Journey (26 page)

“What about dinner then?” he was quick to ask her, relieved to find her alone. “I was just about to make myself some pasta and a salad. Can I interest you in something simple? Or we could go out if you prefer.” He had never invited her to dinner before, although they had had lunch several times, and she always enjoyed spending time with him. He had become her mentor and her confidant, and in some ways, her guardian angel. And with Greg gone, he had become her best friend.

“Actually, I'd love to have dinner with you,” she smiled at the invitation. And they both thought his place was a good idea. There was no point starting rumors, and given the level of interest in her the tabloids had, they could have. And neither of them wanted that kind of problem. “Do you want me to bring anything? Wine? Dessert? Napkins?” She sounded happy that she was going to see him.

“Just bring you. And don't expect too much. My cooking is pretty plain. I've really only learned in the past year.”

“Don't worry about it. I'll help you.”

She arrived at his house half an hour later, with a bottle of red wine in one hand, and wearing a white sweater and blue jeans. And with her hair hanging straight down her back, she looked more like Lizzie than ever. And Bill commented on it.

“She's such a cute kid,” Maddy said proudly, as though they'd shared an entire lifetime together.

Maddy was very impressed by how proficient Bill actually was in the kitchen. He was wearing a starched blue shirt and jeans, and he had rolled up his sleeves, and made an excellent salad. He heated the French bread he had bought for her, and his fettuccine Alfredo was delicious. And the red wine she'd brought was perfect with it. And as they sat in his comfortable kitchen, looking out at the garden he loved, they talked about many things. His diplomatic posts, his academic career, his book, and her show, and eventually his children. They were completely at ease with each other, as friends should be. He found he could talk to her about anything, even his concerns about his daughter's marriage. He thought she worked too hard, had had too
many kids in too short a time, and he was worried that his son-in-law was too critical of her. They sounded like a nice family and Maddy would have envied him more than she did, if she didn't have Lizzie.

“I never realized how important children were, until I couldn't have them. I was stupid to let Jack talk me into that, but it was so important to him, and he'd done so much for me, I felt like I owed him that too. All my life, people have told me what to do about having kids or not having them, or giving them up, or seeing to it that I couldn't have them.” It seemed incredible now talking about it with him, but the bitterness and anguish had gone out of it for her to some degree, now that she had found Lizzie. “Imagine if I never had, think of how sad my life would have been, never to have children.”

“It's hard to imagine. My children are what make my life worth living,” he admitted. “Sometimes I think I was more involved with them than Margaret. She was a lot more casual about it. I was always more worried about them, and a little overprotective.” But Maddy could understand that better now. She was constantly worrying about Lizzie, that something might happen to her, and the greatest gift in her life would suddenly vanish. As though it was too sweet a gift to deserve, and she would be punished by having Lizzie disappear.

“I'll always feel guilty for giving her up. It's a miracle she came out of it as well as she did. In some ways, she's a lot healthier than I am,” Maddy said with admiration, as he put a cup of chocolate mousse in front of her, and she tasted it. Like everything else he had served, it was delicious.

“She didn't have the hard hits you did, Maddy. It's amazing you're as whole as you are. Although I'm sure
oshe had some tough times too, in foster homes and orphanages. That can't have been easy for her either. Thank God you have each other.” And then he asked her an odd question. “Now that you have her, and you see what it's like, would you ever want more kids?”

“I'd love it, but I don't think there's much chance that will happen,” she smiled wistfully at him, “I didn't give any others away, and I can't have any … the only way I'd have kids would be if I adopted, and Jack won't let me.” It saddened him to hear that Jack was still so much a part of the equation. She was saying nothing about leaving him these days. She hadn't made her peace with the situation she was in, but she hadn't gotten up enough courage to leave either. And she still felt she owed him so much, particularly after the grief she'd caused him over Lizzie, and her deception.

“What if there were no Jack? Would you adopt?” It was a pointless question, but he was curious about it. She obviously liked kids, and took so much pleasure in her newfound relationship with her daughter. She was a surprisingly good mother, although she was a novice at it.

