Jolted (Conflicted Encounters #1) (12 page)

"I'm sorry," was all I could say. I never lied to my parents before, so I had no idea how to talk myself out of lie. "I will go up there this week. I was just trying to get settled in," I lied again, grasping for an excuse.

"I expect to see you at dinner, Kallie. We will talk about it then," she said before hanging up, leaving no room for argument. I stared at the phone for a moment, and then chucked it at the wall.

"Easy there, killer," Ryder warned, coming out of the kitchen. I forgot all about him for a moment.

"Sorry," I said, putting my head in my hands.

"No worries. Everyone has issues with their parents," he said. He picked up my phone and set it on the TV stand.
 

"Is that why you aren't going to your mom's with Scarlett?" I asked him. If he wanted to drill me for answers, I would do the same.

"Something like that," he mumbled. He sat down on the couch next to me.
 

My heart was breaking inside. My parents were never disappointed in me. I never let them down and I never lied to them. I drove myself everyday to make them proud, to make everyone around me proud. What they thought of me didn't seem to matter anymore when I didn't even think there was anything left of me.
 

If I had to be someone without Carter, then I had to figure out who that would be. The old Kallie was too broken to get up and move on. How could I face the same people everyday and not see his face, hear his laugh, miss his words?
 

"Have you ever done something so many times, over and over again, that you don't know how to stop?" I asked without looking at him.

Ryder took some time before finally answering me. "When we were kids, Scarlett and I would fight over the remote. Everyday, we would race from the bus to the house and try to be the first one to get the remote. It would drive my mom crazy. One day, she was having a bad day. A very bad day. We came running through the house, like we did everyday. She flipped," he told me, looking deep in thought.

"Sounds like kids being kids," I said.

"Well, she started screaming. She just snapped. She started throwing things and broke down crying. It wasn't us she was really mad at, but we just pushed her over the edge. I vowed to never piss her off like that again. I never raced Scarlett to the remote after that. But for days, I would get off the bus and start to sprint for the door. Then I would remember and would stop myself. It was so hard to break that habit and remember that I wasn't going to win the remote anymore."

I nodded. "I need to get off the bus without running," I told him. He nodded, and I wondered if he really knew what I was trying to say.

Kallie

After Scarlett came home that evening, we ate a quiet dinner and watched some movies. The images flashed before the screen without me really seeing them. I was too worried that I was missing dinner back home. I deliberately disobeyed my parents. I had no idea what the consequences would be for such an offense, I never done it before.

I had little money, no friends and nothing to do with myself. I was stuck in the middle of nowhere with nothing. I trusted and liked Scarlett, but she didn’t know me. Neither of them knew who I was, where I was from or what I was going through. I couldn’t talk to anyone here and I couldn’t talk to anyone back home. I was alone, and slowly melting away.

That night, I dreamed of Carter. I saw his perfect face before he left me in the parking lot at school. I saw him driving home and his world turning into glass and twisted metal. In my dream, the casket was open at the funeral. His face was scared and bruised. I stood at his casket looking down at his wrecked face. I woke up covered in sweat and trembling. I gasped, trying to get enough air into my lungs. My vision was fading into darkness as my head spun.
 

“Kallie,” I heard Ryder’s voice in the darkness. When I couldn’t answer, he turned on a small lamp in the corner. “Are you okay?”

I inhaled deeply several times before I could speak. “Yes. Just a bad dream,” I told him. I ripped the blanket off of me. My clothes were damp and clung to my clammy skin.
 

“You sure? You’re shaking,” he said, reaching for me. I pulled away from his touch.
 

“Yep,” I snipped. He glared back at me, trying to see the truth buried deep down.
 

“Okay,” he relented, getting up and leaving me alone in the living room.
 

I got up and got in the shower. The sun would be coming up soon, but Scarlett wouldn’t be up for hours yet. I tried to be as quiet as I could as I showered and found clean clothes stuffed in my bag in the corner. I skipped drying my hair too keep the noise down and pulled my hair into a ponytail instead. When I finally came out, Ryder was drinking coffee in the kitchen.
 

