Julian (Beautiful Mine #1) (19 page)

EVIE

I awoke to an empty bed. The alcohol must’ve made me sleep long and hard. That, or I just needed it. The smell of bacon and eggs wafted from the hall, indicating Julian was already up.

I smiled at the thought of him cooking something. The kitchen certainly wasn’t Julian’s domain, but God bless him for trying. The fact that he’d even attempted to make breakfast was a good sign. It meant he was feeling better.

I melted back into the soft covers, not in any kind of a hurry to get up. And then my stomach rumbled. I crawled out from the warm blankets and headed down the hall, but the second the door swung open, I was greeted with the most putrid, sulfuric smell I’d ever smelled before.

“Julian, are you burning something?” I called out as I headed toward the kitchen. We’d have to open some windows and get some candles going. “Oh, my God. No. No. No…”

A skillet filled with burning eggs sizzled on the gas stove while Julian laid unconscious on the kitchen floor. I grabbed my purse and dialed 9-1-1 as I checked his pulse.

“He’s breathing and he has a pulse,” I said to the 9-1-1 operator as she dispatched an EMS team. “But he’s unresponsive.”

Within minutes help had arrived, and I stood back to let them do their thing. I watched with my heart in my stomach as they loaded him up on a stretcher and wheeled him to the back of the ambulance. Once I crawled in behind them, I sat at his side, holding his hand and never letting go.

***

“His liver and pancreas are shutting down,” the doctor said hours later.

I was lying in Julian’s hospital bed with him. I didn’t care how silly it looked. I didn’t care about a damn thing in that moment besides him.

“How?” I asked. “He was just released from here a few days ago. His numbers were better. He was feeling better.”

I questioned myself. I questioned everything. How could I, a trained medical professional, have not seen any warning signs?

“It’s a complication of his disease, Mrs. Garner-Willoughby,” the doctor said. “This is, unfortunately, not uncommon.”

I buried my head into the crook of Julian’s neck, snuggled in tight as I waited for the doctor to leave. I just wanted to be alone with him.

“I think we’ve spent more time in hospital beds together than our own,” I said to him. “Kind of messed up, huh?”

It made me feel better to talk to him, even if he couldn’t respond. I knew he heard me. I knew he felt me. Julian was a strong man. He’d been through so much and come out on top every time, and I refused to believe this time was going to be any different.

“I know you can hear me,” I whispered into his ear. Our fingers interlaced, I continued, “I love you so much. Please don’t leave me. Okay?”

I breathed him in. All of him. Sterilized hospital gown. Burnt eggs. A hint of soap from his morning shower. And then I felt it: a squeeze. Or maybe it was a twitch.

“Julian,” I said, springing up. “Do that again.”

I waited. And waited. But there was nothing. I told myself I’d just imagined it, but a small part of me held out a tiny sliver of hope.

I stayed by his side the rest of the day, leaving only once to grab a quick bite and some coffee from the cafeteria. I studied his face for signs that he was waking up, and at times, I swore to the nurses I’d seen his eyes flutter or his face twitch. I never let go of his hand, hoping for one more squeeze.

“Sweetie,” a nurse said late that night. “You’ve been here all day. You need to go home and get some rest. He’ll be here when you come back in the morning.”

“I know,” I said, not wanting to unglue myself from him for one second.

“Visiting hours ended a while ago,” she said in a matronly tone, cocking her head to the side.

“Thanks for letting me stay,” I said. “I just can’t leave him.”

“I know, sweetie,” she said as she recorded his vitals. “Why don’t you go home, sleep in your own bed, and come back first thing tomorrow? You’ve got to take care of yourself. He needs you to be strong so you can take care of him when he gets better.”

“True,” I said with a fatigued sigh, sitting up and reluctantly unpeeling myself from under his covers. The thought of leaving him there alone all night tore me up inside, but the nurse had a point.

With heavy eyes and an even heavier heart, I said my quiet goodnight to Julian and promised to return first thing in the morning. I lingered for a moment, hoping for one final sign from him before I left, but it never happened. I left him with a kiss and stroked his soft cheek.

***

I peeled off my clothes the second I got home and slipped under the covers of our bed. I hated sleeping alone, and despite his three week stint in the hospital the last time, I’d never grown used to it.

I tossed and turned for hours, even resorting to turning on the T.V. in the bedroom, which ran loop after loop of infomercials and vintage sitcoms rife with canned laughter. I focused on the bright screen until my eyelids grew heavy and eventually won over my busy mind.

Fading in and out of sleep all night, at one point I could’ve sworn I felt him. A shift on the bed, a warmth, a soft kiss on my cheek. It was all so real.

“Julian,” I moaned from my dreamlike state.

When I woke hours later, the bed was empty and Julian’s side was ice cold. It was just me. Always had been. The alarm clock read six a.m., and I wasted no time getting ready. My stomach fluttered at the thought of walking into his room and finding him sitting up in bed, watching the news, eating his breakfast, and greeting me with the biggest smile in the world.

In the middle of my shower, the faint ring of my phone trailed down the hall. A phone call at six a.m. was never a good thing, but maybe it was him? Maybe he’d woken up and was calling to tell me? Excited, I jumped out of the shower, water still running, and ran down the hall to retrieve my phone. The caller I.D. said Mercy Hope Hospital.

