Is My Bow Too Big? How I Went From Saturday Night Live to the Tea Party (28 page)

The whole Middle East conflict began back in Old Testament times. Abraham had two sons: Ishmael and Isaac. They are still fighting over who gets the “birthright.” Genesis 16:12 says Ishmael will be a “wild man.” I try to stay away from violence, and I wouldn’t even be thinking about Islam, except that they keep jumping in front of my face. No one talked about Islam when I grew up. How did it suddenly appear in America?

My friend was a flight attendant in the Middle East in the ’80s. Isn’t that when we started buying oil from them? She told me that the Arabs on her flights were suddenly covered with money and didn’t know what to do with it. They gave the flight attendants Rolexes for tips and would do cocaine in the back of the plane with hookers. I guess they were “backslidden” Muslims. That’s a Christian word for someone who is not obeying the rules of their faith. And speaking of Baptists… why can’t the “good, peaceful Muslims” denounce the actions of the “bad, violent” Muslims? I’m Baptist, and I denounce the actions of the Westboro Baptist Church. They are not living the way Jesus taught, but the opposite. Maybe it’s because the “good” Muslims approve of what the “bad” Muslims are doing! Maybe they are celebrating it, funding it, and cheering them on.

My Dad said, “It’s a good thing most Muslims are “lukewarm,” or we’d all be dead!” My friend Jim Riley says, “What’s responsible for radicalizing the Muslims? The Quran!”

Some say the “kill the infidel” thing (Sura 9:5) is misquoted and taken out of context. Really? Then why do the Muslim murderers shout “Allahu Akbar!” before they kill people?

Why does the liberal media praise Imam Rauf, who has terrorist ties, while simultaneously attacking patriot Pamela Geller for standing up and saying, “Don’t build a victory mosque on the very spot Muslims killed 3,000 innocent Americans”?

The Muslims don’t want their “hijab” searched at the TSA. They are “modest.” They’ve been advised to refuse the “pat down” and the “naked scan” and pat themselves down! Napolitano hasn’t yet decided what to do. Heaven forbid they be treated like the rest of us! The Muslims are exempt from Obamacare because of “dhimmitude.” Muslims consider insurance “gambling.”

Adul Gheit said he had a one-on-one meeting with Obama, where the President told him that he was still a Muslim, the son of a Muslim father, the stepson of Muslim stepfather, that his half brothers in Kenya are Muslims, and that he was sympathetic toward the Muslim agenda.

The fact is, we are in a war with no name, fighting an enemy that lives on our soil. Not only are they plotting our demise, but they are laughing at our stupidity, mocking our open arms and freedom, demanding rights above our own, and soon the transformation of our churches and synagogues into mosques. President Obama is not helping us. He’s helping them.

The American Center for Law and Justice is on our side, though. They delivered oral arguments in the New York State Supreme Court to stop the building of the Ground Zero Victory Mosque.

Homosexuality and The Cross

My cell rang.
Inside Edition
wanted me. I looked around the room.
Do I have any scandals?! And how’d they get my number?

I had just written a column about the imminent danger of the Islamic agenda, and
Inside Edition
said it was about my column about Muslims. Then they called right back and said, “No, it’s about the gay
Glee
kiss you mentioned in the article.” Oh boy.

At the TV studio, on air, I spoke for thirty minutes, and mentioned several Bible verses (including Romans 1:24–32) which put homosexuality in a list of sins including gossip. I said Romans 2 tells us not to judge because we are all sinners. I quoted Romans 3:23, “All have sinned and fall short of the glory of God,” and Ephesians 2:8–9: “For by grace you have been saved through faith; and that not of yourselves, it is the gift of God; not as a result of works, so that no one may boast.”

Of course, when my segment aired, the Bible verses had been edited out. They showed clips from
SNL
when I was 28 years old, and then a slow-motion close-up of me pouting at age 51. They used about one minute of my thirty-minute interview.

Driving to the Atlanta airport, I thought about my life-long college friend from Auburn. He was the only person who believed in me. He knows all of my sins; I know a few of his. I always tell him, “I don’t believe you’re ‘gay.’” We went on a date once and even kissed. We wrote a screenplay together. He loves drama. I can picture him now laughing, “Victoria, what are you doing? Your career! You’ll never work again in Hollywood! Oh, but Hollywood loves a scandal!” And the twinkle in his eye.

My cell rings. It’s
CNN
. Oh boy. The liberal, left, propaganda channel! I’m sure this won’t be pleasant! At 5 p.m. I’m sitting in a studio at
CNN
’s Atlanta headquarters, looking into a monitor. The TV screen is showing the gay teenage kiss over and over and over. My dad limited my exposure to carnality during my youth—no TV and no PG or R movies. He said, “Things you see stick in your head forever.” He valued my purity. Dad kept me innocent. That was his job. Maybe that is why I play “airheads” so well. I’m playing innocence.

Small children are watching
Glee
,
ABC Family
, the other hundred sex-saturated shows, and now
Inside Edition
is showing the gay kiss over and over.

With a blank slate anxious to receive guidance and information, American children are being brainwashed by the secular humanist media—training for sexual promiscuity and hate for God. The innocence of an entire generation is being hijacked. They will not know love letters, romance, purity, or the blessings of following Jesus. They are not being taught that there is such a thing as sin, or that sin always leads to heartache. They are being taught that there are no absolutes, and that whatever feels good is truth.

It’s 5:05 p.m. at the
CNN
interrogation room. In my ear contraption, I can’t tell when the blond lady is talking to America or when she is talking to me. There are all these noises, dings, zings, flashbacks, videos, her face, my face. I hear her shout, “Are you homophobic?” a couple times. Her eyes are full of hate. These people are like robots—pod people. They have no minds of their own. They say the words they’ve been programmed to say. When these pod people get confused, they shout, “Hate speech, bigot!”

