Jackal's Dance (30 page)

He gave a cynical laugh, cut short when it hurt. ‘How convenient. Different too. Remind me to try it next time we disagree.'

‘Stop it, Billy.'

‘Why? Because being in the wrong makes you uncomfortable?'

Thea took a deep breath. ‘This is probably not the best time to talk.'

He stopped pacing and rounded on her. ‘Oh no you don't. You go on and on about wanting to talk. Well, now's your chance. We're going to thrash this out once and for all.'

‘Not like this we won't. We need to talk calmly. Both of us have things to say and things to hear. I know you're upset but so am I. This isn't a one-sided problem, Billy.'

Hands on hips, he stared at her. Finally, ‘Oh you're cute. A real smoothie. You want calm? Fine. I'm calm.' He had to work at lowering his voice. ‘See. I'm ready to have that discussion. Right now. The floor is all yours.'

Thea's expression was unreadable. ‘Sit down then.'

‘Why should I?'

‘Because if we're going to have a proper discussion we'll do it on equal terms. Not with you dominating the space between us.'

Her composure was unnerving. There was more strength in Thea than Billy had ever given credit for. He was impressed, although her words fanned his anger. ‘Nice try. But I haven't been unfaithful, so don't talk to me about equal terms.'

Thea bit her lip. ‘What is it you want, Billy? We're getting nowhere like this.'

‘An apology would be nice for starters.'

She looked up at him. A nerve ticked at the corner of one eye. It was, as far as Billy could see, the only indication that his wife was in any way flustered. ‘Please sit down.'

He did, reluctantly, a coffee table between them.

Thea folded her hands. ‘I apologise, Billy. Of course I do. I'd give anything to take it back. But it's there, it's happened. The question is, can we deal with it?'

He shook his head. ‘I don't know.'

Thea leaned forward. ‘Let me put it another way. Do you want to try?'

Cool as a cucumber
, Billy thought before saying, ‘I don't know that either. Have you any idea what it was like for me back there? My own wife in bed with another man.'
A little reminder as to who's done what to whom won't hurt.

Thea's face flushed. The message had hit home. ‘Oh yes,' she said slowly. ‘I still can't explain why we went that far. It just happened. I feel terrible, and probably will for the rest of my life. The point is, can we get past it? I understand your shock and anger. We do need to discuss everything about today, but to deal with the current situation we have to go back further than that.'

‘So you can blame me, I suppose?'

‘Blame! I'm not talking about blame, Billy. If it makes you feel better I'll take full responsibility. I don't care whose fault it is, it doesn't matter at this stage. I'm looking for a way through the problem of our marriage. Frankly, I don't know that there is one.'

He hadn't expected that.

‘I've been aware for some time that you don't love me. I didn't want to accept it. I kept telling myself that you were taking a little while to adjust. But that wasn't it, was it? Tell me honestly, please Billy, why did you marry me?'

‘I loved you.'

‘Loved?' She picked up on the past tense. ‘I don't think so.'

Billy looked, really looked, at his wife. Short dark hair framed her face. Large blue eyes gazed at him, a question in them. Alabaster skin, high cheekbones, straight nose, nice mouth. Intelligence and strength were there in abundance. Honour too. Despite what had happened, Thea had honour. ‘I . . . I did love you.' As he spoke, it hit Billy that, if not love, he had admired Thea. It hadn't been enough for either of them. He'd reacted by chipping away at her confidence and self-esteem. Despite growing despair, Thea had maintained a quiet dignity, always putting on a brave face. She was stronger than him. The knowledge angered him. ‘You betrayed my love.'

Instead of shame, something like impatience edged into her voice. ‘Can you, just for a change, treat me with a little respect? I think I deserve the truth.'

How dare she sit there calmly demanding respect?
‘Of course I loved you.'

Exasperation passed across her eyes. ‘Stop lying. It's getting us nowhere.'

They were glaring at each other across the coffee table. Finally Billy's eyes slid away.

