Isn't It Time (23 page)

I nodded silently and took a step forward, instinctively
seeking the comfort I had always found in his arms.

But he turned his back to me and walked out the door.

I stood there, in the exact same spot he had left me, for
several minutes, my head reeling and my heart breaking. I didn’t want to think
about this now. It was too much.  I couldn’t seem to put any kind of order to
the thoughts that were jumbling together inside my head, so I stopped trying.

I walked stiffly to the kitchen, covered the macaroni and
cheese with foil and put it in the refrigerator.  I walked through the house,
checking locks and closing blinds, aware, even if Jack seemed to have
forgotten, that there were still people out there who might try to hurt me.

I returned to the living room and my eyes were drawn to the
picture of Jack and me that was now hanging above my couch. God, I loved him so
much. Could we really always be that happy together?  I wanted to think so, and
yet…

Act like an adult. You have to make a decision.

Jack’s words replayed in my head and I knew he was right. I
couldn’t keep putting off thinking about things I didn’t want to deal with.
Putting off dealing with what Steve had done was what landed me in this
situation in the first place.  

I got my purse from the kitchen and pulled out my iPod.
Listening to my music, paying attention to lyrics, and tuning out everything
else sometimes helped me to sort things out. I knew that was probably a weird
way of going about the decision-making process, but sitting quietly, being
soothed by the music, had always had a way of untangling my mixed-up thoughts
and emotions.

I sat on the floor with my head tilted back against the
couch and closed my eyes. And then I just listened. I didn’t try to force any
thoughts; I waited for the music to speak to me.

Darkness fell across the room and still I sat there, smiling
to myself at the happy memories some of the songs evoked – memories of old
friends and good times; of my parents and growing up; and, especially, memories
of Jack.

I had been sitting there in the darkness for quite some time
and was drifting off to sleep when a lyric caught my attention.  I sat up
straight, restarted
Isn’t it Time
by The Babys, and listened carefully. 
It was an old song, a song that had grown on me because it was one of my
mother’s many favorites - and now it was fairly screaming at me.

I listened all the way through, then started it over and
listened again while my heart pounded. I had my answer:  Losing this love
really
would
be my mistake.

I stood up as quickly as my stiff legs would allow and
tossed the iPod onto the couch. Then I grabbed my purse and drove through the
rain to Jack’s house.

Using my key, I let myself in through the back door, removed
my wet shoes and dropped my purse on the kitchen counter.  The house was dark
and quiet and I assumed Jack had already gone to bed.

I moved silently and purposefully through the house, but
when I reached Jack’s bedroom my resolve faltered and I paused in the doorway. 
The light from the motion detector I had activated when I entered the back yard
was shining through the unclosed blinds, illuminating Jack, asleep in the
middle of his king-sized bed.

He was sprawled out on his stomach, facing away from me. The
blankets were pooled at his naked waist, exposing just the waistband of his
underwear, and he had both arms wrapped around his pillow.  I moved to the side
of the bed and stood there, biting my thumbnail and looking down at him.

As if sensing my presence, he suddenly rolled to his side
and looked up at me.

“Angie?” His earlier anger seemed forgotten as he sat up.
“What are you doing here, honey?  Are you okay?”

I hesitated in my response, knowing I had to tell him the
full truth, but wondering how best to begin.  The light from the motion
detector abruptly shut off and we were left in semi-darkness.  Jack reached out
to switch on his bedside lamp and I found my voice.

“Don’t,” I said.  “Leave the light off.”  Saying what I had
to say in darkness seemed easier and more appropriate.

He kicked off the blanket and started to get out of the
bed.  “Honey. Tell me what’s wrong.”

“Please don’t get up.”  He stopped moving, ran a hand
through his hair, and then settled himself up against the headboard.

“You’ve made a decision,” he stated quietly.

I pulled in a deep breath to steady myself, and nodded.
“Yes. The thing is, I do trust you, Jack, and I realize now I owe it to you –
to us - to tell you the whole truth. But this is something I’ve never told
anyone and it’s difficult for me to say.  So I really need you to try to
understand what I’m telling you and why. I need you to just listen until I’ve
said everything that I have to say. Okay?”

He nodded and said softly, “Okay, honey.”

I released another deep breath and then just blurted out the
words I had never even allowed myself to think. “When my relationship with
Steve ended, he raped me.”

Jack sucked in a breath and visibly flinched but stayed
silent, staring at me through widened eyes as I continued on.

“He forcibly held me down and he raped me. It was painful
and terrifying and humiliating and there wasn’t a thing I could do to stop it
from happening.  I was completely helpless.” I had to break the eye contact as
the memories hit me, so I paused and looked at the wall over Jack’s head for a
second before returning my eyes to his. Varying emotions, ranging from anger to
concern, were flickering over his face and I knew he was fighting his instincts
to get up and comfort me.

