Jay Walking (8 page)

"Things between us aren't working out. I still spend time with the kids. We've been separated about a month now. I'm not sure if we're going to stay together. She knows about ..." He struggles to find the name.

"James, Daniel. His name is James." My God, he can't even remember his name. I'm positive I texted him that.
 

"James, right. Can I see a picture of him?"

He doesn't deserve anything from me, but if after two years he wants a picture, I can give him that, right? I pull out my phone and search through the photos, this fatherless child staring back at me in every shot. Each smile is sincere. James has no idea who Daniel is. Am I hurting him, not allowing Daniel to see him? I find a picture my mom took of James and me, both of us smiling widely. I want him to see not only what an adorable son he missed out on, but that I'm happy, too. I hand him the phone. "Here."

I watch as he looks at my phone, his lip slightly trembling. "He looks like me."
 

"Don't remind me."

He hands me back my phone. "Hey, I'm well aware I screwed up. Big time. I ran when I found out about your pregnancy."

My
pregnancy, as though he had zero involvement. Sure, he took off, but it was
his
pregnancy, too. "You started running since our first night together. I realize that now. If you weren't, you would've broken things off with Lauren immediately."
 

He turns to avoid looking me in the eyes. "I know. The first night I intended as a one-night stand. I never expected to fall in love with you."

"You never loved me." He snaps his head back. "If you did, this conversation wouldn't be necessary." He can't deny the truth. "You never loved her either."

"Don't tell me who I do and don't love. You have no idea how I feel. You haven't lived my life."

"And you haven't stepped a foot into mine as a single parent." Game, set, match.
 

I may be mistaken, but his eyes redden and I think he may begin to cry.
 
He's right. I don't live his life. I also realized after we broke up, I didn't know a thing about him. First and last name. Works in construction. Lives at 316 Fifth Avenue. Thirty years old. End informational report. I knew nothing of his family at the time. Through Facebook stalking I found out his grandfather raised him and recently passed away. Not once did he ever talk about his parents. His sister is estranged. He's basically a stranger.

Daniel scratches his beard. "I'm thinking about us a lot lately."
 

"What us?
We
don't exist."

He crosses his leg, changes his mind, and puts it back down and leans forward into me. His invasion of my personal space forces me to lean back. "What if we gave our relationship another chance? A real, honest chance."

This guy is seriously looking me straight in the eyes like he means what he says. And he's still wearing his wedding ring. I doubt he even knows the meaning of the word honest. As much as I want to, I hold in the laugh desperately trying to escape my body. "You're kidding, right?"

He holds my eyes hostage, seeking approval and claiming desperation. Those eyes once brought a smile to my face. Those hands once touched me gently, making me feel loved, even though every moment turned out to be a lie. Those arms once embraced me, holding me close and bringing me comfort. "No."

The day I thought about for years is here. It arrives on an April evening, the snow melting and exchanging flakes for rain, at a time I finally found peace with myself and think I'm able to move on. "Daniel, are you even hearing yourself? You're still married to Lauren."

"I'll divorce her. We're headed there anyway."

"What about your two babies?"

"I'll still see them. I have a son with you, too."

"The thing is, Daniel, you don't. Not really." There. I said it. "The day you denied James, you lost any claim to be his father. You aren't his father, never have been his father, and, I'm sorry, but you never
will
be."

He stands and begins to circle the couch. "Chelsea, I want to be a part of his life now."

"You don't get to choose that now. You don't get to change your mind. When I got pregnant, you made your choice. No turning back."

"Says who?"

"Me.
I'm
his mom.
I'm
with him every single day and I have
been there
every single day. You can't even remember his name! And bringing you into his life now will just confuse him." Not to mention me as well.

"He's two years old. He doesn't understand I'm not around."

"How can you be sure of that? Right now, my dad is the closest he has to a dad."

"I'm James' father. I have every right to be part of his life."

