Jacob Two-Two-'s First Spy Case (3 page)

“Oh, no!” protested Perfectly Loathsome Leo Louse, alarmed. “I'll walk.”

“Don't worry,” said the player. “I'll drive you.”

Once Perfectly Loathsome Leo Louse had gone, Jacob Two-Two's mother opened up all the dining-room windows to air things out. “I will never understand why you put up with that man,” she said to Jacob Two-Two's father.

“Because Leo's an original,” said Jacob Two-Two's father. “There's nobody else quite like him.”

“Thank God for that,” said Jacob Two-Two's mother.

CHAPTER 4

ate the next afternoon, everybody in the family was gathered in the living room, except for Jacob Two-Two's mother, who was busy, as usual, preparing a delicious dinner for them.

Jacob Two-Two's father was lying on the sofa, also as usual, reading the latest spy novel by John le Carré. Suddenly he set down his book, and called out in a loud voice, “
WHO IS MY FAVORITE CHILD
?”

Daniel immediately hid behind the curtains.

Noah made for the nearest closet.

Emma dove behind the sofa.

Marfa slid under the coffee table.

And Jacob Two-Two crawled under a chair.

“I am burdened with five kids,” their father said, “four of them ungrateful, lazy beyond compare, each one capable of eating through a basket of peaches in an hour, ordering the most expensive dish on the menu if I take them out to dinner, always forgetting to give me my phone messages, and – the worst offense of all –
failing to laugh at my jokes
. However, my four stinkers aside, I am also blessed with one child who is totally lovable. Obliging. Respectful. Eager to help at all times. But who is it? Where is it? Hmmmn. Let me see. Isn't that a pair of feet I see sticking out from under a chair?”

Oh, no
, thought Jacob Two-Two,
not me this time
. But it was too late. He was being dragged out of his hiding place.

“Ah, there you are,” said his father. “My favorite child.”

Jacob Two-Two groaned. “What do I have to do, Daddy?”

“Wash my car, you lucky devil.”

Now that it was safe, the other kids emerged from their hiding places, and poor Jacob Two-Two trudged out of the living room. Then he filled a bucket with
soapy water, lugged it out to the driveway, and began to wash the car. He had only been at it for five minutes when he noticed somebody approaching the house next door. The person was struggling along on high-heeled shoes, carrying a handbag, wearing a wide-brimmed straw hat with a cluster of cloth flowers pinned to it, and a floral dress.

“Hiya there, Mr. Dinglebat,” said a delighted Jacob Two-Two. “Hiya there.”

“Darn it,” said Mr. Dinglebat, stamping his foot. “I thought this disguise was perfect. How did you recognize me?”

“But I'd recognize you anywhere,” said Jacob Two-Two. “I've been looking out for you ever since you moved in last Monday, and I'm really, really glad to see you again.”

“Why thank you, dear boy,
merci beaucoup, gracias
, because I've had many a narrow scrape since we first met.”

“Gosh,” said Jacob Two-Two. “Gosh.”

“I was kicked by a horse in Thunder Bay and saw the dawn come up like thunder in Kicking Horse Pass. One day out there in the wilds, I was obliged to dine on porcupine in the Peace River country, but I found
peace at last in the Porcupine Hills. And now,
amigo
, I must get some shut-eye.”

The amazing Mr. Dinglebat reached into his hand bag, pulled out a bottle and popped its cork, which inflated a huge air balloon. Holding on tightly to its drawstring, he floated up to his second-floor window, paused, and called down to Jacob Two-Two. “On second thought, once you've finished washing your father's car, why don't you visit me in my new abode? I will show you some souvenirs of my many triumphs and teach you a thing or two about spycraft.”

Jacob Two-Two, going about his work with newfound enthusiasm, was done in a jiffy, and then hurried over to Mr. Dinglebat's house. There he was shown a number of fantastic things, things he couldn't wait to get home and tell his sisters and brothers about. And just before he left, not wanting to be late for dinner, Mr. Dinglebat slipped him an envelope marked:

“I should warn you,” he whispered, “that the letter inside is written in mirror code. That means you will
only be able to make sense out of it by holding it up to a mirror. I enjoyed your visit.”

