It's Always Been You (20 page)

“I know you did, sir.” Sorren gripped his shoulder hard. “That’s why I’m here.”

* * *

“Ladies and gentlemen, the ceremony will begin in five minutes. Please take your seats and turn off all electronic devices.”

Olivia scanned the stands on the edge of Cooper Field in front of the division headquarters, hoping to find a place to sit. Battalion-wide changes of command were unusual and it showed in the lack of space in the stands. Everyone who wasn’t standing in formation on the field was jockeying for a spot to sit on the bleachers.

Reza melted out of the crowd, looking massive and intimidating in his black Stetson. Olivia sought him out, knowing he was a safe bet in the crowd of strangers.

“Emily didn’t come?” she asked, moving to stand next to him.

Reza nodded in greeting but stood, arms folded over his chest, his gaze focused on the crowd of soldiers on the field. “She’s on call at the clinic. She’s upset she couldn’t be here.”

“When will it be your turn?” she asked, searching through the crowd of faces, trying to find the one person she was looking for.

Reza looked down at her. “I won’t take command. I’m enlisted.”

“I know. I meant for you to be the first sergeant,” Olivia said, mirroring Reza’s stance.

“I don’t know,” he admitted roughly.

She placed a palm on his upper arm. He looked down at her. “You’ll get your shot, Reza,” she said quietly.

He grunted. There was disbelief in that sound. A rough, cutting disbelief that he’d ever get his feet fully back beneath him without the aid of the bottle that had sheltered him for so long.

She skimmed the field, looking for Ben, wishing she wasn’t such a coward that she could call him. But the walls around her heart were too high, the shame that she had not been able to save Hailey from her father too heavy.

She saw him there, at the edge of the giant First Cavalry Division patch in the middle of the field. His expression was tight, the smile pasted on his mouth not reaching his eyes. His movements were tense, his shoulders stiff.

He looked over in her direction. And in a thousand years, she never would have figured he’d spot her in the mass of soldiers.

But he did. His gaze locked with hers. Time hung suspended and the world fell away.

It was the pain, however, that overwhelmed her, tearing at her with a violent sense of loss.

And then he looked away, leaving emptiness. Leaving her alone, just like always.

Then there was nothing more to say as the ceremony started. She stood with Reza near the stands. Saluted when they played the national anthem. Bowed her head at the chaplain’s invocation.

She did all the formal things in the ceremony but her eyes were focused on Ben at the front of that formation. He stood straight and tall. His Stetson made him appear larger than life.

A warrior stood on that field. A warrior with a sense of humor and a good heart. She folded her hands at the small of her back and wished that things hadn’t gotten so utterly and completely screwed up.

She’d thought she could handle things with him. Thought she could keep things light and casual.

Things never worked out how she planned. And Ben wasn’t a man that was used to being handled.

This was where things stood now. An abrupt ending to their casual thing.

She was going downrange with this unit so she needed to figure out how to fix things—or at least get them back to some semblance of professional. The men behind Ben would follow him into combat. He wanted to bring them all home. What commander didn’t?

But there was something else that nagged at her. Ben had lost friends in battle. She knew that. But how would he react to losing men in a formation he
commanded
? Would that be different?

She didn’t know.

If someone had asked her last week, she would have said she wanted to be that person he leaned on if he needed someone. Now? Now she was worried he would do what so many of them did, and stuff it down just to drive on with the mission.

The ceremony continued as LTC Gilliad walked in front of each command team. He took the guidon from each executive officer and handed it to the new commander.

And then he stopped in front of Ben.

Ben’s hands closed over the staff, his movements sharp and stiff. Olivia felt a surge of pride as Ben accepted the guidon from LTC Gilliad.

The man sparked something inside her. Something she hadn’t allowed herself to feel before.

He’d been there. Allowed her to lean when she’d thought she was going to tear apart. And she’d ruined it. Ruined everything by being too driven, too focused on the idea of justice rather than on the people involved.

The formation came to attention. The narrator informed them that this concluded the ceremony and they could join the new commanders in the battalion conference room for a reception.

