Is the Bitch Dead, Or What? (11 page)

“We will get mucho media attention. And we can make some money through sponsorship packages,” said Ruff. “Besides, Ritz wants to come back big. She wants a spectacle. She said she wants to show people that she's not scared.

What better way than a big, splashy, public event? You got to give it to her. She has balls.”

“Yeah. She's got balls, all right. Maybe she can do us all a favor and get shot again!”

“Come on, Miss Gogel!”

“You want publicity?! Now, that would bring us a lot of attention. In fact, it would be nice if Ritz could get her ass shot every four months or so, when they issue the new Arbitron book. I'll speak to her about it. I'll tell her she should be a ‘team player.'”

“I don't want it like that,” said Ruff, trying not to laugh. “I know how you feel about Ritz. But she has been a cash cow for us. How many people would come back from being shot and fight so hard to get back on the air? I respect that lady. I respect her a lot.”

“Only because I respect you, I'll keep my thoughts to myself from now on,” she said. “But I still wouldn't mind seeing her fat behind get drilled again. Okay, let's change the subject.”

“Okay. How's your love life?” Ruff sneaked out a chuckle.

“That's enough, smart-ass.”

Even though Ritz was weeks away from being back on the air, the party would be a way for her fans to celebrate her recovery and that she was alive. Ruff thought it would be a great idea, and he rounded up Ritz's team to help. Jamie, Aaron, and Chas were called to the office and told the news. They all agreed to do anything that needed to be done. Ruff wanted them to man a Ritz Harper booth where they would
sell Ritz Harper T-shirts, hats, and mugs, and give away autographed promotional pictures.

“But Ritz won't be there,” Chas said.

“I know, but her team will be. Trust me, people will be happy to get a piece of her. She will be like the Wizard of Oz, there but not there. It'll work.”

Ruff asked Chas to stick around after Aaron was sent back to man the boards. This was the first day of fill-in hosts, and he had to make sure everything was right.

Jamie had a lot of preparation to do for this woman Michelle Davis. Jamie didn't know what to expect from her, but she had made it known that she wanted to be tight, as she always was. She was excited. She had hopes of them taking their little thing to another level.

“Chas, I want to thank you for being a trooper,” Ruff said. “Thank you for pitching in and making this hectic time less hectic. You are a real pro. I know it's been difficult. I know you had other plans, but you put all of that aside, rolled up your sleeves, and made it happen here. Thank you.”

“I just want to win,” Chas said. “I want to be number one.”

“Do you think you can be number one with anyone who sits in that seat?” Ruff asked.

“I don't think I can. I know I can.”

“Would it matter to you if Ritz didn't come back?” Ruff asked.

Is this a trick question
? Chas thought. He had better be careful in answering this one.

Maybe Ruff was setting him up, trying to see where he
stood. He had to stay inside if he was ever to get what he really wanted. Chas was a patient man. What he wanted now more than anything was Ritz out of the way. But he couldn't have his fingerprints on that. Law No. 26 in the 48 Laws of Power states: Keep Your Hands Clean. “Maintain a spotless appearance by using others as scapegoats to disguise your involvement.”

“Ritz is the diva. She is a fierce competitor and she loves to win,” said Chas, not answering Ruff's question.

Ruff didn't pursue it. He thanked Chas again and told him that if he needed anything, to feel free to come to him.

Back in the studio, Aaron was feeling a little out of the loop and depressed.

“I miss Ritz,” he confided in Jamie.

“Believe it or not, I do, too,” Jamie said. “She was so crazy that she made the job interesting.”

“I know. It was like we were creating something special here. We were being noticed. Even some of my friends were giving me props. Ritz talked to me so much on the air and let me go buckwild with the sound effects, it's like I had my own show within a show.”

“I know. But I don't miss being the gofer. She was a bit much with that, and putting me on blast on the radio wasn't cool,” Jamie said.