(The Huffington Post went so far as to say I “dislike sex”! Oh, do I? Ask my husband of 19 years!)

Can’t one liberal stray from the pack and say, “Hey, Sarah Palin is the perfect feminist,” just to show they have a brain of their own? It’s like they all got a playbook to memorize: Obama: good. Muslim: good. Christian: bad. Palin: dumb. Lesbian: good. Gay: normal. Climate change: man made. Capitalism: bad. Socialism: good. Beck: fear monger. Van Jones: never heard of him. Soros: who? Bigot, hate speech, homophobe, border racist, tea-party racist. Black: good. White: bad. Latin: good. Oil: bad. Bank: bad. Rich: bad. Church: stupid. Guns: bad.” Whew! Got it! Now, I can be cool. No one can hurt me.

It’s 5:08 p.m. in the lion’s den at
CNN
. It’s all a swirl of shouts and finger wagging. I try to warn teens about STDs. I hear, “Why are you doing this?” I think I reply, “I’m worried about our country. Leviticus 26 says that God will bless the nation that blesses Him, and He can’t bless us if we… spit in His face… I’m trying to encourage people to stand up for what they believe in, and not hide in church and preach to the choir.”

When I walk through the cavernous lobby to leave
CNN
, I glance around. No one is smiling at me. They look away or they look mean.
Pod people. No minds of their own. Brainwashed.

They wear identical hairdos, identical clothes, and have identical thoughts. I look into a woman’s face and smile. She looks away. The black guard won’t validate my parking ticket. He doesn’t smile. This is eerie.

Gays propagate the opinion that they were born this way, and have no choice. They say they did not ask for their same-sex attraction. Well, everyone I know was born with sexual attractions they did not ask for. Should they act on them? Should my husband commit adultery because he has an attraction to another woman? Should my teenager fornicate because she was born with a strong urge to have sex with her boyfriend? Should I have sex with anyone I am attracted to?

Believers are told to take “every thought captive” that doesn’t conform to Christ’s standards. We must evaluate every one of our actions, desires, and impulses and bring everything under control in obedience to Jesus. It’s for our own happiness.

It’s almost impossible to be an actor and stay true to your Christian values. The force is so strong to compromise when you are the one facing the test.

I was asked to do a lesbian kiss in a show twice, and I said no. But I’m guilty of being part of a few movies that may have been a bad influence on young people. I’m very sorry to anyone I led away from God.

Actors play murderers, robbers, and gossips, but the gay lifestyle is always glorified. The other sins always seem to be punished or redeemed, but TV shows never show the downside to homosexuality: the loneliness, shame, diseases, and broken families and marriages. The shame does not come from “society,” but from God. Even if gays get everyone in the world to accept their behavior as “normal,” there will still be shame, because it goes against God’s law. Unless sin numbs their soul and their heart turns to stone, they will hear the still, small voice of God saying, “I have a better way.”

The liberal media cannot understand how a Christian can love a homosexual and yet not condone their lifestyle. My gay friends and I don’t discuss each other’s sex lives. My gay friend called me last night and told me that he knows I love him.

Here’s the good news of the cross: it applies to everyone, gay or straight: “If you confess with your mouth Jesus as Lord, and believe in your heart that God raised Him from the dead, you will be saved… whoever will call on the name of the Lord will be saved.” Romans 10:9–13.

My next journalistic endeavor will be covering the 2012 election. History will be made. America will either be lost or saved.

Missionary

“…so I live and I breathe for an audience of one.”

–Sara Groves

I
gave Johnny Carson a Bible with his name engraved on it. I read in a tabloid that he had a heart attack. I put the Bible in a box with candy and Play Doh, some doodads, a video of my new stand-up act, a slinky, and a card. He wrote me back, “Thank you for the care package. If it doesn’t work I hold you personally responsible. Love, Johnny Carson.”

I framed the note and placed it on my wall of fame. He was a classy gentleman.

Johnny Carson was better than other talk show hosts because he was gracious; he made the guest look good. For instance, if he knew my husband was a fire-eater from the pre-interview notes, Carson wouldn’t exclaim, “So, your husband’s a fire-eater?!” and thus get the laugh for himself. He would instead say, “So, what does your husband do for a living?” I’d say, “He’s a fire-eater,” and
I’d
get the laugh. Then Johnny would tap his pencil, make a funny face, and get a few chuckles for himself on top of it.

At
SNL
, I’d walk the hallways in wonder, realizing that I had no improv training, and no particular talent for impressions or characterizations. I quickly learned how to do Roseanne, Zsa Zsa, and the Brooklyn Swami, but I hadn’t even watched SNL on TV until I was on it. We didn’t have a TV.
Why was I here?!
I thought,
This must be my mission field.
But I didn’t proselytize. I just showed up on time and did my best. I was professional. I didn’t say bad words or take God’s name in vain, even if it was in the script. No one seemed to notice.

One time I sat outside Lorne Michaels’ office for an hour (he was a busy man) to ask him if I could take myself out of a sketch that made fun of extreme evangelicals. I didn’t mind poking fun at someone who owned Jesus-themed salt and pepper shakers, or who would invest in a magical prayer cloth and such, but in the middle of the sketch I was to kneel down and pray. I told Lorne that I thought prayer really was talking to God, and I was afraid I would get hit by lightning or start crying if I was mocking prayer like that. With a loving face, Lorne said, “I understand, Victoria. No problem.” He gave the sketch to Julia Sweeney, a Catholic at the time. She would later write her play,
Letting Go of God
, which narrates her transition into atheism. The sketch got no laughs at the dress rehearsal, so it never appeared on air.