Joe Bruzzese (18 page)

Though your child's first year in middle school could be free from the challenge of illegally obtaining a social networking account, you should be prepared to soon face the fury of an unrelenting thirteen-year-old who wants desperately to exercise his legal right to join his circle of friends online. Although banning your child from joining a network will limit his access at home, your hard-line tactics do little to discourage his peers' continued use of these same services. Your child's peer group will continue to exist online as it does offline even in his absence.

A growing number of parents have taken the plunge into the world of social networking by creating their own accounts. On the basis of the premise that knowledge is power, parents are creating accounts in record numbers and using their online presence to meet the continued challenge of social networking misuse and abuse. Parents in the thirty-five-to-forty-four-year-old age bracket are one of the fastest-growing segments of new users outside of the twelve-to-seventeen-year-old age bracket. Overcoming the initial learning curve can be daunting, particularly given your child's fluidity with technology; however, the motivation to learn more about your child while preventing online abuse could be enough to push you past the point of fear and into action. Consider taking up temporary residence on both MySpace and Facebook. As an adult, you can register for either service in a matter of minutes. Although staying abreast of the latest teen tech trends may help bolster your confidence, keep in mind the main goal behind your presence online. For the first time, parents now have the rare opportunity to peer into their child's social network of friends, albeit from the safe distance of a computer display. Ask your child to add you to her list of online friends, but expect to be required to meet a few conditions, assuming you receive the coveted title. Tread lightly with your new friend status; you're likely to have your friend status revoked as quickly as it was granted if you post
a comment on your child's profile page, ask your child about anything you saw on his profile page, or send a friend request to your child's friends.

Of course, you have the right to protect your child from content that clearly depicts violent or unsafe acts. Your child's safety overrides her right to privacy.

We'll now go through the initial steps for creating a MySpace account. (Like everything on the Web, the look and feel of what we describe may change over time, but the essential elements should remain.) Facebook registration is nearly identical and should prove to be less of a challenge after you have successfully navigated the MySpace interface. Even though you'll likely be able to provide responses to all of the required registration fields in less than ten minutes, schedule a block of thirty minutes or more to allow time to explore and experiment with basic features after the signup process is complete.

With your internet browser open, go to
www.myspace.com
. Look for the “Sign Up” button. Click the button to bring up the account registration form. Scan the form from top to bottom, noting the variety of information you are asked to provide. There are links to the Terms of Service and Privacy Policy at the bottom of the page just above the Sign Up button. Review both documents before you complete the registration form. In addition to the eligibility and termination clause we covered earlier, you will find a plethora of information detailing specific user-related responsibilities, prohibited content, and a cautionary note about the personal information you choose to provide on your profile page.

Having read the site's disclaimers, you can complete the registration form. All fields are required except state of residence. A verification image of numbers and letters—an increasingly common security device on the Web—ensures that only human users can create an account. Before you click the final Sign Up button at
the bottom of the page, check the small box confirming you have read the terms of service and privacy policy documents. Successfully navigating the registration gauntlet will bring you to the first choice in a series of options for building your profile page.

Privacy concerns become paramount at this stage of the account setup. With the opportunity to upload a photo, kids often choose a favorite personal shot featuring friends. You also have the option of uploading a symbol instead of a personal photo or bypassing the photo option completely—in which case MySpace places the default “NO PHOTO” icon where your photo would normally appear. Clicking the “Skip this step” link will bring you to a new page where you can add friends. If you want to remain as anonymous as possible, then leave the default silhouette in place rather than adding a photo of your own. As a general rule, if you want to appear on your child's friend list, refrain from adding a picture or any other personal information that would draw attention to the fact you are a parent.

Choose your friends carefully. Adding email addresses to your friend list is the first contact point your account has with the outside world. Friends must accept invitations before their name will appear in your network. On acceptance, anyone joining your group of friends will have immediate access to your page and the information you have chosen to share. The same dynamic applies as you begin to receive and accept friend requests—often referred to as
friending
. Keeping portions of your MySpace profile private prevents unconfirmed friends from peeking at your personal information until they become official additions to your friend list.

