Jobe: Alvarez Security Series (16 page)

He knew he was about to come, but wanted her satisfaction first. He ground his pelvis against her clit, eliciting more delicious moans from the beautiful woman writhing beneath him. Leaning on one arm he slid his other hand down her body, over her breast and stomach until reaching that swollen bud. Moving his fingers around the wetness where their bodies were connected, he gave her clit a little pinch and that was all it took.

Her slick inner walls began to tighten around his cock and she threw her head back onto the mattress as her orgasm roared through her.

With a few more thrusts, he felt his balls tighten and as the muscles in his neck corded and the veins threatened to burst, he powered through his release as he pumped through his orgasm.

Panting and bodies slick with sweat, he fell on top of her before he could remember that he would crush her. Forcing himself to roll to the side, he pulled her along with him so that she was sprawled partially on top of him. They lay for a long time, neither saying anything as coherent thought was impossible.

As the air around them began to cool their bodies, he reached over to grab a light blanket and pull it up over them, making sure it was tucked around her.

As reality slowly returned, she lifted her head to peer down into his face. Wondering what she would see, she was surprised…his expression showed vulnerability. Sucking in her lips, she fought the desire to lean over and kiss him.
I just wanted a fuck, right? That’s all. I don’t need anything else from him. But…
she felt a tear slide down her cheek and she quickly lay her head back on his chest to keep him from seeing it.

Jobe knew she was trying to hide her emotions.
She thought she just wanted a fuck to forget what was going on. Yeah, right. That’s not Mackenna.
He knew for himself that what they had just done was no casual fuck, regardless of what she tried to tell herself.

Before she could begin to make excuses, he gave her a little squeeze forcing her to look up at him once again. “Doll, hard and fast may have worked for right now, but you gotta know that’s not how I wanted this to be.”

She wanted to give a quick, flippant response. An “it was great, thanks for the fuck” kind of answer. But he deserved more. And if she was honest with herself, so did she. So she just nodded.

He sat up and tossed several pillows against the headboard before sliding up and resting against them. Before she could process what he was doing, he pulled her up, tucking her into his side, enveloping her in his embrace.

“You wanted to forget and I’ve been dying to be close to you again. I guess we both got what we needed at the moment.”

He felt her nod against his chest and wondered what her thoughts were.
Was that really all she wanted?
He felt moisture on his skin and could not hold back the smile as tears slid from her eyes down onto his body.

“Doll, it’s time. We gotta talk. You deserve to know everything. Then and only then can you decide what you want. What you need. What place I can have in your life.”

She leaned up again, peering deeply into his eyes, finding uncertainty again.
I’ve held onto my hurt for so long. Can I possibly let it go and take a chance again?
Fear wrapped around her heart but, seeing his expression, she knew that his fears were just as real.

Nodding, she slid out of bed and grabbed his t-shirt from the floor since hers was still by the front door. Sliding the soft material over her head it settled down her curves, hanging to her knees. She crawled back onto the bed and faced him. Armored, she sat quietly with her arms around her middle, waiting to see what was coming.

Jobe watched in fascination as she put on his t-shirt and climbed back into bed. His heart ached at seeing such a familiar sight.
Familiar…and different.
This woman was harder, more closed than the Mackenna of old.
She hides her vulnerability from me. From everyone. And I am the only one that can take that away.

Suddenly unsure as to how to start, he realized that of the many times he had practiced this speech, now was different. Because she was staring straight into his eyes. And the words choked.

She saw the struggle in his face. That handsome face that haunted her dreams. No matter how much she cursed him over the years, she never forgot his face. Reaching out her hand, she palmed his jaw rubbing her thumb over the stubble. His eyes held hers as he leaned his face into her palm.

Now or never,
he realized.

He looked at her and blurted, “This may take a while. I haven’t spoken about all of this to anyone other than the Army psychologist or counselor.” He watched her carefully for signs of discomfort.

She settled against some pillows on the bed, gazing up at him with trust in her eyes. “Okay,” she said softly.

