Jane Bonander (16 page)

“If…if you had touched me, then what?”

“I don’t know, Dinah. I honestly don’t know.”

Tristan’s clever ploy to keep Dinah safe from her uncle had backfired on him. He couldn’t keep her here for five more days without making her his, much less five years.

Closing his eyes, he pressed his knuckles against his lids. How stupid was he, anyway? What made him think he could do this with any woman? The initial agreement had been absurd. It had looked good on paper; in theory it was generous. In reality, it was unfair, and God, so damned stupid. Lucas had known this, but Tristan had been too arrogant to listen. Had he thought he could simply give a woman his name, then ignore her for five years? Had he imagined he could live like a monk for that length of time?

He knew he would not. But he’d fancied finding a lusty mistress to care for his needs. Did he once think about the woman? Had he imagined she would be so sexless that she would agree to be his wife in name only for five damned years and not want anything from him in return but the money? He cursed again, dredging up vile words that fitted his mood.

And to have that woman be Dinah, of all people. Dinah, who had already lived through one hell and was prepared to live through another with him. Dinah, who was so insecure she slept with a tattered teddy bear. Dinah, who had been so starved for decent food she’d hoarded it in her room, afraid she would go hungry. Dinah, who had only asked that someone care for her.

God, but he was a fool. His motives for marrying her might have been arrogantly noble, but the underlying truth was, he’d wanted to. He’d wanted her. His lust had ruled, and because of it, she would never have the life she deserved. The love she deserved. But he had the ability to change that, now, and he would.

What a cocky bastard he’d been to think he was the answer to any woman’s prayers. How blinded he’d been by his own self-worth. His own, pompous, stupid self-worth.

Suddenly, he felt restless. He had to leave. The timing was bad, but Lucas could continue with the planting. There was not much left to do, and Lucas had excellent rapport with the children.

But what of the peddler? His imagination had run away with him, that’s all. No one knew Dinah was here. David had assured him of that, and the peddler hadn’t returned. If there was a threat, Tristan would have continued to feel it. Or David would have wired him to warn him.

As he finished dressing, he knew what he had to do. He dashed off a note to Alice, explaining where he was going. What he didn’t add, was that he was also going to have his marriage annulled.

Dinah continued to feel empty long into the night. He was going to dissolve their marriage before it had even become one. At first light, she dressed, feeling listless. All of the things she’d done to provoke him seemed petty now. The binder, the trousers, they had been foolish tricks. She’d thought she was so clever, and all the while, she’d been childish. Look where it had gotten her. She’d worried needlessly that when he discovered who she truly was, he’d dump her like bad stew. Sweet Mary, he’d dumped her without even knowing the truth.

She gave herself a cursory glance in the mirror. A few of her new gowns had arrived the evening before. The two-piece ecru silk and cotton she wore now was pretty. It could have been sackcloth and it wouldn’t have mattered. What mattered now was keeping busy so she wouldn’t have to think about what he was going to do. She couldn’t stop him, but she wouldn’t make it easy. Once he freed her, he would undoubtedly expect her to leave.

Whether he believed it or not, she was needed here. Emily needed her, and Dinah saw a great need with the children. How had he expected them to be cared for? Surely he knew that Alice couldn’t do the job, and Leeta had a family of her own.

Children weren’t stick people that he could stack in a corner when he didn’t have time for them.

She left her room, taking the stairs to the kitchen. “Good morning, Alice.”

“What’s good about it?” Alice removed a cloth and punched her bread, the dough making sucking sounds as it adhered to her fists.

“Oh-oh, someone got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning.” Dinah went to the table and poured herself a cup of tea.

Alice nodded toward the counter. “I was fine until I read that note.”

Dinah took her teacup and crossed to the counter. The note was from Tristan, and even before she read it, her stomach churned. After reading it, she tried to hide her disappointment. “He’s gone? To his brother’s?”

“Ya sure. Must have left before dawn, because I’ve been up since five.”

“Did you know about this?”

Alice shook her head. “Probably a spur-of-the-moment decision. Can’t understand it, though. He only goes off like this when he’s upset, and it’s been a while since the last time.”

Dinah’s stomach continued to churn. It was because of her. Telling Alice he was going to see his brother was an excuse to get away from her. Dinah had no doubt that he would visit his mistress. She was innocent and naïve, but she knew that men had their needs, and obviously, she thought, her chest hurting, he didn’t want her to satisfy his. She also had no doubt that when he returned, they would no longer be married.

“How long was he gone the last time?”

“Oh, a couple of days. No more than a week.” Alice heaped hot cereal into a bowl, sprinkled it with sugar, and doused it with cream. “You’d best eat something, girl. You’ll need your strength. When Emily discovers he’s gone, she’s going to throw a royal fit.”

