Jaded Hearts (11 page)

"So let me get this straight. You keep
asking me to be yours and to give myself to you, but you don't
trust me enough to share with me something so big? You tell me you
love me but not enough to shoot me a simple text letting me know
that you're alive, and now you have to leave the country for a few
weeks? You chased me and wouldn't take no for an answer and for
what? You're all up in my business, my house and my damn panties,
but”

Before I could continue my tirade, he
brought his face dangerously close to mine and uttered through
clenched teeth.

"I didn't chase you for a thrill, it was due
to your damn running, and this is an unexpected situation that
unfortunately I cannot ignore. I know how it may look to you, but I
really cannot tell you any more than that."

His explanations really sucked.

"Well, clearly I was running because my
sixth sense was trying to warn me to stay away from a man who uses
me for sex then decides I'm not worth including in any other area
of his life," I scathed.

Julian actually winced at my retort. For a
moment I wasn't sure if he was going to squeeze me within inches of
my last breath or kiss me. He finally chose to place a slow and
tender kiss on my always anxious for him lips.

"I'm not using you for sex Jade, and you
know that. I didn't come here to fight with you or ruin your night.
I just didn't want to leave without talking to you.
"

Then his lips pressed against mine again,
coaxing me into a deeper kiss. It felt like all of the words he
didn’t say, and all of his feelings came pouring out of the kiss. I
wrapped my arms around his neck, pulling him closer to me. Julian
gripped me tighter as he moaned into my mouth. When he pulled away,
I could hardly breathe.

“
Voy a soñar
contigo,” he said before turning away.

I was speechless, mainly because trying to
hold my tears back was consuming me, and also because he sounded so
broken and defeated it touched me. I didn't really think he was
using me for sex, I was just angry and lashed out. I regretted that
being the last words I said to him while I watched as he strode
away from me and out the exit door.

I t

I turned back to face the distant crowd, and
noticed Jackie waiting at the edge of the dance floor. When she saw
my face, she rushed over to me. I wasn't even sure of the tune that
was playing because all I could hear was my heart pounding in my
ears. She took one look at me and understood that now was not the
time for questions.

"Aw Jade, don't worry. Everything will work
out." I hoped she was right.

The next day was Saturday, and I made a vow
with myself to begin filling my weekends up with more productive
activities. All the drinking, dancing and sexing over the last few
weeks had me feeling like I was trapped in a rap video. I also
needed to do something to take my mind of off Julian. I hadn't
heard from him since he walked out of the party, and I already
missed him. Despite the lack of label to our relationship, I had
grown to love the time we spent together.

I prowled around for a gym, finally settling
on Crunch on 52nd street. It was a quick train or cab ride away and
I loved the hustle and bustle of Midtown. After doing an hour on
the elliptical I decided to do my cool down with a tour of Times
Square. As I was passing and resisting my second cinnamon roasted
nut stand my cell buzzed in the pocket of my yoga pants. It was
John.

"Hey, John!"

I tried to keep my tone light even though I
was sick with what he must have thought about my scene with Julian
last night.

"Hey, Jade. I just wanted to call and check
on you."

His concern was very endearing but I knew
what he really wanted to ask me.

"Oh. I'm good. I just left Crunch and I'm
trying so hard not to wreck my workout at one of these damn street
food vendors." His laughter was evidence that my plan to keep our
conversation light was working and that was great because I did not
want to talk about Julian.

"Are you in Midtown? I just stopped by my
office but I can meet you for lunch. Something healthy of course
keeping your workout in mind and all."

Now it was my turn to giggle.

"Purrfect. I am so hungry I think these damn
roasted peanuts are hitting on me."

More laughter.

"OK, well then meet me at Fresco on
46th."

I looked up to gather that I was on 48th and
7th Ave.

"OK, see you in five."

