It Always Rains on Sundays (50 page)

‘Did I Cynthia, sorry to hear that – I was never the preener.'

‘Huh? – preen all you like, I don't blame you. Things aren't always what they seem. Something else too – I said I wouldn't tell you, he's got a pretty mean temper. I've found that out to my bitter cost.'

‘Oh noooooo, the worst. He's no Englishman that's for sure.'

‘He lies too – big whoppers. First time we met he promised me a ‘diamond as big as the Ritz' unquote. Liar, then it turns out what he really said is ‘By the way, I'm subject to fits.' Not quite the same thing, right – maybe you agree. What's your opinion?'

‘Well, guess not I guess.'

‘That's another thing, he broods quite a lot too. He still misses the prairie.'

‘Aw – brooders, are the pits if you ask me. That's really terrible.'

‘Homesick I guess. He stares a lot too, mostly on hilltops. It's the quarter Cherokee Indian kicking in I expect. He likes to be alone, it's really strange – I wish.'

‘Don't say – odd to say the least.'

‘Tell me – it's a true story. That's another thing, he lights fires out of doors quite a lot too, he's a real menace. You should see my insurance premium, it's as high as the sky.'

‘Golly.'

‘Good word. Let's face it I was blinded by passion, a stranger in a strange land, peopled by people with strange ways. They drive on the wrong side of the street too – how strange is that?'

‘Well, now you mention it – I agree, it does seem rather odd. No, you were right. I should've listened to my husband's sound reasoning.'

‘Hold in there Cyn, he isn't a bad man. Well, some maybe.'

‘Sometimes he gets a little tetchy with the kids too I'm afraid.'

‘Oh God – not my children too.'

‘Lord knows children do need a father figure.'

‘The man's a perfect bounder in no mistake – what next.'

‘Don't worry – nothing really big.'

‘What a crumb.'

‘They have to learn. Mind you, puncturing his football like that – somebodies guilty – balls are very important to some people. What's a couple of nights cowering under the porch anyway. You've said it yourself, adversity builds strength of character, am I right. This is the trouble, he has such a fiery temper. I should've known, red-hair I'm meaning – maybe you've noticed.'

‘Really? – now you mention it.'

‘Temper did I say, even the smallest little thing. Anything at all, last time it was thin custard. Something so trivial – we had this almighty big row, hard to imagine right. You used to love my custard didn't you Colin?'

‘Uh huh – I'll say. I've never had any reason to complain that's for sure. Sure, I miss it a lot.'

‘Right. Oh, thank you. Unbelievable. “How can you make it thinner than milk?” What kind of a crack is that?'

‘Listen, do you want me to make a couple of phone calls – just say the word.'

‘Thank you, I'll bear that in mind. It's me I know. I've only myself to blame. God knows I'm not the first foolish woman to be taken in by rugged good looks and a dimpled chin and a dim personality – dim did I say. His charisma shines out like a cod on a slab.'

‘Look, I don't want to gloat, but – ‘

‘Gloat all you want. You're right I should've stayed home, baking custard pies.'

‘Holiday romances I'm meaning – it's a well-known fact.'

‘Romance? Heh, heh, heh, heh, heh.'

‘Love conquers all, or so they say.'

‘They lied through their teeth.'

‘There's good and bad in all of us.'

‘You're a born philosopher in no mistake. He wears heels too – did
you
know that?'

‘Well, I had wondered, his height does seem to vary somewhat.'

‘Mind you that's hurricanes I suppose, weird weather,
weird people, right. That's what comes with meeting total strangers in broom-closets I guess. What else can you expect?'

‘It pains me to see you like this.'

‘Maybe if I'd've met him in cold light of day – who knows.'

‘Que serra serra?'

‘Pardon me? That's another thing too, his nose is too big by a mile. Christ, don't tell me you missed that too? Sleeps in his hat, did I say?'

‘Gosh, you mean – he wears a wig?'

‘Why be surprised – sure what else. Just don't ask me about colour, okay.'

‘Bright, right.'

‘Tell me. Red on red, it's his own secret formula – it's the end of a batch. He'll take it to his grave. I'm surprised you noticed, heh heh – ‘

‘Hey, wait a sec, he dived into the pool – I saw him myself.'