Her phone buzzed violently in her pocket and she wove to the edge of the mass of people surging the field to congratulate the new commanders.

“Major Hale.”

“Hi Major Hale, this is Sarah Childress with the high school.”

Childress. The school nurse that had worked with CPS on the Escoberra case.

“Yes ma’am? How can I help you?”

“I’m not sure if you’re the right person but someone told me today that the Escoberra case has been closed?”

Olivia’s throat closed off. “Yes, I’m afraid that will be the case,” she managed.

“Why?”

Olivia sighed heavily. “I can’t really go into those details,” she said softly.

That single word sliced at her, cut deeply at her sense of purpose, at her sense of what was right in the world.

Silence on the other end of the phone. “No one talked to me,” Ms. Childress said.

Olivia’s skin crawled. “Excuse me?”

“I gave a statement but there’s more to this story than you know. And I can probably lose my job for telling you this, but someone needs to do something before that man does some permanent damage.”

Olivia didn’t stay for the reception.

* * *

Ben searched the faces in the crowd but no matter how many times he looked, he knew the truth. She wasn’t there.

She had probably gone back to work but he’d hung on to the foolish hope that she would stay.

“She was here,” Reza said, sneaking up behind him.

“I really hate it when you practice that ninja shit,” Ben grumbled. “And how do you know who I’m looking for?”

“You’re scanning the field like a lovesick puppy. It’s pretty obvious,” Reza said, folding his arms over his chest.

Ben sighed and rubbed his finger beneath the band of his Stetson. “Oh. Well.”

“How did you already manage to screw things up with her?”

Ben stilled. The world fell away, his focus concentrated on Reza’s next words. “How do you know things are screwed up?”

“Call it my finely tuned intuition,” Reza said dryly.

“Not funny.”

“Who’s laughing?”

Ben sighed. “We had an argument. About Escoberra.”

“And?”

“And I screwed up. What else is there to report?” Ben snapped.

Together they started walking toward the battalion headquarters and more congratulations. And cake. There would be cake at the reception.

Ben scoffed quietly. Cake was the only good thing coming out of this day.

As they rounded the corner of the pavilion and headed toward the conference room where the massive spread of food and cake was, Ben stopped short.

His mother stood there talking to his battalion commander.

A cold wave crashed into him and damn near drowned him in its wild, unrestrained intensity.

Five years since he’d seen her last. Five years since she’d shown up in that hospital in Baghdad and told him in no uncertain terms that he was not getting out of the army. That she was not going to let him ruin his life over some sentimental bullshit ideals.

His mouth went dry. His heart froze in his chest. He didn’t know whether to stand his ground or turn and hide.

He didn’t know what to say. What to do.

How to react. His heart skittered roughly in his chest.

She spotted him.

And her face spread into a warm smile that he would have killed for a decade or so ago.

Now?

Now his breath caught in his throat. Now a slick sweat broke over his skin. Now he straightened as she approached with his commander. He saluted because she was more Colonel Teague than Mother and because he honestly didn’t know how else to react.

Falling back on rigid customs and courtesies seemed like as good a plan as any.

His hand trembled as he saluted.

“You don’t salute your mother,” she said. Her voice was warmer than he remembered. Her hair was steel grey, her face regal and polished. She was more beautiful than he remembered. Older. But still beautiful.

Still the mother that he remembered before Dad had left them both alone.

She would forever be frozen in his memory looking like she had the day his dad died.

“Sorry,” he mumbled. “Wasn’t sure.”

LTC Gilliad offered a quick salute. “I’ll let you catch up. Ma’am, it was nice seeing you again.”

She returned his salute sharply. “You, too, Brian. Take care of my son.”

“Will do, ma’am. I’m confident he’ll make you proud.”

Ben glanced over, realizing that Reza had stood fast by his side, not leaving him to face his mother alone.

God, but he loved that man for not leaving him alone right then. Ben wasn’t sure he could have held his bearing. Old hurts wrestled with something new and unexpected.

