Journey of the Heart (41 page)

“I can’t believe it, Elizabeth!”

“Neither can I, but it’s true. And it all makes sense, Michael. He was treated cruelly as a slave. He’d seen his family massacred. He had none of the love I had. No wonder he ended up
El Lobo
.”

“Not everyone who has a hard time becomes hard,” Michael reminded her mildly.

“Oh, I am not trying to excuse him, Michael. I’m sure he has done some awful things. But he was such a little boy, Michael. Only seven,” she said, beginning to cry again. “Oh dear, I’ve been crying off and on all day,” she said with an apologetic smile.

“And I am sure you haven’t had anything to eat and Cait has prepared a good dinner for us,” he said, lifting her to her feet.

“I hate to leave him, Michael.”

“He’ll not be going anywhere for a while,
a ghra.”

* * * *

The next time Juan awoke, it was later that evening. He shifted slightly and then groaned. In addition to the throbbing on his side, he was stiff and sore all over, but this time he was determined to pull himself up.

“Are ye awake, boyo?” Michael Burke was standing over him, holding a kerosene lamp. “Are ye sure ye want to sit up?”

“
Si, señor
,” Juan muttered.

“Then let me help ye.” Michael’s hands were surprisingly gentle as he lifted Juan up and propped another pillow behind his head. “There ye are, not quite perpendicular, but vertical enough to get some broth down yer throat, if ye’re hungry?”

Juan was surprised to find that he was and nodded his head.

“I’ll get some for ye, then.”

But it was not Michael Burke who returned with a small earthenware cup, but Sadie Hart.

“Mr. Burke?”

“Seeing to the horses, Señor Chavez. I offered to bring you this.” She set the cup down and tied a napkin around Juan’s neck. He became very conscious that he had nothing on above the waist but the silly bib and the strips of bandage around his chest. He tried to pull a sheet up around him and Sadie had to turn her face to hide her smile.

“Here, I think this is cooled off enough,” she said, turning back and holding a spoonful of soup to his lips. They both felt so awkward that the first few swallows left more on his chin than in his mouth and Sadie wiped him off with the bib. They did better with the rest, however, and when the cup was empty, Juan whispered, “I didn’t realize I was so hungry. Is there any more?”

“No more, for now,” said Sadie. “The doctor said go slowly. But I can get you some water.”

Chavez insisted on holding the glass himself until he realized that his hands were shaking so much that the water was spilling down his chest. “A good thing I tied that around your neck,” said Sadie matter-of-factly as she covered his hand with hers and helped him with the water. “That’s enough now,” she said after he drained the glass. “I’ll get you more later, before you go to sleep.”

“I have been sleeping all day,
señorita
,” he said as she leaned over to untie the napkin. As her breast brushed his chest, he smiled at the irony that he was so weak he couldn’t even take in the pleasurable sensation, much less take advantage of it. Not that she would want him to, after all that had happened.

“I need to tell you something, Sadie,” he whispered as she straightened up. “I wish to tell you I am sorry.”

“For what, Señor Chavez?” she asked, her voice steady but her hands shaking. She tried to steady them by folding the makeshift bib as though it had just come back from the laundry.

“I…your brother was right, Sadie.”

Sadie’s heart sank and she prayed she wouldn’t disgrace herself by crying.

“Señor Mackie had wanted me to push him into a fight. I made sure that he caught me kissing you under protest. I was rough with you, I think?”

“But never before that, Juan. Are you apologizing for all the other times, too?” Sadie didn’t know why she was being such a glutton for pain. It hurt enough to hear him confirm Gabe’s judgment. Did she really want to know that nothing between them had been real?

Juan had intended to say yes and set her free. Whoever he was: Juan Chavez, Jonathan Rush, he was not the right man for Sadie Hart. She deserved much better. But when he looked up and saw the pain in her eyes, he whispered, “
Nunca jamas, querida
.” He hesitated a little before saying, “It is true that Señor Mackie wanted me to pursue you. But I didn’t need his orders after that first time I met you. Everything we did together….” Sadie lowered her eyes and blushed at the memory of their lovemaking.

“My heart was in everything,
mi amor
.”

“Am I, Juan?”

“Are you what,
querida?”

“Am I your love?”