“This is Evie,” I said breathlessly.

“Evie Garner-Willoughby?” the woman’s voice on the other end asked, emotionless.

“Yes.”

“This is Joanne at Mercy Hope. I’m a nurse,” she said.

“Is Julian okay?” I asked immediately as my damp body dried in the middle of my room and wet hair clung to my back. “Did he wake up? Please tell me he woke up.”

The nurse hesitated on the other end, sending my stomach into a freefall.

“Can you come down to the hospital please?” she asked, not answering my question.

“What’s going on?” I demanded.

“The doctor would like to speak to you,” she said.

A nurse by trade, I knew what it meant when a doctor wanted to meet with family and the nurse was tightlipped.

“No, no, no,” I said, sobbing. “No…”

“Evie,” the nurse said, her voice growing sympathetic. I couldn’t be mad at her. I knew she was just doing her job. “Please come down to the hospital.”

“He’s gone, isn’t he?” I wailed as I fell to the floor, naked and afraid of what she was about to tell me.

“Please come to the hospital immediately,” she repeated.

I threw the phone across the room, leaving shards of screen glass and chunks of plastic scattered about. My entire life had gone up into flames after a two-minute phone call.

I heaved myself onto our bed and grabbed Julian’s pillow, which still smelled like him. It was all I had left. He was gone. I’d never see his beautiful hazel eyes again or lose myself in his devilish grins or laugh at his smart-mouthed jokes. I’d never hear him tell me he loved me again or how gorgeous I looked in sweats and a faded t-shirt. I’d never get to cook for him again or take a leisurely walk around the neighborhood with him. I’d never get to travel the world with him.

After a good, hard cry, I got myself cleaned up and headed to the hospital. With eyes nearly swollen shut, I could hardly drive there, and when I pulled up, I doubted my ability to walk myself in. My entire body was trembling, unsteady, and there was no one to hold me up but myself.

I made my way inside, each step bringing me closer to my new reality. I stepped into his room where his lifeless body was covered with a clean, white sheet. I pulled the sheet from his face, which was drained of all color. His blue lips, the very ones I’d kissed the night before, were rigid and cold, never to smile again, never to speak again, never to kiss me again.

“Mrs. Garner-Willoughby?” a man’s voice said from the doorway. I turned to see a doctor standing before me, his arms crossed and an expression that told me he hated this part of his job. “I’m so sorry for your loss. Julian’s body was going through a lot. His organs were shutting down, and it just happened too quickly. His body couldn’t handle fighting a lung infection as well as the loss of pancreatic function and elevated liver enzymes all at the same time.”

I nodded, listening, but my gaze was on Julian. I didn’t want to hear it. None of it mattered. None of it would bring him back.

“He fought hard,” the doctor continued. “But ultimately, his body just gave up. He’d been through too much.”

“I know,” I said. “He was a fighter.”

“If you have any more questions, I’m Dr. White,” he said before stepping out of the room and leaving me alone with nothing except my husband’s cold body and some memories.

“My baby,” a woman’s shrill voice shrieked from outside. Her sobs were real. And maybe Julian would’ve denied it, but I couldn’t. They were the cries of a mother who’d just lost her son.

Caroline entered the room, ignoring me, and ran to Julian’s lifeless body. Arthur followed behind, a pained look on his stiff-lipped face. Caroline cried out over her son’s body, and as much as I didn’t want to be around her, I stayed for Julian’s sake. It was what he would’ve wanted.

“How you holding up, Evie?” Arthur asked, breaking the awkward silence. “We’ve always known this day would come.” He rubbed Caroline’s back as she sobbed.

Two transporters came in and regretfully announced they had to move his body to the morgue, upsetting Caroline even more.

“I barely got to see him!” she wailed. “I need more time!”

His cold, dead body was covered up again and wheeled away as the men insisted they were just doing their job.

My eyes burned as I walked out to my car, trying not to lose my composure. I held it in until I got home, and then I lost it. Hours upon hours of crying, screaming, sobbing, and wailing. And then a little bit of sleep to forget about life for a while.

***

His funeral was on a Tuesday. It was small, yet elegant. He didn’t have a lot of friends, or even many acquaintances, but both of our parents were there, as well as Carys. A handful of distant relatives from his side of the family and a few strange faces peppered the rest of the small crowd.

The funeral director gave me some alone time with Julian’s body before the service. He didn’t look the same, but he looked peaceful. His body had been through so much in his short twenty-four years, and he was finally getting to rest.

As I exited the viewing room, I ran into Arthur and Caroline, who were waiting outside for their turn. Caroline shot me a dirty look before whispering something into Arthur’s ear. Categorically Caroline. Julian was right. She wasn’t human.

“Caroline,” I said, unable to help myself. “I know you have your opinions about me, and that’s fine, but I just want you to know that I loved your son. He was the love of my life. No one will ever be able to replace him. I loved him, Caroline. I loved him.”

Her eyes shifted uncomfortably. She had no response. I knew she believed me, and it was perfectly fine with me if she would never admit it. I just wanted her to hear it.