Just a Fan (17 page)

'
Oh, dear...I know it might seem like a bad sign when guys talk like that, but I'm sure he's only expressing how much he cares for you
,' Julie tried to reassure me.

'And the guy outside my apartment block?' I asked drily.

There was a pause.

'
Maybe you should get help...
'

* * *

Luckily, it seemed as if the man stationed outside the apartment building had given up hope or gone off for a break, because the next day I was able to meet up with Connor, who had cautiously parked his car several streets away and instructed me to meet him there.

As we drove to his house, I noticed that he was certainly less light-hearted and jovial than usual. I glanced at him from time to time, remarking the grim set of his jaw, the stormy expression that his slightly furrowed brow gave him. This did not bode well...

He spoke very little on the way, and he seemed very conflicted about something. It was only when we had finally arrived at his house that I brought the subject up.

'Look, Connor, I'm honestly fine,' I told him frankly. 'One guy with a camera is far from enough to scare me off.'

He only sighed deep in his throat, hands shoved deeply into his pockets.

'Aye, but what happens when it becomes
ten
guys with cameras?' he demanded, a hard, bitter glint in his blue eyes. 'I know that it's only a matter of time before that happens. And don't lie to me, Lilly, I heard how terrorised you were over the phone.'

I glared at him.

'I told you before, Connor, weren't you listening?' I said in outrage. 'I was just a little intimidated at first, which is perfectly understandable since it was the first time I was exposed to that kind of -'

'Exactly!' Connor cried, throwing up his hands. 'You're
not used
to this! It's selfish and stupid of me to drag somebody into such a tough world. You've never dealt with paparrazzi in your entire
life
, for God's sake -'

'Didn't you
hear
me?
I can get over it
!' I yelled at him, indignant that he was making such a big deal out of this and underestimating me. 'I can
learn
how to behave when they -'

'
No
, Lilly!' he snarled impatiently, turning away from me and flinging himself down into his armchair. 'It's no' that
simple
.' Those choleric blue eyes looked up at me beneath dark, frowning eyebrows. 'Imagine what life would be like in a few years time. The 'razzi would know exactly who you were, exactly where you lived, and you wouldn't be able to go out without being photographed and interviewed. Even walking home from the dentist with half of your mouth numb wouldn't stop them from asking you questions with their video cameras in your face. I should know, because it happened to me. The more I think about this, the more certain I am that you'd go crazy within a week, Lilly. You may think you're OK now, but trust me, you won't be when they find you. Those photos taken of us in the park - they must've toured the whole Net by now. People'll be getting bored of them. They'll be wanting more. And it's only a matter of time before they
do
get more.' Connor stared at me straight in the eyes, serious and stern. 'After that, it's all over for your freedom. You won't like it, Lilly, it's just -'

The phone suddenly started ringing from the other room. Connor closed his eyes, gritting his teeth in annoyance. After a short pause, he sighed and then went off to answer it.

I was still in shock from his words. How could he say that to me? This was just a test on our relationship - if we kept as close together as possible, then we would be able to pass it...and once we had passed it, then nothing could stand in our way. But Connor had suddenly become full of doubts. I began to shiver at the thought of our bright future together hanging in the balance.

As I stood there, arms crossed, waiting for him to come back, my fear and sadness began to turn to rage. I wasn't just going to passively let him grow more and more uncertain. I needed to make him see
sense
-

Connor walked back into the room, his normally laid-back, casual demeanour replaced by a tense, stormy one that made him look oddly intimidating. Nevertheless, I confronted him bravely.

'Connor, you can't possibly be thinking that -'

'Lilly,' he interrupted me sharply. 'I've been thinking about this a lot. Well, as much as I
can
think when my agent is calling me every five minutes to ask why I'm not out and about doing photoshoots and applying for more films. I
know
you, Lilly - you may be stubborn, but you're a delicate thing at heart, and there is no way you would be able to live the way I do -'

My mouth dropped open, and I stared at him, deeply offended by this.

'
Delicate
?' I gasped, full of pure outrage, then I glared at him murderously. 'Oh, I'll show
you
delicate!' Furious now, I started at him with fists raised to prove to him my point, but he seized my wrists in an unexpectedly strong grip.

'Lilly -
Lilly
!' Connor said in a more rational voice, trying to calm me down as I mutinously tried to kick him in the shins instead. 'I didnae say that to insult you - I just meant that there are some situations in life that I know you would never be able to cope with. If we stay together, things will become -'

'If?
If
?' I repeated with a steely glare. 'Tell me you don't mean what I
think
you mean?'

Connor's frown did not change, his jaw set.

'As much as I hate to admit it, nothing is really going in our favour,' he told me in clipped tones. 'It was only a stroke of luck that you weren't recognised yesterday. I think the safest thing to do now is to...take a little break.'

I stared at him with wide eyes, frozen.

'
What
?'

'All they know at the moment is that you'll be wherever I am,' he told me firmly. 'If we just stay apart for some time, they'll leave with me and gradually lose interest when they don't find you. I suggest you enjoy your freedom while you still can.'

