John Wayne (33 page)

As my father's death crept closer, I often considered how I'd react when he was no longer around. I would be paralyzed by grief, I was fairly sure, unable to cope and perhaps unable to function. And then it came, my father's death, and my life was less than shattered. I lost weight, regained my healthfulness, and found a degree of success selling homes. For nearly two years, when I acknowledged my father's death at all, I felt hurt for Marisa, or Ethan, or my mom, while secretly feeling shame that my father's death had not done more to cripple me. For my father, for the public, had I subjugated my feelings so long that now I could no longer find them?

Whatever the causes, this numbness lasted nearly five
years. Then, although I recall no turning point, although I can't even tell you what triggered it, I was able to properly mourn. I admitted my father was gone, and how much that hurt, really, really hurt, and that this emptiness inside me would never completely fill back up. It was during this time, about five years after his death, when I first returned to my father's grave.

My mother had already been there several times, but I had refused all requests to join her. I did not really understand why I told my mother no, just as I didn't comprehend the stirring I felt that cool April morning to speak with my father. Amidst no crisis, there was nothing profound I felt I must say. And yet the impulse felt strong.

What was it?

I didn't know.

I let the feeling pull me where it wanted to go, to a corner store, where I purchased a bottle of liquor: Commemorativo tequila, his favorite. Arriving at the graveyard, I hurried past marble headstones, hunting for Chick Jr.'s grave, the signpost to my dad's. I found it and knelt on the moist morning ground above where my father lay. Over the grass now carpeting his grave, I poured the first shot for him; he always enjoyed tequila far more than I. Still, whatever this was, we were in it together. I downed a small cup myself. The brown liquor jolted my brain and burned my stomach. How could my father drink this? He always said he was only half-Irish, but I think he was
all
Irish. Was I talking outloud now or thinking? What was I doing here anyway? It was unnatural, to be drinking this way first thing, drinking tequila no less, among the dead at that. Still, for close to an hour I knelt there, sipping but mostly pouring. Talking to my father. Crying and laughing. Remembering. Forgiving. And understanding. The spring sun was heating the air and felt good on my arms. I did not want to leave him. Not yet. But I was feeling tipsy, and I still had to get back home. I knew there was just one solution. I sprinkled the rest of the liquor above
him. Pictured him healthy and whole in my mind. Pictured my father smiling.

“I have to leave you now, Dad. But I'll come back soon. I love you. I know you love me. And wherever I go I'll take your love with me.”

Then I stood up straight and started moving forward.

The index that appeared in the print version of this title was intentionally removed from the eBook. Please use the search function on your eReading device for terms of interest. For your reference, the terms that appear in the print index are listed below

Academy Awards

public relations campaigns for

Wayne nominated for

Wayne as presenter of

Wayne as winner of

Acapulco

Africa

Alamo, The
(film)

financing problems

press on

and Wayne

Alaska

All the King's Men
(film)

Andress, Ursula

Angel and the Badman
(film)

Anne of the Thousand Days
(film)

Arias, Tony

Arizona

Art

Bacall, Lauren

Bacon, James

Balboa Island

Ball, Lucille

Barney Miller
(TV show)

Batjac (production company)

Bauer, Chata

divorce from Wayne

marriage to Wayne

Wayne's life threatened by

Beatty, Warren

Belin, Ina

Bennett, Tony

Blood Alley
(film)

Bogart, Humphrey

Bogdanovich, Peter

Bond, Ward

death of

and Wayne

Boone, Richard

Brando, Marlon

Brannigan
(film)

Bren, Claire Trevor

Bren, Milton

Bringing Up Baby
(film)

Brown, Helen Gurley

Buck, Pearl S.

Burton, Richard

B Westerns

Cabo San Lucas

Cagney, Jimmy

Canby, Vincent

Candy's Man
(film)

Carter, Jimmy

Cast a Giant Shadow
(film)

Catalina Island

Chandler, Raymond

Chandler Pavilion, Dorothy, Los Angeles

Chicago
Sun-Times

Christian Science

Christie, Agatha

Churchill, Winston

Cimino, Michael

Circus World
(film)

Clift, Montgomery

Cobb, Lee J.

Coleman, George

Comancheros, The
(film)

Connery, Sean

Cooper, Gary

death of

Coppola, Francis Ford

Cosmopolitan

March 1961 issue on Waynes

Crawford, Broderick

Curtis, Ken

Darby, Kim

Darin, Bobby

Davis, Sammy, Jr.

