It Wasn't Love at First Shalini and I (15 page)

“Nothing. It’s just that ‘right person’ is so typically you. Everything
has to be perfect, doesn’t it? Good college, good job, good girl.”
“So what is wrong in that?”

“I am not saying there is anything wrong. How about selecting
something which is not right for once in life, and then seeing what
happens after that?”

“You are weird. I like things the way they are.”
“Ok then. So the search for the right girl continues is it?”

“At times yes, at times no. I don’t know. Maybe, I have left it to
destiny like you have left so many things to it.”

 

I looked down. I was lying, and I did not want her to catch hold
of me. I tried to change the topic.

“Life has been pretty much similar to the last time we met. It’s
just that the job is different, the money is more, but the routine is
pretty much the same.”

“That’s not good is it? That in the last six years, your life has not
changed one bit.”

 

“I have gained a few kgs.”

“Okay, it’s sad that there has been no positive change in your life
in the last six years. And I bet you are going to the gym to lose
them.”

“How did you know? Does it show?” I flexed my muscles to check
if it did actually show.

“No you idiot- it does not show
at all
. I knew that you goto a
gym because you don’t like change. Even if you gain weight, you will
like to get back to the stage you were in before.”

“Now that you put it that way, it is quite boring. You tell me,
what interesting things have you been upto.”

“Well, the last time we met, I was in a real low stage in life. But
after meeting you, I don’t know how, but things changed. It’s not
that you did wonders or anything, it’s just that, I started feeling better
again. The confidence was back. When we saw each other at London,
that time, I was headed to Paris for an interview. I had this call from
a University to study art but I always doubted myself that I would
fail the interview as I knew nothing about the French or their tastes.
But after we met, I called the university and arranged an interview
and guess what?”

“You got through.”

“No, I did not. They rejected me. A simple and straight rejection.
But it just didn’t matter to me anymore. I did not care. I knew I was
destined for better things in the field I loved so much.”

“And that is music.”

“Yes, and that is music. So I came back to the US and just started
singing. I would sing at subway stations, I would sing at small
gatherings, I would open for unknown bands, but I would sing. And
that was what made me happy.”

“So you became famous or something?”

“No, not overnight. I told you right. I started off in subways and
parties. But I soon had a whole group of people who liked my singing.
It just picked from there.”

“So why the name change?”

 

“So that you could not find me. I wanted destiny to make us
meet.”

She just said that. Said that with such a straight face, not knowing,
or not wanting to know, what affect that line had on me. She had
changed her name because of me. She had changed her identity so
that I could not find her. I was confused. What was this? Why was
she so scared if I found out where she was? Was she scared that I
would follow her, or was she scared that she was not as strong as she
thought she was.

“So I changed my name. And kept it a Shaila. Close enough to a
Shalini, but far away from a girl who had lost it all.”

 

“Shalini. But ..”

“You know what, it really feels good to hear that name. More so
because you are saying it. Over the years I have kind of lost Shalini. I
don’t know if it is a good thing or bad. I used to be scared and
vulnerable, but I had an identity. This new Shaila is kind of a mystery.”

“Everything you do is a mystery. Changing your name just like
that. That is plain weird.”

“I know it is. That is what makes it fun. And I think the name
changing is what started the transformation as well. From an under
confident Shalini who had lost everything she ever had, to a passionate,
fiery, ambitious Shaila, who was willing to do whatever it takes to
feed her passion, music.”

I did not ask her what ‘whatever it takes’ implied. I feared the
worst, so I just let it hang there as we completed one more round
around a huge office building which apparently had parking space
for around 2000 cars. Delhi had tried to develop a Manhattan, but
in doing so, they had forgotten one small little detail, public transport.
Everyone who had to come to office had to drive. The authorities
were now looking back at the problem and were trying to build a
metro monorail within Gurgaon which had so far only led to more
chaos on the roads. I tried to clear my mind and change the question.

“So are you liking India?”

