Irresistible Forces (25 page)

“It must be hard not having your husband live here,” Mary Ellen said sympathetically, which startled Meredith. It was a surprisingly adult thing to say, and she nodded in agreement.

“It is. He's trying to find a job, but it's not easy, and right now he's stuck in New York anyway, because his boss had an accident,” she explained.

“He fixes people who get shot, right?” Andy asked sensibly and she laughed.

“That and a few other things.”

“People must shoot each other a lot in New York to need a special doctor for it,” he added, and they all laughed. It was an interesting perception, and not entirely inaccurate, but it reminded her again that Steve was very much part of her life, and she couldn't avoid him forever.

She and Cal talked about it again that night, and she said she really had to go home the following weekend. But when Thursday came, she found she truly did have to see customers, coming in from Tokyo. And she didn't know what to tell Steve, since she had already used that excuse for the weekend she'd spent in Carmel with Cal and his kids.

“Again?” Steve said unhappily when she told him she couldn't come home that weekend. “Christ, Merrie, do you ever plan to get back here? You know how stuck I am, with Lucas gone.”

“What about Anna? Can't she cover for you, so you can come out to California?”

“Not this week. She just worked six days straight on duty and on call. She hasn't seen her kid in days. I told her I'd at least be on call for her through Sunday.”

“So if I'd come, then you might have been busy anyway. Maybe it's just as well I can't do it.” She was making excuses that didn't quite fly with Steven.

“Look, Merrie. I don't care who goes where. I want to see you. The last bulletin I had was that we're still married. And if that's the case, I'd like to see you more than once a month, if that's okay with you.” He was really irritated with her.

“I'll come back next week.” She sounded apologetic as she said it.

“That's what you say every week, and then on Thursdays you call to tell me you have to see customers, or go to Hawaii, or fly a kite with Callan Dow. I don't know what the fuck you're doing out there, but all I know is that I never see you anymore.” He sounded angry and tired and jealous, and she couldn't blame him.

“I'm sorry. I don't know what to say.” She was feeling desperately guilty, and a little frightened by what she was doing. No matter what she felt for Cal, or how good it was, she was risking her marriage and she knew it. She couldn't expect Steve to put up with this forever.

“Never mind, Meredith. I'll see you when I see you. If you come to New York, call me. I have to get back to work now.” He almost hung up on her, and she felt uncomfortable for the rest of the day, thinking about it. But she didn't say anything to Cal. Steve was her problem. And her husband.

She entertained at Fleur de Lys with Cal on Friday night, the Japanese loved French food, and they thought the restaurant was excellent. And on Saturday, they took them to Masa's. Their meetings with them went well, too, and they were enthusiastic about a new system Cal was putting together. Meredith spent all her time with them until they left on Sunday. And when she called Steve that night, he was out, and she drove over to have dinner with Cal and the children. As it turned out, Steve worked all weekend in New York, and if Meredith had been there, he couldn't have seen her. They had another blizzard, and the temperature dropped dramatically. There were sheets of ice on the ground, and Steve said he had never seen as many fractures. He was assisting the orthopods in surgery day and night, and he had four head-ons, which involved children.

He had given Anna the weekend off, but he was thrilled to see her when she finally came in on Sunday evening, and he was still working.

“I hear you had a good time this weekend.” She smiled at him. She had had fun sliding around on the snow on garbage can lids and plastic bags in Central Park with her daughter. “Thanks for the time off. We had a great time.”

“Lucky you,” he growled at her. “Every old lady in New York has been in here with a fractured ass since you left on Friday.”

“I like that diagnosis. Did you tell them that?”

“Yeah. They loved it.” He smiled grudgingly at her. He'd been in a bad mood since Thursday.

“Did Meredith fly in?” she asked casually, wondering if they'd had a fight, or if he'd even seen her. She'd had the feeling lately that things weren't going brilliantly between them.

“No. She had to see customers. Again,” he snapped at her.

“You couldn't have seen her anyway if she had come,” Anna said practically, judging from his workload.

“That's what she said. She could have at least tried.”

“Look, kid. You're both busy. You knew this wouldn't be easy when you let her move, but you thought you'd both have jobs. Now you don't and you're both trying to make the best of it. It's not her fault your job fell through.” She was being reasonable, but it annoyed him that she wasn't as sorry for him as he thought she should be.

“Do you have to rub it in? Or do you just do that for the hell of it?” he snarled at her and shrugged, and then a minute later he apologized for it. “I'm sorry. I had a shit weekend. I haven't slept since Friday night. I'm sick and tired of the bullshit here. I miss my wife. And I get the feeling she never wants to come back here anymore, and it's driving me crazy.”

