It's Not Easy Bein' Me: A Lifetime of No Respect but Plenty of Sex and Drugs (10 page)

Dean only came in once a week to tape his show—no rehearsal. (The set for our bits was always the same—me, Dean, a table, and two chairs.) For our first show together, it took Dean and me just three or four minutes to film our routine and we were done. “Okay, great, see ya next week, right?” Wrong. That was the last time I saw Dean. For the next seven Sundays, I flew from New York to California, went into an empty studio, sat down at that table by myself, and did four skits while talking to an empty chair. Later, the crew filled in shots of the audience laughing, and they filled in Dean Martin, too.

After the taping, it was back to the airport and back to New York. Many times I thought,
Is this show business? Doing jokes to nobody, piped-in laughter, no audience?

I used to have to fly quite a bit back then because I was doing shows all over the country. I used to tape-record my
act so that I could polish my jokes. When I’d make changes in my act, I’d play the tape back so I could hear how they went over. I’d be sitting on the plane with the earplug stuck in my ear, listening to my act. Nine times out of ten, I’d fall asleep this way.

Dean was such a big star that he didn’t even have to show up for his own show. Most of my bits “with” him were done in an empty studio. And he was edited in later
.

Courtesy of Dangerfield’s, New York

While I was dozing, I’d hear one of my jokes, and think,
Hey, wait a minute, that’s my joke!
Then I’d hear this guy tell another two or three of my jokes, and I’d think,
What the hell? Who is this guy? He took my whole act!

I’d be so upset that I’d wake up.

Then I’d realize that I was listening to myself.

My old man was dumb. He picked a guy’s pocket on an airplane and made a run for it.

Y
ou meet all kinds of people when you’re traveling. Once there was a guy sitting next to me on an airplane bothering me with all kinds of questions. Then he said, “It must be rough for you with all the people who bother you.”

I said, “Nah, it’s all right.” Even though
he
was the one who was bothering me.

And he kept doing it, so I finally decided to smoke a cigarette, which was allowed on planes in those days. I took out a cigarette and started smoking it so that I wouldn’t have to answer any more of this guy’s questions. Just to make sure, I leaned back against my pillow and closed my eyes. The guy looks over at me and he doesn’t know what to say—it was the first time he’d ever seen a man smoking while he’s sleeping.

With my wife I get no respect. I fell asleep with a cigarette in my hand. She lit it.

O
n one of my flights, I happened to sit behind Vice President Hubert Humphrey’s wife, Muriel. We were sitting there for a while when she pushed her seat back a few inches. She thought maybe she hit my leg, she didn’t know, and she quickly turned around to ask if I was okay.

I said, “Hey, baby, don’t worry about it. No problem.”

The guy next to me said, “You called her ‘baby’?”

Oops. I felt guilty. I turned first class into low class.

My dog, that’s another one. All day, he keeps barking at the front door. He don’t want to go out. He wants me to leave
.

T
hings were really falling into place for me now, but there was one door I couldn’t pry open. The biggest show for a comic, the one that could make your career, wouldn’t book me. Johnny Carson’s
Tonight Show
wouldn’t use me because my manager—the good driver—had offended Johnny. Without telling me, he sent Johnny an offensive letter that accused him of using one of my jokes on his show. The next night Johnny read the letter on the air, made fun of it…and my manager.

I felt sorry for my manager, so I sent Johnny
another
offensive letter. So you can understand why he didn’t want me on his show.

About two years later, some people from
The Tonight Show
came to see me at a club in Greenwich Village. (I remember that the job only paid $50 a week, so I told the owner to keep the money, and I drank for free that week.) The booker from
The Tonight Show
loved my act. He came backstage and told me he wanted to book me on the show, but I told him about the nasty letters and said that Johnny might still be angry at me. This guy said, “Nah. That was years ago—he’s forgotten about that.” So I get booked on
The Tonight Show
.

The night before I was supposed to appear, I got a phone call at my office in New Jersey from the man who booked me. He said, “You’re right. Carson is still angry. You’re not on the show.”

But I wasn’t surprised. In fact, I understood.

The next time I crossed paths with Johnny Carson, it was a couple of years later, under unusual circumstances. I had worked the Copacabana for a week and had closed the night before. My aluminum-siding pal Tony Bennett was the new headliner, and I’d come down to catch his show, which was sold out. When I got there, the place was a madhouse—there was a crowd outside, people pushing and shoving, trying to get in.

As I’m walking up to the club, I see my old friend Stan Irwin, who’s now a producer for
The Tonight Show
, sitting in a car with Johnny Carson. They’d come down hoping to see Tony Bennett but were about to go home because they couldn’t get in. I said, “Come on, follow me.”

