Jesus Lied - He Was Only Human: Debunking the New Testament (12 page)
Read Jesus Lied - He Was Only Human: Debunking the New Testament Online
Authors: CJ Werleman
Chapter 8:
Zacchaeus, now a broken man, sought the consul of his village peers, but the young Jesus pursued his former teacher mocking and taunting him wherever he went.
“Now let us see who really are the foolish and the wise. I am above you, and if I want to curse you then I will. No one shall stop me.”
Chapter 9:
A few days later, Jesus was playing with some other youngsters in the upper story of someone’s house, when suddenly one of the kiddies falls from the top tier to his death. Oh boy, he’s done it again! All the other children fled the scene when they had seen what happened, and Jesus waited at the house, alone under his bed, until the parents of the deceased child returned home.
The parents accused Jesus of murdering their only son, to which he replied,
“I did not push him!”
But they did not believe him. Jesus then leaped from the roof to where the boy’s body laid on the ground. Jesus yelled out,
“Zeno (the boy’s name), arise from the dead, and tell me, did I push you to your death?”
The boy miraculously came to life and replied,
“No, you did not push me down, but you raised me up.”
Thomas then adds that the boy’s family gave worship to God, and from that day began to praise the young Jesus.
In the event you are keeping score; two killed, one saved.
That said, this raises an interesting character flaw in young Jesus. While he was clearly completely able to circumvent the laws of nature and resurrect this poor lad, apparently one of Jesus’ friends, post being splattered on the ground, he didn’t. It wasn’t until his character was questioned that he decided to ‘raise him up’. Suggesting that God does possess the power to circumvent natural disasters, Hitler, pedophile priests, but doesn’t… not even when his character is questioned.
Chapter 10:
A few days later a young man of the village was chopping wood when the axe caught the instep of his foot, causing blood to shoot out profusely. The five-year-old Jesus pushed his way past the crowd to assist the bleeding man. As soon as Jesus’ laid hands on the man, the bleeding ceased. Jesus turned on his heels and gave the parting words,
“Continue chopping the wood but remember me.”
So much for humility, huh? Actually, I wonder if ‘chopping the wood’ was a euphemism for ‘whacking-off’ and that’s why Jesus, the only gay in the village, wanted the man ‘chopping his wood’ to remember him. These are serious questions.
Chapter 11:
Jesus is now six years of age and is carrying two gourds of water for his mother. I use the term ‘mother’ because Thomas doesn’t even mention her by name. So much for the great lady of the Catholic Church! Anyway, Jesus trips, causing a crack in one of the gourds. Jesus took off his shirt, laid it upon the ground, and poured the contents of water into his shirt before bringing the contents to his mother. Which is Mary, in case you forgot.
Thomas then writes:
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His mother saw what was done, she kissed him; and she kept with herself the mysteries which she saw him do.”
Chapter 12:
Thomas writes a story of a now eight-year-old Jesus that is sowing wheat with his father in the fields. Jesus magically turns one lot of wheat into a hundred measures. With his miraculously produced surplus food, Joseph invites all the poor people of the village to his house so that they may eat. This is obviously a story that echoes the later alleged miracles whereby Jesus feeds the masses with a single loaf of bread and one or two baitfish.
Chapter 13:
Joseph was asked by a rich man of the village to make him a yoke from two beams of wood. Joseph accidentally cut one piece too short to accomplish the task (“measure twice, cut once, dumb-ass”) and in his frustration goes to find his son. Jesus says,
“Father, let me see if I can figure this out.”
Jesus placed his hands on the wood, and the timber magically grew the required length, right there before Joseph’s eyes. Joseph was stunned, embraced his son, and proclaimed,
“Happy I am that God has given me my son.”
Later that evening, after Joseph tells his wife about Jesus’ magical wood lengthening skills, Mary asks her son, on behalf of her all-women’s knitting club, if he is able to provide the same wood lengthening trick on Hebrew men. Not really.
Nonetheless, I am not sure why this wood magic feat would have come as a big surprise given that his father had seem him fashion birds out of mud, earlier.