“Probably,” she said, looking surprised herself. “I've never thought about it. Mostly because I never thought I'd leave Jack. And even now, I don't know if I'll ever have the guts to do it.”

“Do you want to? Leave Jack, I mean.” Sometimes he thought she did, and sometimes he didn't. It was an area of her life that was full of guilt, confusion, and conflict. But in his eyes at least, it was certainly not a marriage. All she was was a victim.

“I would like to leave all the agony and the fear, and the guilt that I feel when I'm with him … maybe what
I'd really like is to have him without all that, and I don't think it's possible. But when I think of leaving him, I think of leaving the man I thought he would be, and has been from time to time, and used to be. And when I think of staying, I think of staying with the bastard he can be, and is much too often. It's hard to reconcile those two things. I'm never quite sure who he is, or who I am, or who I'd be leaving.” It was as sensibly as she could put it, but it explained it a little better to him.

“Maybe we all do that a little, though to a lesser degree.” In a way, she was frozen in indecision because both sides weighed equally with her, whereas in his mind, the abuse Jack perpetrated on her should have tipped the balance. But he hadn't had the abusive childhood she had, which had predisposed her to letting Jack do whatever he wanted to her, no matter how abusive. It had taken her nearly nine years, seven of them married to him, to realize that he and Bobby Joe actually had a lot in common. What Jack did to her was just more subtle.

“Even in my case,” Bill went on, “I forget some of the things Margaret did that used to annoy me. When I look back now, and remember the years we shared, it all looks so perfect. But we had our differences, as most people do, and a couple of tough times. When I accepted our first diplomatic post, and wanted to leave Cambridge, she threatened to leave me. She didn't want to go anywhere, and she thought I was crazy. As it turned out,” he looked sadly at Maddy “she was right. I should never have done it. She'd be alive today if I hadn't.”

“You can't say that,” Maddy said softly, reaching across the table to touch his hand gently. “What
happens is destiny. She could have died in a plane crash, been hit by a car, killed in the street, gotten cancer … you couldn't know what would happen. And you must have thought you were doing the right thing.”

“I did. And I never thought Colombia would be as dangerous as it was, or that we'd be so much at risk there. If I had understood that, I'd never have taken the job.”

“I know that,” Maddy said, with her hand still on his, and he took it in his own and held it. It was so comforting to be with her. “I'm sure she knew it too. It's like saying you should never take a plane because they crash sometimes. You have to lead your life as best you can, and take reasonable risks. Most of the time, it's worth it. You can't beat yourself up over it. That's not fair. You deserve better than that,” she said simply.

“So do you,” he said with her hand in his, as he looked at her across the table. “I wish you believed that.”

“I'm trying to learn,” she said softly, “I've had a lot of years of people telling me I didn't. It's hard not to hear that.”

“I wish I could take all that away from you. You deserve a much better life than you've had, Maddy. I wish I could protect you, and help you.”

“You do. More than you know. I'd be lost without you.” She told him everything now, all her hopes, all her fears, all her problems. There was nothing he didn't know about her life, far more than Jack did. And she was grateful to Bill for being there for her.

He poured them each a cup of coffee then, and they strolled outside to sit in his garden. The air was cool, but it was still pleasant, as they sat on a bench, and he
put an arm around her. It had been a perfect evening, after a lovely weekend.

“We'll have to do this again sometime,” he said quietly, “if you can.” It had been lucky for him that Jack was in Vegas.

“I don't think Jack would understand it,” she said honestly. She wasn't even sure she did. She knew Jack would be angry if he knew about the dinner with Bill Alexander. But she had already decided not to tell him. There seemed to be a lot she wasn't telling him these days.

“I'm here for you, Maddy, if you need me. I hope you know that,” he said, turning to look at her in the light from his living room, and the moonlight.

“I know that, Bill, thank you.” Their eyes held for a long minute, and then he pulled her closer to him, and they sat there together for a long time, saying nothing, just silent, and at peace, comfortable with each other, as good friends should be.