You can adjust your privacy settings to eliminate most of the unsolicited attention you might otherwise receive. While viewing your account, look for “Privacy” at the top of the page between the words “Password” and “Spam.” Click the privacy link to display
a host of options for the settings associated with your account. If you take the time to review each of the areas listed on this page, you'll have a much better understanding of the features currently available on the site.

Pay particular attention to the first item on the list, “privacy.” I suggest you change two particular default settings. First, under “profile viewable by,” choose the “my friends only” option to keep your page hidden from everyone except your preapproved group of friends. The second, under “block users,” is helpful if you continually receive unsolicited messages or friend requests. You can add these senders to a list of blocked users. Coaching your child to use both of these privacy features will significantly reduce, if not eliminate, unwelcome communication.

Next, let's peruse a few of the many features for enhancing your online presence. Both MySpace and Facebook offer similar features for users connecting and sharing information with friends in their network. We will review a few of the more prominent features, then discuss major differences between the two services.

Your user profile features personal information prominently on your page. Any hobbies, interests, or additional personal information you included during the registration process becomes part of your profile. Be careful about the items you wish to share in this section of your page. Even though uninvited guests cannot view your extended profile of personal interests and lifestyle
preferences, you have no control over what your group of friends chooses to do with this information. One friend's innocent attempt at connecting you with a new acquaintance could reveal information you might have preferred to keep private. Deleting personal information removes it from the view of new visitors, but the damage may already have been done.

Sending a picture from your camera phone takes time and eats up valuable minutes from your monthly plan. With the photosharing feature now common on social networking sites, your home page can feature a collage of pictures for friends to enjoy and share. Yes, as with your profile information the pictures you choose to post become available for friends everywhere to share and alter in any way they choose. Friends viewing your photos can copy and send these images to anyone with a few clicks of the mouse. Facebook's tagging feature gives users the option to name the people in your photos. Tagging a friend sends a copy of your photo to their account. Caught up in the egocentricity of their young lives, most kids never consider the possibility that these photos could be seen by anyone other than their preapproved list of friends. Share this fact with your child; you could save her from an embarrassing moment.

The ability to instantly update friends on your major (and minor) life events is one key power of a social networking site. Your child can connect with friends in a variety of ways. The status update feature in Facebook gives you space to include a quick note about what's new in your life. Dinner with friends, a recent movie review, or short comments on the day's events are common additions to the status update section.

However, kids rarely use the status update or blogging features that most social networking services provide; they opt instead for the creativity and connectivity of the Wall, a virtual bulletin board for comments, pictures, and video clips, now common on most sites. Friends can post messages, links to videos, or original art creations to this common area while you are away, so after you log on, take the time to check for new additions. The account owner is responsible for removing any unwanted additions.

Gaining access to your child's network of friends online can be nearly as challenging as it is to do offline. Parental status doesn't translate into friend status in the online world. Appealing to the website administrators won't bring you any closer to seeing what's behind the login screen, either. Privacy restrictions prevent account information from being shared between users. Your only recourse, when trying to gain access to your child's private group of friends, is to ask your child's permission. Strangely, the dynamic of trust and permission in your parent-child relationship takes a 180-degree shift when it comes to social networking.

Parents are beginning to embrace this newfound way of staying connected with their children during the middle school years. A growing number of parents are requesting friend status on their child's online network. But even for those parents fortunate enough to gain this enviable position in their child's social circle, friendship comes with a set of conditions. As one dad shared, when
asked about his new online status, “I have to bite my tongue when I see my son's wall and the comments his friends choose to leave. One word of lecture from me and I lose the privilege of gaining a glimpse at what happens in his world. Short of threats and flagrantly disrespectful language, I don't say anything. I like knowing what he's doing, and I'm not willing to give that up over a few misguided comments.”

At a time when kids are less than forthcoming about their social life, it is indeed a privileged position to have access to your child's daily social interactions. Never before have parents been given an opportunity to stay so close to their child's life in the way that Facebook and MySpace provide. Should your child choose to add you as a friend (a practice I actively promote), assume your access is merely probationary until you prove yourself to be a trustworthy parent who can hover at a safe distance. Commenting on your child's page, especially in the common areas, will send her friends fleeing and bring an abrupt end to your access. If you are genuinely concerned about the comments you read, consider an offline discussion. Bringing social concerns (online or off) to your child's attention in a private setting saves her from public embarrassment and ridicule.