“So go see her,” Anna said sensibly. “Next Saturday is Valentine's Day. Why don't you surprise her?”

“What if she does the same thing and flies here and I miss her?” He was too tired to work it out in his head, but Anna wasn't. And at heart, despite her blunt words and bad breaks, she was still a romantic.

“So tell her you're on duty and can't see her, and she won't come. Then you fly out, and surprise her … you know, chocolates, roses, the whole Valentine thing. Very romantic. She'll love it.” Anna smiled at him, wishing someone would do the same for her, but there was no one to do it. Hadn't been in years.

“Anna,” he beamed at her happily, “you're a genius.” He made his reservations on the phone that night, and was planning to fly out on Friday at noon when he got off work. With the time difference, he could be in Palo Alto before she left the office. “Thank you,” he said to Anna before he went home to get some sleep, and promised her he'd be back in the morning.

“Just call me Cupid,” she called after him, as she watched him go. He was so tired, he was weaving. She was glad he wasn't driving. She knew he'd take a cab home to the apartment he hadn't let her see yet. She had long since guessed that he didn't want her to feel bad when she saw how luxurious it was. But she knew his wife made a lot of money. He came to see her at her place instead sometimes for a glass of wine, or a burrito when she made them. He and Felicia were pals now, and they both enjoyed the visits.

It was quiet in trauma unit that night, and Anna didn't need to call him for anything. She handled the unit well by herself, and the residents and nurses all liked her. She was still hoping the job would become permanent eventually, but there was no sign of it yet. Steve didn't seem to be going anywhere. And when she thought about it, as she sat in his office that night, she was glad.

Chapter 15

W
HAT ARE YOU
doing on Saturday?” Cal asked Meredith cryptically on Friday morning.

“Nothing much,” she smiled at him. She knew what day it was, and what he probably had in mind. Saturday was Valentine's Day, and she was staying in California for yet another weekend. Steve had already told her days before that he was working and there was no point in her flying to New York. They had canceled yet another weekend, and it was worrying her that they seemed to be drifting apart so swiftly. It concerned her even more that the life that she was building with Cal was becoming more solid by the minute. They saw each other nearly every night, and he stayed over whenever he could get away with it. She had dinner with him and the kids, and went to basketball games and movies and other places with them, every weekend. She was becoming a fixture. And he was beginning to feel like her husband.

No one at work had spotted anything yet, and they were supremely careful to see that that didn't happen. And his kids didn't seem to have any suspicions either. Everyone seemed to assume that they were the same friends they'd always been since she'd started working for him. But sooner or later she knew that someone might discover them, and then they would have a serious problem. It would hardly have been appropriate for people to know she was cheating on her husband.

“How about dinner at Fleur de Lys tomorrow night?” he suggested casually, and she smiled with pleasure.

“I'd love it.” It seemed odd not to spend Valentine's Day with Steve, and she felt guilty about wanting to be with Cal in San Francisco. But the truth was, she wanted to be with Cal, not Steve, for the time being.

“Why don't you come over and hang out tonight? I'll rent some videos and we can make popcorn,” he suggested.

“Do you want me to bring the videos?” she offered as she put her work into her briefcase. But she seemed to be taking less and less work home on the weekends. She was spending time with him instead, and not really in the mood to do “homework.”

“Sure, you bring the videos. I'll make dinner for us after the kids eat,” he volunteered. It sounded good to both of them, and Meredith tried not to think of what they were doing. They were living a fantasy that felt good now, but it couldn't go on forever, particularly once Steve found a job and moved to California. No matter how they avoided it now, eventually they knew they'd have to face it. But not yet, she told herself. Not yet. What she was sharing with Cal was too sweet to abandon. She knew it was selfish of her but she couldn't bring herself to break it off yet, no matter how guilty she felt about Steven.

“I'll come over in a couple of hours,” she promised. She wanted to take a bath, and relax, and give him some time with his children before she joined him. She didn't want to wear out her welcome with them.

She drove home to the furnished apartment she was still living in. She still hadn't found a house she liked, and she was spending less time working on it. She'd been busy, and as long as Steve was still in New York, she couldn't see the point of living in the city. And she wanted to stay in Palo Alto to be near Cal now. He had told her she could keep the apartment she had for as long as she wanted.