Thea sighed. ‘I've been such a fool.' She brushed absently at a loose thread on the sofa before continuing. ‘But no more. You want your freedom, you can have it. You want to give this marriage another go, we can try. Whatever you want, Billy, I'm
prepared to meet you halfway. But no more chop and change. Make up your mind and stick to it. Whatever you decide now is for keeps. Will that make you happy?'

Billy slumped back, a hand over his eyes. This was going badly. He should have been calling the shots. ‘How can it make me happy when I've just found you in bed –'

Thea jumped up. ‘Oh for God's sake, Billy, get your head past that for the moment, can't you? Our problem goes much deeper than today. Yes, I agree, it must have been a shock. Yes, you have every right to feel betrayed. Yes, it was wrong of me. But can't you see? If we're to deal with what happened we have to get to the bottom of why it happened. We can't do that if you persist in lying. However much it hurts, Billy, however hard it might be for you to do this, we're not going to get anywhere unless both of us can speak the truth.' She was pacing. ‘Here's my truth. I loved you. You're not perfect, no-one is. You make mistakes just like everyone else but you're too damned arrogant to admit it. You're as lazy as hell and everyone here is filling in because you don't pull your weight. You've got everybody's backs up because you stick your two cents worth in where you have no authority whatsoever. In point of fact, Billy, you are a terrible manager. But I loved you anyway. I loved you so much that all I wanted was to spend my whole life with you.'

It was Billy's turn to notice the past tense. Before he could think of anything to say, Thea went on.

‘I'm teetering on the brink here, Billy, and it's killing me. I don't know whether to hold on or let go. I'm not sure I want our marriage to work any more but I'm prepared to try. If you want to end it here and now I'll get over it, eventually. But it's got to be the truth. No more lies.' She spun and faced him. ‘Now, Billy.'

She was still blaming him, insinuating that he was responsible for everything. As for her criticisms, his wife didn't have a clue what she was talking about. And on top of that, Thea was brazenly trying to make him back down. Anyone would think that he was the guilty one. Anger surged through him. How dare she? He was the one who had been wronged. Unable to stop himself, Billy sprang from his chair and slapped Thea's face. ‘The truth is,' he gritted, holding her shoulders as she struggled to get away from him, ‘that you were caught with your pants down, so it's no good trying to turn this whole thing around and pretend it's my fault. The truth, as I see it, is that you are a slut and
if
, and that's a mighty big
if
by the way, I decide to take you back, you can count yourself lucky.' He slapped her again. ‘Am I getting through to you?'

Thea stepped back as Billy let go of the other shoulder. ‘Loud and clear,' she said quietly, her eyes on his. ‘Loud and clear. I'll move into one of the guest bungalows until I leave.'

He could see the mark of his hand on her cheek. Before today he'd never hit a woman in his life. Shame struggled with moral outrage. And he
saw the look in her eyes. Thea was teetering no longer. She had let go. Not because of anger, not through fear. Not even because he'd hit her. She'd asked for the truth and he'd been unable, or unwilling, to speak it. That was all she'd wanted. He'd lost her, killed any feeling she had for him. Billy knew he'd never get her back.

Without a wife he couldn't hope to hold on to his job. Even though any attempt to salvage the situation would probably prove futile, Billy was desperate enough to try. ‘Thea, I'm sorry.' He reached out and pulled her close. She stood stiffly against him. ‘Darling, I'm so sorry.'

‘I am too,' she said calmly. ‘Believe me.'

Billy knew his wife was not talking about Sean.

As soon as she could, Thea moved away from him. She felt a deep sadness inside, a mourning for something departed, the emptiness of a lonely soul. There was no bitterness. She couldn't hate Billy. Nor could she love him. She grieved for what had once been. She wondered how such a warm and living thing could suddenly turn so cold. No tears. What had taken its place? Regret. A need to be alone.

‘I did love you, Thea.' Billy almost believed it himself.

She looked back at him, a slightly sad smile on her face. ‘No you didn't.'

‘Yes.'

‘It's too late.'

To his horror, Billy couldn't stop the tears
welling. ‘Don't say that. It's not too late. You want the truth? I did love you. I could again. That's the truth.'