“And the worst part of all that, even more than all of the
pain and humiliation, was that feeling of being powerless against someone
stronger than me.  And afterwards, it scared me to think that pretty much any
man could just take control over my body whenever he felt like it, whether I
wanted it or not.  And that knowledge changed me and it changed how I looked at
men and intimacy and, especially, trust.”

Jack started to get up again. “Angie, I - ”

“No,” I said, stopping him with an upraised hand. “Please,
let me finish.”

His eyes locked to mine and he slowly sat back.

The next part suddenly seemed even harder to say than the
first.  My heart was hurting, knowing if we couldn’t work this out I might
never again be with Jack alone like this, just the two of us, as we had been so
many times in the past.  I blinked away tears and steeled myself to continue.

“But through all that – all the time I spent deliberately
staying away from men while I was trying to get myself together – there was
you.  You cared about me, you never tried to take what I didn’t want to give
and you loved me.  And, most importantly, I always knew you would never hurt
me. Without even knowing you were doing it, you helped me heal and I loved you
for it.”

I swallowed hard and beat back some more tears. “And what I
finally realized this week is that I’m in love with you and probably have been
for quite some time. But realizing that and being able to do something about it
are two very different things. I’m afraid it might be impossible for us to be
together.”

“Angie, nothing is impossible.” He pulled away from the
headboard and leaned forward, looking at me earnestly. “Tell me what you need.
Whatever it is, I’ll give it to you. Anything.”

“I wish it was that simple.” I took the few steps to the
bed, sat down on the edge and took hold of his hand, needing the physical
contact. His thumb moved back and forth across the back of my hand as he
listened. “If we were to be together, I would want you to be happy. And I would
want that more than anything else.  But I’m afraid that, in the end, you
wouldn’t be fully happy with me because I’ll never be able to give you what you
need.”

“You’re not making sense. I can’t think of a single thing
that I need that you wouldn’t be able to give me.”  His brow furrowed and his
hand on mine tightened as I saw realization hit his eyes. “Unless…honey, did he
damage you in some permanent way? Is this all because you can’t have children?
Because if that’s it, it’s okay. I want
you
and if we’re not meant to
have children together, I can live with that.”

God, he was such a sweet liar. Although he had completely
misinterpreted what I was trying to tell him, my heart swelled with even more
love for him. Having children someday was his biggest dream. He talked about it
a lot and looked forward to being a father more than any other man I had ever
known.

And I realized then that this situation could have been so
much worse than it actually was. If his feelings for me were so strong that he
would be willing to give up his dreams of fatherhood to be with me, then I had
renewed hope that the sexual situation, which I finally saw for the small thing
it was, could be worked out.

I raised a hand to his cheek and smiled softly. “No, Jack,
it’s not that at all. Any physical damage he caused was temporary. There’s no
reason I shouldn’t be able to have children. But I love that you would even say
you could live without it when I know better.”

I watched the relief flash across his face. “Then what is
it?  I promise you I will do everything I can to help you with whatever it is
you’re afraid of.”

I squeezed his hand and went for the crux of the matter. 
“Don’t you see? I cannot be restrained in any way.  That powerless feeling
freaks me right out. And eventually, you’d be unhappy when you found yourself
locked into a relationship with someone who could never be a submissive.”

Jack gasped and his eyes widened in horror.  Releasing my
hand, he rubbed both hands over his face, and muttered, “Oh, God.”  He looked
back up at me and asked, “That’s what all of this has been about?”

I nodded, confused by his response.

 “Jesus, I am such an asshole.”

“Jack?  What are you talking about?”

“Shit.” He took both of my hands in his and clasped them
tightly. “Now
I
have a secret to confess.  And when I tell you, I want
you to remember that you love me and the ability to forgive is a virtue.”

I eyed him suspiciously. “What did you do that I would need
to forgive?”

He looked at me with his face all screwed up into a flinch,
as if he was expecting to be punched. “I made it all up.”

“You made
what
up?” My eyes had narrowed so much they
were almost closed.

“That domination and submission thing. I’m not into that at
all. I got the idea from your books and I was just messing with you.”

My mouth dropped open and I honestly didn’t know whether to
laugh or cry.  Or punch him. “Are you telling me that we went through all of
this emotional crap because one day you just decided you felt like messing with
me?”

“Yes, and you have no idea how sorry I am about that.”  He
was talking fast now and held my hands a little tighter.  “I didn’t know what
you had been through, or I would have never done it. So, please, tell me you
forgive me.”

“My God,” I said viciously, yanking my hands from his. “You
really
are
an asshole.”

His face fell.  “Angie - ” he began, but I cut him off by
launching myself into his arms.

