Jumper Cable (39 page)

“Oh!” Sharon exclaimed, outraged. Then she re oriented, assuming her most luscious nude form. “But you, Prince Jumper— you could probably use a mistress, for those dull intervals when your spouse is busy or asleep.” She bounced in place, impressively. “How would you like—”

“He does not need anything of the kind,” Eris said so firmly that small sparks flew from her words. “Nor will he in the future. I will assume any form he might like, for what ever purpose, including your form.”

“Not that form,” Jumper said quickly. “It would make me ner vous.”

“You’re still impossible,” Sharon said, and vanished in a cloud of acrid smoke. Jumper hoped he had seen the last of her, so that he would never again be tempted.

Now was the half-sad time for his leave-taking. “I will miss yew,”

Wenda told Jumper tearfully. “But I wood knot change a thing about this day.” She kissed him and departed with Prince Charming. Jumper gazed after them. Of all the girls, he cared for Wenda most, and was most glad for her happiness. As Charming put it, she might be half there physically, but she was all there in spirit, and that did count more.

“She will fill out when the stork delivers,” Eris murmured. “It is love fulfilled that makes a woodwife a full woman.”

That was gratifying to know. Wenda was certainly deserving. The others said similar things as they left. Jumper knew he would miss them all, especially Phanta and Eve, who had loved him in more than the routine manner. But all of them had the considerable compensation of their spouses, and knowledge of their joint achievement. All except Dawn, ironically, who had found the key to Eris’s salvation and his own.

“Too bad you didn’t make it also with Dawn,” Eris murmured.

“Now, of course it is too late. You’re married.”

He stared at her, appalled. She could read his thoughts!

“Of course,” Eris agreed. “I’m a De mon ess. That’s how I knew you were such a good person. Do not be concerned; I am not jealous of your prior experience. I will give you future experience to make it pale in comparison.”

“Uh, thank you,” he said, as another couple approached. He was glad he had married her, but realized that there would be considerable adjustments to make. She was no ordinary woman.

“Correct,” she agreed, squeezing his hand. “But now I have half your soul, and that tempers my Demon nature. I married you for my freedom, but already I am discovering the joy of my burgeoning love for you. I will devote my considerable expertise to making you the happiest creature extant.”

He was unable to reply, as the couple was with them now: Pluto and

Eve, he looking not as regretful about acquiring the moral discipline of half a soul as he might have been. But of course Eve was about as lovely and talented as a mortal girl could be; that was very likely some compensation. “Fare well, Jumper,” Eve said. “I know you will find your marriage to a Demon well worthwhile.”

“I surely will,” he agreed. “Fare well.” He felt his crush on Eris solidifying like her freed body, fleshing out as it were into complete and enduring love. He couldn’t do much about it at the moment, because Phanta and Shep were approaching. The forms had to be followed to the end, and Phanta, too, was special.

Finally Jumper was left alone with his bride. Eris, becoming fully soft and solid, murmured in his ear. “There will be a complication, now that you are my prince consort.”

Not another complication! But he needed to know it. “What is it?”

“Marriage to you, a mortal prince, freed me from captivity. I am duly grateful, and expect to see that you are never sorry for saving me. But there will also be an effect on you. A leakage of my power that can’t be helped if we are to be close, as we shall be.” She kissed his human ear, and squeezed him in an intimate place. “Very close.”

“What is it?” he repeated grimly.

“You will be immortal. That is to say, no longer mortal. You won’t die in a spider’s life of months or a human being’s life of de cades. You will remain young and healthy indefinitely. It can’t be helped, in this circumstance. I hope that does not annoy you unduly.”

He stared at her. “This is a joke?”

“No. I’m sorry if it disturbs you.”

Jumper knew it would be some time before he fully comprehended the significance of it. But at the moment all he had was his first impression. “I can live with it.”

She laughed. “You will have to.” She kissed him again. “Now come with me into my parlor. We have experiences to explore together.”

“Yes, dear,” he agreed, not at all reluctantly.

This is Xanth #33, six novels into the second magic trilogy of three cubed. Some readers want the series to continue forever; some critics fear it will. I have tried to slowly age the material, so that some four-letter words are used though generally bleeped out, and some adults signal the stork onstage instead of in the unmentioned background. But in general this remains a fun series, suitable for mature children if not for the freakable mothers of teens.