‘Did you see him come up?'

‘Don't say.'

‘Don't worry it surprised me too. Same goes for his cute ambling walk. Only time in his whole life he gets up on a horse, it dumps him right on his arse. Idaho State Fair, you stick money into a machine, five dollars. Take my word – the only way he can make it work is walk with one foot in the gutter.'

‘I just thought he liked traffic.'

‘Some effing cowboy, right.'

‘Steady on – you'll hate yourself tomorrow.'

‘Don't waste your sympathy – the guy's a total wreck. We'd've won the title, Line-dancing championship of the whole rotten North-West regional final, but for him, the man's half-plastic.'

‘Aw. Too bad – so close eh?'

‘Look, I have to go, Kevin's yelling for quiet. This is what I'm up against, if he doesn't get his full quota of sleep he's as cranky as hell. He's as mean as a bear with its head in a hive, fourteen hours or else.'

‘Somehow, I can't help blaming myself.'

‘Don't be a mutt, exonerate yourself completely – you are without one shred of guilt, okay.'

‘No, it's me, I'm a total bounder. I should've been there by your side.'

‘Aw the heck. You win some you lose some. Then, on top of everything else he wants grits every morning, beat that. How can you respect somebody who's gulping down fizzing wall-paper paste. You never touch the stuff, am I right? Is that assumption correct?'

‘Well, no. somehow or other it's never appealed.'

‘Good man, course not. Tell your friends, pass it around. Nobody needs the flatulence either and that's a fact.'

‘Cyn? Cynthia? Are you still there? (
God you're attractive. I only hope that you are truly appreciated that's all
).' ‘Where else would I go?' ‘Listen, about the Mondeo, maybe I'll just go for a Mercedes 350 SL instead, y'know.'

‘Oh sure – which bank did you rob?'

‘No problem – I'll trade in my on-street parking permit, heh heh.'

‘Heh, heh, always the joker. Truly Colin Quirke you
are a real scream in no mistake. Unfortunately, Kevvy's a tad lacking in the humour department. Okay, he does laugh occasionally – he hides under the stairs, rocking away in the darkness, sniggering, muttering to himself. That does worry me some I have to admit – it also frightens the kids. Luckily we don't get that many thunderstorms right now.'

‘Aw, that's terrible. I'm stunned. I wish you hadn't told me.'

‘Don't worry, we know now to cover up the windows before the new moon.'

‘Good move, try turning the mirrors – loonies really hate that.'

‘You think? Good idea – I'm just about at my wits-end.'

‘Do it – don't forget to hide the scissors.'

‘Maybe I will, thank you. You're a star in no mistake'

‘Listen. I've a better idea, why not shoot the bastard in the head and have done with it, heh, heh, heh, heh – ‘

-‘Heh, heh – I wish. You're a bold one in no mistake. Thanks all the same.'

‘De nada.'

‘Sorry? Pardon me?'

‘Don't mention it, it's Spanish – or, so I'm informed at least.'

‘Oh right. How lovely – nice one.'

‘Listen. It's been really nice talking to you in a civilised manner for a change.'

‘Uh huh – I'll say. Me too, times a hundred – DE NADA.'

‘Sorry? Pardon me? Oh right. Listen, odd times I still
drive around the old neighbourhood. Thought I'd tell you.'

‘Uh huh, yes I know. Sometimes I see you, kind've cruising around past the house – usually it's pretty late, right. Two am. Four am, then around six, have I got that right? I could set my watch.'

‘It all depends – it kind've varies.'

‘Next time I'll remember to give you a wave.'

‘Cheers – nice one. Listen, don't always count on the four am, okay. Sometimes I change my routine. What happens is sometimes I get really hungry. I call in at the all night McDonalds over at the services. Most times I usually end up having a Big Mac and mozzarella cheese with a side order of double French-fries. Like I said it all depends.'

‘Heh, heh. You and you mozzarella cheese – you're a positive menace.'

‘I drink lots of black coffee, it helps keep me awake.'

‘Nights can get pretty cold, be sure to wrap up, you hear?'

‘Don't worry I will.'

‘You're a decent fellow, I realise that now.'