He does. I can't deny that. But he hurt me.
Badly
. And I don't want Daniel to be around for a few months, and then turn around and leave again. "The thing is, Daniel, I don't think you do." I can't tell him I want him to meet James. No. I won't do that to my little boy. "You and I will never happen again. Not the way you used me. And James, well, forget he ever was your son, because he's not. He's mine, and mine alone."

"I'll fight for him. I'll take you to court."

The words my parents fear. I can't let him bully me, though. He won't do it. If he
does
sue for custody, he'll have documentation of fathering this child, and then it will be something he's forced to deal with the rest of his life. The court will require child support. He'll need to visit James on a regular basis. He'll be committed. I know more than anyone he can't handle that.

I stand up and meet him at the side of the couch. "No, you won't," I say confidently, turn, and this time
I
walk out of
his
life.
 

I toss my keys on the table as I sigh a breath of relief, glad to be over with that conversation, and hoping never to be contacted by Daniel again. It's clear he's still the same type of guy, even willing to feed me the same lies. In the slim chance I
did
want to get back with him, he offered himself to me while still married to Lauren. They're only separated. A divorce isn't imminent. To be honest, I'm not even positive I believe they're separated. He lied to me our entire time together, and he still wears his wedding ring. Who's to say he isn't lying now?

"Chelsea, are you back?" My dad calls from the other room. He comes downstairs sometimes to keep my mom company if she's watching James at my place.

My body tenses up because I know I should tell my parents I met with Daniel. I don't think they can find out on their own, but I don't want to take the chance. I would hate myself if somehow they came across our texts, or it slipped out and I take them by surprise. They're letting James and I live in the downstairs of their duplex rent free, the least I can do is tell them what happened. "Yeah, Dad." I meet both parents in the living room. "I need talk to you."

"Sure, sweetheart, what's going on?" My dad sits on the chair reading the newspaper. Both my parents joined the cell phone era, and even own smartphones, but the one thing my dad refuses to give up is his newspaper. He folds it back up, each crease perfect, and sets it on the coffee table, then plops his feet on the table as well, crossing his arms.

"I got together with Daniel today." I blurt out before I chicken out and lose my nerve.

The vein by his forehead starts to bulge as he yells, "Rose! Are you hearing this?"

My mom puts her hand over her mouth. "No, you didn't, did you?"

"Dad, quiet down," I shush him. "James is sleeping."

I'm not even to the bad part and my dad is piping mad. This won't go well. "He's James' dad. He asked me to come. I thought I owed him at least a visit."

"You don't owe that jackass a thing," my dad says sternly. "What on earth made you think you do? What possessed you to do something so
stupid
?"

I stomp over to the coffee table and stand in front of my dad with purpose, courageous blood coursing through my veins. "I'm an adult. I make my own decisions. I was curious what he wanted, so sue me. He helped create a child as beautiful as James. I needed to go."

"What did he want?" My mom steps in, trying to take a different route to understand my actions.

I find my footing and take a seat on the recliner. "First, he apologized."

My dad shakes his head.

"I didn't accept it. No way." As soon as I tell them the entire story, they'll be proud of me. I don't stand up for myself too often, but since I became a mom, if James is in the mix, I speak up.

"That's my girl," he says. "He didn't want anything else, I hope."

I take a deep breath. "Not quite." Here's what my parents feared. I don't think it will actually happen, but I hate having to tell them. "He wants to be involved."

"I knew it!" My dad hops up and slams his fist on the table so hard it makes
my
hand hurt. "I told you not to give him the time of day, Chelsea. I can't believe you didn't use your head."

I listen to my dad yell at me for seeing the father of my child, and I hate he thinks I did something dumb. I only wanted to listen and decide if I want him in James' life, if it came down to that. "Dad, please."

"Please, what? You made a really asinine move. You're moving along in life just fine without him."

"And I will continue to do so."

"Will you?" My dad starts to pace the room. "What does that even mean?"