Something he couldn’t name.

“Mom, this is Sergeant First Class Iaconelli. He’s a good friend,” Ben said.

He waited for the flicker of disapproval but none came. She extended her hand and Reza shook it. “I’ve heard a lot about you, ma’am,” Reza said.

“That’s probably not a good thing,” she said quietly. Ben didn’t know how to react to this woman who was so much warmer than he remembered. “I know you weren’t expecting me,” she said to Ben. “But I didn’t want what happened between us to keep me from seeing your big day.” Her eyes glittered darkly. “Your father would be very, very proud of you, Ben.”

Ben swallowed a hard lump. His eyes stung and he blinked rapidly. “Thanks, Mom,” he said when he was certain he could speak without embarrassing himself.

She cleared her throat quietly. “I requested to be assigned here at Fort Hood.” She paused and there was a flicker of uncertainty in her dark eyes.

“Oh.” Again, Ben didn’t know what to say. He stood there, rooted to the spot.

“I just wanted you to hear it from me,” she said softly. “I’ll let you get going to your reception.”

She turned to go. Ben’s throat locked up and she was a good fifty feet away before he could speak. “Mom?”

She stopped, turning back to look at him. In that moment, Ben realized that Dad would always stand between them. Dad had been the one they’d both loved but they’d been a family once. Once she’d laughed and loved him as much as she’d loved his father. But then Dad had died and at that moment, Ben knew it was grief, powerful grief that had torn his mother away from him. Because his mother had loved his father. With everything she had. Suddenly, he could no longer summon the energy to be angry with her for leaving him after his father had died.

Because she’d thought she had nothing left when his dad died. He’d hated her for so long for not loving him enough.

But grief was a powerful thing.

His throat closed off. He knew, in that instant, he knew that what he’d lost with Olivia could have been that kind of love.

He studied the woman who’d been so distant, so cold in her grief. The years of bitter cold that stood between them wouldn’t fade in a day. But his mother had made a powerful leap of faith today.

It was Ben’s turn to take the same leap and meet her halfway.

“Thanks for coming today,” he said finally.

She nodded quickly and Ben suspected that her eyes were more than a little wet.

It wasn’t like they were going to be having Sunday dinners or anything, but a little bit of the anger and the hurt faded in that moment.

He stood, keenly aware of Reza next to him. Finally Ben broke the silence. “Now how was that for a Hallmark moment?” he asked lightly.

Reza gripped his shoulder. “I see where you get your charming good looks. Your mother is a handsome woman.”

Ben glanced over at his longtime friend. “I didn’t know you had a thing for cougars,” he said.

Reza laughed and slapped Ben hard on the shoulder. “Smart-ass.”

Ben grinned but it didn’t last. They walked into the headquarters and toward the crowded conference room, which was filled with soldiers from across the battalion, all coming to see the new commanders, and for a slice of free cake. Olivia was nowhere to be seen, and Reza’s warning hung over his head like a shroud. Just then everything was piling on. He had not been prepared to see his mother at the ceremony today. It unhinged all the boxes he’d stuffed everything into and locked away.

Now it felt as if he had a hadron collider inside him. He was weighed down with responsibility now. The guidon. His soldiers.

Olivia.

They’d moved beyond something casual to something deeper and Ben had let stupid pride screw it up.

He needed to call her. To make the effort to bridge the chasm between them.

He smiled and nodded and made polite conversation but as the morning drew on, he couldn’t shake the unsettled feeling that something big was coming.

“You need to call the lawyer, sir.”

His first night officially in command and he was standing on a street corner outside a shitty apartment complex on Rancier Avenue with his first sergeant because Zittoro had called and told them that Foster had broken restriction. This place was not exactly known for its family-friendly atmosphere.

Ben sighed and glanced over at his first sergeant. The streetlights overhead flickered and hummed. “Is it petulant and wrong if I don’t?”

“Yes. Yes sir, it is.”

Ben sighed and pulled out his government-issued cell phone that he’d taken ownership of when he’d taken the guidon. He was officially tied to his e-mail and phone now. He figured he at least had a chance of getting through to Olivia without her hanging up on him if he called from the official phone.