I arrived at our meeting place first and
grabbed a table by the window so that I could people watch. New
York was filled with so many different characters that you never
knew what to expect. I was enjoying the spectacle of an older
couple arguing as they gradually moseyed down the block. The wife
was definitely not pleased with her husband and would jab him with
her cane periodically throughout their conversation.

"You know that's an invasion of privacy,”
John whispered in my ear.

I laughed involuntarily because I was
feeling like a peeping tom.

"Busted! Now that you've uncovered my
voyeuristic tendencies, what are you going to do?"

He flashed a toothy grin.

"Get you some binoculars."  

The woman at the table behind me chuckled
causing us both to burst out in laughter. I studied his tall
muscular body covered by a fitted gray sleeveless T-shirt and
matching gym shorts. This was the first time I had seen him without
a suit on and I couldn't decide how I liked him better. His hair
was casually slicked back making him look even younger than his
thirty years of age. He sat down putting his blackberry on the
table and grabbing a menu.

"You look like the blackberry type," I
teased.

He peered at me over the top of his menu
raising an eyebrow in question.

"I hope you plan on explaining what the
blackberry type looks like. I need to know this in case I ever have
to go incognito. Can't have my damn phone giving me away."

And he is Funny.

"Well, you know, the one handed user, so you
need a phone with buttons,” I teased.  

This time he raised both eyebrows and put
his menu down.

"Can I please get clarification on the 'one
handed user' segment of that last statement? I don't want to jump
to any conclusions, but I'm beginning to think that you have a
filthy little mind over there," he joked.

I narrowed my eyes in mock anger.

"Excuse me sir, I believe there is only one
filthy mind at this table and it is not mine."

He picked his menu back up.

"The lady doth protest too much
methinks..."

I tried to repress my giggle as I continued
my defense.

"Will you be buying me a new pair of
binoculars or letting me borrow your own?"

He leaned back in his chair pulling the menu
back up over his eyes.

"I plead the 5th."

I imitated him leaning back to study my own
menu.

"Uh huh. Just like a lawyer."

The woman behind me chuckled again.

The remainder of our lunch date was filled
with more light banter and laughs. I was starting to marvel at my
luck for meeting such great people in my short while here. In the
middle of a conversation about which Angler band member had the
hots for me, my phone buzzed loudly on the table. I looked at it
hesitantly then bounced in my seat with delight when I saw that it
was Andrew.

"Baby boy!" I pronounced the boy like bwoy
in a bad Jamaican accent. That was my usual greeting to my
brother.

I saw John's face crinkle in amusement and
slight curiosity at my changed accent.

"Hey Jade. Are you busy?" His voice was way
too heavy for this to be a call to say I love you.

"Uh oh, that doesn't sound like this is
going to be good at all. Yeah, I'll call you when I get home." I
hung up wondering what could have him sounding so down. I glanced
at John who was looking down impassively toying with his plate.

"Boyfriend?" He asked still not looking at
me.

I smiled. "No, brother. I don't have a
boyfriend."

That hurt to say, but it was the sad truth.
After last night, I didn't know where things with Julian stood.

John looked at me then with a hint of
suspicion in his eyes. "So last night, the Dark Knight wasn't your
guy?"

I laughed at his impression of Julian. "No,
John. The Dark Knight isn't my guy."

His disposition changed visibly but he still
questioned me. "So, he's just a guy who wants to be your guy?"

I like his sense of humor.

"I plead the fifth."

"I'm sure," He replied with a chuckle.

"So what about you? Are you single?" I
asked.

"Unequivocally so," he replied.

"Unequivocally," I said mocking his emphatic
answer. "And why is that? You have got to be one of the most
eligible bachelors in the entire city."

John narrowed his eyes at my sarcasm before
shrugging it off.

"I guess it's just not at the top of my list
of priorities right now," he explained.

"Oh boy... Don't tell me you're one of those
'I don't do relationships' types," I said with a heavy roll of my
eyes.

