Jilted (21 page)

Ellie took a deep breath. ‘It’s all a bit of a blur, but some time this afternoon I realised I still love Flynn. I guess I never stopped.’ Mat nodded as if this were yesterday’s news and waited for Ellie to continue. ‘He’s such a lovely, strong man, but he’s also incredibly charismatic and good-looking.’ She couldn’t help but blush a bit at this confession. ‘For the past ten years, I’ve tried to keep busy – so I wouldn’t think about what life would have been like if I’d stayed, if I’d told him the truth. But really, I’ve thought of nothing else. Coming back here, to the town, to Black Stump, confirms what I always suspected. I never gave up that dream of being married to Flynn, I just repressed it. I thought Hope would make me feel like an outsider, unwanted.’ Feeling herself choking up again, she took
another deep breath. ‘And it did at first, but now that’s passed and I feel as if I’ve come home. Sydney, my career, it all seems like an alternate universe, like this is where I’m meant to be.’

On the one hand, this admission felt like a heaviness had been lifted from her shoulders, but on the other, she now had more weighing her down than ever. Like the prospect of telling Flynn how she felt. And how her life could –
would –
change dramatically, whatever his answer. God, she couldn’t even begin to fathom what Karina would say if she knew.

If Flynn wanted to give their relationship a second chance, she would have to decide what to do about her career. Flynn’s life was in Black Stump; leaving the farm would crush his whole essence and everything she loved about him. But could she really give up acting so easily? It had been her lifeline for so long – the only stable, certain thing in her world – but suddenly it didn’t seem that important. If she got the chance to choose, she knew, with absolute clarity, that Flynn, Matilda, Black Stump, Hope Junction would be the winners. She loved working with the theatrical society, so if she stayed, perhaps teaching was an option. She could do her degree by correspondence and teach at the local school, or even just run private lessons. That way she could keep a hand in her career and be in Hope.

Stop!
Her mind was running full steam ahead to fantasyland, but she couldn’t jump on board just yet. Maybe never. Despite Flynn still feeling something for her – the chemistry between them had undeniably sizzled – he was fighting it. Every time they started talking deeply, getting close, he withdrew or changed the subject. Or her bloody phone rang.

‘You’re not listening to a word I’m saying, are you?’

Ellie blinked, realising she’d been in a trance. ‘Nope. I had no idea you were even talking.’

Mat snorted, but there was a certain understanding in her voice. ‘Love will do that to you every time.’

With those words, Ellie realised she’d never asked Matilda about her own loves. She must have had a few in her time – she wouldn’t be surprised if she’d had one in each port – and it seemed strange now that they’d never covered this ground. She wanted to ask, but –

‘I’ve had a few special men in my life, you know,’ Mat announced.

Ellie knew better than to be surprised by Mat’s telepathy. ‘You’ve never mentioned them,’ she said.

Matilda settled back into the cushions. ‘Most of them were long ago. Just flings in my late teens and early twenties, but there was one …’ She took a moment, clearing her throat before continuing. ‘He ruined me for anyone else. He’s not easy to talk about.’

It sounded dramatic but Ellie understood. She’d been on odd dates in Sydney – trying to prove to herself that she’d recovered from the nightmare in Perth. But it wasn’t that memory that stopped her getting intimate with anyone else; it was her comparing every suitor to Flynn.

‘I’d like to hear about him,’ she said.

Mat nodded and gestured to the now-empty mugs on the table. ‘And I would like to tell you, but we’ll need a refill. This is not a short story.’

Ellie stood and picked up the mugs. ‘I’ll be right back.’

Five minutes later, they were both settled on the couch again, one at each end, Matilda’s ankle propped up on a burgundy-and-gold pouf. Ellie had also brought in a box of chocolates, and rested it between them. In her limited opinion, it was always good to have ample chocolate options when discussing loves lost. Mat took one immediately, unwrapped it, smoothed out the paper and then carefully chewed it before speaking.

‘His name was Tom. And he was my first love. We were in high school together. Crazy about each other. I can blame him for
never becoming the doctor or lawyer my parents hoped I would. Having my tongue down his throat was far more interesting than having my nose in a book.’

Ellie sniggered and took a sweet. She popped it in her mouth and sucked off the chocolate while Matilda continued.