My anger was almost gone, replaced by horror and hurt. 'But...it was
you
who told everyone my name in the first place -'

Connor sighed impatiently. 'And I also told
you
that it didn't matter whether I did or not, because they would have known about you anyway,' he replied. 'Now I'm starting to consider a different plan.'

I felt an odd, agonising sinking sensation. None of this seemed real. How could he be...?

There was a long, painful pause.

'I'll take you home,' he told me gruffly...

...and that was that.

Chapter 12

A New Beginning

This couldn't be happening. It simply made no sense.

I sighed angrily as I paced the floor of my flat. Of course it made sense...when he had explained it all, it had seemed logical. He had known that I was intimidated by the unwanted attention, and although I appreciated his protectiveness of my sanity, this was simply taking it too far. It seemed as if the little tensions that had gradually built up between us ever since we first started seeing each other had finally boiled over and ruined everything...

I found myself suddenly full of rage. This wasn't fair at all! I had led a boring, ordinary life for so long, and just when I was at long last been rewarded for my patience, the best thing that had ever happened to me had been taken away just like that. I didn't deserve this - not after waiting for so long for something exciting to happen in my life. My fists clenched and I glared out of the grey window. The idiot thought he was being so
noble
, leaving the actual country just to make the paparrazzi follow him and leave me alone! He just didn't
understand
...

I needed to make him see sense.

Resolutely I marched over to the phone, my head boiling with angry arguments and other heated things to say. I had no intention of being just another name in that long list of previous girlfriends on his Wikipedia page. After all, how long would it take for us to go from simply "taking a break", as he so ambiguously put it, to "broken up"? I was going to give him a good talking-to - clear his head of all those stupid doubts he had!

I snatched up the phone, and dialled feverishly, stabbing the buttons with a vengeance. I put it to my ear, jaw set, ready to confront him about this.

On the other end, Connor's phone rang. I waited resolutely, tensely waiting for the moment he picked it up.

But with each long ring and equally long pause in between, I found my courage ebbing slightly as my rage slowly cooled. The arguments I had meant to confront him with began to seem petty and ineffectual. After all, I had learnt that Connor was a determined man; his own temper was easily provoked when he didn't get what he felt was right. He had seemed pretty convinced that things had the potential to go badly wrong if we stayed with each other.

Oh, the bloody idiot.

The answer machine came on, and I sighed inwardly. He had probably left already, the inconsiderate thing that he was...nevertheless, I left him a message on the answer machine which, while not completely raving and confrontational, was still satisfyingly grumpy. I hung up, feeling the anger begin to cool into dejection. If only he knew that I would rather live a life hounded by paparrazzi and still by his side rather than a free life all on my own, with only memories of him to sustain me. We had shared so many good moments...even from the very start we had confided in each other, which was what brought us together in the first place! Now I would be left to become one of those unfulfilled, single middle-aged women who brag to anyone who will listen about their liaisons with the rich and famous...

* * *

'
What did he describe it as?
' Kate asked me over the phone, taking in details with business-like efficiency.

'"Taking a break",' I replied heavily.

'
He's dumped you
,' Kate diagnosed simply. '
I knew he was trouble, Lils. I always knew that the bloke was a downright womanizer righ from the start. With looks like that, how could he not be?
'

I groaned, wanting to die.

'
Aw, Lilly, it'll be fine
,' she reassured me. '
Pretty harsh of him, but what else can you expect from stuck-up film stars? I feel for you, Lil.
'

'Thanks,' I murmured, lying full-length on the sofa in despondent dejection.

'
You know what? It seems like we've gone in a big circle here
,' Kate prattled on critically. '
Remember when he left for the US just after snogging you? We had to really cheer you up then, and now here we are again back where we -
'

'He didn't actually leave, though,' I reminded her.

There was a pause. '
Are you saying he's not actually dumped you, then?
'

I sighed. 'No, he seemed pretty certain about it,' I said sadly.

'
Shame
,' replied Kate. '
Well, that rules out the possibility of false alarms. Maybe Julie and I can go to the trouble of cheering you up again once more?
'

Giving a groan, I firmly declined. 'No way.'

Kate tutted. '
I didn't mean going off to the pub again, idiot
,' she said. '
...Are you planning anything for New Year's Eve?
'

* * *

And so, on the night of New Year's Eve, I found myself dismally slouching on the posh sofa in Julie's house, where she was having her annual New Year party. I was very poor company indeed; even though Kate tried to coax me into making light conversation with some of Julie's eligible bachelor friends, I was most definitely
not
in any mood for it, and sat instead on my own, mumbling one-word answers to any hopeful guy who tried to engage me in conversation. I was beginning to get a splitting headache on top of it all, due to the fact that I had not managed to sleep a single night following Connor's decision to leave.

Well, old girl, I guess it's back to Singleland again for you
, I thought heavily. The new year would be another one spent alone, it seemed...

