It Starts With Us (It Ends with Us #2) (17 page)

I immediately shake my head. “You can’t compare our situations, Mom. I had a lot of support that enabled me to make the choice I made. You had no one.”

She gives me a sad, appreciative smile. Then she leans back and kicks at the ground to give herself a little shove. “Whoever he is, he’s a lucky guy.” She glances over at me. “Who is he?”

I laugh. “No, you don’t. I’m not talking about him to you until he’s a for-sure thing.”

“He already is a for-sure thing,” she says. “I can see it in your smile.”

We both look up at the same time when it starts
sprinkling. I tuck Emmy under my chin and we begin to head back toward the parking lot. My mother kisses Emmy before I put her in the car seat. “I love you. Gamma loves you, Emmy.”

“Gamma?” I ask. “Last week it was Nannie.”

“I still haven’t settled on one yet.” My mother kisses me on the cheek and then rushes to her car.

I climb into my car right when the bottom falls out of the sky. Huge drops of rain assault the windshield, the pavement, the hood of my car. They’re so fat, they sound like acorns hitting my car.

I sit for a moment, waiting to figure out where I’m going before I start the car. I don’t want to go home yet because Ryle might show back up. I definitely don’t want to go to Allysa’s because I’ll absolutely run into him in the apartment building where he lives.

I feel very protective of Emmy right now because Ryle has every right on paper to show up and take her from me for the day, but I’m not allowing my daughter around him on a day I know his fuse is nonexistent.

I look in my rearview mirror, and Emmy is just sitting peacefully, looking out the window at the rain. She has no idea the kind of chaos that surrounds her existence, because to her,
I’m
her entire existence. Every ounce of her trust is in me. She depends on me for everything, and she’s just sitting there happy and comfortable, as if I have it all under control.

I don’t feel like I have it under control, but the fact that she assumes I do is good enough for me. “Where do we go today, Emmy?”

“What time did you get home last night?” Josh asks. He’s shuffling into the kitchen wearing two different socks: one of them a new one I bought him and one of them mine. Theo and Josh were asleep when I got home, but I still woke up three hours before they did. Brad just left with Theo about twenty minutes ago.

“That’s none of your business.” I point at the table, where Josh’s homework sits unfinished. He promised he would do it yesterday if I let Theo spend the night, but I have a feeling the video games and manga and anime got in the way. “You didn’t do your homework?”

Josh looks at the pile of papers and then back at me. “No.”

“Get to it.” I say that with confidence, but I have no idea how to do this. I’ve never had to tell a kid to do homework before. I don’t even know how to ground him if he
doesn’t
do his homework. I feel like I’m acting. I am. I’m an imposter.

“I’m not avoiding it,” Josh says. “I just can’t do it.”

“Is it too hard? What is it, math?”

“No, I did the math. Math is easy. It’s this stupid shit I have to do for computer class.”

“Stupid
crap
,” I say, correcting him.
I think.
Maybe “stupid crap” is just as bad. I sit down next to Josh to see what it
is he’s having trouble with. He slides the assignment in front of me, and I look over it.

It’s a research assignment about ancestry. There are five things required for the term, and one of them is a family tree that was due on Friday. The other is a generational assignment using an ancestry website that’s due next Friday.

“We’re supposed to find our relatives using some website. I don’t know any of their names or even where to start,” he says. “Do you?”

I shake my head. “Not really. I met Sutton’s father once, but he died when I was a kid. I don’t even remember his name.”

“What about my dad’s parents?” Josh asks.

“I don’t know anything about his family, either.”

Josh takes the papers from me. “They really should stop having kids do these things; no one has normal families anymore.”

“You’re right, actually.” I hear a text ping on my phone in the kitchen, so I stand up to go check it.

“Did you ever try to find my dad for me?” Josh asks.

I did try, but Tim never responded to the voice mail I left him. I just don’t want to tell Josh that because I know it’ll be disappointing. I pick up my phone but walk back to Josh before looking at my texts. “I haven’t had a chance to really look into it yet. You sure you want me to?”

Josh nods. “He might want to hear from me. I’m sure Sutton has done everything she can to keep us apart.”

I feel a stab of concern in the center of my chest. I was hoping Josh would be comfortable enough here to not want to find his dad, but that was a ridiculous hope. He’s a twelve-year-old boy. Of course he wants to find his father.

“I’ll help you try to find him.” I point to the papers. “But do what you can with that for now. As long as you try, they can’t give you a bad grade for not knowing your grandparents.”

Josh leans over his work, and I finally look down at the text. It’s from Lily.

Can I call you?

She should know she can call me any second of the day, and I would answer. I take my phone to my room and call her without texting her back. She picks up in the middle of the first ring.