Chapter 16

O
CTOBER SEEMED MORE HECTIC
than usual to everyone. The social season was in full swing. The world of politics seemed more fraught with tension than usual. The trouble in Iraq was still claiming lives, and people were unhappy about it. And Jack threw her a curve and hired another co-anchor for her. He was better than Brad, but he was extremely difficult, and jealous and hostile to Maddy. His name was Elliott Noble. He had co-anchored before, and although he was cold as ice, he was good, and at least this time their ratings didn't suffer. They even improved slightly. But he was miserable to work with, unlike Greg, or even Brad eventually.

A week after Elliott started, Jack announced that he was taking Maddy to Europe. He had three days of meetings in London, and he wanted Maddy to go with him. She didn't think she should leave the show so soon after Elliott had started, and she was worried that people might think he had come to replace her. But Jack insisted that no one would believe that and he was adamant about
her going. She agreed to, but at the last minute, she caught a bad cold, and had an ear infection, and couldn't fly with him. So he went without her, and he was annoyed about it. He decided to stay a week as a result, and visit friends in Hampshire over the weekend. And she was just as glad, it gave her a chance to see Lizzie, and even look at some apartments with her. They had fun doing it, but didn't find anything they liked. They had plenty of time. They didn't need a place for her till December. And Bill took them both out to dinner.

And on the way home, Maddy stopped to pick up a few things at the market for breakfast, and she was startled when she saw Jack's name on the front page of the tabloids. “Is Maddy Hunter's Hubby Still Mad About Her Baby?” was the line that caught her eye, and just below it “Sweet Revenge: Looks Like He Has a New Baby of His Own.” And with it, there was a picture of him with another woman. It was hard to know if they had doctored it, or if it was the genuine article. But there was a photograph of him leaving Annabel's, hand in hand with a very pretty, very young blond woman. And his expression was startled. Maddy s was even more so as she stared at it, and then put it on the counter with her other things. She read it carefully when they went home, and she admitted to Lizzie that she was upset about it.

“You know how those things are. He was probably in a big group or something, or maybe she's just a friend, or someone else's wife or date. They're pretty disgusting, and most of it is just lies anyway. No one ever believes them,” Lizzie said, comforting her mother, which was entirely possible, but Maddy felt as though she had been slapped as she stared at Jack and the woman standing next to him in the picture.

He hadn't called her in two days by then, and she decided to call him at the number he'd left her. It was Claridge's, and they reminded her that he was gone for the weekend, and she didn't have that number. She didn't say anything about it after that, but thoughts of it festered all through the weekend, and when he came home on Monday, she was seething.

“You're in a great mood,” he said jovially, when he came home on Monday night. “What's the matter, Mad? Does your ear still hurt?” He was in terrific spirits, and without saying a word, she took out the tabloid she had saved to show him. He glanced at it for a minute, without looking concerned, and then shrugged his shoulders as he grinned at her. “So? What's the big deal? I was in a group and we walked out together. That's not a crime, as far as I know.” He didn't seem to feel at all guilty, and made no attempt to apologize for it, which was either gutsy of him, or reassuring, and Maddy was not sure which as she looked at him.

“Were you out dancing with her?” Maddy never took her eyes from his.

“Sure. I danced with a lot of people that night. I didn't fuck her, if that's what you're asking.” He came right to the point, and he was starting to look annoyed at her for doubting him. “Is that what you were accusing me of, Mad?” He made it sound as though she were the one at fault, and not his fidelity that was in question.

“I was worried. She's pretty cute, and the story made it sound like you were out with her.”

“The stories on you make you look like a two-bit whore, but I don't believe them, do I?” She reeled from what he said like a punch in the stomach.

“That's not a nice thing to say, Jack,” she said softly.

“It's true, isn't it? Nobody has showed up with my illegitimate brats, have they? If they did, then you'd have a right to bitch. But as I see it, you don't have much to say now. And given the lies you've told me, and the things you've concealed from me, who would blame me if I cheated on you?” As usual, it was entirely her fault, and she deserved it. And even thinking about it, she knew he was partially right. She still hadn't told him she was moving Lizzie to Washington, or that she saw Bill from time to time, and talked to him daily. Jack had successfully managed to turn it around and make her feel guilty, rather than addressing the issue of whether or not he'd been unfaithful.