Dinah slid into a chair and stirred her cereal with little enthusiasm. “What are the children supposed to do today?”

Alice gave her a tired sigh. “I don’t know, but I have enough to do just keeping them fed. Entertaining them isn’t my responsibility.”

She sounded upset; Dinah knew the cause. “I’ll find Leeta and see what she wants me to do: I’m sure I can be of some help.”

“I don’t know why Tristan would go off like this, especially now that the children are here. It isn’t like him to be so irresponsible.”

When he returned, Dinah promised herself, she’d tell him the truth. Better late than never. She should have admitted it last night. After all, he’d bared his soul, she should have done the same.

In spite of everything, she should have insisted that he stay with her so she could talk with him, but he’d seemed angry and remote, and she’d been afraid to ask.

Now, it was probably too late. For all she knew, he could be out hiring a replacement for her at this minute—after he’d warmed himself between his balloon-breasted whore’s thighs.

Her thoughts were petty, but as long as she kept them to herself, she didn’t care.

Julia snuggled deeper into the bedding and rolled toward her husband. He put his arm around her and drew her close.

“The clock just struck four, Mac.”

Early in their marriage Julia began calling him Mac. Years ago, when he’d asked her why, she’d told him that Wolf had been wild and dangerous, but Mac was the man she’d grown to love. “I don’t have to get up for an hour.” He nuzzled her ear.

“I know, that’s why I mentioned it.” She smiled into his shoulder. “If we’re quiet, the girls won’t hear us.”

He reached under her gown and touched her, making an appreciative sound. She moved her legs apart.

“I don’t like it quiet. I like it noisy.”

She chuckled, drawing in a breath as desire warmed her. She’d been ready for him before she woke.

“I’ll never get tired of loving you.” He hiked up her gown and pulled her on top of him; he was ready, too. “I’d slay dragons for you.”

Contentment oozed from her. “There you go, sounding like a savant, again.”

His hands roamed beneath her nightgown, snaking to her nipples. He rubbed one and then the other. “Ah, another one of those words that gets me all hot.”

She laughed softly, then made a purring sound in her throat as she straddled him.

“You sound like a cat in heat.” One hand dipped low, stroking her where their bodies joined. “I like it.”

“Lord, I’d better not be.” She shuddered with desire and moved, allowing for deeper penetration. No longer able to speak, she concentrated on loving her man. When she felt herself coming, she tugged at him and he rolled over, entering her the old-fashioned way.

They rode the crest of their passion together.

Afterward, she clung to him, threading her fingers through his inky hair. “We’d be insane to have another child with Joanna and Joy barely a year old.”

He breathed hard to catch his breath. “Not to mention Marymae and Bethany.” He no longer thought of Marymae and Beth as being Julia’s sister’s children. He stroked her behind. “I love your ass, woman.”

Her chuckle started deep in her throat. “You always have.”

“I always will,” he promised.

From far away, she heard one of the twins began to cry. “Joy’s awake.”

He cursed gently. “How in the devil can you tell?”

“I just can.” Footsteps followed, passing above them. “She’s gotten Mattie up.”

“Thank the good Lord for your salty Aunt Mattie. If she hadn’t decided to stay, we’d have had to search for a nurse. Or a nanny. Four children under the age of three is too much work for any woman, but especially for the woman whose ass I’ve admired since the first time I saw her.” “Hmmm. And, just who might that be?”

“Aw, some prickly farmer’s daughter whose charms weren’t discovered until I came along,” he teased.

“How lucky for her that you did.”

He kissed her, his tongue sweeping the inside of her mouth. “Damned lucky, I’d say.”

He was ready for her again. With gentle fingers she fondled him. “Is there time?”

Just then, there was a pounding on the front door. Mac muttered a mild oath. “Who in the hell is up at this hour?” He lit the lamp beside the bed, rose, and jammed his feet into his jeans. “Keep the bed warm, darlin’.”

“Mac?”

He turned, a questioning look on his face.

“I love your ass, too.”

He gave her a hot, half grin, buttoned his fly and pattered from the room in his bare feet.

Tristan felt guilty rousing his brother so early in the morning, but he’d already napped in the barn for a couple of hours with his brother’s dogs. They’d smelled Wolf and Amy on his clothing and had curled up next to him as if he were an old friend.

Halfway here, he’d felt a rush of guilt at leaving Dinah, slinking away like a coward without an explanation. But he knew that if he stayed, he’d be tempted to take her. Tristan realized that his brother might be an old married man, but surely he would agree with Tristan’s decision to have his marriage annulled.

