Junonia (12 page)

The night was still, the shadows unwavering. For a while, Alice imagined playing Sweet or Sour with Mallory and Helen Blair on the streets of the Chinese village.

Her mind wandered. She thought that time passed more slowly at night, especially when you were trying so hard to fall asleep.

She yawned. Tomorrow would be a morning full of good-byes. But now, she realized, was the beginning of the good-byes, because this was the last night. She forced herself to close her eyes.

 

At the horizon, clouds crammed the sky like rolls of cotton smashed against glass. But up above, the sky was a bright blue bowl. And, under it, Alice, saturated in sunlight, was saying good-bye.

She'd already been down to the ocean and back three times. Once, running as fast as she could. Once, walking and trying to keep her eyes closed as much as possible. And once, listing slightly to one side and then the other, pretending that the wind was shifting.

She'd said good-bye to the sand heart, which wasn't much more than a dimpled hump. She'd said good-bye to the dolphins—wherever they were under the water. She'd said good-bye to the pelicans and the gulls and the sandpipers.

When Alice and her parents walked down to Mr. Barden's cottage to say good-bye to him, he seemed less substantial and extra frail to Alice, as though he'd shrunk overnight. His eyes behind his glasses were watery.

Alice stood taut and stayed right by her father. “See you next year,” she said cheerfully, keeping her distance.

“If I'm still alive,” Mr. Barden replied.

Alice looked away and let the adults do the rest of the talking.

Then they stopped at the Wishmeiers'. Alice's parents gave the Wishmeiers two bags of groceries, odds and ends they hadn't used. The Wishmeiers gave Alice big, long hugs and a little box filled with chocolates in dark brown, fluted paper cups.

“It won't be the same around here without you,” said Mr. Wishmeier.

“Agreed,” said Mrs. Wishmeier.

“Thank you for the junonia,” said Alice.

Mr. Wishmeier drew in his lips as if he were absorbed in thought. He nodded emphatically. “Thank
you
,” he said.

As Alice and her parents walked away, Alice turned and waved until her arm hurt.

Next they said good-bye to the ocean.

Alice sighed so deeply, she felt several inches taller.

“Don't worry,” said Alice's father. “It'll be here next year.”

“It went so fast,” said Alice's mother.

The sun—or the thought of leaving—had made Alice tired. She wanted to curl up on the beach and nap for a year. It was hard to believe she'd be sleeping in her own bed that night. “Good-bye,” she whispered.

Minutes later, in the car, she said good-bye again—to Scallop—and they were on their way to the airport.

When they were driving on the bridge to the mainland, Alice felt the first stirrings of unpleasantness in the pit of her belly. The same feeling she'd experienced on her arrival. But as soon as the feeling rose up, it stopped. Suddenly she felt as if she were the center of everything, like the sun. She was thinking: Here I am. I have my parents. We're alone together. I will never be old. I will never die. It's right now. I'm ten.

Mitch Sinclair was slowly taking over the house, staking his claim. He had just finished carving his initials into the underside of the wooden porch railing, which was his boldest move so far. The other things he had done had required much less courage. He had swept the front stoop with his grandmother's broom. He had cleaned the decaying leaves and the puddle of murky water out of the birdbath in the side yard and filled it with fresh water. He had spat on the huge rotting tree stump at the corner of the lot each day for the past week, marking the territory as his. And he had taken to crawling under the screened back porch during the hot afternoons; he'd lean against the brick foundation in the cool shade, imagining a different life, if, as his mother had said, their old life was over. Forever.

Although he'd seen the house many times while visiting his grandparents, Mitch had never paid much attention to it before. The house was vacant. It was old and plain—white clapboard with dark green trim—and had been neglected for quite a while, so that all its lines, angles, and corners were softened like the edges on a well-used bar of soap. The windows were curtained, keeping the interior hidden. However, the curtains covering the small oval window on the back door were parted slightly, offering a glimpse of a sparsely furnished, shadowy corner of a room. That's all. With some hesitancy, Mitch had tried to open the door, turning the loose knob gently at first, then rattling it harder and harder. The door wouldn't budge. The front door was locked as well. Mitch's grandparents' house stood a short distance from the vacant one. The two yards were separated by a row of scraggly lilac bushes and clumps of seashells that reminded Mitch of crushed bones.

Both yards sloped down to Bird Lake. Mitch went swimming nearly every day; he lived in his bathing suit. There were more people around because it was summer, and yet it was quiet. A sleepy, sleepy place, Mitch's grandfather called it. When Mitch made a casual observation at dinner one night—breaking the dreadful silence—about the lack of potential friends, his grandmother said crisply that she liked having as few children around as possible. She quickly added that she didn't mean him, of course. But Mitch hadn't been so sure.