“That’s actually a funny question. This is the country where I have
spent a major part of my life, in fact, where I had thought I would
spend the whole of my life. I thought I would love it. I thought
there would be a
Swades
movie type of feel when I get off the plane
and I smell the air of Delhi. But honestly, it was just the same. I had
thought that there would be people waiting for me in India. The last
time when I was at the airport, I was leaving India. There were too
many things occupying my mind back then, but this time, I thought
it would be special. I thought it would be grand.”

“And was it special, was it grand?”

 

“I don’t know about grand, but meeting you certainly has made it
special.” She smiled at me.

I knew she meant what she had just said. It made me feel good.
When I used to think about Shalini in the last six years, and which
was many times, I used to think that I would hit her if she came in
front of me. The feeling of hatred was so strong that I was actually
willing to hit a girl. But I guess, that was because I had tried to
convince myself all these years that I did not care for her. That it did
not matter to me that she had left me when I needed her. Yes, that
was one thing that she did not realise, at the time we last met, not
only did she need me, in fact, I needed her more. I also realised that
the feeling of hatred for her had emanated from something else,
something which could not make me forget her even though we had
only met 3 times before. Was it love? I was not sure. Was it love with
Kriti? I was not sure of that either. But one thing I did know for sure
was that sitting there, with her, I could be myself without any pretence
in the world. And that was a good feeling.

“You know I really hated you for leaving me like that.”
“You did?”

“Yes, I hated you for the last six years. I did not know how I
would react on seeing you but I was pretty sure it would be violent.
But when I saw you today, all the hatred vanished. I don’t know
why.”

She left that hanging in the air and we stalled our walk and sat on
a bench in front of the building. Hand in hand, just looking at the
offices in front of us. Looking at them, but not seeing them.
“So you always knew that you would see me.”

“What?”

“You always knew that you would see me. I mean, you wanted to
vent out your anger when you saw me right? So that means that you
were pretty sure you would see me.”

“I was pretty sure I wanted to see you. What about you? Did you
think we would meet again?”

 

“I did not think, I knew.”

 

We continued looking ahead, hand in hand. I did not want to
look at her eyes at that moment, for Kriti’s sake.

 

“So are you like a very big star in US?”

 

“Not as big as a Lady Gaga or a Britney Spears, mainly because I
prefer my pants on than off, but yeah, decently big.”

 

“How big is decently big?”

“If you listen to my agent, he says that I will be signed on by a
Cola major to endorse their drink one day, but as of now, if you are
a music lover in the US, you would know me.”

“I don’t really get how big is that, but I assume big enough.”
“Haven’t you visited US anytime after that?”

“No, I left software and computers after MBA and that is the field
in which you really end up in US. Right now I am involved in
operations and strategy for an Indian product, so I stay here.”
“If I could fake attention, I would ask you more about your work.
But I really can’t. It seems pretty boring.”

“Come on. It’s not that boring.”
“Can you say that out loud?”
I got up and stood on the bench.

“Yes I can shout it out.” I shouted out loud, but I shouted
something else

 

“Why did you never get back in touch?”

 

I looked at her with all seriousness in my eyes. She pointed me to
sit down. I did as I was told. I tried taking her hand again.
“You have lost all privileges to my hand with that stupidity.”

She smiled, the smile which reached her eyes. Then she put her
head on my shoulder and just lay there for a couple of minutes. And
then

“I am sorry. I was only thinking about me. At that time, I was not
in a position to think about anyone else. I know I should have. I am
sorry. At that time, I needed you more than you needed me. And I
was not ready for that.”

We sat there for the next fifteen minutes, saying nothing, the
moment getting the better of us. Me trying to figure what her last
words meant-
I needed you more than you needed me.

Then she got up. And started walking again. I followed.
“Will you sing for me again?”
“No.”
“But why?”

“I sang for you when I had practically stopped singing for the
world. That is special. Let it be. I don’t want to spoil it.”

