Jane's Gift (16 page)

She didn’t want to lose again, especially Christian. She loved him so much. She’d much rather walk away than watch him die.

“Jane.” His voice grew firm. “Do you know how rare this accident is? I swear it. I know guys who’ve worked for CAL Fire for more than thirty years who haven’t even suffered a scratch on the job.”

“But what if it happens again?” Her voice had turned shrill, panicked, and she shook her head.

“You can’t live your life based on what ifs.” His gaze pinned her where she stood, hardening with every quiet second that passed. “So you’re saying you’d rather walk away.”

“I’m a burn victim in love with a firefighter. Do you not see the irony here, Christian?” She laughed but it sounded fake, a little crazed. “It would probably never work in the long run.”

“You’re not willing to give it a try, even though you love me.”

“I’m not ready for this.” She paused and spoke the truth. “I’m too scared.”

“I’m scared, too,” he whispered, and she could tell the admission surprised him. But he continued on. “I’ve never felt this way about anyone before. I don’t know what happens next, but I’m willing to give it a try. Aren’t you?”

“I don’t know.” She shook her head again. She felt as if she couldn’t stop shaking her head. “I don’t know.”

“What we have is real.” His low, husky voice reached for her heart, twisted it with his words, and left it a quivering, broken mess.

He was right. It was real. But it was also risky. And she wasn’t sure she could take any more risks—she’d used up all of them already.

She had children she needed to be strong for. Bringing another man into their life was good, but not a man who could disappear just like their daddy had. More than anything, she didn’t want her children to suffer like that again, ever.

Jane had to do this. She had to end it.

“I can’t do this,” she whispered again as she stepped away from the bed. “I love you, Christian, but I just…can’t.”

And without another word, without letting him say anything to convince her otherwise, she walked out of the room.

She didn’t look back.

Chapter Seventeen

’Tis the season to be jolly

fa la la la la

la la la la

It was so not the season to be jolly. At least, not for Jane. The Christmas carols on constant rotation set her teeth on edge. Her children’s palpable excitement made her head ache and she wanted to drown her frustrations in the homemade fudge her sister had given her.

Not quite the Christmas Eve she’d envisioned.

“Mom, is Captain Nelson coming tonight?” Logan asked, zinging her right in the heart.

“I don’t think so, honey,” Jane admitted, glancing up in time to see the disappointment flare in her son’s eyes.

“Why not?” Lexi asked, a little smirk curling her lips. “Did we scare him away?”

“Was that your plan?” Jane glared at her daughter, anger rising within her. She rarely yelled, had hardly confronted Lexi since she started seeing Chris.

But this was the final straw.

Lexi visibly recoiled. “No. I wouldn’t do that, Mama.”

“You act like you would. Why do you hate him so much?”

“I don’t hate him.” Lexi’s bottom lip trembled. “I don’t hate him at all. I just don’t…don’t want you to spend all your time with him and forget about us.”

“Oh, Lex.” Jane went to her now crying daughter and drew her into her arms, hugging her close. They stayed that way for a while, until Lexi finally composed herself and offered a meek apology. Jane apologized as well and Lexi returned her attention to the television.

Jane rubbed the back of her neck. The holidays were making her tense. The way she’d dealt with Chris didn’t help and for once in her life, she would be ecstatic when Christmas was over.

The end of the year couldn’t come fast enough.

When Logan started chasing Sophia around the Christmas tree and nearly knocked it over, Jane couldn’t take it any longer. She walked out of the room, away from the television blaring yet another cartoon holiday special, away from her children who were now fighting over who would have the biggest wrapped present at Grandma’s house. She went into her bedroom, into the connecting bathroom, and shut and locked the door.

Her children could deal without her for a few minutes. She desperately needed the peace and quiet. Times like this made her steal moments in the bathroom, one of the only spots in the house that had a locking door.

If that door wasn’t locked, her children would be barging through it in less than…

“Mom!” Lexi pounded on the door, her little voice full of frustration. “Let me in! Logan is trying to open the presents!”

“Tell Logan to keep his paws off those gifts or he won’t have anything to open tomorrow.” Jane sighed, hated hearing the anger in her tone. They said the holidays brought out the worst in people, and she was afraid she was turning into one of those people.

It was her fault. She should’ve never done what she did to Christian. Should’ve never said the horrible, wretched things she had to the man she loved. The man she
still
loved.

At his time of need, she’d walked out on him like some sort of coward. She’d tried to make herself feel better—heck, even Mindy had tried to make her feel better by pointing out how scared she was of hospitals. And fire. Oh yes, and tragedy. Anyone in her shoes would’ve reacted the same way, Mindy told her.

Jane didn’t think so. And the condemnation she saw in Mac’s eyes when she came upon him in the hallway after leaving Chris’s hospital room only confirmed it.