"What does that mean, Dad? It means I'll go on with my life. I'll go to work, I'll take care of James. Nothing changes."

My dad stands. "Nothing changes? How can you possibly think that?
Everything
changes! Daniel is going to fight for custody. Your happy life living here with us and James' life is about to be flipped upside down. You aren't going to know what hit you. Pretty soon James will be gone on weekends because he'll be spending time with Daniel. Court-appointed time. Now James is going to be dragged through the system because of what? Because you were
curious
?"

"Honey, stop." My mom puts her hand in the air. My lip quivers and a tear falls from each eye. I didn't think about how it all will affect James other than him having a father. I only tried to focus on the positive side. "I don't think yelling at Chelsea is the answer. Getting upset and calling her names won't resolve anything."

Thank God my mom is a voice of reason. I understand my father is mad, but at this point there is nothing I can do to make things better. I can't turn back time and ignore Daniel's message. Part of me is glad I went because, yes, I was curious. "Dad, don't you think if I
had
ignored him he would've tried to pursue custody anyway? If this is something he truly wants, ignoring him won't change a thing. But, quite honestly, I don't think he is going to do anything."

My dad begins nodding, which makes me happy because then I figure he somewhat agrees with me and I make a little bit of sense. "Okay, yes, you're right. At least now that you heard him out, we can prepare ourselves for what is going to happen."

"Like I said, I don't think there's anything to worry about. I think Daniel's proven time and time again what a coward he is. He claims he's going to divorce Lauren, which also means he'll be dealing with her and their twins. Considering he's been around for them their entire lives, I think he'll try and battle things out with her before even attempting to with me."

My dad walks over to the entryway and leans against the wall. "I don't think we can be too careful. I think I should call our lawyer just in case."

"Do you think that's necessary?" My mother hates confrontation and lawyering up means nothing more to her than confirmation shit's about to go down. "It seems a bit extreme."
 

"I agree with Mom. I think we're jumping the gun a little if we hire somebody."

"Look," my dad says, "I'm not saying we're going to beat him to the punch and sue him or anything. I only think it's best we contact our lawyer for advice and keep him in our back pocket in case things start to escalate and you're served with papers."

This is all happening so fast. I only planned to talk with Daniel. How dumb of me not to realize this is what he wanted! Then he thought he could swoop in and make things better after he used me. He didn't need to get nasty with me for refusing. I may be walking into a trap, but he'll catch up with me anyway if having time with James is what he's after.

"Maybe what we need to do then is let him and James meet."

My dad's eyes almost pop out of his head when I mention it. "Excuse me? You didn't really suggest that."

"Yes, I did, and I don't think it's necessarily a bad idea. I may be able to come to some sort of a compromise with him that doesn't involve a lawyer. Wouldn't you much rather do that?"

My dad wipes at his eyes, exhausted from the conversation. "I can't discuss this anymore. I need to get to bed. That is, if I can even sleep. We'll talk about this another time. I hope before Daniel contacts his own lawyer."

I don't want to spend the next week or month or however long it takes with my dad on my case about this. "I'm tired, too. Contact the lawyer and fill him in on the situation. If his professional opinion is we should hire him, fine. Right now, let's all go on with our lives."

My dad gives me an annoyed thumbs up sign as he walks away. My mom and I exchange sighs. I don't know if we truly can go on about our lives with Daniel lingering in the back of my head. The only thing I
do
know is that I have to try.
 

•••

The next day, Amber and I take advantage of our lunch break and she joins me on a power walk. Screw lunch. I brought an apple and some cashews I can snack on later. Our lunch break is a very strict thirty minutes, but I figure if we keep a decent stride without overdoing ourselves, we can get about a mile in and come back to work and avoid looking like we ran a marathon. As appealing as a marathon sounds, and quite an accomplishment to achieve, I don't think returning to the office a sweaty mess is the best idea.