Just Ask (13 page)

Okay, I've rambled enough, now it's time to get back to the “Just Ask” column. And I just read a letter that's really sad. I'm not even sure what to tell this poor girl.

Wow, something about her letter makes me wonder about my own birth mother. After going to Heritage Camp (a camp for international adoptees) a couple of years ago, I got really curious about my Korean roots. Some of the kids at camp had successfully located their birth parents and were even corresponding with them. And since I was going through one of those times when I questioned everything about myself and my biological background, my parents had encouraged me to go ahead and try to find my birth mother.

I spent about a month online that summer. I tried everything I could think of and even paid money to a website that guaranteed results, but in the end my attempts were unsuccessful. The orphanage had no records, other than the notes in my file saying I was “dropped off during the night.”

Eventually, because of things I'd heard and my research, I simply assumed that my birth mother was most likely a prostitute who forgot to use birth control. That's the usual story with abandoned babies. Of course, it could be something else.

Maybe my birth mother had been a teen who'd gotten inconveniently pregnant, or maybe she'd been
someone's mistress, or it's even possible that I was conceived out of a rape situation. Various unhappy scenarios could produce an unwanted child. But none of them are particularly honorable. Especially in Korean culture where traditional values are still, for the most part, respected.

I used to pretend that I was born into an important, influential family—sort of like royalty—and that I'd been kidnapped as an infant and held for ransom. But somehow the kidnappers got scared or something went wrong, and that's how I got dropped off at the orphanage that night.

However, if I'd really been kidnapped, the police and authorities would've been scouring the country attempting to locate me. And since no one tried to find me, well, other than my adoptive parents (whom I totally appreciate and love), I finally had to accept that was probably not the case.

In all likelihood, my birth mother was either a prostitute or someone caught in a bad situation. But it wasn't easy to accept this. I mean, consider how that makes a girl feel. like how would you like to discover that your biological mother was a hooker? Or that your biological father was a rapist? Doesn't say much for the gene pool, does it?

I finally came to realize that who I am is not necessarily defined by my DNA (experts say that how you are raised is very influential too). And while I've
mostly accepted the less-than-honorable beginning of my life and I try not to get too caught up in who my birth parents really are, I still have to wonder about it sometimes.

I guess reading that letter from Disgusted made me wonder even more. And I can understand how she must feel pretty discouraged that her mom is acting like a tramp. I mean, seriously, if my mom (my REAL mom, meaning the one I live with) acted like that, well, I wouldn't know what to do. It's bad enough to think that my biological mom could've been like that.

And although I can empathize with this girl, I'm not even sure what I should tell her. I guess I'll have to really pray about this one. Because I have a feeling God understands how we feel, and I'm sure He has some encouragement for her.

Finally, I feel a response coming.

I invited Marissa to go to the football game with us tonight, and Natalie was not happy.

“Why did you invite her?” she demanded as I gave her a ride home from school.

“She seems depressed.”

“She's depressing.”

“She needs friends.”

“Then she should try being nicer.”

“Come on, Nat. Doesn't God want us to love everyone?”

Nat sighed loudly. “I can't believe you're the one preaching at me now. I think I liked you better before you got saved.”

I laughed. “Yeah, I made you look good then.”

“Okay, you're probably right. Marissa does need to
be loved. I'm just not sure that I'm the one to do it. I can't stand her!”

“Maybe God can do it through you.”

Natalie just moaned. “You're starting to sound like our youth pastor now.”

“Why?”

“That's what he was talking about at youth group this week.”

“Cool.”

“Shut up, Kim.”

But Natalie did a good job of hiding her feelings on our way to the game. And Marissa was surprisingly agreeable most of the time. Although she and Nat did get into what seemed to be a flirting contest at halftime. It's like neither of them could give up on poor Cesar. And while I think he's slightly flattered by their nonstop attention, he sometimes looked like he wanted to knock their silly heads together too.

I'd brought a deck of cards with me (my dad just taught me how to play Texas Hold ‘Em)—okay, maybe poker isn't such a Christian thing to do, I don't know…but I still managed to distract these guys by starting up a hot poker game right there in the bleachers. We were literally playing for peanuts. And before long, several other kids were looking on and wanting to play too. Then halftime was over, and I put the cards away so we could focus our attention back on the game, which we were losing—badly.

“I liked playing poker better than watching this,” Cesar whispered in my ear, and I had to laugh.

“Me too.”

Of course, this little exchange only earned me sour looks from both Natalie and Marissa. If I don't watch it, I could have both those girls ganging up on me before long. Sometimes I wish they'd just lighten up!