I took them in the back way, through the kitchen, then led them to the main room, where the maître d’ took care of them. During the entire walk, I said only five words to Carson: “I’m sorry, I was wrong.” And I meant it.

I went on to do seventy appearances with Johnny. Carson did a great straight for me, and he has a great wit. To give you an idea, one time on his show, I did this joke: “Johnny, the most important thing in life is to have
friends, good friends.” I pointed to his announcer-sidekick, Ed McMahon. “Like you and Ed are good friends. How long have you been friends?”

Johnny Carson was a class act. I guess he put me on the show for contrast.

Courtesy of Dangerfield’s, New York

Carson said, “About twenty-four years.”

And I said, “No children, huh?”

That got a laugh.

Then Carson came back with, “It’s not that we haven’t tried.”

That got a
huge
laugh.

I remember before we were married, I told my wife, “Honey, I love you. Will you marry me?” She said, “If you really loved me, you wouldn’t ask me to do that.”

Chapter Eight

I Am Not High!

My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror.

S
o, now I’m back in show business. I should have been a real happy guy, but I wasn’t. I still had my bouts with depression.

Like most people in that situation, I tried to self-medicate, which is New Age talk for “I got loaded.” I used to drink. A lot. Too much.

When I was drinking, sometimes my judgment was not at its best. I left a club one night after getting half loaded and I was
very
hungry, so I drove to a deli called Smiler’s that was open all night. I grabbed a package of Swiss cheese and asked the girl behind the counter to cut me a roll. I unwrapped the cheese and put it in the roll, took a big bite, and away I went.

I got home, parked my car, got up to my apartment, and I was almost finished eating the Swiss-cheese sandwich, but I was thinking,
Wow, this cheese is chewy!

So I looked at it. I was at the end of the sandwich, which meant I had eaten almost all the cheese…and all the pieces of wax paper between the slices. No wonder it didn’t taste quite right.

That’s what I did when I was drunk. If I had been high on pot, it would have been different—I would have eaten the wax paper, the cheese, and the girl who sold me the cheese.

I went to the store to buy some rat poison and the clerk said, “Shall I wrap it, or do you want to eat it here?”

A
ll my life, I’ve heard people say that booze is a social lubricant, but I always found that people got along much better when they were smoking pot. Back in 1949, I was working a nightclub called the Famous Door on Fifty-second Street. The show was me and a three-piece band, all black guys.

My first night there, the place was empty, but the boss told me to start the show. I said, “How can I start the show? There’s no audience.”

He said, “You do the show anyway. If someone is walking by outside and there’s no show, they’ll just keep walking. But if they see that the lights are on and there’s a guy onstage telling jokes, they might come in.”

He knew the business better than I did. I got up on that stage and told my jokes to the empty chairs and the empty tables, and after about fifteen minutes, people did walk in. So, I did my act again, then introduced the trio. After they finished, I came back, did another fifteen minutes, and closed the show. An hour later, we’d do it all again.

That first night, when the first show was over, the musicians and I were all sitting in one big dressing room, talking about nothing in particular, when one of them said to the other two, “Wanna get some ice cream?”

They both perked up and said, “Yeah, let’s go.”

The next night, same thing.

Then it hit me.
They don’t care about ice cream. They’re getting high
.

The following night, between shows, I said, “Hey, boys, I’ve got some great shit. Wanna get high?”

They looked shocked—in those days most people thought marijuana was only smoked by black musicians—but they quickly got over their surprise and said okay.

After that, it became a nightly thing—between shows, we’d all go out for “ice cream.”

I tell ya one thing about me. I say “No” to drugs. When people ask me for some of my drugs, I say “No.”

Nobody partied harder than John Belushi—not even me. Here’s a rare shot of both of us standing up
.

Courtesy of Dangerfield’s, New York

I
first smoked pot back in 1942. I was twenty-one, just on the edge of getting into show business, working a Saturday night here and there, just plugging away. One night in Kellogg’s Cafeteria on Forty-ninth Street in New York, a popular hangout for acts when they finished working, I was sitting with a couple of show folk—a comic named Bobby Byron and my
Car 54
friend Joe E. Ross.

We were sitting there talking, doing what we were doing, and Bobby and Joe E. decided that they wanted to get high. They invited me to join them.

“I don’t get high,” I told them, “but I’ll keep you company.”

So we walked back to the Belvedere Hotel, which was where Bobby lived. I even remember the room, 1411. We went upstairs, and Bobby took out a joint and lit it. He and Joe E. took a couple of hits off that joint, then offered it to me.