She’d hurt Chris, probably beyond measure. And there was nothing she could do about it now. He didn’t want to hear what she had to say, the excuses she would make for her behavior. Would she want to listen to herself after doing what she’d done? Any apology would only sound weak, without meaning.

It was best she stay home and sulk. This was supposed to be the Christmas where she made it magical, but instead, she’d ruined it. Ruined it for her and therefore ruined it for her children.

She’d ruined it for Chris, too.

She was selfish. Never before had she thought of herself that way, but it was true.

Tears pricked the corners of her eyes and she swiped at them with the tips of her fingers. Crying was useless. Feeling sorry for herself even more so. She needed to pick up the pieces and make this right for her children. Focus on their joy and work on hers later.

She’d originally planned to spend tonight at home. With Christian. But after her outburst at the hospital, she knew that wasn’t going to happen and she didn’t want to be alone. Considering Mindy felt the same way and didn’t have her boys until tomorrow morning as per the temporary agreement with Marty, they’d decided to get together later. Patrick, Lyssa, and their children would also join them. But Mac had politely declined her invitation. Jane had a feeling he was mad at her for what she’d done to his friend.

Well, fabulous. He could join the club.

Their parents were busy putting everything together for tomorrow. Her mother was baking and cooking and creating so much chaos in the kitchen, Jane was glad she wasn’t there. Her poor father had been stuck with cleanup duty. Then, family from all over would congregate at the McKenzie household tomorrow afternoon to celebrate the season.

Jane almost didn’t want to go. Didn’t want to face everyone, many of them relatives she hadn’t seen since before the accident. Mac would be distant toward her and probably tell their siblings what she’d done. How she’d turned on a good man because of her fears.

This time the tears did come, and she let them fall, blinking so hard they stuck to her lashes. A deep, trembling breath sounded in her lungs and she closed her eyes, wishing the empty feeling away.

She was being stupid. She should go to him. Maybe after the holidays, after everything settled down, she would visit Chris, see if he’d hear her out. Tell him how much she loved and missed him. But the thought of him spending the holidays alone broke her heart. She should go to him now. Or tomorrow, before she went to her parents…

The doorbell sounded, chiming “Jingle Bells,” and then Mindy’s voice rang in greeting, bright and cheery. Way too cheery. Jane knew her sister was barely holding it together. The first Christmas without Marty, the first Christmas Eve without her boys. Despite that they hadn’t gotten along, Mindy still loved and missed Marty.

Well, now the both of them were in a fine mess.

Composing herself, Jane followed the chatter to the kitchen where she found Mindy unwrapping a plate of various cookies, the children diving in and grabbing them by the handful.

“Hey, hey, two each and that’s it.” Jane swatted their hands away, making them drop the fistful of cookies they’d grabbed. She glanced up at Mindy, who was already nibbling on a red frosted star-shaped sugar cookie. “How many of these have you made?”

Mindy shrugged. “Too many. I can’t stop. I’d rather bake than think about what a crappy Christmas this is.”

“Min.” Jane glared at her, flicked her head toward the kids who watched the adults with wide eyes. “It’s not so bad, remember?”

“Right. Not so bad at all.” The sarcasm was extra thick. “What’s for dinner?”

“Tacos.” Jane smiled when the kids groaned. They hated the idea of tacos on Christmas Eve.

“How—festive.” Mindy didn’t look too thrilled with it, either.

“I know, right?” Jane feigned ignorance and snatched a cookie from the plate. “I’m all about the easy tonight.”

The kids ran out of the kitchen once they’d finished gorging on cookies and Mindy shot her a speculative glance. “Are you all right?”

“Never better.” The smile grew, bright and false, and it hurt the corners of her mouth.

“Liar.” Mindy shook her head. “Why don’t you at least call him?”

“I thought about it. But he probably won’t listen to me.”

“You’ll never know unless you give him a chance.”

“Why should he give
me
a chance? I flipped out, Min. I stomped all over his heart and said the worst, the rudest things imaginable. If I were him I would never want to see me again.”

“He’s in love with you.”

“I’m sure he got over that real quick.” But Jane didn’t know if she’d ever get over it.

“People can’t turn off their emotions like a switch,” Mindy pointed out.

Jane arched a brow. “Marty seems to have done a good job of it.”

Mindy winced. “Nice one.”

“God, Mindy, I’m so sorry.” Jane pressed her trembling fingers over her mouth. “See? I’m even rude to you, my own flesh and blood. Maybe I should spend Christmas completely alone. It’s what I deserve.”

“No, you definitely don’t have to spend this holiday alone. I think you need us more than ever.” Mindy went to her and enveloped her in a hug. “See? If I can forgive you for that callous remark, certainly Chris can forgive you for stomping all over his heart.”