Sucking in a huge breath, he let it out slowly as his mind went back. To a different time and place.

“You know my family. We never had much money, but my parents gave me and my sisters nothing but love. I was the oldest, and a boy. It was my responsibility to help take care of the girls. I walked them to school. Settled their squabbles. Threatened their dates. I had a part-time job in high school to help pay the bills even though my parents wanted me to save for college. I just wasn’t sure that college was what I wanted…not when the military called.

“See, when I was about eight years old, we went to a Fourth of July parade and I saw soldiers marching. I’d never seen anything so amazing. Perfect uniforms. Perfect unison.” He gave a little smile as he looked back down at her, “That was it, doll. I knew at eight years old what I wanted to be. I began to study everything I could about the military and knew I wanted to be in the Special Forces. So I got my grades up in high school, went to a community college and then enlisted.

“The training for SF was the hardest thing I’d ever experienced but when it was over, I understood real responsibility. Real duty. The team and the mission were everything. That kind of discipline was perfect for me.

“The first tour was difficult, but I was in Tony’s squad and those men were the best of the best. I wanted to always make sure I deserved to be there. Put them first. Put the mission first. We all clicked as a group and were successful.”

He shifted in the bed to find a more comfortable position before continuing. “I met you and thought I had it all. Perfect career, perfect woman.

So far, his recitation had been impressive, but nothing that she did not already know. When they had first gotten together, she was around his family and knew how close they were…how his sisters leaned on him for strength and protection. They were so proud of his military career. His father would nearly burst with pride when talking about his son.

“It took years for me to realize that my life was about control. My control helped protect my sisters. Helped my family. Helped my squad. Absolute control. If I left nothing to chance, then nothing could go wrong. When I left to go into the military, I had my best friend look after my family. Took over my duties.” He hung his head for a moment, the memories washing over him. Feeling a small hand on his arm, he looked up at Mackenna’s concerned expression but could not find the words to reassure her.

Like ripping off a band-aid quickly, he blurted, “I got an email from my parents telling me that Hannah had been hurt. My goddamn best friend tried to rape her.”

Mackenna’s gasp slipped out as she saw Jobe’s face contort in pain and anger. She watched as he slowed his breathing, regaining the control he so desired.

He swallowed several times before continuing, “She wasn’t hurt badly, at least physically. He was supposed to be escorting her home from the library when he took advantage of her. When she rejected him, he drug her into an alley…someone heard her scream and called the police.”

The silence in the room crept over them, each to their own thoughts. “What happened to him?” she asked softly, her fingers still stroking his arm.

“Asshole served some time. Got back out but isn’t in the area anymore. I dealt with him when I got out of the Army.”

She did not ask him how he dealt with it…she was too afraid of the answer.

“I was so angry. Stuck overseas. Couldn’t help my parents. Couldn’t help my sister. It was as though all of my control was slipping away.”

“You never told me any of this. We were together at this time. I could have helped—”

“No,” he barked. “Don’t you see, it was my job. My responsibility. And part of that job was to keep you safe as well. How the hell was I going to dump on you if I couldn’t be around to make it better?”

She wanted to retort, to fight back. She wanted to argue that if they had a genuine partnership, he would not have had to worry about control. But instead she just pursed her lips tightly, letting him finish.

“So I tightened up.” He lifted his eyes to hers and saw the confusion on her face. “I started trying to control everything. I became immersed in our missions. I was known as having the most control of anyone on the squad. If they needed something or someone, they turned to me.” He sighed, shaking his head slightly. “Then it all went to hell.”

She watched as he rubbed his hand over his face as though to wipe memories away. This man who had always seemed so strong…
what happened?

“We were out on a mission. We’d finally accomplished the rescue and were on our way out of the village. I was the last to leave, bringing up the rear. I was to make sure that no one was seeing us leave—that we slipped out as quietly as we slipped in. If anyone noticed, I would have taken care of it.”

She continued to move her fingers along his arm, totally involved in the story knowing that something dreadful must be coming. Like watching a scary movie, knowing you should shut your eyes but kept them foolishly open anyway.