Goddamn it, he wished things hadn’t gotten so screwed up between them.

He dialed her number, his heart tight in his throat while it rang.

“Major Hale. May I help you, sir or ma’am.”

“Olivia, it’s Ben.”

Silence. He glanced at the phone. “Shit. I hope she didn’t hang up on me.”

“No. I’m still here.”

Relief was a cold thing against his skin. “So I’m kind of hanging out near a crack house—”

“You’re what?”

If he’d been kidding, he might have smiled, but considering it was nearly four in the morning, he wasn’t exactly in the mood for jokes. “I’m at a crack house. One of my super troopers is in there. And I need some legal advice.”

He heard the rustle of blankets as she sat up. His mouth went dry, wondering what she might have on.

Yeah, he couldn’t exactly ask that question at the moment, now could he?

“Explain the situation to me.”

“Well, I’m not one hundred percent sure. All I know is that Foster has violated restriction and the apartment isn’t in his name so we can’t go in and get him.” He frowned. “I don’t think.”

She sighed heavily on the line. “Are the police there?”

“Yes.”

“Let them arrest him.”

“Again?”

“Yes, again. Then whenever he posts bail, you add all of this to his packet.” She hesitated.

“I don’t want to court-martial him,” Ben said quietly. “I need to get him into rehab. If he gets arrested, what does that do to my chances of making that happen?” He leaned down, pinching the bridge of his nose.

“If he’s arrested, there’s no way the battalion commander will support rehab,” she said finally. “Ben?”

“Yeah?”

“For what it’s worth, I’m sorry.”

An olive branch. A tentative peace offering extended after a shitty night.

“Thanks,” he said softly. “Me, too.”

The sun rose over Fort Hood as Ben sat in the cab of his truck with Sorren. Neither of them broke the silence, each lost in his own thoughts.

“He broke restriction, sir.”

“That doesn’t mean he’s in there using,” Ben said. “Maybe there’s a really good reason for this?” His hands shook from lack of sleep and not nearly enough adrenaline. Ben shook his head and felt the powerlessness rise up inside him. The most powerful position in the army and he couldn’t do a damn thing to help a friend.

Perfect.

“Well, the way I see it, we have two options,” Sorren said after several seconds. “We can let the police arrest him.”

“Or?”

“Or we go in and see what the hell is going on. And if there’s even the slightest chance that you’re right, we give the kid a second chance.”

“And if I’m wrong?”

“Then he gets arrested and we deal with the consequences.”

Ben looked at the shitty duplex. There were bars on the windows. A plastic chair with three legs was propped up against the dirty wall. “It might not really be a crack house, right?”

Sorren looked over at him. “Sure. I’ll play your silly game.”

“You and this unexpected sense of humor,” Ben said. He sucked in a deep breath. “Well, here’s hoping we don’t get shot.”

Sorren shot him a wry look and climbed out of the truck.

It was a long slow walk to the front door. There was no noise coming from the apartment.

Ben knocked on the door.

The sun slid a little higher in the sky. There was a muffled noise in the silence.

A lock clicked in the door.

The chain rattled and slid free.

Foster opened the door.

He was tired and worn out. But he didn’t look high. “I don’t suppose you want to hear a really good explanation for all this?” he said by way of greeting.

Ben folded his arms over his chest. “You better be one hell of a good storyteller.”

“Monica was having a bad trip. She didn’t have anyone else to call.” Foster shrugged sheepishly. “I should have called you first but I didn’t know what else to do.”

“Is she okay?” Sorren asked.

“She is now,” Foster said. He dragged his hands through his hair. “I’m in a lot of trouble, aren’t I?”

Ben squeezed his shoulder. “Not nearly as much as you could be,” Ben said. “I think this is about as good as this situation could possibly have ended.”

An hour later, he pinched the bridge of his nose again as he walked into the headquarters. LTC Gilliad stood by the conference table in his office and was in the middle of strapping his reflective belt around his waist when Ben knocked on the door.