Chapter 14:
Joseph, although happy with his son’s phenomenal magical powers, was becoming distressed that Jesus had still not learnt how to read or write. So, he sent him to another teacher to learn the Hebrew and Greek alphabets. Similar to the story of the hapless teacher Zaccaheus, Jesus said to his new teacher,
“If you know the alphabet so well, tell me the power of Alpha, and I will tell you the power of Beta.”
The teacher became furious at such insubordination from his trying pupil, and smacked him atop the head with a stick. Jesus rubbed his head in pain, and then cursed him out of vengeance, killing the teacher on the spot with laser bolts from his eyes, like Superman. That’s now three confirmed kills, and is yet to hit his difficult teen years. Brace. Brace. Brace!
Chapter 15:
With one teacher institutionalized, and another dead at the hands of the mischievous young Jesus, it is surprising that a third stepped forward to offer educational guidance for the young prodigy, struggling with his wizardry. Joseph offered a word of warning, however,
“If you have no fear of him, then please take him and teach him.”
On his first day in class and without having learnt more than two letters of the alphabet, Jesus picked up a book of the law, and read the entire Law of Deuteronomy to the class. The classroom was amazed, and
“marveled at the beauty of his teaching and the readiness of his words”,
considering the fact he was so young and uneducated. Knowing his son’s violent history, Joseph became afraid, fearing this new teacher to be headed to a similar fate of his two predecessors. Joseph went to the class to take his child home. But the teacher said,
“Your son is full of grace and wisdom.”
By wisdom I assume he means sociopathic behavior.
Chapter 16:
This is certainly the most revealing chapter of all, in my opinion, outside of the canonized gospels of the New Testament. It not only illustrates a narrative between Jesus and his brother, James, but it suggests that James is the elder of the two. I am sure you see where I am going with this? If James is the elder then how on earth could his mother Mary have been a virgin when she conceived Jesus?
While the passage in question doesn’t say outright that James is the elder, it follows reasonable logic when you read:
“
And Joseph sent his son James to bind fuel and carry it into his house. And the young child Jesus also followed him.”
This is an instruction from father to one son, with the other son following his big strong brother. The reversing of this sentence would hardly make logical sense would it? Would Joseph give orders to the youngest, for a physical task, and the elder followed the younger? No, why would you even suggest that? *High fives all round*.
The story continues with James being bitten on the hand by a snake, Jesus rushes to his aid just in time to save his elder brother’s life. He breathes on the wound and James is immediately healed and the snake’s head spontaneously combusts and Mary gets a nice new pair of snake-leather shoes.
Chapter 17:
Here we learn of Jesus’ second resurrection miracle, as he brings back from the dead a child that had fallen sick and perished. Jesus grabbed the dead boy’s hand, and said,
“I say unto thee, Child, die not, but live and be with your mother.”
Immediately, the boy sat up, laughed and hugged his mother. All the onlookers marveled, and said,
“This young child is either a god or an angel of God.”
Jesus walked off as if what he had just done was no big deal to go play with some nearby children and push them off the rooftops.
Chapter 18:
Jesus starts to get the hang of the raising people from the dead business, as it was only a short time later Jesus walked past a work site to find a man lying dead on the ground. Jesus picked up his hand,
“Arise and get back to work!”
The other workers watching on were naturally astonished, and said,
“This young child is from heaven.”
Naturally! Well, why wouldn’t he be? Duh!
Chapter 19:
Thomas corroborates Luke’s account of Jesus being left at the Temple in Jerusalem during the Festival of the Passover.
So, there you have the Gospel of Thomas, filled with stories of Jesus’ impetuous and bi-polar nature. It really annoys me this book wasn’t adopted by the Council of Nicea as it portrays Jesus as a bad-ass mofo who doesn’t take shit from anyone. This would have only broadened his appeal to weekend rugby players.
ohn the Baptist baptized Jesus in the River Jordan to mark the beginning of his ministry.