"No. I do relationships. I'm just not doing
one right now. Trust me, I have my reasons."

Before I could get into it any further, the
server stopped by our table with the bill. John snatched it up
before I could even suggest that we split it. And, I couldn't wait
to get home and call Drew back, even though I hated to cut lunch
short with John. I had the feeling he wanted to spend more time
with me, but the uncharacteristic tone of my brother's voice kept
gnawing at me, so I promised him lunch on Monday. After I got home,
I kicked off my shoes and immediately pulled out my phone.

He answered on the first ring.

"Jade, you are not ready for this shit here,
trust me. I want to tell you, but I have this voice in my ear that
says "Don't tell her, Bro" then the other voice says "Please, do
not listen to that other voice". So since it's two against one I
gotta tell you."

Even in the midst of delivering bad news he
could somehow manage to make me laugh. "Just get it over with
already. Please!" I threw myself onto the couch and swung my legs
up over the armrest.

"All right. So last night I'm hanging out at
Mangos. Right?"

I smirked. "But you hate Mangos."

"You're right. I know, but it was for my
coworker's birthday. So I'm there and I'm having a contest with
Henderson trying to find a girl with real tits that was really a
girl."

"OK..."

"So I find a pair-I mean a chick and I'm
like 'Yeah I win.'"

"Congratulations."

"But then I take a better look at baby
girl's face."

"To make sure she's really a girl
right?"

"And it's Colleen."

I laughed hysterically because Drew had had
a crush on Colleen since the first day he laid eyes on her. I
noticed that he wasn't laughing with me.

"Well, it's not so much that it was her, but
more what she was doing and who she was with."

"Oh boy... Who was it?" I was becoming
impatient.

"It was Evan."

Radio Silence.

Poor Andrew sounded more devastated than I
did, but his reaction was more due to the fact that he didn't know
how I was going to handle this and he wasn't able to be here for
me. And even though he was absolutely right I consoled him enough
to get off of the phone so that I could face my feelings the way
that I did best.

Alone.

Andrew was only a baby when our mother
decided she didn't want to be our mother anymore. It took a year
for me to give up on my dreams of her coming back to us and decide
to forget how she smelled when she hugged me, or how she used to
sing to us or that she used to do my hair like hers. As the phone
calls dwindled I forgot how beautiful her voice was.

It only took me two more years to get people
to stop comparing me to her because I saw her every time I looked
in the mirror. At six years old I knew my mommy wasn't coming back
and I was alone. This was that kind of pain, dull and lingering.
Pulling my emotions into a black hole. At a young age I had turned
my back on my emotions because they were too hard to deal with. How
do you ever get over the fact that your mommy didn't love you
enough to take care of you? From that day on the word love was
meaningless to me.

I sat there on the floor with my knees
pulled up close against my chest with a bottle of Hennessy and
listened to Jill Scott's Hear My Call as I stared out at the Hudson
River and let the tears roll silently down my face.

*

I really didn't hear when my buzzer went off
because I had stopped hearing much of anything ten shots into my
cognac binge. But now I could hear my name and it was really
bugging me that I kept hearing it over and over and over. Somehow
John managed to rouse me out of my brown liquor induced coma and I
stared at him without recognition for a few moments until I
remembered what day it was, where I was and how I had felt before I
stopped hearing things. His face looked somber as he tried keeping
me awake and I closed my eyes to keep from crying again but it
didn't work.

"What are you doing here?" I was truly
unhappy with him being here crashing my 5 star pity party.

"Jackie called me. Your brother called her
and she called you, but when you didn't answer she called me
because she couldn't leave the shop. She wanted me to check on you.
I hadn't really planned to come in, but when I rang your buzzer so
many times and you didn't answer I got worried. When I opened the
door and saw you on the floor, I have to admit, wasn't a great
feeling at all. I could tell you were breathing despite the more
than half empty bottle next to you. So now I'm here sitting on the
floor with you."