Judging June (Downtown) (11 page)

I HAVE TO GET OUT of this stinkin’ apartment, I’m going cray cray! No matter how much I have appreciated, needed my parents, and my friends slaving away after me, it’s time to get back to civilization; I miss my work, my bands and their music—I crave them. I’ve stayed cooped up for too long, sleeping the days away, crying on everyone’s shoulders, and wishing this whole thing never happened. I have to move on. I believe in my heart it’s the right thing to do.I will always hurt for the loss, and will never forget I fell in love with my baby.

The one thing I have felt most guilty about is not paying enough—actually—no attention to Phillip. I’ve barely seen him. I feel bad that I haven’t supported him enough. I hope he’s okay.

It’s a bright, early summer morning. I’m propped up in bed thinking about my day, looking at my phone when Phillip enters the room. I hadn’t expected him to be here, but I am
so
glad he is. I am really happy to see him, I feel like it’s been too long since I laid eyes on him. He doesn’t look well; black circles under his eyes and loss of weight. Losing the baby really has taken a toll on him. I really need to be there for him and support him.

He meekly smiles, not from forced effort, but obvious suffering when he comes around the bed to hand me a cup of coffee.
OMG! Coffee. Wow, it smells so good!
“Black, caffeinated coffee,” I exclaim. I close my eyes and take a fine whiff of the amazing aroma. How I have missed my caffeine. “Mmmm, awesome. Thank you.” The taste is even better.

Phillip sits next to me on the edge of the bed. “You look good today,” he mentions.

“I’ve slept for two weeks, I better look good,”I scoff, taking another sip. Then I look at him; not only does he have dark circles under his eyes, the beautiful green have lost it’s spark. He’s in terrible shape. “But you -”

He swipes a hand through his unruly hair. “Yeah, I still look and feel like shit.”

I’m hesitant to grab his hand, I still see pain written all over his face. I grab it anyways. “You and everyone else have been taking care of me. . . . .but have they taken care of you?”

He furrows his brows and squeezes my hand. “I’m not the one who almost died, who . . . . . . .” He can’t get himself to say it, but I get it. He closes his eyes and lets out a breath. He’s keeping everything in, I just wish he would open up to me.

“Right . . . but have they taken care of you? Seriously?” I urge him to tell me.

“Faith’s been a good friend. She’s done a lot for me, so yeah, I guess you can say I’ve been taken care of.”

We sit in silence while still holding onto each other’s hands. I know exactly how he’s feeling, yet I don’t know how to tell him how sorry I am; I know I shouldn’t blame myself, it’s not my fault, but he’s been through a lot. I feel awful.

I look down. “I’m sorry . . . . . . about everything.”

His voice rises, “What are you sorry about?”

I’m taken aback by his exclamation. “I . . .”

He quickly takes the coffee out of my hand and places it on my night stand. He scoots himself closer by my side and cups the side of my face. My eyes are widened with surprise. “June, listen to me,” he firmly begins. “Our baby was not planned and it scared the shit out of both of us, but in the end we accepted we were going to bring a life into this world.”
Oh my, he’s going to make me cry.
“You and I . . . we connected and we changed for the better, right? At least I know that
I’ve
changed.” Yes, I’ve changed too, I want to say to him, but he continues, “Look, what I’m trying to say is. . . . .what you’ve been through, what your body has gone through, is horrific. You’re not to be blamed or should not say that you’re sorry—for
anything.
”
Yep, I’m going to cry.
“You’re supposed to be taken care of, emotionally and physically, I get that, I do.” The green has intensified in his eyes. He’s so. . . . Ugh, so wonderful, and I hate how my eyes are cloudy with unshed tears. “Yeah, it’s different on my end, but I’m not the one who carried a life. I’m not the one who almost bled to death, and lost the one thing that was most precious to us. It really sucks that I couldn’t help you, and it really hurts that I won’t be a father—at least, not now anyways, but let me say this one thing. . . . we still have plenty of time to have a baby. It’s just not going to be right now, but it will happen.”
He wants to have more babies. . . . with me? Me? Holy crap!
“This . . . what we have right here . . . it’s not going to go away just because we lost our baby. It’s bringing us closer together and maybe . . . just maybe we can start going out on dates, like the movies, dinner, theater, whatever. It’s not the end. It’s just the beginning.”