“She didn't do that to you often. You should have seen the last three interns. All she had them do was buy her super-size Kotex. She must have a goddamn Grand Canyon between her legs! They really got the hammer, and none of them lasted long. Ritz needed you. And even if she didn't say it, she appreciated you. I hope she comes back soon.”

“Yeah.”

“So who is this Michelle Davis bitch who is filling in for the week?”

“Watch that ‘bitch' shit,” Jamie shot back. “And boy, you need to up your game a bit. You don't know Michelle Davis? She's only the hottest up-and-comer in the news business. Fox News has her as their next big thing. I think she's very good. I don't know how she'll roll with radio, though.”

“I hope she falls flat on her face!”

“Aaron! Come on, now. You have to be professional,” Jamie warned.

“Don't worry, I'll be very professional. But she ain't getting none of my extras. No sound effects, none of the cute things that I do to make Ritz look good. If this Michelle Davis is so good, she's going to have to show it.”

Chas walked back into the studio.

“Okay, team, you guys ready for today?” he said.

“Yes, sir. Ready and professional as can be,” Aaron said, winking at Jamie. “So what did old Ruff want with you?”

“Nothing, just tying up some loose ends. Some programming stuff. So we have two guests booked for Ritz's fill-in. We might not get any callers, and I don't know if this lady knows
how to work the audience. She's never done radio, so Aaron, I need you to be on point. I will be here to direct traffic for her, but if it blows up, we need to have a Ritz interview in the can ready to go. How about the interview when Ritz gets Heather Jones to admit she has herpes? We haven't used that in any of the
Best ofs
, have we?”

“No, we didn't use that one,” Jamie jumped in. “And how about the interview with the pedophile who called up? I didn't use that one either. Ritz is up for an Edward R. Murrow Award for that.”

“That's great. Cool. Well, we're ready.”

“When is Ritz coming back?” Aaron asked.

“You miss her, huh, li'l fella?” Chas said teasingly. “I don't know. But I do know it will be soon. Miss Thing is about to bust at the seams, and I know they're about ready to kick her out of the hospital. Can you imagine her coming back from being shot and in a coma and being more fierce than ever? Ritz Harper is hell on wheels.”

“That's what I'm talking about,” Aaron said. “That's what I miss. That
fi-ya
!”

Jamie didn't say a word.

“What's going on with you, baby girl?” Chas asked Jamie.

“Nothing. Nothing at all.”

“How are you and that fine hunk of a man doing?”

“Oh, he'll be here right after the show to pick me up,” Jamie said. “We're doing well.”

“You are so lucky that he's completely straight, or I would
be trying,” said Chas, who wasn't “visibly” gay but certainly wasn't in the closet. “I ain't going to lie. I can see what he's packing under those clothes.”

“You can't even imagine,” Jamie said, pushing Chas playfully. “As a matter of fact, scratch that. I don't want you imagining. Take your dirty mind off my man.”

“No need to worry. I'm not the kind of man who likes to chase after a man who I know is straight. I don't need the ego boost if I can get him over to my side. That's a waste of time. And I don't have any to waste. Besides, there are plenty of sexy available men out there who want to be had.”

It was one thing for Chas to talk about Derek to Jamie. She didn't mind that at all. It was harmless. Jamie was used to women flirting with Derek. He had something about him that was so damn attractive. Jamie wasn't the jealous type. She never let a man get that close that he could make her jealous. She would just as soon walk away from a relationship than be played out. Derek made it easy being with him. He never even looked at another woman. He made her feel perfectly secure. He wasn't a dog. She knew he wasn't an angel, either. But at least he was real genuine and honest.

The only time she felt remotely uncomfortable was the last time Derek came up to the studio, when Ritz was overtly flirtatious with him. It wasn't Ritz's action, it was Derek's reaction to it. Ritz came over to him during the break and leaned across him to get a pen on the other side of his seat.

“Excuse me,” Ritz purred.