“But you’re
my
asshole,” I whispered into his ear.

And then we were both laughing in our relief, our arms tight
around each other as he rolled me across the bed until I ended up on top of
him. I sat up and straddled his waist and his hands came up to grasp my hips.

“You’re not mad?” he asked hopefully.

“Honestly, Jack, I’m just so relieved I can’t even be
bothered to be mad.  But you do deserve
this
.” And I punched his upper
arm. Hard.

“Ow.”  He released one hip and rubbed his arm. “You’re a
mean little thing.” 

“Yeah. And don’t forget it.”  He smiled and I touched his
naked chest for the first time ever, running my hand softly through the light
hair that covered it. “I love you so much, Jack.”

“I love you, too, baby,” he said, returning both hands to my
hips and giving them a squeeze.

“There’s just one more thing,” I said, circling my index
finger slowly around his nipple.

He shivered slightly at the contact. “And what’s that?”

“Did you mean it when you said if there was anything I
needed you would give it to me?”

“Absolutely. Name it.”

“Well, there’s only one thing I can think of that I really
need.”  I grabbed the bottom of my shirt, pulled it off over my head, and
tossed it behind me.

He drew in a deep breath and his nostrils flared a little as
he stared at the new lacy, pink bra. The look on his face made every dime I had
spent on the darn thing worth it. His eyes moved up to meet mine and a wicked
grin spread across his face. I grinned back and he curled up, bringing himself
to a sitting position, his face inches from mine.  “I thought you’d never ask,”
he whispered, wrapping his arms around my back and pulling me in tight.

And then he was kissing me. And this time when he kissed me,
I felt it.  I felt it in my head, where my brain was screaming “
Yes! Yes!
Yes!
”  I felt it in my heart, where the long-anticipated thunderbolt was
finally striking; I felt it travelling across my tingling skin; and I felt it
strongly at my core - a deep need, burning and building.

I might have thought making this transition in our
relationship would be strange or awkward, but there was none of that as we took
our time exploring each other’s bodies, testing responses with hands and lips
and tongues until there was very little left that remained a mystery between
us.

And when his body finally joined with mine, the fit so
perfect, I knew I was exactly where I was always meant to be. A heady feeling
of combined love and joy overwhelmed me - a feeling unlike anything I had ever
felt before. It was a feeling of absolute rightness, a strong emotional bond
merging with the physical to make it complete.

“Do you feel that?” he whispered, his darkened gaze burning
into mine.

“Yes,” I said on a shudder.

“Not
this
.” He pushed in and swirled. “
This
.”
He placed his hand over my heart.

“Yes, I feel it.”  I put my hand over his and squeezed.

“God, I love you,” he whispered with more passion than I had
ever heard him say anything. And then he was kissing me again as he slid his
hands up my arms, bringing them to the sides of my head until our fingers
connected and locked.  I held on like I’d never let him go and tightened my
calves across the back of his thighs.

Our bodies moved together in sync, as if we had done this
thousands of times before, adjusting the pace and intensity from slow glide to
fast pounding and back again until my body arched, my muscles all clenched
around him and we slid together into the first simultaneous orgasm I had ever
experienced.

We lay quietly in the dark for a few minutes while our
breathing settled, and the hard, heavy warmth of his body on mine felt so
perfect, I didn’t care if we never moved again.

 “I just don’t have words,” he said quietly into my neck.

“Well, that’s a first.” I smiled against his ear, untangled
my fingers from his and wrapped my arms around him.

“That’s a lot of firsts.”  He raised his head slightly and
pressed a kiss to my jaw.

“Yes.” I moved a hand to the back of his head, running my
fingers through his hair and kissed his temple.  I felt him slip out of me and
whimpered at the loss.

He smiled against my neck, then cleared his throat. 
“Speaking of firsts, I didn’t use a condom, honey. I’m sorry.”

“I noticed,” I said.

He pushed himself up on his forearms and looked down at me.
“Have you always used one in the past?”

“Always.”

“Me, too.  And frankly, it’s been awhile. I don’t even think
I’ve been with anyone since the last time I was tested.”

This surprised me.  It wasn’t something we ever discussed in
great detail, but I always assumed Jack had a fairly active sex life. “Really? That
surprises me.”

“It shouldn’t surprise you.” He smiled a sweet smile and
slid his hands into my hair, framing my face.  “I was waiting for you.”

My heart sighed as he kissed me softly. “And it was worth
the wait,” he added against my lips.

“It was a beautiful thing, wasn’t it?”  I wrapped my arms
around him again and brought his warmth back down on top of me, trailing my
fingernails lightly up and down his back.

“Beautiful would be the smallest word I could think of to
describe what that was.  I would start by calling it beautifully
life-altering.”