Some readers complain about all the puns. Well, other readers are busy sending them in, and I must either use them or throw them away, which seems wasteful. Even a pun has some right to exist. If I try to discourage readers from sending them, they get mad and send them anyway. Some send pages of puns, or complicated plots. One problem is that some characters or ideas deserve a much fuller treatment than I can give them, so they get passed off incidentally, and I feel guilty about that. Sometimes they get their fuller treatment in a later novel, as was the case with Olive Hue and her imaginary friends. So I use what I can, in the context of the ongoing story, thinking of it as being like nuts in a fruitcake or decorations on a fun house. One example is the five marvelous children in chapter 13, credited below: Seva Yugov sent about six full pages of descriptions of their talents, with all the nuances. He had really worked them out. But here only a fraction of that appears, because unless the characters are major, I can’t spare the space to round them out completely. Sometimes it seems a shame. The truth is it would be easier for me to write these novels without any reader input; I use reader notions as a courtesy rather than from need. My fan mail still takes a significant portion of my working time, perhaps a third of it. No, I don’t consider that time wasted; I learn things from my readers, and they are worthy people. But it doesn’t make my writing easier. Another feedback I get is about the naughtiness in Xanth. Xanth consists of magic, wordplay, puns, literalism, honor, wonder, parody, and other forms of humor, as well as adventure and romance in a land that resembles the state of Florida transformed, but it’s the one percent naughtiness that conjures some folks’ ire, as mentioned above. Ministers, older women, and the parents of teens tend to get ner vous when pan ties are glimpsed. This novel, with half a slew of glimpses of bras and pan ties, abetted by the protagonist’s discovery of love and sex, is apt to cost me some readers. But Xanth is and always was an adult series; it’s not even listed for children. If I limit it to what some folk think is suitable for children, it will become an unrecognized children’s series and lose its adult readers. Let’s face it: a person who freaks out at the mere mention of pan ties is going to have a problem with all adult literature, movies, tele vi sion, and games, not to mention real life. Children who insist on reading adult fantasy seem to be able to handle Xanth readily enough, even if their parents can’t. Girls have even sent me panty notions; they like panty power. Boys seem to like sneak peeks. As far as I know, it does not send any of them into criminal careers. So Xanth is as it is, and readers who are alienated by this sort of humor are free to take their business elsewhere.

I am getting old, seventy-three at this writing, and perhaps getting crusty in my dotage. I try to keep fit with exercise and healthy diet, but the maladies of age are creeping up on me nevertheless. I live in Florida, on our small tree farm, but never quite discovered the address of the Fountain of Youth. As I started writing this novel I was undergoing physical therapy for an inflammation of my right shoulder joint that incapacitated my arm. I couldn’t even do my hair, which I have grown out since my wife is no longer able to cut it monthly; now it’s over a foot long and I wear it in a ponytail. So I notice ponytails on men and women. In general the women have neater ones, though not always. When I wear my hair loose around the house, it warms my ears and neck; maybe that’s its natural purpose. But I was unable to reach it with my right hand, and so for a few days my wife did it for me. One day she even braided it. Fortunately the therapy was effective, and now my arm is functioning again. It never interfered with my typing, which required only very limited motion of my arm.

My wife had heart surgery. Technically, it was a replacement of an aortic aneurysm. That is, the largest artery in the body had swollen as it left the heart so that it looked almost as big as the heart itself. If it ruptured, she would have been dead in seconds. They set a new section inside, like filling an old stretched hose with a smaller tighter hose. The surgery was successful, and her slow recovery continued as I wrote the novel. I had already been doing the meals and dishes; for several months I did the laundry too. I also go with her when she leaves the house for shopping and doctors’ appointments, just in case. We have been married fifty-one years, and we each do what it takes to make it work. But I no longer write novels at quite the rate I used to. It’s a kind of payback; early on my wife went to work to earn our living so that I could stay home and try to be a writer. Otherwise I would not have made it. I have not forgotten.

Those who want to know more about me are welcome to visit my Web site, http:// www .hipiers .com, where I have a bimonthly blog-type column and maintain an ongoing survey of electronic publishers and related ser vices. The idea is to help make it easier for writers who are starting out and can’t get the attention of traditional print publishers or literary agents. Writing is still likely to be a soul-crushing enterprise, but at least there is some faint hope.

Now here is the list of contributors, in the approximate order of the use of their ideas in this novel.