I can’t seem to breathe, he has me completely speechless.
It’s just the beginning—Swoon.

He’s waiting for me to say something,
anything.
Get the words out, June! “We’ll get to know each other better.”

He smiles big. “Yes, exactly. I want that.”

I believe him, I really do.

My voice breaks, I’m so damn emotional, “I do too.”

“Good.” And just like that, he kisses me.
Oh sweet glory, how I have missed those lips.
Unfortunately the sound of his cell phone interrupts our glory. “Shit, sorry,” he mutters in frustration.

“No, please, answer your call, boss.” As he stands up, I take back my coffee and sigh from the heat going down my throat. It tastes so good! I watch Phillip as he’s talking. He’s so professional, it really turns me on. When he finishes and turns my way I quickly look down at my phone, pretending I’m not practically drooling over him. He comes back over to my side and looks sad. I really don’t want him upset, I know he has to leave, but I try my best to put on a cheery face. He needs to know that I’m okay with him going back to work, even though . . . even though I want him to stay and nag me. “You have to go. It’s okay. It might be good to get back into the routine of real life,” I assure him.

“Don’t you have a doctor’s appointment?”

Oh, crap I do!
“Yeah, but my mom is going to take me. No biggy.”

I can see from his expression he wants to take me himself—that inner alpha again. “You going to be okay?” He asks.

“Yes, I’ll be fine,” I try to reassure myself, even though I’m a bit apprehensive about my appointment. “I’m actually going to go into the studio after my appointment. . . . catch up on what I’ve been missing. I have a lot to do.”

He cocks his head to the side. “You think it’s best you go back so soon?”

Awww, he’s just too cute. I love how protective he is of me.
“I’m going a little crazy being stuck in bed. I need to get out . . . get my life back on track. I promise to take it easy.”

He gently brushes the pad of his thumb across my bottom lip and studies it, then meets my eyes again. “I can come by tonight? Cook dinner?”

I nod and smile for him. “Yeah. Sure. I’d really like that.”

He kisses me again and quickly slips his tongue inside.
Mmmm, heaven.
Just as quickly, he unlocks our lips.
No, no, no. . . . don’t leave my lips just yet.
“See you later then,” he promises.

“Bye,” I sigh.

Then he leaves.
Man, I cannot wait for tonight!

My appointment went fine. I wasn’t all too thrilled to be there, but I got it out of the way and survived. The doctor told me that losing the baby had nothing to do with having sex—I wondered about that. I’m glad that wasn’t the reason. She also gave me the clear and said I was looking good, but I couldn’t have sex for four more weeks,
(ugh)
and I could resume back to work—just what I had intended on doing. I couldn’t wait to get away from the hospital, just being there brought back the distraught feelings from two weeks ago. Afterward, my mother dropped me off at the studio; I gave her a hug, thanked her for everything and promised we’d get together for dinner soon.

The minute I walked inside my studio I felt at home again. Damn, I missed this place. Monica greeted me and surprised me with a big box of chocolates. That girl was reading my mind! I devoured the chocolates the second my ass hit my office chair.

Holy Hell, I had a shit load of stuff that needed be done, how was I ever going to catch up? Might need to bring my work home. I picked up another piece of chocolate and got to work.

Before I knew it, it was almost 5 o’clock.

Damn, where did the time go? I text Phillip to let him know I was going to be late for dinner. He responds back with the same exact thing, and then offers to pick me up before eight.
So friggin’ sweet!

A knock on my office door interrupts my little thoughts about Phillip. In comes Faith. “I shouldn’t be surprised you’re here,” she sweeps in with a big smile on her face.
God, my girl is HOT.
Love her new tattoo, her new colored hair, which by the way is now purple. Lucky is going to shit himself when he gets a look at her.