The door opened. Wolf leaned against it, clad only in half-buttoned jeans, a peculiar smile on his face. “Well, well. Now, don’t tell me this is a social visit. Not at this time of the morning.”

Tristan answered the smile. Though they’d been together less than a half dozen times, they were comfortable with each other. “Thought you might need a hand with all of your women.”

Wolf’s grin widened, and he jerked his thumb toward the interior of the house. “Get in here. I’ll rustle up some coffee.”

Tristan followed his brother into the large kitchen. Wolf and his wife had moved from their small ranch to a larger one after the birth of their twins.

He took a seat at the table. “Four girls, Wolf? Four? How in the hell did you manage that?”

Wolf smirked at him over his shoulder while he prepared the coffee. “I’m just doing my job, Tris. Just doing my job.”

Footsteps behind him announced Wolf’s wife.

“By the sounds of it, my love,” she murmured, standing on tiptoes to kiss him, “one would think you produced them all by yourself.” She came to Tristan, took his hands and gave him a warm smile. “It’s nice to see you again, Tristan. We don’t see nearly enough of you.”

Julia was a pretty woman. Not beautiful, by any means, but after meeting her the first time, Tristan understood what had attracted his twin to her. She had a wise, ageless soul, and he saw the love in her eyes every time she looked at Wolf.

He watched as she nudged her husband aside and finished making coffee. “I’m sorry I got here so early, but to tell the truth, I’ve been in the barn with the dogs since two A.M.”

Wolf guffawed. “Something must be really gnawing at you to sink that low.”

“Gnawing like a beaver on a branch.” An image of Dinah’s sweet face floated before his eyes.

Wolf caressed his wife’s neck. “Must be bad if you’re sinking to folksy expressions.”

Julia cleared her throat. “I think I’ll leave you two to mull over Tristan’s problem. Anyway, I’m sure Mattie needs help with the babies.” Before she turned to leave, she said, “There are cinnamon buns in the pie safe, darling. They should satisfy you until breakfast.”

“I’d have been more satisfied if someone hadn’t knocked on the damned door a minute ago.” Wolf gave his wife a leer.

“You’re shameless.” She blushed and left the room.

Both men watched her leave. Warmth stole into Wolfs harsh features and Tristan felt a hard knot of envy.

They exchanged glances.

“You’re missing out on something pretty damned special, Tris.”

Tristan expelled a heavy sigh. “It’s only special if you’re lucky enough to find the right person.”

One side of Wolfs mouth lifted. “So it is. Now,” he said, “what’s on your mind? Let me see,” he continued, stroking his chin. “Can’t be the ranch, you’re richer than God. I can’t help you there. Can’t be Emily. You wouldn’t ride straight through to me for advice on her.”

He pulled the plate of buns from the pie safe and put them on the table, then went to the stove and poured them each a cup of coffee. He set Tristan’s in front of him. “Must be a woman.”

Tristan stared into the steam that rose from the cup. “Emily has a new nurse.”

Wolf straddled a chair and faced the table. “Don’t tell me someone finally broke through to that wintry heart of yours.”

Tristan toyed with the handle on his cup. “That’s not the worst of it.”

“Don’t keep me in suspense.” Wolf crossed his arms over the arching ladder of the chair.

“I married her.”

Wolf tried to stifle his laughter, but he failed. He threw back his head and roared.

Tristan swore under his breath, but he understood his brother’s amusement. From the first time they’d met nearly two years before, Tristan had vowed to remain single forever. “You’re really enjoying this, aren’t you?”

Wolf shook his head and wiped his eyes. “I’m sorry, but if you’d bet me your ranch that this would never happen to you, I’d be a rich man now.”

“It’s not as damned funny as all that,” Tristan groused. “I shouldn’t even be here. I married her to keep her safe from a conniving uncle.”

Wolf sobered immediately. “If you really thought she was in danger, you wouldn’t be here.”

“After I married her, I began to realize what an arrogant, selfish gesture it was. It started out as a simple agreement, one that insured that Emily had continuous care by a capable, compassionate nurse. Hell, people have gotten married for flimsier reasons, haven’t they?” Without waiting for an answer, he added, “She even tried to get out of it, but I wouldn’t let her.”

He swore again. “Why in the hell wouldn’t I let her? My actions make no sense to me at all.”

Wolf studied his brother. “Can I say something?”

“Can I stop you?”