Flies in ointment, tangled web, running gag, fruit bat, soul food plant, draw bridge magic, rattler as baby ogre’s toy, fish quartet, Ice Cap, Cocoa Nut Tree— Robert. Wood Wife to become Mother Board—

James Patterson. Anti-streaking agent— Michelle Johnson. No Gard (dragon)—

Dale Dellatore. Biting Wind,

Headphones—

Sondra Lynn

Holzmann. Oxalate, controlling oxygen— Jordan Kirby. Maenad trying to flee the stork, Infectious laughter, Cooking up a storm— Heather

“Heatherlark” Ennis. Keeping an eye on someone— Sara Cornelius. Inanimate objects hide in the last place you look— Aftyn Skye. Shield that protects a person too much— Joseph Gruber. Harbinger-binging messenger— Christopher Ward.

Haughty Harpy/Hottie

Harpie—

Daniel Forbes. Phanta, who becomes a

ghost—

Erin Patterson. Olive

Hue—

who makes imaginary

friends with real talents, from Pet Peeve— Tammy Yuen and Evan McCoy, with the suggestion to use her here by Lisa Nicole from alchemy unplugged .com. Gene Blue, with talent of making blue jeans— Sondra Lynn Holzmann. Jamie, who makes things heavier— Paul Michael Pat node. Portable section of an enchanted path— Jestin Larson. Hail Mary, Ro-boat, Quarter Pounder, Mountain Bike, D Tergent, the sticks, The Cate

family—

Tim Bruening.

Cottonwood—

Rebecca Fanning.

Fen

fen—Rick Baker. Explosive Bamboo, Seal, Steel reaches out to take things— Ianus Stanton. Mercury Merman, who changes the temperature of water— Daniel Forbes.

Talent of turning wine to water— Caitlin and Shannon. Talent of pushing water away from the body— Ian Doig. Talent of transforming his arms into anything, Para site— Anthony V. Eye of the Bee-holder—

Todd Snowder. Talent: turn gold to lead— Michael Eddy. Miss Gesundheit, who sneezes her head off— Nada. Auntie Depressant, who affects depression— John Urschel. The Burr Family— Davis Hunks. The Tard

Family—

Gordon V Pemrich. Ring

Bear—

Richard B Lively. Hedge

Hog— Noah Hibbard. Porky Pine— Dallas Smith. Census Burro— Bev in Bellingham. Aukward bird— Ave Ornstein. Wall-rus—Carol Jacob. Pluto demoted by Demon bet— Daniel Colpi, Sparrow. Pluto reduced to a regular character, dating Dawn & Eve, Samantha— Zachary Smitherman. Half Jumper’s legs positive, half negative, to straddle Internet and Outernet; Demon Pluto knocks out the cable— Misty Zaebst. Angie Ina, heart throb, drop dead gorgeous— Dexter L Davis. Talent of touching a picture and being transported there— Michael Lindsay. Bicycle in Xanth— Don Hallenbeck. Luters, who steal from abandoned music shops— Tom Marrin. Stretcher stretches user— David Smith. Curse of falling in love only with committed folk— Chelsea J Young. Hugh Mann, who can change the description of

things—

Della Mae Stouder and

Brother Rocky. Moosical— Michelle Webber.

Fiddler crabs— Moniqa Beatty. Jelly from jellyfish— Ariane West. Okra Ogre ogle riddle— Gary “Kaa” Henderson. Drakin— winged humanoid dragons— Dale Ashburn. C Duce the Cemoness— Tom Marrin. Sir puns— Mitchell Wooden. Sammy Cat and Claire Voyant have cat o’9 tails— Judi Trainor. Kitten Kaboodle— Michael VanderMay. Jenny Elf and Sammy Cat on the Lost Trail, Found Cabin, and contents. Dora and the spirit of Hope, Drums of Dole, Blue Funk— David Deschampheiaere. Talent of Empathy— Jose “Jj” Valest. Flion— winged lion who can speak— Leonis Lelan.

Conjured grape jam, Coven Tree— Jim Gandee. Anna Phylactic, with allergy— Deb Murray. Willie–Nillie twins— Jay Yates. Talent of Centaur Persuasion— Willie Pryor. Booby trap— Glenn E Moss. Ma chine and

Pa-chine—Caraleigh Daugherty. Sun

glasses—

Jeremy

Leask. Little Foot becomes Doll Fin— Todd Ross. Coy koi— A DeKrey. Fat Farm, Bare Lake, Anne Orexic— Dave Thomas. Sati Sfaction, who can sense ghosts, Belial Sfaction, who can make dust creatures— Stefan Sanchez. Porkypine— Phil Giles, Katy Gaston, Noah Hibbard. Hook Up— Moniqa Beatty.