“I have no answer to that.”
I made a sad face.

“Okay, now don’t look so distraught. What can I do to make you
feel better? Mmmm. Okay, I will talk about your work. So where
do you work? In one of these buildings is it?”

“No, my office is close by but not over here.”
“You like your work?”
“It pays my bills. I guess that is how much I like it.”
“Am sorry, I can’t ask you anything more about your work.”
I smiled. “As if your work is really interesting.”

She raised her eyebrows. “I travel all around the world, meeting all
sorts of new people, seeing all sorts of new things, doing what I love
to and what I do the best- that is singing. What can be more
interesting?”

“Projecting how much your product will sell in the next quarter.
And then multiplying it by 2 to show your seniors that you have a
grand vision and being happy for two and a half months in the quarter
and taking shit in the last fifteen days. That doesn’t sound that bad
does it?”

She gave me a disgusted look “Do you even want me to answer
that?”

“Not really.”
“Thought so.”
“So how are your parents?”

“They are good. They are still in the same little town. I have asked
them a million times to shift in with me, but they say they can’t start
their lives all over again.”

“Get them.”
I saw a tinge of remorse in her eyes.

“If I could have convinced my mom to come with me to the US,
maybe she would have been alive today, and maybe, I would have
had a family.”

“I have tried.”
“Try harder.”
“So you have no family in India now?”
“No, my parents had no siblings. And my grandparents are also

no more. So it is pretty much me alone in this world right now.
There are some distant cousins, but we don’t even exchange Christmas
cards.”

“In India, it’s Diwali greetings.”
“What?”
“In India the phrase is not ‘Christmas cards’, its ‘Diwali greetings’.”

“Yeah whatever. I want to eat aaloo paranthas. Can you take me to
someplace where we can get those?”

“Yeah whatever.”
“Shut up. You can so not pull off a ‘yeah whatever.’”
“I so can.”
“Can’t.”
“Do you want aaloo paranthas?”

“Yeah, whatever. See, that’s how you use the phrase. Now take me
to the aaloo paranthas place.”

I really could not pull it off.
“Okay, let’s go.”

I held her hand again and led her to a dhaba which was an all
nighter. My office was not in this area but I had frequented the parantha
shop in the vicinity. She would raise some eyebrows considering the
time and considering Gurgaon, but I assumed there would be some
female population in the form of call centre executives. Luckily, I
was right, there were some females around when we got to the place.
We sat on one of the corners, as far away from a group of rowdy
drunk guys. I could remember more than one occasion when I was
one of the rowdy drunk guys and people with females used to sit far
away from me. In fact, the only time I had come here with a female
was when I had come here with Pooja and when she had decided that
we were together. Not a really nice memory. But it had been quite a
while.

“What are you thinking?”
“Some old memories of this place. How things change.”
“Things change, people should not.”

“You changed. In fact, you changed so much that you even changed
your name!”

“I am different. Different rules apply to me.”
“Oh come on!”
“Yeah, whatever.”
She giggled. I giggled right back at her.
“You giggle like a girl.”
I giggled some more. The waiter came to take our order.
“So what will you have?”
“I told you right. Aaloo paratha.”
“Okay, chill. Anything else?”
She talked to the waiter.

“
Bhaiya, do aaloo paratha with butter ke saath and sir ke liye ek
chai and ek aur aaloo paratha.
”

I laughed out. The waiter joined in.
“What?”
“You talk like a Punjabi girl who has lived in Canada too long.”
“Oh shut up!”
“Yeah whatever.”

I took out my tongue to tease her, the waiter interrupted,
surprisingly in English.

 

“Sir, when you two are done, please call me. I have other work
also.”

We both looked at him surprised. Me because he spoke English,
and she because of his attitude. Before she could say anything, I
ordered.

“Three aaloo paranthas, one chai and one Thums Up.”
“Fifteen minutes.”
“A little quickly please.”
“You have a train to catch?”
“No,”
“Then fifteen minutes.”