She let herself into her apartment with her key, and as she walked in, she suddenly had an odd feeling. She sensed, more than saw anything different. There was just an eerie feeling as she walked into her living room, and set down her briefcase, and as she did, Steve walked out of her bedroom with a huge bouquet of flowers. She nearly jumped a foot when she saw him. The last thing she expected was to see Steve there.

“What are you doing here?” she said, as though he were an intruder, and he looked at her with an odd expression, as he walked toward her with the flowers.

“I thought you'd be happy to see me,” he said, looking disappointed.

“I am.” She covered her tracks immediately, and moved toward him. “I just … I didn't expect … you said you were working this weekend.”

“I wanted to surprise you,” he said, setting the flowers down on the coffee table. He put his arms around her then, and she prayed that he wouldn't sense any resistance. She hadn't seen him since things had changed with Cal, and she was desperately afraid that he might sense it. But she was sure he didn't when he kissed her. “Happy Valentine's Day, Merrie,” he said happily, pleased with what he'd accomplished. It had been obvious from her expression that she didn't expect him, and her mind was racing.

“What a great surprise!” she said valiantly, and he didn't tell her it had been Anna's suggestion.

“I figured it was easier for me to come out than to get you away from your work here. You'd better be free this weekend. I want to take you out to dinner tomorrow.” So did Cal, she thought almost the moment he said it. But that was impossible now. She had to spend Valentine's Day with her husband. As long as he had gone to the trouble to come out, she knew she had to spend every moment with him. And it seemed like something of a mixed blessing to her. “So what'll we do tonight?” he beamed at her. He knew what was at top of his list, but after that, he was thinking of taking her to dinner or a movie.

“I don't know. Why don't we just stay here?” She felt completely disoriented, and for some odd reason, she felt as though she were entertaining a stranger. Having slept with Cal, she felt as though her whole life was out of balance.

“I can cook if you want,” Steve offered, “or we can order a pizza.”

“Sure, sweetheart,” she said amiably, “whatever you want. You must be exhausted.” At least she hoped so, but he looked surprisingly refreshed, despite the time difference and the endless string of days he'd been working.

“I slept on the plane, I feel great actually.” He put his arms around her again then, “I've really missed you.” They hadn't seen each other in five weeks, and for three weeks she had allowed herself the delusion that he no longer existed. But he was all too real now.

“I've missed you too,” she lied, feeling flustered and awkward as she moved his flowers to the dining room table, and thanked him. But as he watched her, he didn't know why, but he sensed that something was different between them. Maybe it was the surprise, and she hadn't had time to absorb it.

“How was your week?” he asked casually.

“Okay.”

“It sounds like you've been working day and night since Hawaii.” He'd called her, but she had hardly ever answered, and she'd only spoken to him from the office, because Cal had been there every evening.

“I've been pretty busy,” she said vaguely.

“Why don't I take a shower, and we can relax for a while,” he said with a smile. She knew what that meant. Sometimes when they'd been apart for awhile, making love got them back on track and comfortable with each other again, but this time, at the thought of it, she felt panicked.

“I'd love that, but I've got one bit of bad news.” She actually blushed as she said it, for a variety of reasons.

“What's that?” He looked momentarily worried.

“It's the wrong time of the month for hot romance….” She tried to let him come to his own conclusions.

“You've got your period?” She nodded. It wasn't true, but she suddenly realized that she didn't want to deal with the physical aspects of her double life, and their complicated situation. She hadn't had time to prepare herself for what it would mean when she next saw him. “That's no big deal,” he smiled at her. “It never used to bother us when we were in college, did it?” She looked stunned and felt trapped when he said it. “If we're going to live on separate coasts, we're going to have to take what comes, if you'll pardon the pun, when we do see each other.”

“Thank you,” she whispered, as he disappeared into the bedroom to undress and take a shower. And when she heard the water running, she reached for the phone and dialed Cal. He answered on the second ring, and was happy to hear her voice.

“When are you coming over? I bought a couple of steaks, and a nice bottle of wine.”

“I can't come,” she said quickly.

“Why not? Is something wrong?” He could hear the strain in her voice, and although she didn't need to, she was almost speaking in a whisper.

“Steve is here. He surprised me.” There was a long pause, and a painful silence.

“I see … well, that's interesting. To what do we owe the pleasure … no, let me guess. He came out for Valentine's Day, for a little romance.” Cal sounded cynical to cover his hurt as he said it. But it was the price he had to pay for having an affair with a married woman.

“I guess so. I don't know, Cal.” Now she was lying to him too. The dream was slowly turning into a nightmare, but they had known it would. They had been kidding themselves for the past few weeks, but now the truth was staring them both in the face. The only one who didn't know what was happening was Steven. “I can't see you tomorrow,” she said sadly.