“Me, too,” said Jacob Two-Two. “Me, too.”

“Come again, soon.”

“Yes, please!”

CHAPTER 5

is
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letter hidden inside his shirt, Jacob Two-Two ran home and made immediately for the first-floor bathroom, where there was a huge mirror. The door was locked.

“Buzz off,” said Noah.

Then he dashed upstairs to try the bathroom on the second floor, where there was also a mirror – and privacy! – available. That door was also locked.

“Beat it,” said Emma.

Entering the living room, out of breath, frustrated, and still flushed with excitement, Jacob Two-Two told his father about some of the fantastic things he had
seen and heard at the home of their new neighbor, the master spy.

“Nonsense,” said Jacob Two-Two's father. “Mr. Dinglebat appears to be just a somewhat goofy, but harmless old man, who enjoys wearing disguises. But a master spy? Not on your life, Jacob.”

“Then how come he has a letter from Her Majesty, Queen Elizabeth, praising him for bravery in action?”

“Have you seen the letter?”

“What letter?” asked Daniel, barging into the living room, followed by Noah, Emma, and Marfa.

“Never mind,” said Jacob Two-Two. “Never mind. Excuse me, I have to go to the toilet.”

“Aw, come on,” said his father. “Have you seen the letter?”

“Yes! Yes!”

“What did it say?”

“I can't tell. I can't tell.”

“Is it a secret?”

“If it is,” said Marfa, smiling sweetly, “you can certainly trust me.”

“And me,” said Noah, who was wearing his fearless O'Toole costume.

Jacob Two-Two bit his lip.

“Is it a secret or not?” asked their father again.

“Not exactly. Not exactly.”

“Why can't you tell us what it said, then?” asked Emma, who was attired in her intrepid Shapiro outfit.

“I think I'd better go and wash my hands before dinner,” said Jacob Two-Two, leaping out of his chair.

“Come on,” said Daniel, shoving him back into his chair.

“I can't tell you because it was written in invisible ink,” said Jacob Two-Two twice.

Daniel whistled.

“Wow,” said Noah.

“And he has another letter,” said Jacob Two-Two, his cheeks burning red, “this one from the president of the United States of America, thanking him for preventing World Wars Three, Four, and Five from breaking out.”

“What did the president's letter say, Jacob?” asked his father.

“I can't tell you. I can't tell you. Now if you'll please, please excuse me.”

“Oh, sit down,” said his father. “You mean to say this one was also written in invisible ink?”

“No,” said Jacob Two-Two impatiently.

“What then?” asked Noah.

“
I was talking to Daddy
,” said Jacob Two-Two.

“Aw, come on,” said Daniel. “We're all family here.”

“Okay, okay,” said Jacob Two-Two, heaving a great sigh. “I can't tell you what the president's letter said, because it was written in code.”

“Imagine that!”

“Yeah. Imagine that,” said Jacob Two-Two. “And he has a sword cane, a cigarette lighter that squirts hot pepper, a secret code book, a tape recorder the size of a small bar of soap that fits into a shoe he has with a hollow heel, and a signet ring that holds a container of itching powder.”

“But anybody can buy those things, Jacob,” said his father, lifting him onto his lap.

Jacob Two-Two wiggled free. “Mr. Dinglebat is a master spy and that's what I'm going to be when I grow up.”

“Jacob, do you know what a spy is, exactly?”

“Sort of. Sort of.
And now, if you don't mind, I'm going to wash my hands
.”

“Hold on a minute,” said Jacob Two-Two's father, and, taking him by the hand, he led him into the library and dug out his Oxford English Dictionary, and
read aloud to him that “spy” meant, “One who spies or watches a person secretly; a secret agent whose business it is to keep a person, place, etc., under close observation …”

Then Jacob Two-Two's mother came in and announced, “Dinner, everybody!”

“Oh, I think I'd just better wash my hands before I sit down,” said Jacob Two-Two.

“Now there's a good boy,” said Jacob Two-Two's mother, surprised that he didn't have to be asked to do it.

“Yeah,” said Jacob Two-Two, and he raced for the first-floor bathroom, locked the door, pulled out his
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letter and held it up to the mirror at last.