Wolfs quick smile returned. “I’ll tell you this much. I married Julia because without marriage, neither of us would have gotten what we wanted. And besides, her sly old pa made certain we’d tie the knot. But hell, Tris, I wouldn’t have married just anyone. Whether I chose to admit it or not, I wanted her. I didn’t know if I loved her, but I was damned sure I wanted her. What I didn’t know then was that if the seeds of love hadn’t already been there, I wouldn’t have agreed to the marriage even if I’d been promised the moon.”

Tristan muttered a curse of disbelief. “I’m not like you.”

Wolf gave his brother a comforting smile. “Hell. You
are
me. I’m you. As Julia so aptly puts it, God was so pleased with the way I turned out, he made you.”

In spite of himself, Tristan laughed. “Or, the other way around.”

“Not according to Julia.” Wolfs smile was warm. “Now, tell me everything.”

When Tristan finished the whole story, he found Wolf still grinning at him. “Stop that,” he ordered. “You look like a mindless idiot.”

“Staying long?”

Tristan shrugged. “A couple of days, no more. I have things to think about before I go home.”

“You really want to have the marriage annulled?”

Tristan dragged his hand through his hair. “It’s the only thing that makes sense.”

“To you?”

“Of course, to me.”

“What about her?”

“Why would she want to be tied to me for the next five years? What if she fell in love?” The idea sent a bolt of possession through him.

Wolf studied him. “Maybe she already has.”

“With me? Get serious.”

Wolf bit into a cinnamon bun. “Do you want to know what I think?”

“Not really, but I’m sure you’ll tell me.” Tristan’s stomach was in knots.

“I think you’re afraid you won’t be able to keep yourself from making love to her. And if you make love to her, it means she’s yours, in every sense of the word. Then the marriage will be real, and you’ll be forced to admit how you really feel about her. I think you could easily fall in love with her, and that’s scaring the hell out of you.”

Tristan stood, grabbing the chair before it struck the floor. “You’re crazier than a bedbug.”

“What’s not to love, brother? She sounds perfect. She’s smart, compassionate, and funny. She’s spirited and pretty. She’s a damsel in distress and you’re her rescuing knight on a white horse.”

Tristan shoved his fists into his pockets. “I don’t love her.”

“I don’t believe you.”

“I don’t give a damn what you believe,” Tristan snarled at him.

“How many times have you seen your mistress since Dinah has been with you?”

“I don’t have a mistress.”

Wolf had taken a slurp of coffee; it nearly snorted out his nose. “You mean to tell me you haven’t been with a woman since Dinah showed up on your doorstep? Or, to be exact, in your tree? How long had it been before that?”

“Long enough,” he shot back. “But it’s been my choice. It has nothing to do with her.”

Wolf pulled his shirt off a peg near the stove and shrugged into it. “Then go into town and find someone. Have a good, lusty screw, Tris, because if you don’t, I’m afraid the top of your head will blow off.”

Tristan was beginning to understand his feelings. “I can’t do that.”

“Why not?”

Wolfs expression of innocence was annoying. “I don’t want anyone but her.”

A sneaky smile spread across Wolfs face. “I rest my case.” He slapped his brother on the back. “Come on. You can come and help me with the stock.”

It was dawn when they trudged to the barn, and although Tristan was glad he’d told his brother everything, he wasn’t any closer to making a decision.

He wanted Dinah, he freely admitted it. But wanting someone wasn’t the same as loving them. And every woman you wanted wasn’t going to be the one you loved. Wolf had been lucky. What he’d said had made sense for him. It wasn’t the same for Tristan. Was it?

He stepped into the smoky, stale-smelling saloon. A gnarled, toothless barkeep was behind the bar, wiping glasses with a greasy rag.

“Good morning, good sir.” He gave the barkeep a wide, innocent smile. He knew he did that look well; he’d been cursed with a baby face.

The old man looked up from his chore. “Mornin’ yerself. What kin I gitcha?”

He plunked a shiny half eagle onto the bar.

The old man cackled. “I ain’t got change, mister. And there’s nothin’ in here worth that, unless ya want a bottle.”

“Just some information, friend.”

The old timer gave him a steady look. “Information, huh?”

He glanced around the dimly lit room as if expecting someone to be listening. “I’m on the trail of a woman who killed her husband,” he lied.

The old man’s eyes grew big, but his jaw continued to work as he moved a plug of tobacco to the other side of his mouth. “Naw.”

Nodding, the young man pulled out his press identification and flashed it quickly at the codger. “Police business.”

The barkeep squirted tobacco out of the side of his mouth; it landed on the floor with a splat, near the young man’s foot. “Naw. Really?”

He put his elbows on the bar and leaned in close, trying to ignore the unwashed smell of the bartender.

“Like I said, I’m looking for a woman. If you can help me, there’s another one of these in it for you.” He pushed the half eagle toward him.