Ipods in Accra (7 page)

He didn't act surprised or anything – he just questioned me.

‘What does that mean?'

‘It means I see you more as … family.' As soon as I said it, I regretted it. Tanisha had once told me the friend/family thing was the worst thing anyone could ever tell you. It basically meant that you could never ever see that person as being anything else in your life, because there was a huge fault in the way they looked, spoke or behaved.

‘Oh great! You change your mind about how you feel about me and that's it, we're done?'

I stared at him. I could see how angry he was becoming, but there was no way I could pretend to be happy with him when I had stronger feelings for Nick.

‘Are you telling me that you're happy the way things are?' I asked.

‘No, I just know that sometimes you have to work at things, Makeeda.'

‘I can't do that.'

‘No, you
won't
do it, because you don't think we're worth saving. There's a difference.'

He was right. But I also knew we were finished a long time ago.

‘Nelson, don't put all of this on me. You haven't exactly made a huge effort to make things work!' I said, accusingly.

‘I've had exams.'

‘So have I! But not every day since January!' I shot back at him.

Oh no. I was awful at this. I really didn't mean to say that. I watched as a cloud grew across his features. He sank back into his seat, with a mixture of shock and anger.

‘January?' he whispered.

For what felt like ten minutes, he barely looked at me and concentrated on fiddling with the straw in his empty milkshake glass. I just sat there, wishing I could learn to stop letting go of words that damaged their listeners. I longed to be one of the passers-by on the other side of the window, instead of sitting opposite Nelson in silence.

‘That's a long time to feel like that, Makeeda. I thought we were more honest with each other.'

I wasn't sure what to say. Should I confirm this and risk hurting him even more? Or just lie?

‘I'm sorry,' I said instead.

‘No, you don't get it. I felt like things went off between us in January, too.' He wouldn't meet my eyes.

‘What?' This confirmed everything. It looked like I wasn't the only one in denial.

‘Well, why didn't you —?' I spluttered.

‘I just hoped we'd work it out. You know, like we've done before?' Nelson interrupted.

‘I don't think that's possible. I mean, it's not like you love me or anything.'

‘I do,' he whispered. ‘I really like you, Makeeda.'

‘Oh,' I gasped. I didn't want Nelson to tell me that. I wanted this to be over.

‘I love you, Makeeda. But you're right – it's more like a really special friend than a girlfriend. And that's not really fair on either of us, is it?'

‘I guess not.'

It was weird hearing my own words thrown back in my face. Nelson and I were breaking up. I couldn't bring myself to tell him the whole truth, so I never told him about my feelings for Nick. We were finished long before the almost-kiss with Nick, so what would be the point of hurting him more? But it was odd, admitting that we had both known things hadn't been right. And it hurt when we said goodbye that Nelson could wish me luck ‘with everything', as it meant that he had already decided not to be part of my future.

I really wanted to hug him tightly and tell him that he was a fantastic boyfriend, but it was too awkward. He kissed me, barely allowing any part of himself to touch me, other than the briefest brush of his lips against mine, but even then he acted like he'd been burned and stepped back. As he walked away, I saw him wiping his eyes quickly. He was hurt. I desperately wanted him to turn around, but he didn't. If he had, he would have seen my tear-stained cheeks.

No one had ever told me that doing the right thing would hurt that much. I wished they had. I wished I could've been more prepared for the sudden raw feeling of grief.

I couldn't go straight home, so I took the train into central London and hoped that hiding behind my science revision
guide would stop people staring at my tears.

I texted Bharti, praying for a reply – she had been distant ever since her revision course but I had thought that was because of our exams. Now we only had one exam to go, I thought that I'd be able to see her, but she still seemed busy. It had been hard enough seeing her before our exams, when she was going to dance classes twice a week. Now it felt like she was more of an imaginary friend.

Bharti:
Soz, I can't meet. Got relatives round.
Me:
Call me tonight. I really need 2 tlk.
Bharti:
Sure. X

I sighed. I guessed it could wait. As I walked towards TopShop I saw a girl who looked like Bharti. I almost called her name out, but I stopped as I saw her heading into a shoe shop. As I got closer, I noticed she was holding hands with a boy. I followed them and my breath caught in my throat. This girl didn't just look like Bharti. It
was
Bharti! Another huge tear rolled down my cheek and I went straight back to the station and headed home. Why did she lie to me?

It suddenly made sense. She had barely contacted me since returning from her revision course, and now I knew why. Bharti had a boyfriend. But why wouldn't she want me to know?

The final GCSE exam of my life was over. I watched as the invigilator collected the last paper. There was a mixture of anticipation and relief in the air as well as sweat. It was boiling in the gym – the heating had come on half an hour before the end. The rules meant we had to finish the exam anyway, but I reckoned I could use it as an excuse if I didn't get a good grade in that paper. It seemed to take ages for us to be dismissed as we had to file out of the gym in rows.

‘Hey, Makeeda, how did it go?' Bharti raced up to me.

‘OK,' I said. I was still furious with her, so I just carried on walking.

‘Hey, what's up? I tried calling you a few days ago, but Delphy said you were busy.'

‘Yeah, so?' I said curtly.

‘What have I done wrong now?'

‘Bharti, why didn't you tell me about your boyfriend?'

‘Shhh! Ohmigod, how did you find out?' Bharti said, grabbing me by the arm.

‘Ouch, that hurts!' I said, pulling away. ‘Last week. You know, the day you said you had relatives round? Well, I saw you on Oxford Street.'

‘Makeeda, I'm sorry, but I just couldn't tell you. Can we go for a walk or something?' Bharti asked.

