Jude; The Fallen (The Fallen Series, Book 2) (16 page)

“Hey,” he ventured, shutting the door softly.

Coriander sat up, her face pale and drawn. The sparkle was gone from her green eyes, leaving them flat and lifeless against the wan pallor of her skin. She wiped a shaky hand over her face and stood up, turning her back to him as she paced the room. Jude leaned back against the door, not wanting to crowd her.

Tension had her shoulders and spine stiff with worry, and she walked with a slight hitch, as if each of her steps were weighted. She moved in front of the dresser, trailing her fingers over the expanse of wood. They drifted among the few items he had left scattered about; a small stack of cash he’d folded for Domniel, a few coins, and some receipts. She didn’t speak until her fingertips caught the edge of the small, obsidian blade. Her eyes darted up to the mirror and honed in on his reflection.

“This is mine,” she said, her lips lifting at the edges. “Now who’s the thief?”

He shrugged. “Comes with the territory, I suppose.”

“I suppose.”

“Who’s Avalon?” he asked.

“The last of my sisters. The smart one. She’s quiet. Bookish.” Coriander’s smile was wan. “She can help me get her back.”

Jude pushed off from the door. “Cori—“

“How do you do it?” she asked, holding the little dagger in her palm for him to see.

“Do what?” He stopped short, but moved to the bed. The mattress gave a heavy squeak as he shifted.

“Deal with the pain.” A twinkle appeared in her eyes, but it was wild and manic, as evidenced by the sudden flush to her cheeks. “Is that why I find you in the tub so often, bleeding your cares away? Does it hurt so bad that you have to—“ her voice broke, “cut the pain out?”

Jude frowned and crossed the room in a flash, snatching the blade from her grasp. “Stop it,” he chided. “Get a hold of yourself, Cori. You don’t know what you’re saying.”

“Like hell!” she snapped, beating her fist against her chest. “It hurts, damn it! My baby’s gone and it hurts!”

His hands wound around her and pulled her close. “I know it does, babe. I know.” He pressed a soft kiss into the crown of her head. Coriander leaned into the caress, and rubbed her face against his chest as she shook with small tremors.

“Is this what it’s like for you?” she whispered. “All the time? This burning? I can’t—I don’t…”

Jude eased them over to the bed, keeping her secure in the cradle of his arms. “You want to know what it’s like?” She nodded and sniffled into his shirt. “It’s worse,” he sighed. “Whatever you’re feeling—the pain, the ache. All of that, yeah, it’s a thousand times worse. It’s constant. And it’s not just inside, either. I can feel it on my skin and in my bones, like it’s alive, eating me. It doesn’t stop. It…persists. It exists. Breathes my air and steals my soul. And I can’t ever get rid of it. So, yeah, it’s worse. Because I deserve it.” He squeezed her tighter. “But this? This is nothing you can’t handle. We’ll find Ash. And this will go away.”

Coriander whimpered and clutched at him. He buried his face in her hair, feeling his own tears rising to the surface. “How do you stand it?” she gasped. “How does it not drive you crazy?”

He reached out and covered the hand that held the dagger in his own. “The knife,” he said quietly. “It’s kind of like you said. Only there’s nothing to cut out. Because it’s me. I am the pain. And on the other side of that is pleasure. I can’t have one without the other. Sometimes it’s the only thing that keeps me sane. It’s the one thing He left me.” He smoothed a stray lock of hair off her face as she lifted her head and stared up at him.

“And now?”

The wildness vanished from her eyes, shining instead with a bright hope that took his breath away. He swallowed the lump in his throat and smiled, unable to stop it from spreading across his face like an oil spill. “Now there’s you.”

Her body curled into his and he gathered her closer, settling them both back against the headboard. Jude ran his hand down the softness of her arm and found her fingers. He let his hand play along the spaces in between before linking their fingers together, relishing the slide of her calloused palm against his.

“Talk to me.” Her voice was muffled against his chest.

“About?”

She let out a slow breath as she shifted, turning her body to put them chest to chest. Her other hand lingered along the hem of his t-shirt for a few seconds, then moved underneath to lay flat on his stomach. She kept her hand still, just above the waistband of his jeans.