“Yeah, but you’re my sister. We offend each other constantly.” Jane held onto Mindy tight and closed her eyes. “I’m really sorry. That was uncalled for.”

“You’re forgiven. And unfortunately, you’re not too far off the mark. Marty seems to have forgotten we were together for almost twelve years.” Mindy moved away from her and grabbed a piece of fudge from the plate. “I love fudge.”

“My butt loves your fudge, too.” Jane gave it a light slap. “I swear I’ve gained five pounds with all the goodies you send our way.”

“Good, you need it. I, on the other hand, am turning into a fat pig. New Year’s resolution number one—go on a diet and start exercising.” Mindy made a checkmark in the air.

Jane didn’t believe in New Year’s resolutions—she never followed through with them anyway—but she wasn’t about to rain on her sister’s parade. Instead, she took a small piece of fudge and popped it into her mouth, letting the rich chocolate melt on her tongue.

“I saw Chloe earlier at the store. Said you gave her one of your aprons as an early Christmas present and she loved it,” Mindy said, her voice deceptively casual.

Jane shrugged. “I’ve made a few.” In truth, she’d been sweating over them late into the night, yet pleased with the results. All the women in her family were getting one as a present.

“That’s great, Jane. You should consider opening an Etsy page or offering them to the gift shops to sell,” Mindy suggested. “I remember the ones you used to make. They were amazing. You’re really talented.”

Her sister’s words meant more to her than she could say. And she
did
need a focus besides cleaning the house and taking care of the kids. Maybe…

The doorbell chimed again, its annoying rendition of “Jingle Bells” clanging away, and Jane brushed her hands together, heading toward the front door.

“Who’s that?” Mindy asked.

“Probably Patrick and Lyssa,” Jane called over her shoulder. She walked by the living room, saw that the kids were congregated once more around the television. Watching yet another Christmas movie, this one involving Disney characters. She absolutely could not wait for December twenty-sixth.

Opening the door, she sing-songed, “Merry Christmas!” as loud as possible to her brother and sister-in-law in greeting.

But it wasn’t Patrick and his wife standing on her doorstep.

It was Christian, so gorgeous it was hard to look at him. She drank him in greedily, her gaze doing a quick sweep. The bandage around his head was gone, though she caught sight of a healing gash across his forehead, and his left wrist was in a cast.

He had something slung over his shoulder—a giant red velvet bag. And such a serious expression on his face, though his eyes glowed with appreciation when they lit upon her.

“Merry Christmas to you, too, Jane.” His husky voice wrapped all around her, making her shiver, and she blinked once, twice.

Yep, he was real. And still standing on her doorstep.

“Christian.” She hesitated. “How are you?”

“I’m good. Gotta wear this cast for a couple of weeks but I’m doing a lot better.” He waved his left hand at her, showing off the plaster.

“I…I’m so glad.” She didn’t know what to do or say next. Beg his forgiveness, throw herself at his feet, and ask for mercy? Send him away?

No. He had come to her, which must mean he wanted to see her. Maybe talk to her. And maybe he’d become consumed with the Christmas spirit. He was, after all, carrying a sack that rivaled Santa’s.

“Can I come in? I’m letting in all the cold air.”

“Oh. Yes.” She opened the door wider and he walked inside, his rich, masculine scent making her nose twitch, her body yearn for his.

Chris turned to face her, watching as she slowly shut the door. “How are you, Jane?”

She decided to be honest. “I’m…not so good.”

His eyes flickered, the golden color darkening to a warm honey, and he pressed his lips together. “Me neither.”

“Christian, I—”

The kids chose that moment to run into the entryway, all three of them excited to see him. Even Lexi, her reluctant Lexi, shot Jane an odd look before she called a soft greeting to Chris.

“What’s in the bag?” Logan shouted. He had presents permanently on the brain.

“Oh, I have a few Christmas gifts. Nothing special.” Chris shrugged and his attitude drove the children even crazier.

Mindy stood in the living room as all five of them made their way in. The surprise at seeing Chris was written all over her face. “Well, hi.”

“Hey, Mindy.” He went to the tree and set the bag down. The kids all surrounded it, making lots of
ooh
and
ahh
noises. Apparently it was taking everything they had not to dive into the bag and dig through.

“Uh, yeah…” Mindy glanced around the room and clapped her hands, summoning the children. “Hey you guys, let’s go to the kitchen for a few minutes and let your mom and Chris talk.”

“But I wanna open the presents,” Logan wailed. Sophia started to whimper right along with him.

“They’re not going anywhere. I promise,” Chris said and the children silently, reluctantly headed toward the kitchen with their aunt.

“Captain Nelson? Will you stay for dinner?” Lexi asked.

Chris’s expression softened and he nodded, his gaze turning to look at Jane. “I will if your mom doesn’t mind.”