“You know me, nothing can keep me away,” I say as I get to my feet, and reach for Faith’s hug.

She plants her hands on her hips, looking me up and down, “You look good. Healthy,” she states.

I sit back down and fold my arms over my chest. “Thanks. I feel pretty good.”

Faith lands her butt on the edge of my desk. She suddenly frowns. “I’m sorry if I haven’t been around a lot this week.”

I wave a hand. “Faith, you have a life, I understand that. Not everything revolves around me.”

“But still—“

“Look, you have done everything for me, put your life on hold for me, so give yourself a break and just know that I love you. You’re the best and I thank you for being there for me . . . and for Phillip.”

I couldn’t have asked for a better best friend.

She shakes her head and pulls her brows together. “You’re going to be okay,” she realizes.

I slowly grin. “That I am.” I shrug, “I have to be. I have my whole life to have babies. It’s just not going to happen right now.”

Faith gets to her feet and kneels before me; her voice breaks and comes out as a whisper, “You’re amazing, you know that?”

I close my eyes, trying hard not to cry. Instead I take a deep breath and gather my bearings. “No I’m not. I’m just being realistic. I have a good life—filled with people who I love—who love me. I have a career that I am blessed with. Nothing makes me more happy than being right here. It’s a dream.”

Without my friends, family and career, my life would end up in shambles.

“And Phillip? What’s going on with you two?”

I look down, grinning, like I have some sort of secret I’m hiding, but in fact it’s just thinking about him makes my heart beat faster. Talking about him is a different matter; he makes me feel things I’ve never felt with anyone. I love the way he wants to take care of me, or how he bosses me around—yet in a loving way. He’s not an asshole anymore, instead he’s a complete alpha gentleman.
I seriously cannot wait to see him.
“We’re. . . . we’re good. We’ve decided to start fresh. Get to know one another. In fact, he’s coming by to pick me up. He’s making me dinner.”

“I am so happy for you. I really am.” She pulls me into her arms and squeezes me tight. I squeeze back.

“So,” I clear my throat before I start to bawl. I don’t want to have red puffy eyes when Phillip comes by. “I need to tell you something.” I lead Faith over to the loveseat I have across from my desk. Faith looks at me with suspicion. I’ve been thinking a lot of about her and Lucky and his tour. It’s going to be so hard seeing her leave, however those two need to be together. “I give you permission to go on tour—right now—this week.”

Faith blinks with absolute surprise and stumbles upon her words. “June-bug, I can’t this week—“

“Uh, but you are,” I interrupt.

She scoffs and shakes her head, confused. “What are you saying?”

I pat her hand. “Here’s the thing. . . . you were only going to visit for a week, which I don’t think is long enough. . . . you should be there for the rest of the tour.” Faith is looking at me like I am crazy. Maybe I am, but the crazier the better. I continue, “Your mother could take over until you get back. Plus you have Harmony who can be a manager. It’s a win win. Just sayin’.”

She gasps, like she never thought about having her mother take over. “You really think so?”

“Hell yes!” I laugh. “You know you want your mother to stay here permanently, now is the time to settle it. Besides, I already called her and told her.” Faith gasps again. I laugh, “Go talk with her. Now!” I grab her hand, leading her off the couch and usher her toward my office door. I don’t let her get a word in and continue my lecture. I place both hands on her shoulders, biting my lip to keep my emotions in tact. “You need to go be with Lucky. Don’t hold off any longer,” I pause and choke on my last words. “I’ll miss you of course, but it’s the right thing to do.” A tear escapes both our eyes as we pull each other in for a hug. I know it’s only for a few months, but the thought of not having Faith close by is going to be torture. I love her and think of her as the sister I never had.

“You’re the best,” Faith whispers in my ear.

“Lady, that is no news to me,” I jokingly laugh. I suck in my tears and push her out the door. “Now get!”

“I love you!” She shouts as she races out of the studio.

I shout back, “I love you more!”

As soon as Faith exits my studio I go back inside my office and break down.
Fucking hormones!