His gaze flickered down over Ben’s civilian clothes. “Oh, I can’t wait to hear this one,” Gilliad said. “If you can beat Assassin Six’s story, I’ll give you the morning off.”

Ben briefly wondered if his commander had been drinking. “Well, that depends on what Assassin Six’s story was, sir.”

Assassin Six was Alpha company’s commander, Captain Brint Martini.

Gilliad’s expression was grim. “He spent the night running down the daughter of one of his sergeants. They found her down on Rancier in a hotel room, prostituting herself for heroin.”

“Jesus, sir, I hope no one can beat that. Is the daughter okay?”

“They’re at the hospital with her now. Getting her checked out for all the standard Really Bad Shit.” Gilliad leaned against his table. “So what’s your story?”

“I too spent the night on Rancier, getting one of my guys who broke restriction out of a crack house. But he didn’t get arrested and he wasn’t high when we found him. He was sitting with a friend who’d had a bad trip.”

“I really wish I didn’t know what any of that stuff was.” Gilliad rubbed his hand over his jaw absently. Finally he released a heavy sigh. “I want a health and welfare before the weekend is over. I want the barracks cleared out, vehicles searched. The whole nine yards. We’ve got a goddamned drug problem in this battalion.”

Ben frowned. “Sir, don’t you need to talk to Major Hale about that?”

“I don’t want anyone knowing about this but my commanders and my sergeant major. I want this kept quiet.”

Ben considered his next words carefully before he spoke. “Sir, if we do the health and welfare and find anything, we’re not going to be able to prosecute. We’ll be stuck knowing we’ve got these guys in our formation and not be able to do anything to them.” He breathed out slowly. “I recommend you talk to Major Hale before we do this. We need to do this right, sir.”

Gilliad’s eyes were sharp when he met Ben’s gaze. “Are you trying to tell me how to run my battalion, Teague?”

“No sir. Just trying to make sure we’re doing things the right way so we can clean it up.” Ben straightened. “Major Hale’s advice has been rock solid, sir. I trust her judgment.”

Gilliad tugged on his bottom lip. “Major Denis doesn’t think much of her legal work. Says she’s behind on almost everything.”

Ben thought about parsing his words then said to hell with it. He wasn’t exactly known for his tact. Why start now? “Sir, she’s un-fucking what six of your previous commanders failed to do. I think she should have at least a month on the job before we stone her for incompetence.”

Gilliad chuckled quietly. “Go get the damn lawyer.” He jammed a finger in Ben’s direction. “But keep this quiet. If we’ve got a drug problem in our formation, I want to catch the little fuckers and throw their asses out of the army.”

“Roger, sir. I’ll send her your way. I won’t be at PT. I’m heading home to shower and change.”

“Understood.” Gilliad straightened, pausing near the door to place his hand on Ben’s shoulder. “You’re doing good work, Ben. Keep it up.”

Ben looked down, unable to let the praise sink in. It didn’t feel like he was doing a good job. It felt like he was barely keeping his head above water and that if he stopped and rested for even a minute, he was going to sink beneath the waves.

Ben glanced at his watch. “Sir, I’ve only been on the job two weeks, officially less than twenty-four hours. I recommend giving me at least a month on the job before we start assuming I’m capable of anything other than knock knock jokes.”

The commander grinned and shoved him out the door. Ben stuffed his hands in his pockets and headed down the hall, planning on ducking into Olivia’s office and letting her know the boss needed to see her.

But she wasn’t in yet. She might still be at the gym. He shot her a quick text message, then tucked his phone back in his pocket.

He’d call her later if she didn’t answer his text. He’d find her today and check on her. And see if maybe, just maybe, he could repair some of the strain in their relationship.

He did not expect to see Olivia sitting in front of his house.

* * *

She was nervous. Of all the ways she could have checked on him today, this was the most stupid. But she couldn’t get the sound of his voice out of her head after he’d hung up the phone earlier and she didn’t want to do this at the office in case it went horribly, horribly wrong.