“Hey,” she says.

“Hi.”

“What are you doing?”

“Helping Josh with his homework. Trying to pretend I’m not thinking about you.” She’s quiet after I say that, and I immediately sense something is off. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah, I just. I don’t want to go home. I was wondering if I could come to your place?”

“Sure. Is Emmy still with your mom?”

She sighs. “That’s the thing. I have her with me. I know that’s weird, but I’ll explain when I get there.”

If she’s bringing Emerson to my house, something is definitely off. She’s been adamant she didn’t want to bring her around me before Ryle knew about us. “I’ll text you my address.”

“Thank you. I’ll be there in a little while.” She ends the call, and I fall back onto my mattress wondering what in the hell happened in the time between slipping out of her bed last night and this phone call.

Did she get my letter? Did I say something wrong?

Is she about to break things off with me?

All those concerns swirl in my gut as I wait for her, but my biggest concern is one I don’t even want to allow my mind to entertain.
Did Ryle hurt her?

I’m watching for them when she pulls into my driveway, so I meet her outside. I can immediately tell something is wrong when she gets out of the car. But I don’t think it’s related to me because she seems relieved to see me. I pull her in for a hug because she looks like she needs one. “What happened?”

She places her hands on my chest and pulls back to look up at me. She seems hesitant to say anything. She glances into the back window to check on her daughter, who is asleep in the car seat.

Then Lily just starts to cry. She drops her face against my chest and sobs into my shirt, and it’s the most heartbreaking thing. I press my lips into her hair and give her a moment.

She doesn’t need long. She composes herself fairly quickly and then wipes at her eyes. “I’m sorry,” she says. “I’ve been holding that in all morning since Ryle left.”

The mention of his name makes my spine stiffen. I knew this had to do with him.

“He knows about us,” she says.

“What happened?” It’s taking everything in me to stand where I am and not run to find him. My bones feel as if they’re crackling with anger. “Are you hurt?”

“No. But he’s really upset, and I don’t want to be home alone right now. I know I shouldn’t be bringing Emmy around you yet, but I feel safer with her here than if Ryle
tried to show up and take her today. I’m sorry, I just don’t want to be anywhere he might find me.”

I tilt her chin up until she’s looking at me. “I’m happy you’re here.
Both
of you. Stay the whole day if you want.”

She exhales and presses her lips against mine. “Thank you.” She moves to the back door to grab her daughter out of her car seat. Emerson doesn’t even wake up. She’s limp in Lily’s arms, passed out. “She’s been at the park for an hour; she’s exhausted.”

I stare at Emerson in wonder, still amazed by how much she looks like Lily. She’s the spitting image of her mother, and I’m not at all upset that she looks nothing like her father. “Do you need me to grab anything?”

“Her diaper bag is in the passenger seat.”

I grab it, and we make our way into the house. Josh looks over his shoulder when he hears me walk inside. Lily waves at him, and he nods his head, but then when he notices Emerson, he turns completely around in his chair.

“That’s a baby,” he says.

“It is,” Lily replies. “Her name is Emerson.”

Josh looks at me. “Is it yours?” He uses the Sharpie in his hand to point at Emerson. “Is that my niece?”

Lily laughs uncomfortably.

I probably should have warned Josh before they showed up. “No, I am not a dad, and you are not an uncle.”

Josh stares at us for a minute, then shrugs and says, “Okay.” He turns around and gives his attention back to his homework.

“Sorry about that,” I say quietly. I set Emerson’s diaper bag near the couch. “Want me to get a blanket for her?”

Lily nods, so I grab a thick quilt from the hallway closet and lay it on the floor next to the couch. I double it over to give it more cushion, and she places Emerson on it. Emerson sleeps through the entire transfer.

“Don’t let her fool you—she’s a very light sleeper.” Lily kicks off her shoes and sits on the couch, pulling her feet beneath her. I sit down next to her, hoping she feels like talking about what happened, because I need to know why she’s scared.

Josh can’t see us from the dining room, so I give Lily a quick kiss. I doubt he can hear us from where he is, but I whisper anyway. “What happened?”

She sighs with her entire body and leans against the couch, facing me. “He showed up to get Emmy, and I wasn’t expecting him. He saw our wineglasses. My clothes. He put two and two together, and he had the exact reaction I was afraid he would have.”

“What reaction was that?”

“He got angry. But he left before it got too bad.”

Too
bad? What does that even mean?
“Does he know it was me who was there?”

Lily nods. “That’s practically the first thing he asked. He got angry, and I asked him to leave. And he did… but…”

She stops talking, and for the first time, I notice her hand is trembling. God, I hate him so much. I pull her to me so that her cheek is pressed against my chest and I hold her. “What did he do that scared you, Lily?”