“I didn’t mean to wake you. I’m sorry,” I said as I tried to avoid eye contact.

“It’s cool. I had to get up anyway,” he said, sounding casual.

After coffee, Ryder left for work. Scarlett woke up later and left for work in town as well. I spent the day watching TV or reading on my phone. I had no one to talk to and nothing to do. I felt numb. I didn’t feel sadness or happiness anymore. Once I pushed the anxiety away about my parents and what I would do, I felt nothing.
 

Days went by the same. With Ryder working during the day and Scarlett working evenings, I was left alone for only few hours a day, but I always felt completely alone. Usually Ryder and I would be alone for dinner, where he would cook and I would barely eat. I cleaned up after us and tried to stay out of the way.
 

After several more days, I was crawling out of my skin. I couldn’t stand myself anymore. I saw my reflection in the mirror and saw a ghost looking back at me. Grey eyes and pale skin. I was nothing like the person I was before. The Kallie with Carter may have been built on one thing, but at least she was something. Not a hollow shell of a body walking around and taking up space.
 

I threw on a sundress, sandals and made an attempt to look nice. I skipped down the stairs and out to the street. The sunlight felt warm on my skin and I took a deep breath of the summer air. I could feel the dampness of a summer storm coming. I used to love storms when I was kid. I used to stare out the windows and wonder what it would feel like to dance in the rain.
 

I started walking to the cafe down the street. Aside from Hank’s and the garage, that was the only other place I knew. On my way, I saw the garage where my car was. I knew Ryder would be working today. I wondered if it would be weird if I stopped in. I did need to know about my car and how much it was going to cost me. I looked both ways and crossed the street to the shop.

“You lost, pretty girl?” an older man asked as I approached.

“Why does everyone ask me that?” I mumbled. At the sound of my voice, Ryder’s head popped up from under the hood of a car.
 

“Hey, what are you doing here?” he asked, coming toward me.
 

He stalked toward me while wiping the grease and rust off himself. He wore a black sleeveless shirt and his muscles flexed under his suntanned skin. My eyes automatically traced the intricate designs trailing up his arms. A chuck of his black hair fell in his eyes and my hands twitched with the want to brush it away for him. His eyes traveled down my body and back up, before landing my face. His smile told me he knew I was just checking him out.
 

I shook the images away from my head. That wasn’t why I came here today. I spent days trying to forget the way he made me feel at the party. I tried to force out the sound of his hoarse voice in my ears and his strong hands pulling me against him. I shouldn’t be thinking or feeling those things.

“What can I do for you, Princess?” he asked me with a confident smirk.
 

“I really hate it when you call me that,” I said, not sounding angry at all. “You’re patronizing me when you say it.”

He laughed. “Noted. But really, I didn’t expect to see you out and about,” he grew serious.

“Just taking a stroll. Getting some coffee. I wanted to see what was happening with my car,” I told him and tried to sound like it was no big deal.

“Well, I think we found one in the states. We’re just waiting to hear back from the seller.”

“That’s great,” I said, even though it didn’t feel great. “How much do you think it’ll cost me?”
 

He came closer, looking around to see if anyone was listening. “We can figure that out later. You running low on money yet?”

“Not exactly,” I answered and looked down at the dirty floor. “It just needs to last.”

“I see. I’ll find out and we can figure something out. Don’t worry,“ he said, looking me in the eyes. I couldn’t decide if I saw concern or pity looking back at me.
 

“Thanks,” I whispered. I backed away from him. I couldn’t see that look in his eyes anymore. I gave him a quick wave and continued on my way to the cafe.
 

Was it pity or concern? I asked the question over and over on the walk to the cafe. I didn’t know if I could stand either one. If it was pity, then Ryder became everyone I was running from. If it was concern, then he was getting too close. I couldn’t let myself down like that again. I couldn’t let myself become someone else, only to have that Kallie disappear when she returned home.
 