Derek didn't say a word. He nodded, and it looked like for a split second Ritz and Derek's eyes locked and Derek blushed. In all the time Jamie had known Derek, she had never seen him blush; she didn't think he was capable of it.

What the fuck is that nigga blushing about
? Jamie thought.

When they hooked up later that evening, she would find out.

“Welcome to the Ritz Harper Excursion. I am your hostess for the week, Michelle Davis. You may have seen me on Fox News, but now I'm on the radio, filling in for my girl, Ritz Harper. We hope she gets well and back on the air real soon. We're going to do something called Open Mic Monday, where you guys can call up and talk about anything on your mind. We can talk about the war in Iraq, this gully president of ours, the economy, and oh yeah, we can talk about some celebrities. I know quite a few, so we can dish the dirt if you want to. The number to call is 1-888-555-RITZ.”

Michelle Davis felt very comfortable, more comfortable than she thought she would. Radio was different from television. Television was so scripted. The producers told you what to say, how to say it, where to stand. There was hair, makeup, and clothing concerns. Everything was about projecting a
certain image of authority and perfection. Fox was one of the best at image shaping. They had created a star in Sean Hannity, a limited personality with an even more limited intellect. But they paid a superior person to sit with him each night and make him look good and give him credibility, and it had paid off. Hannity was a cash cow for the network.

Bill O'Reilly, another talking head who had severe limitations, was given a format that was perfect for his brash, no-nonsense style. He came off like a news version of John Wayne. People loved him. They were grooming Michelle to be a combination Oprah/Christiane Amanpour— serious journalist with a real-people feel.

Radio had never been on Michelle's radar. She was a rising star in a much bigger game. The starting salary in radio in a major market might be six figures, depending on the size of the station. In television, you could easily be looking at seven figures. Radio personality Glenn Beck jumped to television back in 2006 and saw a big seven-figure contract that called for hiring a couple of his radio producers, too. All of this for a one-hour show on an offshoot station. It wasn't even CNN, but their stepchild, Headline News.

Michelle Davis had the buzz. She was the next “It” girl. And now she was filling in for the most talked-about radio personality in the world— Ritz Harper. She was going to make the most of the opportunity. At the very least, she wasn't going to embarrass herself. And she was determined to have some fun.

“Okay, let's go to our first caller. Mike, you're calling from Detroit on our affiliate WCHB. What's on your mind today?”

“Hey, sexy. I love watching you on Fox, you fox!”

“Why, thank you, fine sir. But I know you didn't call just to say that.”

“No, you're right, but I had to get that out. So do you believe that Ritz got what was coming to her?”

“Ooooh. Well, what do you mean?”

“Do you think she had it coming? For all the reckless stuff she does on the air, do you believe that her shooting was just a matter of time?”

Michelle squirmed in her seat just a bit.

“Now, I don't believe that anyone has something like that coming,” she said. “My daddy taught me that people fight and hit and stuff when they can't think. So whoever shot Ritz is just dumb. But there is a larger issue to be discussed, and something I'm going to toss back to you, the audience— and thank you for your call, Mike [that was the cue for Aaron to hang up on the caller]— do you guys think we need to talk about people, put their business on Front Street? Do you guys really care about Britney Spears— is that front-page news? Or Christie Brinkley's husband? And why do we care about who's screwing whom? To tell you the truth, sometimes I just don't want to hear it.

“I mean, look at Whitney Houston and Bobby Brown. I read in the
Daily News
that they split up because Bobby has taken up with the Video Vixen, Karrine Steffans, also known as ‘Superhead.'

“All I can say is, Whitney, honey, you have pipes that are a gift from God. I know you will be back. And please don't
take that sorry-ass husband of yours back. Let the cut be clean and permanent. That's
your
prerogative, baby! We love you!”

The phone lines lit up. Ruff was listening from the office, and he liked what he heard. It was different—
very
different— from what the listeners of WHOT were used to hearing.