Ben hesitated when he climbed out of his truck. “Am I in trouble?” he asked lightly.

Jokes. Jokes were a good sign.

“No. Not in trouble,” she said. She wanted desperately to repair the damage between them before she brought Escoberra back between them. One thing at a time, though. And she wouldn’t bring Escoberra up until Emily had checked something out for her first. If the school nurse was right…

Maybe it was wrong of her but she desperately wanted to rebuild the peace between them. Because if she was right about Escoberra, it was going to destroy Ben.

And she wanted to be standing with him when he found out.

Right now, though, she was worried about him and nothing more. He licked his lips, leaning against his truck. Not approaching. Not attempting to span the chasm between them.

“I wanted to see you,” she said simply when she couldn’t stand the silence anymore.

The muscles in his neck tightened as the quiet stretched on. “You could have seen me at work.”

“I know.” She breathed out deeply. “I wanted to check on you. You sounded like last night was a rough one.”

“It was.” It felt so good to just see him. Even the tired lines on his face, the weary sag of his shoulders—even broken down with fatigue he was compelling. “Did anyone get arrested?”

“Worried you’d have to come visit me in prison? Prison sex is supposedly a new fad.”

She coughed, grabbing her ribs as the laugh tore free. “There’s something wrong with you,” she said when she could speak.

“What? You didn’t see it on Dateline?”

She lifted her face to look up at him and found his eyes warm and welcoming. Tired, but no longer cold and filled with unspoken hurt.

“Thanks, Ben,” she said softly. “I needed a laugh.”

“We all do now and again,” he said. He didn’t look away and she had the strongest urge to cross the space between them.

“You okay now?”

He nodded, folding his arms over his chest where he leaned against his truck. “Have to be, right?”

“Yeah.”

She studied him then, her eyes warm and no longer red. “That doesn’t actually make this any easier.”

“I know.” He sighed heavily “There are worse things than jail,” he said quietly.

Finally, Olivia crossed the space between them. Olivia rested her hand over his heart, unable to resist touching him. “I know this is hard, what we do. But we’ve got to have limits on what we allow.”

“But I’ve never gotten hemmed up for half the shit I’ve done. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve gotten drunk downtown and gotten into fights. Shit, Iaconelli and I were on a six-week streak at one point.”

She could easily picture him and Reza getting buck wild. Easily. “And what happened?”

“Sarn’t Major threatened to court-martial Iaconelli and the colonel told me if I didn’t get my act together, he was going to put me on orders to Siberia.”

Olivia traced her fingers over the muscles of his chest. “Do we have a base in Siberia?”

“Siberia, Alaska, same thing,” Ben mumbled. He lowered his arms, his fingers dancing over her hips.

“Maybe you should have gotten in trouble. But you didn’t. You recovered from this stuff. Maybe some of these guys can, too. That’s what you want, right?”

“Yeah. I need them to get their heads out of their asses.” The echo of Sarn’t Major Giles ripping into Reza with Ben standing right next to him rang clearly in Ben’s memory.

“Then hopefully, they will.”

He folded his hand over hers. Her fingers were strong and soft beneath his. He caressed her knuckles with his thumb and then unexpectedly, lowered his forehead to hers. “I hate what this job is doing to me,” he whispered.

She lifted her fingers to cup his face. He nuzzled her palm with his cheek. “You’re still a good man, Ben.”

“That’s the crux of it, isn’t it? How to wield this power and stay a good man.”

“You’re doing just fine, Ben.” She brushed her lips against his. It was meant to offer comfort but it quickly turned sensual. “Command is hard because you care. Your soldiers are lucky to have you.”

“Thanks for checking on me,” he whispered.

“That’s what people do when they care about each other,” she said.

His hands slipped around her neck, dancing beneath the knot of hair at the base of her skull. She lifted her mouth, meeting him halfway in a kiss that was both urgent and needy. The fatigue, the worry—all of it evaporated, taking the fear and the strain with it. “Can I see you tonight?” he whispered against her mouth.