‘He was younger than me by a year but not to look at. He was so … built, so charismatic.’ Ellie couldn’t help but notice that Mat used the same word she’d used for Flynn. ‘We stayed together through my last year of high school, and then his, but then he got a scholarship for a university in Melbourne, and I was in my second year of English in Perth. We decided it would be best to try and see other people.’ She paused. ‘Okay, he decided. It broke my heart, especially when, as we kept in touch and stayed friends – best friends – he wrote to me about girls he’d take to the theatre and to swanky restaurants. Still, through all his liaisons, I was his only constant. And he mine. As I said, best friends. I held on to the hope that one day he’d realise we were meant to be together. Forever.’

‘But he didn’t?’ Hearing about Mat’s broken heart almost felt as if it were happening to her.

‘Oh yeah, he did,’ Mat nodded, confusing Ellie. ‘But by that time, I was engaged to Dougal.’

‘
Dougal?
Hang on, you were married?’

‘Don’t sound so surprised,’ Mat tsked.

‘Nothing should surprise me about you, but it does. Why hasn’t anyone ever mentioned it? Did Rhiannon know?’

‘It was long before I landed in Hope. Everyone here assumes I’m a crazy old spinster, and I have quite a lot of fun playing that part.’ Her smile was a little bit wicked. ‘And sure, your mother knew. Dougal was a mutual family friend, but Rhiannon wasn’t interested in anyone’s romances but her own.’

‘Don’t I know it.’ Ellie didn’t bother to hide the bitterness in
her voice. ‘Forget Rhiannon, I want to know more about Tom, and Dougal.’ She crossed her legs.

‘I started seeing Dougal when I realised Tom was a lost cause. Dougal was five years older than me. He was a lovely, kind-hearted banker, but not very exciting. He didn’t ever make me
feel
the way Tom did. But I wanted to have a family, kids, a house and a picket fence, so I gave Dougal a chance. When he asked me to marry him, I settled. I said yes.’

Ellie’s mouth gaped. She couldn’t imagine Matilda settling for anything. ‘You didn’t love him?’

‘No, I certainly loved him.’ Matilda nodded insistently. ‘I loved him like a good friend, a family member, but not like you should love the one you spend the rest of your life with. I wasn’t on fire for him.’ She took a sip of hot chocolate. ‘Don’t look so surprised, lots of people marry for the wrong reasons. And most of us aren’t gutsy enough to run out on a wedding once the dress is bought and invitations are sent.’

Ellie shut her mouth and ignored the reference to herself – she didn’t think leaving Flynn had been gutsy; it had been a coward’s way out. ‘So what happened? Where’s Dougal now? What happened to Tom?’

Mat held up a hand. ‘One question at a time, girl.’ She took another chocolate and Ellie tried to control her impatience while Matilda ate it. ‘Okay, so three weeks before the wedding, Tom came back to Perth and begged me to break off my engagement to Dougal. He said he loved me with all his heart, always had, and couldn’t live without me.’

‘Aw.’ Ellie’s spine tingled at the romance of it.

‘His declaration made me miserable, shattered my heart into a zillion pieces. Dougal was a good man. If I left him, it would break his heart too. I couldn’t bear to do that. So, yes, I married him. I settled. Eventually, we found out that I couldn’t have children.
And our marriage, built as it was on shaky foundations, crumbled. Our separation was a mutual decision, but by the time it was legal, Tom had married someone else.’

‘Oh, Mat.’ Ellie reached out a hand and squeezed her godmother’s, blinking to stop the tears. She knew all too well the double heartbreak Mat had been through. ‘Did you keep in contact with Tom?’

Matilda shook her head. ‘Too painful. But we have friends in common. I hear about him. He had kids, made a good career as a geneticist and became a widower two years ago.’

‘His wife died?’ Ellie sounded happier than she probably should have.

‘Cancer.’

Despite the tragedy of it, Ellie couldn’t help feeling a little bit excited for Mat. She imagined the lovebirds getting back in touch and making a life together. Better late than never, right? The way Mat spoke about this man, Ellie knew she still had feelings for him.

‘Why didn’t you contact him?’

‘He needed time to get over his loss.’

Ellie raised her eyebrows. ‘Two years? Come on … let’s google him, try and find his phone number.’ She unfolded her legs, and was leaping up to fetch her iPhone when she felt Matilda’s firm grip on her arm.

‘No.’ The word was like a gunshot.

Ellie flopped back against the couch, disappointed. ‘Are you sure?’