Deer Hunter, The
(film)

DeFranco, Joe

Depression

Derek, John

DeSanctis, Roman

Disney, Walt

Doner, Debbie

Donovan's Reef
(film)

Douglas, Kirk

Dunphy, Jerry

Duvall, Robert

Easy Rider
(film)

Ebert, Roger

Eisenhower, Dwight

Encino estate

Evans, Linda

Fans

Film industry

effect of television on

of 1950s

of 1960s

See also
Hollywood;
specific actors, directors, and films

Flying Leathernecks
(film)

Flynn, Errol

Fonda, Henry

Ford, John

and Ward Bond

and Clark Gable

and Wayne

Foreign Press Association

Fort Apache
(film)

For Whom the Bell Tolls
(film)

Gable, Clark

death of

and John Ford

and Wayne

Gardner, Ava

Gentlemen Prefer Blondes
(film)

Gleason, Jackie

Glendale, California

Goldwater, Barry

Gone With the Wind
(film)

Good Housekeeping

Grant, Cary

Green Berets, The
(film)

Hackman, Gene

Hangman's House
(film)

Harvey, Laurence

Hatari!
(film)

Hathaway, Henry

and Wayne

Hawaii

Hawks, Howard

and
Red River

and Wayne

Hayworth, Rita

Hayworth, Yasmin

Heaven Can Wait
(film)

Hemingway, Ernest

The Sun Also Rises

Hepburn, Katharine

High and the Mighty, The
(film)

High Noon
(film)

Hilgren, Lea

Hitchcock, Alfred

Hoffman, Dustin

Holden, Ardis

Holden, William

Hollywood:

children

of 1950s

of 1960s

Wayne's views on

See also
Film industry

Hollywood Athletic Club

Hollywood Reporter, The

Homosexuality

Honeymooners
(TV show)

Hope, Bob

Hopper, Hedda

Horses

Houston Press, The

Howard, Ronnie

Hudson, Rock

Hughes, Howard

I Love Lucy
(TV show)

In Harm's Way
(film)

Iowa

Ireland

Iverson, Chick

Iverson, Chick, Jr.

Jackie Gleason Show, The
(TV show)

Jones, Howard

Kael, Pauline

Kelly, Grace

Kelly, Patrick

Kennedy, Edward

Kennedy, John F.

Korean War

Lancaster, Burt

Last Tango in Paris
(film)

Lido Island

Life
magazine

Lindbergh kidnapping (1932)

Linden, Hal

Lion in Winter, The
(film)

London

Longest Day, The
(film)

Los Angeles Examiner

Los Angeles Times

McClintock
(film)

Madrid

Martin, Dean

and Wayne

Martin, Jeanne

Marvin, Lee

Marx, Groucho

Mason, James

Massachusetts General Hospital

Mathis, Johnny

Mexico

Midnight Cowboy
(film)

Milland, Ray

Mineo, Sal

Mitchum, Dorothy

Mitchum, Robert

Mix, Tom

Mogambo
(film)

Mojave desert

Monroe, Marilyn

and Wayne

Monte Carlo

Morrison Clyde

Morrison, Marion Michael.
See
Wayne, John

Morrison, Mary

relationship with Wayne

Morrison, Robert

death of

lung cancer of

relationship with Wayne

Mother Machree
(film)

Murchison, Clint

Music Center, Los Angeles

Neal, Patrick

Newport Beach

Waynes' move to

Newport Harbor High

Newsweek
magazine

New York City

New Yorker, The

New York Times, The

Nixon, Richard

O'Brien, Joan

O'Hara, Maureen

On the Waterfront
(film)

O'Toole, Peter

Ozzie and Harriet
(TV show)

Palette, Pilar:
See
Wayne, Pilar Palette

Palmdale, California

Panama

Panama, Archbishop of

Paramount Pictures

and Wayne

Paris

Parsons, Louella

Patton
(film)

Peru

Photoplay

Playboy

Portis, Charles

Power, Tyrone

Preminger, Otto

and Wayne

Press

and Aissa Wayne

on Wayne

See also specific publications

Quiet Man, The
(film)

Radio

Reagan, Ronald

Red River
(film)

Republic Pictures

Rin Tin Tin

Rio Grande
(film)

Rome

Rooster Cogburn
(film)

Russell, Gail

Saenz, Carmen

Saenz, Josephine

divorce from Wayne

marriage to Wayne

St. John, Mary

Saldana, Angela

Saldana, Consuela

Salinger, J. D.

Salute
(film)

Sands of Iwo Jima
(film)

Sarris, Andrew

Saturday Evening Post, The

Scott, George C.

Scripps Clinic, La Jolla

Searchers, The
(film)

Sergeant York
(film)

Shaw, George Bernard

Shooting Star
(Zolotow)

Shootist, The
(film)

Silent movies

Sinatra, Barbara

Sinatra, Frank

and Wayne

Sons of Katie Elder, The
(film)

Sound of Music, The
(film)

South America

Spain

Stacy, Pat

Stagecoach
(film)

Starr, Kaye

Stewart, Jimmy

Story of GI Joe, The
(film)

Stout, Rex

Streisand, Barbra

Sun Also Rises, The
(Hemingway)

Taylor, Elizabeth

Television

effect on film industry

Wayne on

See also specific shows

Tet Offensive

This Is Your Life
(TV show)

Time
magazine

Tingo Maria, Peru

Tracy, Spencer

Train Robbers, The
(film)

Trevor, Claire

True Grit
(film)

critical acclaim and Academy Award for

Twentieth Century Fox

and Wayne

UCLA Medical Center

Undefeated, The
(film)

United Artists

and Wayne

U.S. News and World Report

University of Southern California

Variety

Vietnam War

Village Voice, The

Voight, Jon

Walsh, Raoul

Walters, Barbara

Warner, Jack

Warner Brothers studios

Washington Post, The

Wayne, Aissa:

as an actress

adulthood of

in Africa

in
The Alamo

birth of

birthday parties of

on boating trip to Europe (1963)