“Tell me what happened. Tell me how you fell.”

Jude’s gut clenched. “I don’t think now is a good time-“

“It’s as good a time as any,” she interrupted. “And somehow I don’t think there is a good opening for this story. So tell me now.”

He sighed. She was right. There would never be an appropriate time to bring up the sins of the past. Might as well bite the bullet and tell her everything. If anything, she needed the distraction.

“There was a city. A long time ago. And we were there to observe. Just observe.” He took a breath as the memory came back to him. “It was fine for a while, and we did as we were told. We watched.”

“What happened?”

“Outsiders. They tore down the city walls and invaded. There was blood and death, and we watched.” Jude shifted as his breathing hitched with the weight of the memory. “There was a siege, and the people didn’t stand a chance. They were being slaughtered.”

She shuddered against him. “That must have been terrible, having to see that and not being able to interfere.”

He pressed a kiss to the top of her head. “Yeah. It was. But we kept back. Like we were told.”

“So what changed?”

“I’m not sure.” Jude’s brow furrowed. “It was getting harder and harder to stay out of it. There were so many dying, Cori. Innocents. Children. And they were falling to the outside forces. Lucius was firm. We were to do nothing. Let it happen.”

Coriander raised her head to look at him. Her eyes were wide with concern, and her lips parted on a soft rush of air. “But you didn’t let it happen, did you? You saved them?” The hope in her voice was chilling, cutting him to the core. He saw her faith shining in her eyes, the belief in his station as angelic protector written across her face. Would that light die when he told her the truth? He bit his bottom lip as the words sat on the tip of his tongue, bitter and foul.

“No.”

She gasped, the small sound piercing his heart. “What did you do?”

Jude took a deep breath and pressed her head down to his chest. He could say it was because he wanted to have her as close as possible, but the truth of it was he didn’t want to see her eyes when he told her the truth.

“Lucius-,” he started, “he grew restless. We all did.” Jude closed his eyes and sniffed. “We watched for so long. It was so hard to believe that this was His plan for these people. To die like that. And then there was Lucifer-“

Coriander sat up. “Lucifer? You don’t mean…” Her question trailed off as he nodded.

“Yeah.
The Morning Star
,” he sneered. “By this time, the asshole had already made his choice. But he was in Lucius’ ear, and things between all of us were strained. We were angry with him, sure, but at the time, we still thought of him as a brother.” The term of endearment tasted like shit on his lips. “And he was so convincing, you know, right there, just whispering. In hindsight, it was so easy to see how he played Lucius. How he played all of us.” Jude’s lip curled in disgust. “Silver-tongued bastard. Part of me hopes he spends his days getting fucked six ways from Sunday with a brimstone cock the size of an elephant.” He blew out a harsh breath. “Even that would be too good for him.”

“What did he say? I mean, did you still trust him?”

“Yes.” He shook his head. “No. It was complicated and painful. He had turned his back on all of us, we thought, and then there he was, saying all the right things to push all the right buttons, and before we knew it, Lucius had lost it and we followed him. Because we always followed Lucius. He twisted things, made us all doubt. I mean, what kind of God would allow for the suffering that we witnessed? Lucius believed the crap that Lucifer was spitting out. We ached for these people, and it made sense that we could do something about it. It made sense that we could put a stop to it.”

The flat of her hand pressed harder on his skin, rubbing in small, soothing circles. “How did you stop it? Did you stop it?”

He swallowed, and felt the emptiness pool in his gut. “We did more than stop it. We killed them all. The innocent and the outsiders.”

Jude felt her stiffen and clutch him tighter as a small cry escaped her lips. “Why?” she whispered.

“It was the only way to bring them all before Him. Deliver the oppressors to stand for judgment, and the innocent for mercy.” Saying it out loud didn’t make it sound any better after all this time, he knew that, but it was the only explanation he could give. “You have to understand that it made sense at the time, in some weird way. Even though we were going against Him, we did it for Him.” Heaviness settled in his bones. “We killed them all in His name.”