“Obviously.” And then he seemed to recover. “It's all right, Merrie. I understand.” They had put off having any discussion about their future because they realized that until Steve appeared they could live the fantasy. But now he was here and they had to face the truth and all its implications. “We'll have dinner next week and talk about it. I'll see you on Monday. I assume he's going back Sunday night on the red-eye.” In spite of himself, he sounded hopeful.

“He hasn't said yet.” The water had stopped running and she knew she had to get off. The entire situation was making her extremely nervous. “I'll call you when I can.”

“Don't worry about it. I'll spend a quiet weekend with the kids. Just remember one thing.”

“What's that?” she whispered.

“I love you.” As she listened, she realized that he was more than she deserved. They both were. She felt guilty about both of them. They were good men, and she loved them. But giving each of them half of her heart was less than either of them deserved and it was driving her crazy.

“Me too,” she said as Steve wandered into the living room wrapped in a towel, still dripping water. “Have a nice weekend,” she said and hung up, as Steve looked at her with a smile.

“Who was that?”

“My secretary … Joan … I needed her to do some work this weekend.” The lies were endless, and Meredith hated herself for them. But there was no way she could be honest with him. What was she supposed to say? That it was Cal, and that she had just told him she loved him?

“You all work too hard,” Steve announced as he walked into the kitchen and opened the refrigerator. He liked beer, and she had none. All she had was some white wine Cal had left there. “You're out of beer,” Steve said, looked at the wine and raised an eyebrow. “You're drinking mighty expensive stuff these days. You never drink wine when you're alone,” he said, but it was more a question than an accusation.

“I had some people over. The Japanese people last weekend.”

“Too bad you didn't buy sake for them. I like that better. We can go buy some beer later.”

“I wasn't expecting you, so I didn't buy it.”

“No prob,” he said with a boyish grin. He seemed like a big kid now, compared to Cal's sophistication. It was odd to realize that she was more comfortable now with her lover than her husband. The last four months had not been kind to them. “Why don't we hop into bed for a while?” he suggested with a look of mischief, as he took her by the hand and pulled her into the bedroom. She was still wearing the navy blue suit she'd worn to work, with a gold necklace and a pair of pearl earrings. She looked businesslike and cool, and the last thing on her mind was sex or romance. But there was absolutely no way she could refuse him. She had already tried time of the month, and he hadn't bought it. And in the days before Cal, she would have been anxious to sleep with him after all the time they hadn't seen each other. They had always had an active sex life.

She took off her suit, draped it over a chair, kicked off her shoes, took off her jewelry, and pantyhose, and a minute later, she slipped into bed in her underwear, after a quick stop in the bathroom. She felt like one of those legendary brides who lock themselves in the bathroom and refuse to come out, but if she had done that, he would have thought she was crazy.

And for a minute, he just lay there and held her, but she could feel how much he wanted her, and suddenly all her feelings for him came rushing back, not in the form of passion, but of pity.

“What's wrong, sweetheart?” He knew her too well, and he was shocked to feel that she was shaking.

There were tears in her eyes when she answered. She had been so unfair to him. She had made a mess of everything, and she couldn't even tell him about it. It would only have hurt him. She wasn't sure what she wanted to say to him. What could she say? That she was having an affair and in love with another man? It would have been so cruel to tell him. “I don't know,” she struggled to explain, without actually saying anything too damning to him. “It's hard not seeing each other for so long, and then coming together like this … it feels strange, doesn't it?”

“Not to me,” he said in a gentle tone, his voice husky with desire for her, “but women are different.” Yes, she thought to herself, as Cal had once said of Charlotte, they are fundamentally dishonest. She hated herself for what she was doing to him. And she thought she was no better than Charlotte.

“I'm sorry.” She clung to him like a lost child as he held her. He had been her friend, her comfort, her mentor, and now he felt like a stranger to her.

“Don't be sorry, Merrie. Just let me hold you.” He did for a long time, and eventually she relaxed, but when he tried to make love to her, she was so stiff and miserable that she wondered if she was becoming frigid. With him, at least. It had been a different story with Cal since Hawaii. “Maybe surprising you like this wasn't such a great idea,” he said finally. He didn't want to force her to make love with him, but he couldn't stand not having her either. He got out of bed and walked around the room, and then he saw the gold watch she had left on the table. “What's that?” he asked casually, as he picked it up. It was heavy and looked expensive.

“My watch,” she said, watching him.