Kate and her besotted fiancé David walked past me, on their way to the buffet table. I watched them, seeing how closely he trailed after her. Why couldn't
I
get a guy to follow me around like that? What always seemed to scare them away from me? Maybe I was just cursed...

David disappeared after Kate among the small groups of people talking. I had never really found David much to my liking; obviously Kate adored him because of his intensive workout programme and run-of-the-mill good looks, but I personally found him a little dense and washy, and that closely-cropped, spiked-up haircut of his just annoyed me...

A sudden, fleeting memory of soft, thick, dark curls sliding silkily between my fingers flashed in my mind, almost making me drop my plastic cup. An odd, raw ache started deep within me, almost like a physical pain. Feeling abruptly overcome, I put my cup down and rushed out of the large, crowded room and into the tiled, immaculate bathroom just off the adjacent corridor.

Once there, I locked the door and leant my back heavily against the cool beige tiles of the wall, finally letting the tears spill from my eyes. God, I missed him...it was hell not being able to get through to him. I had called him countless times, not leaving a message, only hoping that he would pick up the next time I rang. I had no idea where he was...no idea whether I would ever hear that lovely voice of his, or see that familiar, mischievous smile again -

Oh, who was I kidding. Of course I would see him again - in his future
movies
, and on posters and on TV!

Clutching pathetically at my chest, I slid down the wall to sit on the floor. I profoundly hated him for doing this to me, but at the same time I still loved him just as I always had. I sniffed, feeling like an emotional idiot as I wiped at the mascara tracks that ran down my cheeks. I tried to smother the illogical caring I felt for him, to harden myself against that arrogant little celebrity figure that he was...

I could very well guess where he was at this moment - he was probably already in New York, merrily co-hosting some cheesy New Year's Eve countdown show. I knew he would be; I had seen him doing it last year. I remembered sitting on the sofa, grinning like a fool at the sight of him on TV, the studio lights brightening his bewitching eyes and accenting the handsome lines around his wide smile as the other female celebrity guests flirted with him until midnight came. I vividly recalled the sight of the glittering tinsel falling from the ceiling of the studio to the tune of that year's music hit, shimmering as it fell about Connor's broad shoulders, and getting caught in his lovely curls. Now he was probably doing the same thing, not sparing a single thought about me...

'Lilly?'

There was a knock on the door.

'Lilly, are you in there?'

It was Julie. Taking a deep breath for courage, I stood up and unlocked the door.

'Oh, Lilly...' she said when she saw me. 'What're you doing in there? It's nearly midnight...' She frowned at my runny makeup. 'Have you been crying?'

I sighed. 'I promised Kate I wouldn't,' I confessed, 'but I couldn't help it.'

Julie shook her head. 'Sometimes I wonder if Kate's human,' she said grimly, taking me by the arm and leading me to the bathroom mirror. 'Everybody cries when something like that happens to them.'

'I know, I know...' I murmured.

'Here, let's patch you up,' Julie said, opening a cabinet and extracting her makeup bag. 'Midnight is in five minutes, and you'll want to be looking nice for when we get out the champagne...'

* * *

In a house only a few miles away, Connor stared at the ceiling, restless and beyond all hope of sleep. His mind was in turmoil still, and he felt absolutely sick with himself. This should have been just like the old times; the thrill of the chase, the victory and finally the reward...but somehow he still felt frustratingly unfulfilled. Normally he would be languidly sprawling beneath the covers like a contented cat, but now the sheets felt unusually rough and uncomfortable against his bare skin. He lay there on his back, eyes wide open, features hardened into a dark, brooding frown.

He was so confused - he should be happy now, liberated, especially since he had just proven to himself his own physical prowess by successfully bringing this perfect model-girl home tonight. From the very short time it had taken to get this girl, he knew full well that he still possessed all of his charm and could have any woman he wanted. So why should he be so forcefully struggling to stop himself from thinking about
one
young woman in particular? After all, he had to prove to the world that she meant nothing to him any more - why should she ever stay on his mind when he had so many far more attractive, less complicated women who craved his attentions?

The ash-blonde girl beside him - he had already forgotten her name - turned over, noticed he was awake, and gave a breathy chuckle, snuggling up to him to catch a few more minutes of sleep. Connor lay motionless, making no move to accept her. She smelled different, and the firmly sculpted contours of her body were very unfamiliar to him. He felt unsettled; although in a past life he would have grinned to himself at the thought of having such a lovely model in his bed, he found himself inwardly shrinking away from the too-skinny, sharp limbs and dyed waves that made his neck itch. Strangely enough, he idly began to think about how much more comfortable he had been holding a slightly fuller, curvier figure beside him whose body was at just the right level of softness and infinitely more delicate to him. He thought of silky dark hair, untouched by artificial dyes, natural and thick and sweet-smelling against his nose. The girl whose sharp knees now dug into the side of his leg smelled far too sweet for his taste, almost sickly. Connor closed his eyes, tortured, as the wonderful memories of a young woman full of insignificant, endearing little faults laughed with him, talked with him, embraced him, made him feel better than he ever had in years...