A small frown appeared between her eyes. ‘Even now you're doing it. ‘Thea gave a deep sigh. ‘I hope it's a lie, for your sake. It's over.'

He watched in silence as she packed a suitcase. Billy failed to understand the turmoil in his head. He was angry about his job, furious over Thea's betrayal, resentful that although it had been Thea who had strayed she behaved as if he was at fault – all these emotions crowded for attention. But somewhere, there at the back, was remorse. Billy knew he was losing the one person in this world who had been completely on his side. To squander such loyalty from someone the calibre of Thea was not only sad, it was downright stupid. Even while admitting this to himself, Billy experienced an uncharacteristic rush of loneliness. What a fool he'd been.

She stood at the door. ‘I'll move into bungalow six. Send the case there. Goodbye, Billy. I'll try and stay out of your way until we close. I'd appreciate it if you did the same.'

‘Thea . . .' He stepped towards her. ‘I . . . I married you for the job, I admit it.'

‘Thank you,' she said softly, accepting the truth at last.

‘If you leave . . . I don't want . . . please stay.'

Regret swam in her eyes. ‘I'm sorry, Billy. It's far, far too late for that.'

The door closed, severing their marriage.
‘Goodbye, Thea,' Billy whispered, tears running freely down his face. ‘I truly am sorry. Forgive me.'

Chester and Kalila were getting along famously. Megan, sensing the Zulu girl's interest in their game ranger, found herself trying to participate in a conversation where it was obvious she wasn't welcome. Instead of leaning forward to speak to the two in the front, she turned to talk to Troy and Fletch on the seat behind. Troy too, had picked up vibes between the two Africans.
Half his luck
, he thought without rancour. Kalila was too prickly for his liking but he did envy Chester's prospects. The ranger's chances of getting lucky looked pretty good from where he sat.

With Megan no longer listening, the talk in the front seat turned more personal. ‘Do you have a boyfriend?'

‘Yes. Do you? A girlfriend, I mean.'

‘Not really. I did meet someone during my holiday last year but . . .' Chester hesitated, ‘she was a city girl. Came up here and stayed two weeks. Hated every minute of it. Too isolated. How about you? Is your situation serious?'

‘Sort of. I've known him all my life. He's studying to become a doctor. Our families would like us to marry.'

‘Families should stay out of relationships – they don't have to live with the consequences. What would you like?'

Kalila shrugged.

‘No, tell me, I'm interested.'

She glanced over at his profile softly illuminated by the dashboard lights. He was a very handsome man. ‘I suppose I love him. He's more of a friend, though.'

‘Will you marry him?'

‘Probably.'

‘What about your career? I mean, if he's going to be a doctor that means patients. And there are not too many of those in a game reserve.'

‘I don't have to work in the bush.'

‘No, but it's where you'd prefer to be, isn't it?'

She said nothing. Chester had put his finger on a nerve end. Kalila fiercely resented the way most people assumed that sacrifice and compromise would be made by the woman in a relationship. One of the few things she admired about Europeans was that sexual inequality was, in certain circles anyway, being eradicated. It would be centuries before the traditionally held belief that man was head of the household disappeared from African culture.

Chester understood her silence. ‘Tell me to mind my own business, but have you ever been wildly in love?'

‘Have you?' Kalila countered.

Chester smiled. ‘Once. A long time ago. At the Academy.'

‘The Academy?'

‘It's what we call our university.'

‘Fellow student?'

‘No. The daughter of one of my lecturers.'

‘And how long did this fantastic love last?'

He laughed. ‘Long enough for me to find out that a beautiful face and body is no substitute for brains. She was as thick as a brick. But it was nice while it lasted.'

‘I had a big crush on a boy at school.'

‘There you go. The love of your life?'

‘Not really,' Kalila giggled. ‘We were only seven. I caught him picking his nose. Instant turn-off.' She changed the subject. ‘What did you study at university?'

‘Journalism. And you haven't answered my question.'

‘Are you always this persistent?'

‘When I have to be.'

The double entendre was not lost on Kalila but she ignored it. ‘If you're a journalist, why are you working up here?'