‘Gosh, really? Hey thanks. Look, is it …? Cyn, I've been meaning to ask – is it? Is there still hope for us?'

‘Good question – who knows. However, sometimes in my deepest despair, don't think my eyes haven't lingered on the phone, I have to admit.'

‘Wow. Really?'

‘Uh huh. Why would I lie. Two beeps, I'd've been a goner for sure.'

‘Jeepers, so close eh …
(God you're attractive, I only hope
that you are truly appreciated that's all)
. Remember Cynthia, “Where lives love lives – ”'

‘Hold it. Hold it a sec! Kevvy's yelling for a channel change on TV, the lazy dog. QUIET YOU REDHEADED MORON – I'm on the friggin phone, okay. Anyway, you were saying – sorry about that.'

‘… Cynthia, there's still time. We are as one, you and I, together. Orpheus and Eurydice, forever … “Till all the seas gang dry m'dear and rocks melt with the sun.” ‘

‘Gang? Sorry, you lost me – what's a gang?'

‘Somehow, I can't accept that it's all over between us – not after all this time. It has to mean something.'

‘Believe me, I'm doing you a favour – one day you'll thank me.'

‘Cynthia, it's never too late. Oh God, you mean we'll never ever, ever “Gather lilac in the spring again?” Not ever? Or “Walk together down an English lane”?'

‘Everything's changed – things are different now. The world needs more poets, it'd be a happier place. You're teetering on the brink of fame and fortune – doors will start to open all over Europe. Even the American's, who knows.'

‘Pah – who cares. What's poetry anyway?'

‘You'd do that for me – give it up you mean?'

‘Um, sure … I think so. Do I have to?'

‘Let's face it, I'm a trueborn nagger. So was my mother, it's in the blood. There was talk in the village of stringing her up – here's your chance. I'd start running if I was you. One thing for sure. I turned away a fine, good man, and that's the truth.'

‘Listen, we could make a fresh start – together we
could do anything … hand in hand, “Climb every mountain. Ford every stream” – why not for Pete's sake?'

‘Oh, you old romancer you.'

‘What's to stop us? Look towards the future. Fold up our tents – upsticks simple as that, out little family united at last.'

‘Simple he says, heh, heh, heh, heh – ‘

‘You little fool – why not? Where's the problem?'

‘No problem he says – what about schools for one thing. Not to mention spending good money on school uniforms and whatnot.'

‘It's me, my heart rules my head – you're right.'

‘Moving schools is a pretty big thing, for one thing it'd shoot down all the rotas to hell – you want the whole list. What about Lucy, she's just starting to fit in – mixing is really important to kids.'

‘Um – it's a real toughy. Maybe you're right.'

‘However, I can report
some
good news at least. Lucy has finally made a friend, at long last. Helen Troy. I thought I'd told you, the red-haired girl with the leg-brace I'm meaning.'

‘Wow. I know how she worries, I'm thrilled to hear that.'

‘Uh huh. Me too, they're inseparable. Helen Troy's a bit quiet too. Nobody speaks to her either, poor kid. Okay, maybe she is a bit geeky – so what. Mind you, that limp doesn't help any. Unfortunately, she suffers from spasmodic asthma attacks too, that's another thing they have in common. They make a good team I think.'

‘Good for Helen Troy I say.'

‘Uh huh. Hey, and hear this father, they were both over-heard doing syllables together out in the corridor, how about that?'

‘How about that, syllables eh – well, I'll be.'

‘Who knows, next thing you know she'll be outside in the playground, without an armband, playing with the other kids.'

‘Wonderful, that's really amazing.'

‘Maybe you can see the hot potato you've handed me. Nothing's that simple. That's not counting my promotion at work.'

‘Promotion? Jumping Jupiter, what next – you too eh.'

‘Uh huh. Section Manager, that's what I'm hoping. This time I think it's serious – put it this way. Three days in a row the liftman actually waited for me until I got inside the lift – they know everything. He even admired my shoes. Well, hopefully – I can hardly wait.'

‘Wow – finally huh.'

‘Uh huh. All the signs are there for sure. All of a sudden my immediate boss, ‘Stoker the groper,' he's stopped sliding his hands over my hips every chance he gets. That's what we call him – remember, I told you about him. So, what does that tell you?'