“
Si,
Sarah Ellen Hart.
Mi amor sola.
If I wasn’t so weak I would show you how I feel instead of telling you.” He sighed. “When I leave here I will carry you in my heart always.”

“When you leave…?”

“You deserve a better man,
querida.
Not
El Lobo
. Not someone who almost killed your brother.”

“But you didn’t, Juan.”

“I couldn’t,” he said simply.

“And you saved him again, at the Mackie ranch. Without you, both Gabe and Mr. Burke would be dead. That makes you a good enough man for me,
Señor Lobo
,” she said, trying to smile.

“Oh, Sadie, you can’t….”

“But I do,” she whispered. “I love you, Juan Chavez. Jonathan Rush,” she added softly. “Mrs. Burke told us who you are.”

“Ah, but Sadie, that should have convinced you. It is ironic, no, that I was hired to drive my sister off her ranch. Hired to kill her husband. I could have done it too. And I would never have known….”

“But I think you did, Juan. I think somewhere, in some way, your heart knew.”

“If it did, Sadie, it is only because you gave me back my heart. I have been without one for many years,
querida,”
he said, turning away so that she could not see the pain in his eyes.

She knelt down beside him. “Please don’t leave me, Juan. Leave here if you must, but take me with you.”

He turned back to her, about to protest when she put her fingers gently on his lips. “No, Juan, don’t say it.”

He reached out and took her hand in his. “I am too weak to fight you or kiss you,
querida
,” he replied with a rueful smile.

“I love you, Juan. I gave you my heart that day in the foothills.”

“All right, Sadie. When I leave, if you still wish to go, I will take you with me.” He covered her hand in his and held it tightly until he fell asleep.

* * * *

During the next week, Michael dealt with the sheriff and the town council. Mackie’s housekeeper had seen everything from inside the house and was able to give a full account of all that had happened, now that her employer was dead and unable to frighten her. Without Mackie behind him, the sheriff was persuaded to give up his intention to ‘see justice done.’

“Justice has been done, boyo,” Michael told him, “Nelson Mackie is dead because he pushed just a little too hard and because he was a murderin’ bastard.”

“But that Mexican should pay,” muttered the sheriff, who was furious that the source of his ‘retirement’ fund was now dead, all due to the sneaking son of a bitch, Chavez, who changed sides at the last minute.

“For what? He didn’t kill Eduardo, not that you gave a tinker’s damn about that murder,” said Michael, looking at him in disgust. “The men responsible are dead. And he saved my life, so Señor Chavez goes or stays a free man. And speakin’ of goin’, Sheriff, if I were you, I’d be thinkin’ of goin’ meself….”

* * * *

“The one person I have sympathy for in all this is Mrs. Mackie, Elizabeth,” said Michael at the dinner table that night. “She was not responsible for any of it and she loved the bastard, strange as that may seem.”

“I hear she has family in Kansas, Michael?”

“She does,
a ghra,
and once she sells the ranch, she’ll not have to worry about being dependent on their charity. She’s in a hurry to leave or so I’ve heard,” Michael continued after a moment’s silence. “I wouldn’t be surprised if she was willing to sell off some of the smaller ranches Mackie bought up,” he added, looking pointedly at Gabe.

“The Garcia place is a fine piece of property, with plenty of grass and water,” said Gabe thoughtfully.

Cait had not missed her father’s hint about the Garcia place and Gabe’s interest. She hadn’t thought much beyond his declaration of love for her. There hadn’t been any time, what with the turmoil of the last ten days. Mackie’s death and the violence that had accompanied it made it hard to realize that their ranch was now safe and secure. It had been even harder to grasp that
El Lobo
was, in fact, her mother’s long lost brother and Cait’s uncle.

But things were finally beginning to feel closer to normal and the future beckoned to her and so the next day at breakfast, Cait looked across at Gabe and said: “I was wondering if I might ride Sky this morning.”

Gabe looked puzzled for a moment as though he was wondering why she needed his permission. It was hard to remember that the horse was his now.

“Of course, Cait. You know you can ride Sky anytime.”

“I was hoping you’d accompany me,” Cait added. “Just in case I have any trouble with him. I haven’t ridden him out of the corral, you know,” she said quickly.