‘Yes.’ Her godmother’s voice was shaky but her words were clear. ‘Some things are better left in the past. He has a family – kids, grandchildren – me suddenly appearing in his life could disrupt what he holds nearest and dearest. It’s different for you. I told you about Tom because I wish, more than anything, that I’d followed
my heart. I should have left Dougal and gone with Tom. I should have been honest with everybody.’ She paused and looked seriously into Ellie’s eyes. ‘You have that chance. You’ve been honest with yourself, but can you be honest with Flynn?’

Chapter Eighteen

That Saturday, after the game (another Hurricanes loss), Flynn, Rats and a group of mates piled into a school minivan (driven by one of the footy-playing teachers, Simon) and headed north-west, bound for the big smoke. Normally, Flynn would have been uneasy about two nights of drinking and partying – it was Rats’s bucks’ weekend – knowing he’d be the only one sober, surrounded by temptation, but today he relished the opportunity to get away from Hope, to put some distance between himself and Ellie.

Since their near kiss by the shearing shed, he’d thought about precious little else. And he couldn’t afford to be distracted at the moment. Following the success of the ram sale, he had plenty on the farm to keep him busy. Some of the ewes had started lambing now, and checking them was a full-time job in itself. But he still woke with thoughts of Ellie, thoughts and images that stayed with him through the day and long into his restless nights.

‘Chuck us another beer,’ yelled Paul, one of Rats’s cousins.

Rats dug into the esky at his feet and threw a can of Emu Export across the van. Flynn resisted the urge to ask for one as well. He could put Ellie out of his mind without alcohol, he decided – he’d managed it pretty well for the last eight years.

But they were still an hour from Perth, and already he and Simon were the only two not half-sloshed. Which was a little worrying given their first stop was to get the groomsmen fitted for the big day.

As if reading his mind, Rats leaned in. ‘Relax, old man, this’ll be my last one till tonight. And I’m not going to go mad then either, can’t wait for tomorrow.’

For tomorrow, Flynn had organised for them to do some laps in a V8 Supercar at Barbagallo Raceway. Rats had been a racing fan for as long as he could remember. Personally, Flynn could take or leave it – he preferred the hands-on physicality of football and other team sports – but right now, he couldn’t wait to get in the hotted-up car, put his foot down and let off some steam. Once he’d rid his body of the tension that had been eating him the last few days, maybe his head would be clear enough to make a logical decision about Ellie Hughes.

After their talk on Thursday night, Ellie thought about nothing but Mat’s advice, about her belief that she should talk to Flynn. She rehearsed over and again exactly what she would say when she next got a minute with him, but such an opportunity wasn’t forthcoming. For weeks Flynn had been popping up wherever Ellie went, but now he seemed to have done a disappearing act. She was unsure whether this was simply a coincidence, or perhaps on purpose. But then, unlike her, he wasn’t on leave from work – he had plenty to fill his days.

A week after they’d nearly kissed under the gum tree, Ellie started feeling anxious. Flynn didn’t make an appearance at Tuesday’s play practice and now, on Thursday night, the rehearsal was nearing an end, with no sign of his irresistible self. Sure, he’d been away on the weekend, and he didn’t need to be here now all the set work was being done offsite. But Ellie thought it odd when he didn’t even venture out of his car to drop Lucy off.

Was she being paranoid, or now that she thought about it, did he look a little relieved when her phone rang that day? She touched her lips at the memory and then glanced across the room. Lucy and Sam were entwined like trained rosebushes. She hadn’t forgotten she still needed to talk to Lucy. Perhaps if she did, she’d have a legitimate reason to talk to Flynn. She marched across the hall, stopping a metre or so in front of the teenage sweethearts, and cleared her throat.

‘Lucy, do you have a moment?’

‘Sure, how can I help, Els?’ Lucy let go of Sam’s hand and he, as if sensing this was women’s business, crossed to the supper table.

Ellie pursed her lips, hoping Lucy wouldn’t take this conversation the wrong way. She stalled a second. ‘Is Flynn picking you up?’

Lucy shook her head. ‘Mum is. Flynn’s got a rehearsal for the wedding.’

‘Oh, right. That’s this weekend, isn’t it?’

‘Yep, Saturday. Personally, I’ll be glad when it’s over. The town can’t seem to talk about anything else.’

Ellie supposed she should be glad the focus was now on the wedding, rather than her. But Lucy, realising her gaffe, covered her hand with her mouth.