and then buckled my daughter in her seat. Jeremy’s eyes that had brought me so much comfort for so many years were dull and sad as we said our goodbyes.

Lyra kicked the back of the passenger seat with excitement about the show playing in the car DVD player as I let my mind wander. I loved Jeremy, but I knew my heart would always belong to someone else. Was that fair? Jeremy had been there for me when I didn't even know I needed him. He had been there from the beginning.

“Mommy, is Jeremy going to be my new daddy?” Lyra's words struck a chord in my heart. She had a daddy who would have loved her with all of his heart, but Jeremy had raised her. He had kissed boo-boos and played in princess castles.

I
’d called
my neighbor to come get us from the hospital and pick up my car from the pharmacy parking lot, but now I was stuck home alone. Leslie had moved out and I had our apartment all to myself with my new baby.

I hadn’t showered in about a week. Lyra wouldn't sleep anywhere but on my chest, my boobs wouldn't stop throbbing, and at times I just sat in the corner of the living room and cried as I rocked her. This was the hardest thing I’d ever endured.

A light tap on the door startled me. I’d disconnected the doorbell the day the mailman’s sudden ring woke her from her nap and had her screaming for three consecutive hours. I hadn’t realized things so small had lungs so powerful.

I trudged to the door and pulled it open. Jeremy stood on the other side, one hand in his pocket while his other held up my purse.

“I think you might need this.” He smiled and rocked back on his heels.

“I didn't even know it was missing.” I should have been embarrassed because I knew I smelled like spit up, but I was too tired to care.

“I had my car detailed.” He scratched the back of his head and my face flushed with mortification. My water had leaked all over his passenger seat. “It was under the seat. I'm sorry, I had to go through it to find your address, but I figured you’d need your identification.”

“Thank you.”

Jeremy stared at me for a few seconds in an awkward silence. I didn't know if I was supposed to tip him for saving my life, or maybe thank him for being there to hold my hand as I pushed out my child, but the lack of sleep was getting the best of me .“Okay then, I guess I'll let you go.” I stepped back to close the door.

“Everything all right?” he asked.

“Just dandy,” I joked.

“I only ask because you don't look as if you’ve slept in a long time and you have a little bit of baby poop on your shirt.” He pointed to a spot on my front.

I looked down in disgust. “And here I thought it was my body giving out the foul odor.” I rolled my eyes and turned into the house. Jeremy followed me in. I left him in the kitchen and jogged to my bedroom to change my shirt. I hadn’t done laundry in weeks, and it looked as though a tornado had tore through my room. The only clean shirt I had left was Weston’s T-shirt.

I couldn't put it on.

Digging through my hamper for a semi-clean shirt, I pulled it over my head and headed back to the living room. Jeremy was gazing into the bassinet where Lyra lay. Maybe it wasn’t the smartest thing to leave your baby with a complete stranger, but Jeremy seemed to have this persona about him. He was genuinely a good guy.

“Wow,” he whispered. “She's grown so much in the past week.”

“
Yeah, too bad she doesn't know how to sleep well.” I strolled to the kitchen to grab him a bottle of water. I needed to breathe away the guilt that was weighing heavy on my chest. I had kept the baby and had chosen to never tell anyone about her. I couldn’t give her up like I’d planned. I was an awful person because I kept her away from Weston. I knew that. But in my heart I knew I was doing what I could to protect my daughter. I walked back and held it up for him. He declined and looked back at Lyra. His smile grew as he watched her.