She kept looking over her shoulder and I realised she was worried that the other girls might have overheard us.

‘Fine, but you'd better give me a decent excuse,' I replied.

We walked from school all the way through Harrow and eventually headed towards Bharti's house. The boy I had seen Bharti with was her boyfriend, Rafi. She had met him on the revision course she went on. She'd been lying to me all this time.

‘Technically it's an omission, Makeeda. A huge omission, but not a lie.'

‘Bharti, you're not really in a position to get all funny and technical with me. The fact is, you never told me about the biggest thing to happen to you in ages! Don't you trust me?'

‘Makeeda, of course I trust you! I just didn't want to put you in an awkward position, if my parents cornered you.'

‘Why would they?' I questioned.

‘Rafi isn't Hindu.'

‘Uh huh.' I stared at Bharti waiting for a huge bombshell.

‘I'm Hindu and he's not. His name is Rafi!' Bharti said.

‘So?'

‘Makeeda, I'm a Hindu girl, dating a Muslim boy. Why don't you get this?'

I was puzzled. I mean, I'd heard some of the other girls in my year mention it as a big deal, but I never thought Bharti felt the same way.

‘Is it really that big a deal?'

‘Yeah, I doubt Gayatri would speak to me again.'

‘Your auntie?'

‘Yeah.'

Bharti's mum had a younger sister who was about thirty and really opinionated.

I remembered Tejas being caught kissing his Polish girlfriend, in Harrow bus station, by one of his aunt's friends. His parents hadn't been bothered about it, but when his aunt confronted him he told her that he was never going to date a ‘nice Indian girl'. Although, according to Bharti, his current girlfriend was someone their aunt would really approve of, he still went to crazy lengths to avoid being seen with her. Tejas didn't want his aunt in his business – he was actually pleased when his girlfriend's family moved to St Albans, as his aunt's spies were all in Harrow.

Tejas had once stopped me from going into their home because Gayatri was there. She hated me being best friends with Bharti and I hated the fact that she was Bharti's aunt. Once when Bharti's parents were away and she was in charge, she kept asking me odd questions about what Mum and Dad did for a living. It felt like she was trying to work out whether I was good enough to be her niece's friend. Aunt Grace told
me to be really careful around her and not give her any cause to think that I was a bad influence. But Mum had interrupted her and said that I should never let anyone make me feel like I wasn't worth talking to or being around.

I guessed Bharti's auntie was like one of Aunt Grace's friends, Auntie Yaa, who believed that Ghanaian girls should only date Ghanaian boys. Auntie Yaa would come round and question Afua, Tanisha and me about who we were going out with. Afua caught on quickly and would say any male Ghanaian name she could think of, but I was always a bit slow at that, so it was obvious that I was lying. Tanisha would purposely choose male names from across the world, just to wind her up. Mum would defend us and say, as long as we were happy, she didn't mind who we went out with. Then she qualified it and said that she didn't want any criminals or drug addicts.

‘So don't tell them,' I said. ‘Actually, scratch that. Do you remember what happened with Nelson?'

When I first started going out with Nelson, I'd hidden it from my parents. This had meant lying every time I went out with him. Eventually, I'd got caught out big time, when he'd shown up at my house with my scarf. It had been pretty ugly. Mum and Dad had been shocked that I had a boyfriend and had lied about it, and he had been hurt that I hadn't told them about him!

‘Ohmigod! What's happening with you and Nelson?' Bharti asked, suddenly stopping.

‘We've split up for good,' I said coolly.

‘Oh Makeeda, I'm really sorry,' she said and she hugged me.

‘I should've been there for you. Was it really awful?'

‘Yeah, and it would've been easier if I had my best friend to talk to …' I added.

‘Yeah, fair enough. I've been a shoddy mate. I get it. You can ease up on the guilt trip,' Bharti said.

I grinned at her. I was more interested in what I'd missed than being angry with her.

‘Tell your parents about Rafi, Bharti, now!' I said.

‘I can't! I don't know what to do – he makes me so happy. He's into the same books as me and …'

‘What that freaky horror stuff?'

‘Yeah.'

‘Oh God, marry him then!' I said, and we both laughed hysterically.

Bharti loved to read and despite our exams she'd still managed to feed her addiction to the latest five-hundred-page horror book. Personally, I couldn't see the appeal of reading something that was guaranteed to freak you out every ten pages.

‘So how did you two get together?' I asked.

Bharti grinned. ‘He was in my revision class, by mistake.'

‘Huh?'

‘There had been a mix-up and he thought he was meant to start the same day as me, but he was a week early.'

‘Hmm …' I didn't want to tell her Rafi sounded kind of dumb.

‘I know what you're thinking, but it was an honest mistake. He even showed me his enrolment form.'

‘I never said a word!' I said smirking.

‘He sat next to me in class.' Bharti smiled.

‘Did he ask you out straight away?'

‘No, don't be daft! That would be totally illogical!' Bharti said. ‘I didn't like him then.'

‘A-ha, the old love-hate vibe!' I smiled.

‘No, just hate! He was so obnoxious – it was like he thought he was the brightest kid in the room or something! Every two minutes he was answering the questions and not giving anyone else a look in.'

‘Oh, so how did you go from that to a couple?' I was confused.

‘Well, one day we had an argument …'

‘About what?' I prompted.

‘Um …' Bharti looked away. ‘I can't remember.'

‘Huh? How can you forget your first argument? That's totally illogical, Bharti!'

I watched as a sheepish look crossed her face.

‘What are you hiding?' I added.

‘Nothing.'

‘Bharti! Ohmigod, just tell me!' I said.