“Wal, I guess I could put off working with the two-year-olds till this afternoon,” Gabe drawled, looking over at Michael. “If you don’t need me for anything else, Mr. Burke?”

“Ye deserve some time off, Gabe. Enjoy yer ride,” Michael replied with a wave of his hand.

* * * *

Sky was only a little skittish as Cait and Gabe rode off the ranch. Once they reached the foothills, he had settled down, but it was clear from the way his ears flicked back and forth and the way he carried his head up that he was curious and happy to be out of the confines of pasture and corral.

Their conversation was limited to comments on Sky or the way the chamisa was beginning to bloom as the autumn approached. Cait was wondering if she would have the courage to suggest they stop and rest for a while when Gabe pointed out a shady spot up the trail.

“It might be coming on fall,” he remarked, “but the sun’s still hot. Let’s rest the horses up there.”

But Sky did not want to be tied to the small cotton-wood, no matter how hot the sun. He backed up, almost pulling the reins out of Cait’s hands and with his ears laid back, stood there shivering.

“What’s wrong, Gabe?”

“Cougars always attack from above, Cait, from trees or boulders. Maybe he was under a tree when that cat landed on his back.” Gabe took the reins and murmuring softly to the horse, led him over to a large mesquite bush and tied him there. “I think he’ll be all right there.”

“So he still remembers, Gabe. Even after all this time and work?”

“I don’t think he’ll ever forget something like that, Cait. He’ll carry that scar all his life.” Cait knew he didn’t just mean the weal on the horse’s shoulder. “I suppose that what happens in our past shapes us all,” she said thoughtfully as they sat back against a sandstone outcropping. “My mother still dreams about her parents. And my uncle…well, look what he became.”

They were both silent for a moment and then, before she even knew the question was in her mind, Cait asked: “Why did you leave home, Gabe? Was it just because you had a taste for wandering?”

There was a small, brown patch of needle grass next to him and Gabe pulled at the stems and started looking to see if there were any seed heads left.

“My ma died when I was fifteen, Cait.”

“I’m so sorry, Gabe,” Cait whispered.

“My pa remarried not long after. May was much younger than Pa, and after a year or so, she turned her eyes elsewhere.”

“She went after some cowboy?”

“You could say that. She went after me,” he said bitterly. “I couldn’t face telling him so I had to leave.”

“Did Sadie know why you left?”

“May was pretty obvious when Pa wasn’t around,” said Gabe with a wry grin. “I always felt it was my fault,” he added, after a few minutes of silence. “I should have been able to stop her without leaving. Sadie’s had too much to carry alone all these years.”

“I’ve been surrounded by my Ma and Da’s love all my life,” said Cait gratefully. “When I think of you and Sadie and my uncle…. I feel like a naive and romantic child,” she added ruefully.

“I don’t see you that way, Caitlin Burke,” said Gabe, turning and facing her. “I see you as a fine, openhearted woman.”

“Thank you, Gabe,” she said, lifting her face to his. “When I said I loved you, Gabe Hart, I meant it. What about you?”

“Oh, Cait, I love you so,” he replied, pulling her up so that she knelt in front of him, straddling his legs. She put his face between her hands and kissed him. It was a long and passionate kiss and they were both breathless by the time they pulled away.

Cait sat back on his knees and balanced herself by placing her hands on his chest and then inched forward and very slowly began to undo the buttons of his shirt. “I love how silvery your hair is here, Gabe,” she said as she got the last button open.

“What do you think you are doing, Caitlin?”

“I’m just trying to show you how much I love you, Gabe Hart.”

“Well, don’t be moving up much further,” he said, giving her a meaningful look. Cait blushed, but surprised herself by sliding herself closer until Gabe groaned.

“I promised your Da I’d make things right after kissing you in public, Cait.”

“And how were you going to do that, Gabe?”

“By marrying you.”

“You told my Da before you told me,” she said in mock outrage.

“I didn’t want him coming after me when we’d finished with Mackie,” he said fervently.

“
Are
you going to ask me, Gabe?” she asked, shifting a little more.

“Sweet Jesus, woman, what do you think you are doing? Yes, I am going to ask you, but not like this.”

Cait sat back and Gabe sighed with relief. Then he saw that she was unbuttoning her blouse.

“We can’t do this, Cait.”