By the time the coffee smell enveloped me, I was tired of thinking. I didn’t want to worry anymore. I didn’t want to think about Ryder, Carter, or my mom and dad. I left to deal with things and so far, I haven’t done anything but create more confusion for myself. All I wanted now was to find out how to be, who to be, when it’s just me. If I was living for myself and no one else, what would I be like?

I got my coffee and walked slowly back to the apartment. I looked in all the shop windows as I passed. I passed up a vintage jewelry shop I wanted to go into. It would make me think of home.
 

This little town seemed content, alone and away from the busier world, and the peace soothed me. I used to hate walking when in D.C. The cars were too fast, the streets too crowded and there was too many people. Carter loved the city, though. I would put up with all the negatives if that’s what it took.

I paced the apartment like a crazy person when I finally got back. I felt like a caged animal that needed to get out. My skin felt like it was crawling and I kept running my hands through my hair repeatedly. All I could do was worry. Worry about money, what my parents were going to do, should I enroll in class and why do I feel like I do when I see Ryder?

Part of me felt I should only have feelings for Carter. He was the love of my life, and he was good to me. I felt unfaithful, even with just my thoughts. Ryder was different, he was new and felt dangerous. But most of all, he made me feel something other than empty and hurt. I couldn’t hold on to Carter forever, I would never survive. I just couldn’t find the balance of letting go and hanging on.

I had no idea how long I paced and talked to myself before Ryder finally came home. He gave me a skeptical look as he set down some beer and pizza on the counter. I probably looked crazed, with bloodshot eyes and frazzled hair. I tried to comb my hair down with my fingers before heading to the kitchen.

“How are you?” he asked, eyeing me carefully.

“Fine,” I said too quickly.
 

“Sure,” he said slowly. “I got pizza. Scarlett texted. She’s going out after work, I guess.”
 

“Oh,” I said disappointed.

“Why? Would you want to go out with her?”

“Well, I was just feeling cooped up I guess. Stir crazy,” I shrugged.

He sighed. “I’m sorry. I am working on your car to get it done as soon as I can.”

I shook my head at him. “No worries. I still have to figure out how I am going to pay for it anyway. Can I have one of those?” I rambled and pointed at the beer.

He handed me a bottle and we took the pizza to the living room. We watched TV while we ate. My mind couldn’t focus on the TV. The same worries plagued me, plus some more. I was hoping they would stop if I wasn’t alone anymore, but that wasn’t the case. I closed my eyes and tried taking deep breaths, fighting the tight feeling in my chest.
 

Carter was good at talking me down when I would get worked up. Every big exam or family event would put me in a near panic. Carter could handle the pressure of the world on his shoulders, and wanted to make a living out of it. I couldn’t even handle the pressure of my parents most times. Right now was no exception.

“You think Scarlett will be home soon?” I asked to break the silence.

“Doubt it. She’ll go home with someone probably,” he responded.

I nodded and kept staring at the screen. I was starting to become weighed down with the loneliness. Even with Ryder right beside me, I felt miles away from a living person. I was alone with a man, a very good looking man, in the dark, and I felt alone. I needed to connect. I needed my mind to be clear before I lost all sanity.
 

After Scarlett came home that evening, we ate a quiet dinner and watched some movies. The images flashed before the screen without me really seeing them. I was too worried that I was missing dinner back home. I deliberately disobeyed my parents. I had no idea what the consequences would be for such an offense. I’d never done it before.

I had little money, no friends, and nothing to do with myself. I was stuck in the middle of nowhere with nothing. I trusted and liked Scarlett, but she didn't know me. Neither of them knew who I was, where I was from, or what I was going through. I couldn't talk to anyone here and I couldn't talk to anyone back home. I was alone and slowly melting away.

That night, I dreamed of Carter. I saw his perfect face before he left me in the parking lot at school. I saw him driving home and his world turning into glass and twisted metal. In my dream, the casket was open at the funeral. His face was scared and bruised. I stood at his casket looking down at his wrecked face. I woke up covered in sweat and trembling. I gasped, trying to get enough air into my lungs. My vision was fading into darkness as my head spun.