Her palm is pressed right over my heart. She whispers, “He pushed me against the door, and he got close to my face, and I thought he was going to hit me or… I don’t know. He
didn’t, though.” She must feel my heart hammering twice as fast against my chest now, because she lifts her head and looks at me. “I’m fine, Atlas. I promise. Nothing happened after that; it’s just been a long time since I’ve seen him that angry.”

“He pushed you against the door. That’s not nothing.”

Her eyes flick away, and she lays her head back on my chest. “I know. I
know
. I just don’t know what to do about it. I don’t know what to do about Emmy. I was actually getting close to letting him have an overnight with her, and now I don’t even want him to have unsupervised visits.”

“He doesn’t deserve unsupervised visits. You need to take him back to court.”

Lily sighs, and I can tell this is probably the part of her life that causes her the most stress. I can’t imagine what it must be like for her to watch him drive off with her little girl in his car, knowing what he’s capable of. I’m glad she came here today. I know it’s important to her that she waited to bring Emmy around me, but she made the right decision. Ryle might show back up to apologize and get Emmy, and he’ll find her at all her usual places.

He won’t find her here. Besides, Lily and I know this thing that’s been brewing between us is absolutely a long-term situation. She doesn’t have to worry about me forming an attachment to Emmy and then disappearing. As long as Lily wants me around, I’m not going anywhere.

She lifts her face to look at me again, and there’s a smudge of mascara near her temple. I wipe it away. “This conflict with him,” she says. “This is what I tried to warn you about. It could be a constant thing, especially now that he knows you’re back in my life.”

She’s saying this like she’s giving me the opportunity to bow out of this thing with her. I can’t believe she assumes that’s even crossing my mind. “You could have fifty ex-husbands who try to make our lives hell, but as long as I have you, I will be absolutely unaffected by anyone else’s negativity. That’s a promise.”

That makes her smile for the first time since she showed up here. I don’t want to do or say anything that could steal that smile, so I change the subject away from her weak-ass ex-husband.

“Are you thirsty?”

She pushes off my chest and grins even bigger. “Yes. I’m thirsty
and
I’m hungry. Why else would I show up at a chef’s house?”

Lily and Emerson have been here for about four hours now. Once Josh did as much of his homework as he could, he started playing with Emerson. Lily said she’s been taking steps for a few weeks now, and Josh finds it hilarious that she follows him everywhere. He moved around for an hour while she stumbled after him, but now she’s asleep again. She fell asleep on the floor next to me with her head on my leg. Lily offered to move her, but I wouldn’t let her.

I would be lying if I said this wasn’t a little surreal. Deep down, I know that Lily and I are going to work out. She’s my person, and I am hers, and that’s something I’ve known since the first week we met. But looking at Emerson, knowing this child is likely going to end up becoming a huge part of my life—that’s a lot to take in. I could be her stepfather
someday. I’ll likely be more of an influence in her life than her biological father, because Lily and I will eventually move in together. We’ll likely marry someday.

I’d never admit any of this out loud because people like Theo would say I’m getting ahead of myself, but the truth is, I’m years behind where I want to be with Lily. Where I could have been with her.

This is a hugely significant day, even if I don’t see Emerson again for months. This could be the first day I’m spending with someone who might one day end up becoming my daughter.

I brush thin strands of strawberry hair behind Emerson’s ear and try to understand where some of Ryle’s anger is coming from. He can’t be clueless to what Lily moving on would mean for his relationship with Emerson. Lily has Emerson the majority of the time, so whoever Lily chooses to bring into her life will also be around Emerson that same amount of time.

I’m not excusing Ryle’s behavior by any means. If I had my way, he’d get a job offer in Sudan, and we’d only have to deal with him once a year.

But that’s not the reality here. Ryle lives in the same city as his daughter, and his ex-wife is moving on with someone else. That can’t be easy on anyone. While I can understand how difficult it probably is for him, I’ll never understand his failure to recognize that it’s no one’s fault but his own. If he would have been a more mature, more rational man, Lily never would have left him. He’d have his wife and his daughter, and me and Lily wouldn’t even be in contact.

I’m worried for Lily. I’m worried Ryle is a little bit like
my mother, and that he’s going to retaliate by fighting for the sake of fighting, and for no other reason.

“Have you ever made a report against Ryle?” I ask, looking at Lily. She’s sitting on the floor next to me, watching Emerson sleep on my leg.

“No.” There’s a drop of shame in Lily’s response.

“Do the two of you have a custody agreement?”

She nods. “I have full custody, but it comes with stipulations. Because of his schedule, I’m required to be flexible, but technically he gets her two days a week.”

“He pays child support?”