Coriander’s voice was strained, breathy. “Was Lucifer really that convincing?”

Jude breathed out slowly. “Yeah. Yeah, he was. Once Lucius made the call, we descended. And we decimated them all.” Regret was hollow in his throat as he continued, “There was so much blood, Cori. So much death. I hacked my way through those people. I was so angry. Angry at Him for leaving those people alone to suffer. Angry at the army that came for them. I was Vengeance. I was created for that purpose. And I unleashed devastation upon the city. I caused so much pain.” Jude’s voice broke on a cracked sob and Coriander snuggled closer, as if she could burrow underneath his skin. “I had eyes for nothing but rage and my own anger. I’ve never felt like that before.”

Her lips were on his neck now, murmuring incoherent words on his skin, her hands moving over him in an attempt to soothe the fire burning within him.

“And when it was over, they were all dead. It was only us. Bloody and broken. And Lucifer was nowhere in sight, the sneaky bastard. Left us to fall all on our own.”

“Is that why you can’t touch people?” she asked quietly.

“Yeah.” Jude gave a half-hearted laugh. “We each have our own cross to bear because of what happened. All the pain I caused those people, well, He made sure that I would never forget it. Every day, for the rest of my life, I have to live with the pain of their deaths.” He snorted. “Probably a fitting punishment, but it sucks all the same.”

Coriander skated her hand across his bare flesh and nipped underneath his jaw, the gesture beginning a slow burn in his blood. “So why doesn’t it hurt when I touch you?”

He cradled her jaw in his hand and tipped her face up to his. “I don’t know, Cori. I can’t even question anymore.”

“Faith?” She smiled. “Maybe?”

Jude shook his head. “No. I don’t question, but that doesn’t mean I have faith that there’s anything good out there waiting for me. It hurts too much to hope at this point. So I don’t. I can’t believe in faith anymore.”

"I believe in lots of things," Coriander said with a smile. "I don't think religion is as cut and dried as most people think. I think things like gods and angels exist in parameters that are predefined according to one purpose. His purpose. It doesn't make sense to me otherwise." She sniffed and leveled him with a penetrating stare. "I believe in a higher calling. I believe in power that I don't understand. I believe in you."

Jude's grin was playful. "Careful, Cori, you're skirting dangerous territory. Blasphemous, even."

"So says the man who uses the word 'fuck' like a comma," she smirked.

He sighed and pulled her closer, ignoring her huff of annoyance. "I remain true to myself, no matter what words I use."

"But you see my point. Sometimes you're not as angelic as you should be."

Jude's lips brushed hers with a feather-light kiss. "No. And I may not be a very good one, but I am an angel." A soft smile played at the edge of his mouth. "Which is more than I can say about you, princess."

For a second, an impish grin flashed across her face, allowing a glimpse of the carefree woman he loved to surface, despite her inner heartache. "Well," she drawled, "you may be right. But I do have my moments."

He bent to kiss her again. "Don't we all?"

Her fingers slid up his chest, pulling his shirt higher, and the blunt tips of her nails scraped over his nipple. Jude groaned as his eyes fluttered shut.

“But you don’t have to wait anymore,” she whispered. “For hope. Or faith. I’m right here. Believing in you.”

He found it almost impossible to think of anything but kissing her when she looked at him that way, like the sun rose and set squarely on his shoulders. It was terrifying, being the focus of her earnest gaze, knowing her eyes were only for him. Terrifying, but exciting all the same.

The slow burn that pooled in his stomach whenever Coriander was around spread out across his limbs, and the only way he could think to get it to grow was to pull her closer and press his lips to hers. He wasn’t disappointed.

She breathed a soft sigh into his mouth as she opened for him. Jude took the invitation and ran with it, groaning in pleasure as he tugged her across his body to lay her flat on the bed. The taste of her, like sunshine and sand, burst on his tongue, making him ache for more. He slanted his mouth to apply more heated pressure, urging her to open wider. He licked his way inside her mouth, searching out every corner, determined to map every inch of sweetness.