Juilliard or Else (38 page)

"Wait," I told the waiter, "I'll have a Caesar salad with banana peppers and dressing on the side," I stated to him. The waiter looked over at Alex, which made me look at Alex, but when I did, I saw Tucker standing outside of the restaurant, staring at me through the big fancy windows.

My stomach dropped and turned with sickness and I knew it wasn't from the maybe pregnancy. He was just witnessing the one promise I made, which was now broken. I watched as Tucker pulled up his hood of his gray hoodie and stuffed his hands deep into his front pockets; he shook his head back and forth, looked back up to me one more time, then walked away. I abruptly stood up.

"Tucker," I mumbled out. I ran out of the restaurant, leaving Alex all by himself. I chased Tucker down the sidewalk and when I called out to him, he walked away faster.

"TUCKER!" I screamed as he turned up an alleyway. When I turned to follow, he was stopped and facing towards me, head down with his hands still deep in his pockets. I was very much out of breath as I approached him with caution.

"Tucker," I delicately said to him. I could feel his hot breath hitting my face; my eyes started to water as I watched the father of my possibly little baby struggle with what to say to me.

"What are you doing with him?" he growled out at me.

"I had to come, Carol set me…" But Tucker wouldn't let me finish,

"Are you always going to do what Carol says? I remember you telling me that you don't give a rat's ass what Carol wants you to do. Yet, here you are, having lunch with that asshole, Alex." Tucker pointed towards the front of the alleyway.

"It's not that easy, Tucker. I'm torn,"

Right when that one little word left my mouth, I knew it was a huge mistake. I wasn't torn, not at all. My body, heart and soul wanted only Tucker. So what did I mean when I said that?

I tried stepping towards Tucker; I had to tell him about the baby to get him to understand, but my feet were frozen to the ground and I couldn't move. Why couldn't anyone just let us be together? Something was always pushing us apart. Tucker made me so happy. He knew about my bulimia and helped me with it. Whenever I felt that wretched discomfort coming up my throat, I would turn to him and he would talk to me about how I was feeling. He was there; he would always have my heart, no matter what.

"Tucker, I…" I stuttered at my own words.

"I can't do this anymore, Gabs," Tucker whispered, but I couldn't stand not being close to him. I stepped closer until I felt my shoes hit the tip of his. My forehead inched until it hit his chest. I could feel his heart beating against my head, his breath flowing down the back of my jacket. The wind picked up with an cold icy breeze, and when I tilted my head up to look at Tucker, my eyes watched as snow started to fall.

Snowing while the sun now peeked out was a favorite of mine. "Ha, it's snowing, Tuck," I said. A tear slowly slipped down my cheek and he brushed it away with the tip of his finger.

"Yeah, it is."

Suddenly I felt my heart get warm with the way he was looking down at me. He had the most gorgeous blue eyes. I always found myself lost in them. Tucker leaned down to kiss me. I loved when he would take control to kiss me deeper. His arms wrapped tightly around my waist as I pushed up on my toes to be at his level. I couldn't get close enough to him; my hands went straight into his hair and I pulled lightly, making him groan into my mouth.

"Gabs, I want you so bad," Tucker said breathlessly as shivers ran through my body. I wanted him, too.

"You have me, Tucker, only you."

Then I slammed my lips back to his. My words were very true. I wanted Tucker more than anything. He was right there with my ballet; that's all I wanted. He pulled away from me to look deep into my caramel eyes. More snow started to fall, causing me to shiver, I didn't know how it was possible, but he managed to pull me closer to him.

"Come back with me." I dropped my forehead to his, our noses touching as he softly kissed my lips.

"I can't, Tuck."

"Ugh, why not?"

"I have to go back and talk with Alex. I'll tell him again that I don't want to be with him; I've told him enough that he should finally get the hint this time around. I promise to meet you later. Tomorrow is the last show of
The Nutcracker
, you coming? I have to talk to you about something."

He pulled away from me and I fisted my hands in his shirt to keep him closer. "I don't know, Gabs," he said as he scratched the back of his head. "Will Alex be there?"

I couldn't lie to him; whenever I had a show and my parents came, Carol always dragged Alex along.

"Probably yes." He pulled all the way away from me this time.

"Damnit, Gabs. No!"

Unshed tears stung my eyes. "I'm not going to fight with you about this."

"Just go back to Alex, Gabs. I'll see you later."

Tucker turned on his heel and left the alleyway. I covered my face with my hands and cried into them as the snow slowly fell around my feet. I couldn't chase after him now, even though my heart protested otherwise. I made my way back into the restaurant and to Alex's table. I felt so nauseous to my stomach, feeling like I was going to lose it all over again. Alex shifted uncomfortably in his seat, making me squirm as I looked up at him. He blue eyes were hard and fierce with anger that I had left, which wasn't very lady like on my part.

"Where did you go?" Alex asked.

"I saw someone outside who I had to talk to." The waiter brought out food to our table. Laying down my napkin, I took a sip of my untouched water and started pitching my lettuce with my fork.

"Who?" Alex pushed at me, but I stayed silent. He knew it was Tucker; he just wanted me to admit it out loud. "I know it was him, Abigail. That Tucker guy you think you love."

My head snapped up. "I do love him, Alex. I don't know how many times I have to tell you it's him that I want. Not you."