“I heard cries from the same hut as before, so I made my way to the window to peek in, to make sure there was no one who had seen us.” He closed his eyes tightly to shut out the scene…but it came back anyway. It always did.

“A man was on top of a woman, her gown pushed up to her waist and he was…at first I thought they were just fucking but I could see her crying as she tried to push him away. Fighting him. I froze, Mackenna. I just fucking froze.

“My job was to get the fuck outta there without letting anyone see us, but that woman turned her face toward the window and I heard her gasp as she realized I was standing there.”

He hesitated as he brought his gaze back to hers. “I realize that you can’t possibly understand the code. The mission. But my job was to neutralize any threat. Any threat. And right then, I should have shot them both.”

She held onto the gasp, knowing that the last thing he needed was censure from her.
It’s not my place to know what their code was, knowing that he did what he was trained to do to keep the squad alive.

Licking her lips, she just nodded, willing him to finish his tale.

“But all I could see was Hannah.”

Her eyes widened at this revelation.

“It was as though I were looking at Hannah underneath that rutting bastard and I wanted to kill him.” Rubbing his hand over his face again, he continued. “I hesitated. Special Forces never hesitate. We are so disciplined and trained that we never hesitate. Whatever the mission calls for that is what we do, or else my brothers could die. But I fucking hesitated. I made it personal. Then I saw red and started to go to her. I looked at the woman’s eyes and saw fear. Embarrassment. Pain.

“And then I totally fucked up. Instead of killing him and her too or at the least, leaving quickly…I actually moved toward the window thinking to help.”

Jobe turned his anguished eyes toward Mackenna and said, “All I fucking saw was Hannah laying there. It was as though I was moving toward my sister. “Then swear to God, that woman moved quicker than anything as she rolled over, grabbed the man’s gun and before I could get to her, she put the gun to her head and pulled the trigger.”

Closing his eyes tightly, he could still see the blood and brains splatter the room. Opening his eyes, his vision cleared and he saw Mackenna looking at him, hanging on his every word.
I have to have her understand. I lost it then. I lost the me that she knew then.

“My weapon had a silencer…hers did not. So as I stared at her broken body, still seeing my sister, I heard Tony on my radio to get the hell out. So do you see? I compromised the mission, my brothers, because I lost control. I allowed my emotions to rule and almost got everyone killed.”

“You did what you needed to do, Jobe,” she whispered, wanting to give him absolution. “What anyone should do. You tried to help.”

He shook his head slowly, disagreeing. “To the average Joe, yeah sure. But to a soldier, I was wrong. Dead wrong.”

“What happened then?”

“We got out of there, most of the team not realizing what occurred and we made it to the rendezvous point intact. Got back to the base and then I lost it. Went on a rampage. All my anger and rage came out. Rage over not being there to help my sister. For putting her in the hands of someone I trusted who turned out to be a rapist. Rage over almost killing my squad. Rage over anything that made me feel like I could not control.”

He held her gaze, refusing to look away. “And that included you. I…I knew that I couldn’t keep you safe or have thoughts of you invading my mind when I was on missions. Just having a relationship that I couldn’t control and would possibly take away my concentration…I went berserk. I ransacked my bunk. Grabbed your letters and tore them into a million pieces.”

Her gasp cut into him as he knew he was giving her more pain.

“The others had no idea what was happening except for Gabe, Vinny, and Tony. By the time they intervened, I had already sent you the Dear John email and destroyed most of my room.”

He felt her fingers still on his arm and wondered if she would take away her touch now. Slowly, they began their movements again and he let out the breath he had not realized he was holding.

“Tony told me I had to get immediate counseling before he would let me go back on another mission and I readily agreed. Nothing was going to keep me from the squad. So I did exactly what he said. Three weeks of intensive counseling by the Army shrink.” Giving a rueful snort, he said, “The guy was okay but honestly, his job was to get me back in the field. So while I did learn about control with him, I went right back into missions with the idea that ultimate, absolute control was everything.”