Mitch ran his finger over his initials. M.S. His father's initials were W.S. Wade Sinclair. Turn an M upside down and you get a W, thought Mitch. We're the same. It was an idle thought, but it caused a burning knot to form in his stomach. “We're not the same at all,” Mitch whispered. And we never will be. At the moment, Mitch hated his father, hated him and yet longed to see him so badly tears pricked his eyes. He thought he could destroy this empty little house right now with his bare hands, he was that upset. But he wanted this house. He wanted it for himself and for his mother. To live in.

Mitch rubbed his finger over his initials again. “Ouch,” he said. A splinter. A big one. But not big enough to pick out without a tweezers or a needle. He retreated to his spot under the porch and settled in. He hadn't asked his grandparents yet what they knew about the house, because he didn't want an answer that would disappoint him. Maybe he'd ask today. He dozed off in the still, hazy afternoon, blaming his father for everything wrong in the world, including his aching finger.

Sometimes he wished his father had simply vanished. That would have been easier to deal with. Then he could make up any story he wanted to explain his father's absence. Or he could honestly say that he didn't know where his father was or why he had disappeared. And if he had vanished, there would be the possibility that, at any moment, he'd return. There he'd be, suddenly—hunched at the sink, humming, scrubbing a frying pan, a dish towel slung over his shoulder. A familiar pose. Everything back in its proper place, the way it was meant to be.

He even wondered if death would be better than the truth. An honorable death. If his father were killed trying to stop a robbery at a gas station . . . something like that. A car accident would be okay, too, if it were someone else's fault or caused by a surprise storm.

But the truth was worse. The truth was that two and a half weeks ago, his father hadn't come home from work. He had called that night to say that he was going to live with someone else, a woman from his office.

Mitch hated thinking of that night—his mother pressing apologies upon him, and then her silence and the way she kept hugging him, her shoulder bending his nose back until he had to squirm away. He'd felt as if he were nobody's child.

The following morning, his father made a couple of phone calls to Mitch that left him more confused than ever, and left him with more questions than answers.

As that day passed, and the next, Mitch's sadness grew; it became a rock inside him, pulling him down. He carried the sadness everywhere, morning, noon, and night. It hurt to breathe. And then, after three days of looking at each other with mutual uncertainty, Mitch and his mother packed up their most necessary possessions and drove to Mitch's grandparents' house on Bird Lake. “I can't live here anymore,” Mitch's mother had said as she stuffed clothes into duffle bags. “We don't belong here, now.”

She told him they'd come back sometime during the summer to straighten things out and to pick up whatever they might have forgotten. He told her about a new movie he'd heard of, not because he really cared about this, but because it was a way to keep her from saying things that made him more uneasy than he already was. At one point during their conversation, her voice cracked and she had to turn away for a moment before she began talking again. She circled back to the same topic. “We couldn't afford to stay here if we wanted to, anyway,” she said. “Not on a teachers' aide's salary.”

It was June. School had just ended for the year, which made the situation easier for both of them.

“We can look at the bright side,” said his mother, as they headed southeast out of Madison. But she never said what the bright side was.

Depending on traffic, it was about a two-hour drive to Bird Lake. They took the back roads, curving through small towns and past cornfields and new subdivisions. For most of the trip, the music on the radio was the only sound in the car. The harsh sunlight had volume and weight, and added to the general weariness Mitch felt.

“Will Dad know where to reach us?” Mitch asked, looking out at a particularly bucolic farm. He imagined the farm family: one trustworthy farm father, one reliable farm mother, one strong farm son. Everyone perfect and happy. “Did you tell him we'll be at Papa Carl and Cherry's?”

“Of course I told him,” said his mother. “I left a message at work.”

“What if he doesn't get the message?”

No answer.

“Will he call us?”

After a long pause, she said, “Yes. I don't know. Yes.”

“This is just temporary, right? I mean, we'll move back to Madison before school starts in the fall.”

This time her response was a shrug and a sigh. And then she made a high, tiny noise like the cry of a small bird. Her hands trembled slightly on the steering wheel.

His mother was usually calm, constant, consistent. She had become a different person. Someone he didn't know. And his father—now he couldn't believe anything he had ever believed about his father.

He really was nobody's child.

Mitch's maternal grandparents—Papa Carl and Cherry—took them in like mother bears welcoming home their long-lost cubs. At least, that's the way it felt to Mitch. There were freshly baked chocolate-chip cookies from Cherry and gifts of dollar bills concealed in hearty handshakes from Papa Carl and hugs from both of them. There were soothing refrains, some directed at Mitch and some overheard: “Of course you can stay,” “What are families for?” “It's not your fault, Mr. Mitch. How could it be your fault?”