"He can't take care of you, Abigail, he's just…"

"You and I,
we
can't be together. I love him, not you," I said to him but he ignored my words and continued on talking to me about the firm and a case he was working on with my dad. They were taking on a really big case with some drug dealers in the city. I sat there, motionless in my seat; I poked at my food, wishing Tucker was here with me instead. I couldn't stand being away from him or us fighting; I just wanted him to hold me. Was that too much to ask? Alex finished his food and I barely touched my salad. I did, however, eat the banana peppers, which tasted so good to me.

Alex cleared his throat, "Abigail, are you listening to a word I'm saying to you?"

I stuffed another pepper in my mouth. "No, sorry."

"I said, I want to take you to Paris when you're done with school in June," he stated again and I almost choked on the pepper seeds.

Taking a sip of water, I said, "You want to take me to Paris?"

He nodded at me while taking a gulp of his water, and then smoothed out the tablecloth as I shifted painfully in my seat. "Why Paris?" As I met his gaze, he smiled, his blue eyes fierce and hard but sparkling in the light – but not as much as Tucker's did when he smiles, with the sunlight hitting his face, while he's smoking and shirtless.

Ha, what a dream.

"I talked with your father and he's given me his blessing for us to get married,"

"What?" My fork clattered on my plate, "Married? I don't want to get married, Alex."

"Yes, you do, every girl does," He shrugged like it wasn't a big deal.

"Well, sometime in the future, yes, but right now, no."

I couldn't even think about getting married, especially to Alex. I could be pregnant with Tucker's baby for crying out loud; there was no way I could deal with this. I quickly stood to my feet, almost knocking over my chair backwards if it wasn't for the waiter passing behind me.

"I can't get married to you, Alex, I don't love you."

"I don't love you, either, but I think we could fall in love at some point." Alex claimed, wiping his mouth with the white napkin. I couldn't believe he just said that. No girl or woman would ever go for that type of thing. Plus, he's trying to force me into the situation. This has Carol written all over it – pushing Alex on me like this when he didn't want to marry me anyway.

Where in the hell was all this coming from? All I knew was that I had to have some words with Carol and I had to find Tucker. Like, now!

I found Jade in her room when I got home, headphones on with not a care in the world, but my world was crashing down around me, and I needed her. I collapsed on her bed, but totally missed the edge and fell on the floor with a loud thud.

"Ouch," I cried.

I stayed on the floor as Jade leaned over to look at me, pulling out her earphones, "What's the matter?"

Grabbing a piece of hair to run my fingers through, I then started braiding the little piece and quietly mumbled out, "I think I'm pregnant." I shut my eyes, waiting for her to answer. Counting to five in my head, I peeked up at her. She was so still, like a statue staring off in the distance.

Whispering "Jade" finally got her to blink a couple of times and look at me.

"Umm, have you told Tucker?"

I shook my head against the comforter and kicked off my shoes to curl my knees up under my butt. "Carol called me to have me meet her. Alex was there instead and Tucker saw. He got mad and left, I chased him down, and he left me in the alleyway and I went back to Alex and…"

"You dumbass. What's wrong with you? You know you're blowing it with Tucker by hanging around Alex, right?" I stood up and lay on Jade's bed.

I nodded my head, making my hair go staticky. Of course I knew that and it killed me. Why wouldn't the world just leave us alone so we could be happy? Just have everyone shut the hell up.

"I've been around the shop with Jett when Tucker is there; all he talks about is you. About how beautiful you are. Your hair, your eyes." I silently cried in the white comforter. I was becoming such a cry baby. I really needed to stop. "Why are you still laying here?"

I glanced up at Jade who had a smug look on her face. "Don't look at me like that. Get. Out."

Jade pushed me off her bed and my butt hit the floor. Hard.

"Ow, Jade," I whined.

"Get outta here and go find him. Right now. Don't blow this with him. He's a great guy, someone who balances the two of you just right. Now go and don't come back until you've told him."

Jade was right. I had to tell him; he had a right to know. Even if he was mad at me. He's the only one I've been with; I couldn't keep this from him. I should have told him while we were in the alleyway.

I headed straight for Central Park. I would try there first to see if I could find the green house. That's where I knew he went with Ethan. I pieced that together myself. I half walked, half ran down a pathway when Tucker came out of the trees, looking very much pissed off. I screamed, almost falling backwards.

"Tucker. How did you find me?" I asked as I brushed hair out of my face.

He pulled out a pack of cigarettes to light one up. "I followed you."

I watched him blow smoke out around him; he was somewhat hidden behind the soft cloud and I couldn't make out his expression. "Why were you following me?"

"Because I don't like Alex. I knew you were going to go to him sooner or later."

My heart started to break. "Tucker, I've told you. I don't want him. When are you ever going to see that?" And then Tucker blew up.

"All you want is Alex. You don't fucking want me, all you want is him! I saw you two together! Your face fell when I caught you red-handed."

I had to remember to breathe. "Tucker, how could you say that? You know how much I want to be with you. I'll only choose you; I fell in love with you. Alex only means something to Carol, not me," I yelled at the end, my fingers hitting his chest out of anger.

When was he really going to get this through his thick skull? I really only wanted Tucker in my life. I felt whole being around him. He never pressured me. I watched Tucker pace back and forth in front of me. He took a couple of puffs and stopped pacing. His face tilted up to the afternoon sky and he breathed out, smoke coming out of his nose like a fire breathing mad dragon.