Afterward, we went for pizza, and Jake enticed me to bring out the cards again, but we didn't have any peanuts. Finally we decided to play for pennies (after Jake bought a couple rolls from the cashier). We ended up playing until after eleven, and the manager was trying to close up for the night. I was the big winner but felt kind of guilty for encouraging gambling. I even wondered if it might be illegal or something. So I donated all my penny winnings to the children's hospital box next to the cash register.

Even so, it was a fun evening, and if gambling is wrong, I'm sure that God can straighten me out.

I went to youth group with Cesar again last night. And once again, I really liked it. Chloe was there again, and it was fun to talk with her. She's so jazzed that I've given my life back to God. She even invited me to come over and jam with her band again next week. Life is pretty good these days, and I know it's all because of God.

Our pastor talked today about how we're like a ship on the sea without a rudder (the thing beneath the boat that steers it) when we don't have God in our lives. And I really believe that's descriptive of how my life was going. like I really was being tossed back and forth on every wave that came along.

My whole Buddhism thing wasn't answering any questions; if anything it only added to my confusion. Mostly it felt like my whole life lacked direction and purpose. But now that's changing. And I think the change is exciting. Sometimes I can't wait to see what the new day will hold. How cool is that?

I wish that everyone would wake up and figure this out. like the letter I'm going to answer tonight. It's from a guy who's feeling pretty bummed.

I actually invited Natalie to come to youth group with me and Cesar tonight, and as much as she would like to be
around Cesar, she felt worried that it might be perceived as an insult to her own church and youth group. But I don't get this. I mean, I can't imagine God getting bent out of shape about where you go to youth group. I think He'd just be happy you were going. But what do I know?

I was somewhat relieved when Jake was with Cesar tonight. It made this whole thing look less like a date this time. Not that I thought it was a date. I know that's not how it is. I just worry about Natalie's feelings.

Tonight, Josh Miller (fearless youth leader) was all smiles, and a lot of the youth group kids were teasing him, and I finally figured out that he'd gotten engaged to his high school sweetheart, Caitlin O'Conner, the previous weekend. Everyone was congratulating him, and even Chloe was totally happy about the whole thing.

“Who's this Caitlin chick?” I asked Chloe in a quiet voice during the break when everyone was pigging out at the snack table. “Is she related to Ben O'Conner?”

It hadn't escaped my attention that the popular jock, Ben O'Conner, had been coming to this youth group. For some reason that totally surprised me. I'd just assumed he was one of those shallow guys who wouldn't be caught dead in a place like this. But there he was acting perfectly at home and even making jokes with Marty Ruez. And here I would've figured him for the type to make jokes about Marty Ruez (since she's really overweight and not exactly in with Ben's crowd). Go figure.

“Ben is her brother, and Caitlin is one of the coolest girls around,” Chloe told me. “I always knew that she and Josh would get it together someday.” Then she went on to tell me about how Caitlin had gone with Josh for a while in high school before she completely gave up dating.

“Kind of like Cesar?”

She nodded. “You have to respect how she did what she believed God was telling her to do.” Then she glanced over to where Cesar was standing and talking to Josh. “So, what's up with you and Cesar anyway? Isn't he still into the nondating thing?”

“Yeah. He and I are just friends. That's all.”

“He's a really sweet guy.”

“I know.”

Chloe studied me for a moment. “So really, Kim, tell me the truth. Do you like him?”

I knew what she was getting at, but I just firmly shook my head. “No, Chloe, nothing like that. Honestly, we're just friends. “

“Sorry for being so nosy. I guess I just feel protective of him.”

I frowned then.

“Oh, I wasn't saying that you guys wouldn't be cool together.” She smiled. “Actually, I think you're the perfect kind of girl for someone like Cesar. But I know how committed he was to not dating.”

I nod.

“And I really respect that he's sticking to it. I think it's
right for him. But I guess it's none of my business.”

“Oh, I don't know. I mean, you guys went out for a while, and Jake thinks that Cesar is still in love with you.”

She laughed. “Nah, I don't think so.”

“Do you think you guys will ever get back together?” Okay, now I was the one being nosy, but Chloe started it.

“No, not at all. I mean, I really love Cesar as a brother in the Lord, and I have huge respect for him. But I'm pretty positive that what we had is totally over now. I know I have no plans to go back.”

Then it was time for the break to end. Still, as I sat down, I had to wonder, how could Chloe be so absolutely certain that she and Cesar were history? I know I'd have to give it a second thought if I were involved (romantically, I mean) with someone like Cesar.