A burglar sneaks in a dark bar (after hours) and goes right for the cash register.
A voice calls out, “GOD IS WATCHING YOU”.
He looks all around and sees nothing so returns to jimmying the cash drawer. Again, the voice says, “GOD IS WATCHING YOU”.
The burglar looks around and finally sees a parrot in a cage and says, “Oh, Hi Polly. You startled me.”
“Hey” said the parrot. “My name ain’t Polly. It’s John the Baptist.”
The burglar snorted, “Who in the world named you John the Baptist?”
Parrot says, “The same guy who named that Rottweiler over there, GOD!”
John the Baptist was a fire and brimstone preacher that led a movement of Baptism at the Jordan River in expectation of an ‘end of days’ divine apocalypse. He foretold the arrival of a messiah who would end the Roman occupation of Israel.
He was obviously a big fan of the Old Testament prophets as he very much mimicked their eccentric methods for promoting prophecy and challenging sinful rulers. Mind you, he wasn’t as cool as the Prophet Ezekiel, who ate shit sandwiches for two years to return the Jews to God’s service. Nonetheless, Mark’s Gospel describes him thus:
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John wore clothing made of camel’s hair, with a leather belt around his waist, and he ate locusts and wild honey.” (Mark 1:6 NIV).
Luke is the first to introduce us to John the Baptist, in his narrative of Mary’s conception. He begins his Gospel by describing an elderly childless couple, the priest Zechariah and his wife Elizabeth. As Zechariah is on his knees giving praise to the Almighty in the Temple, he sees the angel Gabriel, who tells him that he and his wife will have a son who will be a great prophet, and will go before the Lord “like Elijah.”
Zechariah returned home to discover his wife had conceived a child. A miracle! Approximately six months later, Gabriel appeared to the Virgin Mary, the cousin of Elizabeth, and told her that she was about to bear a son who would be called “Son of the Most High, a king whose kingdom would never end.” Thus Elizabeth gave birth to John, and Mary gave birth six months later to Jesus. Thus, the two wunderkinds were cousins.
After describing the birth of John, Luke says that Jesus grew and “was in the wilderness until the day of his showing to Israel.”
Central to John the Baptist’s teaching, was the doctrine that one must repent for their sins and beg for forgiveness. The dunking of one in the water was symbolic atonement. This was his baby, he owned this ritual. John the Baptist was Jesus’ New Testament apocalyptic prophet predecessor, as he too promised the world was coming to an end, saying;
“Repent for the kingdom of heaven is near”
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It is he that introduces us the concept of Hell, and the doctrine of eternal torture to Christianity:
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But when he saw many of the Pharisees and Sadducees coming to where he was baptizing, he said to them: “You brood of vipers! Who warned you to flee from the coming wrath? Produce fruit in keeping with repentance. And do not think you can say to yourselves, ‘We have Abraham as our father.’ I tell you that out of these stones God can raise up children for Abraham. The ax is already at the root of the trees, and every tree that does not produce good fruit will be cut down and thrown into the fire.
I baptize you with water for repentance. But after me will come one who is more powerful than I, whose sandals I am not fit to carry. He will baptize you with the Holy Spirit and with fire. His winnowing fork is in his hand, and he will clear his threshing floor, gathering his wheat into the barn and burning up the chaff with unquenchable fire.” (Matthew 3:7-12 NIV)
Got to love those words; “unquenchable fire”, the promise of infinite suffering, right? This becomes a major tenet of Jesus’ teaching thus we will cover more on this heinous, and morally depraved fear mongering in later chapters.
The Synoptic Gospels write that John the Baptist was forewarned by the prophecy of Isaiah (40:3) that Jesus will one day make way for him:
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A voice of one calling in the desert, prepare the way for the Lord, make straight paths for him.”
I hope by now you can see how easy it is to write a biography about someone a hundred years post his or her death. You can even use passages from a book, such as the Hebrew Bible, to harmonize the story to ensure certain events come out right. The prophecy of Isaiah, as the Gospels disingenuously use it, reminds me an old joke:
