Junk (32 page)

“And you had no one to talk to about it.”

“No one. Not till now.”

Lewis’s thumb ghosted over Jasper’s knuckles for a few minutes as they sat in silence. “I think I’m starting to understand what got you started hoarding.”

Jasper couldn’t hold back a wry laugh. “Care to enlighten me?”

“You’d just let your mother go and were all alone. You didn’t want to let anything else go. Couldn’t handle the responsibility. And yet you didn’t want to have to be reminded about her all the time, so you started stacking the books in front of everything. Covering it all up. Building walls around yourself. Around your heart.”

“They’re not there anymore.”
You own my heart,
he wanted to say, but didn’t quite have the courage.

“I keep thinking of you looking after her for all those years when you should have been out there, having a life. That’s some strong sense of obligation you’ve got there. You need to look out for yourself more. You won’t be any use at helping others if you don’t take time out for yourself,” Lewis said, his tone far more fierce than the words seemed to warrant.

It put Jasper on the defensive. “There’s nothing wrong with having a sense of duty. I couldn’t have left her like that, could I?”

“No, but…”

“But what? Now you’re going to tell me there’s some kind of problem I have to overcome here as well? I’m never going to be perfect, you know.”

“I know that!” In the hush of the gallery, Lewis’s muttered words sounded more like a shout. “It’s just… Oh crap. You really want to know why that bothers me? Fine. I’m just bloody paranoid that when you get your hoarding all under control, you’re not going to need me anymore, are you?”

“I’ll always need you.”

“You won’t. The therapeutic process will be over, and all these feelings you have for me, they’re going to fall away. You’ll see me for who I really am, and I’m warning you, I’m nowhere near as together as I look.”

What exactly was the problem here? Was Lewis worried about being abandoned? “I’d never abandon you,” he said, putting as much of his surety into his voice as he knew how to.

“Yes, exactly!” Lewis threw his hands wide, exasperation radiating from every line of his body. “Knowing you, you’ll stay with me anyway because you feel obliged to. Then we’ll be stuck together in a half-dead relationship, just hanging on for old time’s sake. I don’t want to put either of us through that.”

Jasper stared into Lewis’s eyes, trying to fathom the reasoning that had got Lewis to this scrambled assessment of their future together. “It’s not going to be like that.”

“You can’t say that. You don’t know how things will pan out.”

“Well then, neither do you.”

“Jasper, I’ve got a degree in this kind of thing. I know how transference works.”

The man was every bit as stubborn as he was.

Jasper’s stomach went into free fall. “Then what do you suggest? There must be something I can do to put things right.” He wasn’t going to give up on them. Not now. Not ever.

Silence reigned for what felt like hours, until Lewis opened his mouth. “Listen, please. I really, really care for you. You know that, don’t you?”

Jasper nodded but didn’t trust his voice to speak.

Lewis continued. “I know you want us to be a proper couple, and I do want that too. You’ve got to believe me. It’s just… I need to know you can be strong enough on your own too. I need to know you’re recovered before I let myself fall in love with you.”

“And what does that entail, exactly? A full recovery.”

Lewis looked down at his lap. “It means a time apart. Six months, minimum. And for you not to have slipped back into depression and hoarding during that time.”

“I see.” Anger crawled up from somewhere deep inside Jasper. He hadn’t even realised he’d hidden it there, but the surge lent a bitterness to his words. “Is this something you’ve read in your therapists’ manual, then? The six-months thing?”

“No. And most therapists would say it should be much longer than that before starting up a relationship, if ever. This is just what I would feel comfortable with.”

“And what about what I’d feel comfortable with? You’re abandoning me to fend for myself.”

“Jasper, you’re a grown man. I want you to feel strong in yourself. I don’t want you feeling dependent. Like you have no choice but to be with me. That kind of thing is poisonous in the long-term. I really don’t want us to be together if you still believe you couldn’t cope without me.”

“That’s what you think I believe?”

“Well, don’t you?” Lewis raised his head, and now Jasper could see the depth of anguish there. Okay, so Lewis was just as cut up about this as he was. Maybe it wasn’t just a bit of pedantic rule-following after all.

Could he do it without Lewis? Could he manage for six months? It was the middle of August now. That would take them until the middle of February. The shortening days and cold weather would be a challenge, as that always got him down, but at least the autumn term was usually busy at work, what with giving all the new students their library-orientation sessions.

He didn’t want to go it alone now he had Lewis in his grasp, but then again, he didn’t want them to be in a relationship if Lewis couldn’t trust in him.

Jasper thought of the long months ahead. Months filled with sorting his hoard and restocking his house. He sighed. It would be tough to do it alone, but hadn’t he been alone for years now? In that respect, it wouldn’t be so very different to life as usual. Just this time, with far fewer books. And maybe Lewis was right. He wouldn’t need them in the same way now he’d made peace with Mama. “Okay.”

“Okay what?”

Jasper lifted Lewis’s chin and kissed him, ever so lightly. “Okay. I agree.”

“You do?” Now Lewis really didn’t sound like he believed him.

“I don’t want you doubting me. I can prove it to you. I can do the rest of the clear-out by myself.”

“Wait, I wasn’t suggesting you go it alone straight away. You’re going to need me over the next few months.”

“I’m not. I can do it. You’ve shown me how.”

“But, really, this isn’t necessary. Not yet.” Some people walked into the gallery, and Jasper made a shushing noise, but Lewis waved his hand irritably. “I thought we’d have longer together first. Getting to know each other. Building a bond.” He leaned closer and breathed into Jasper’s ear. “I want to wake up next to you again.”

Oh God, Jasper wanted that too. But to do so knowing the days were numbered? That a six-month separation was looming? “Isn’t that just going to make it even tougher to separate? I’d rather do it now.”

“But I want us to be secure with each other first. To know what we’re feeling is real.”

“For fuck’s sake, Lewis! I’m one hundred percent sure of the way I feel. Never been more sure about anything in my entire life.”

Confusion and resentment washed over Lewis’s face. Oh, so it wasn’t merely that Lewis had doubts about Jasper’s state of mind. He had doubts about his own. The knowledge tempered Jasper’s irritation, and his voice dropped in pitch. “Maybe that time apart will be useful for you too. Absence makes the heart grow fonder, so I hear. Mama used to tell me that all the time.”

Lewis half smiled. Anyone who didn’t know him would probably think he looked composed, but Jasper could see the unshed tears in his eyes. “I wish I had your confidence.”

“I wish you did too.”

Lewis rose and walked over to the painting of the garden. Then he turned, crossed half the distance between them and halted. “I’m going to want Carroll to make regular visits and check in with you. Make sure you’re getting any support you need. You’ll need to talk through all this you’ve just told me, too. Your mother, I mean. There’s still work to be done there.”

“I thought the object was for me to go it alone.”

“Not completely alone. The object isn’t for you to go through life without help from others. Just to make sure it’s a healthy kind of help rather than an overdependence on one person. Do you get the distinction I’m trying to make?”

“Of course.”

“Good. Then…is this it? For now?”

Jasper looked up at the ceiling, but there was no help on offer there. “Dragging things out is only going to make it tougher on both of us.”

“Can we meet up in a couple of weeks? Just for coffee?” There was an almost plaintive note in Lewis’s voice.

“I don’t think so. I think that’s just going to make things more painful.” Judging by the way he currently pined for Lewis when they were apart and spent almost every waking hour counting the minutes until their next meeting… Yes, it would be easier to find his equilibrium without that upset looming. “Cold turkey is going to work best for me.”

“But I’m going to need to know how you’re doing. You can’t just abandon me like that.”

“Carroll will keep you posted, I’m sure.”

Lewis glanced at his watch, desperation in his eyes. “It’s the fourteenth. So I’m not going to see you again till the fourteenth of February?”

“This is good-bye? Here? Right now?”

It was hard to resist the pleading in Lewis’s eyes, but damn it, it was his scruples that had resulted in this whole situation.

And worse yet, deep down Jasper knew Lewis was probably right to insist on it.

He pulled Lewis to him. There, in the gallery in front of the other browsers, and kissed the pout right off Lewis’s face. Time to store up as much of Lewis as he could. The taste of him. The sensation of his lean body moulded to Jasper’s. Those desperate little sounds he made in his throat. Jasper kept it up until the bittersweet pleasure of it all threatened to make him sob.

“It’s not good-bye,” Jasper said as he pulled back. He held Lewis’s chin and rubbed the saliva from it with his thumb. Lewis’s eyes glittered, and a single tear slid down his cheek. “Just
à bientôt
.”

He turned away before he wouldn’t be able to.

It was the hardest thing he’d ever done.

He’d finally hit one hundred percent on that bloody scale.

Chapter Thirty-Two

A month later, and the memory of Jasper’s slumped shoulders as he walked away from him still haunted Lewis every idle moment. He couldn’t help trying to fix the memory, to go in there and say things differently. To explain it all so that Jasper would understand and see why things had to be this way. If he’d chosen his words differently, maybe Jasper would even have agreed to the occasional meeting together.

Being without him was miserable, Lewis decided. Not that he and Jasper had ever really been together, after all, but even just the chance to spend a few hours working with him had filled his need for meaningful human contact. No one else in his life seemed to be able to these days. Not even his twin sister, who was currently frowning at him from the driver’s seat of the van. They were outside the Lehrmans’ place, so at least he had an excuse for being miserable.

“Jesus fucking Christ, will you stop moping around with a face like a wet bloody fortnight in Wales. You’ve had a whole month to get over him.”

“Over who?”

“Don’t you dare! It’s your own bloody fault too. Stupid men and their stupid pride.”

“It’s not pride!” They’d been over this so many times in the past five weeks, he was starting to feel like a broken record.

“Right, right. It’s your
professional
duty, I know.” Carroll glared at him. “Nothing to do with the fact you’re still trying to prove to Mum you’re a proper psychotherapist. I mean, God forbid she think you were like me. Just a glorified cleaner with a counselling certificate that’s not worth the paper it’s printed on.”

“You’re not a glorified cleaner,” he began, but Carroll was already slamming the van door behind her. She stomped up the path. “I think you’re amazing,” he whispered to himself. Carroll knew exactly who she was and what she wanted, and she grabbed hold of it with both hands. He should be following her example, really.

Raised voices sounded from the front door. Carroll was using her brusquest, no-nonsense tones on Mr. Lehrman, which always ended up making the stubborn old git dig his heels in even more firmly. God help them both. Intent on damage limitation, Lewis set off after her.

“I’m still going through the process,” Mr. Lehrman was whining when Lewis reached the front door. “Your brother said I don’t need to get rid of anything till I’m ready, and I’m not ready, am I?”

When the old man turned his rheumy eyes in his direction, Lewis almost buckled and gave in again, like he always did, but glanced at Carroll first. She looked fit to murder someone, and very possibly that unfortunate person would be him if he didn’t back her up.

“Actually, I do think you’re ready,” he began, watching incredulity wipe out Mr. Lehrman’s self-satisfied smile. “You’ve been ready for a long time, as has your sister.”

“She’s always on at me about it. She’s as bad as you lot. Always nagging and fussing. Well, it’s my stuff, not hers.”

“Yes, but it’s her house.” Lewis had checked, and it had been left to her by her late husband. “You should show her a bit more respect after she’s put you up for so many years. And besides, that lot at the Council are this close to slapping a statutory notice to clear on you. If you don’t start working with us, you’ll end up having them clear the whole lot out in one go and chuck it all into landfill.”