Just Breathe (Blue #1) (20 page)

“You’re so damn cute. That’s what.” She wiggles around, trying to get out of my hold, but I tighten my arms around her body and pull her against me.

“Cricket, I knew you were counting. You do it when you’re overwhelmed.” The tension leaves her body, and she places her arms around my waist.

“Just for your information, Mr. Know-It-All, I never count the number fifty.” A faint smile begins to pull at the corners of her mouth.

“Love, I don’t give a shit what you count, as long as you count me in.” After winking, I kiss the tip of her nose and watch the blood pool in her cheeks.

Playfully, she jabs me in the ribs. “You’re nothing but a da…” She pauses and licks her lips. “Ham Yankee.” We both laugh in unison, until she starts snorting. She then covers her face.

“Why do you try to hide your beauty?” I pry her hands from her face and hold her wrists in my hands.

“I hate that I slaugh. I mean, snort when I laugh.” She chews on her bottom lip.

“I love it. Anybody can laugh, but you…” I release her wrists to scratch my head, trying to remember the word she used. “Slaugh. Now, that takes some talent.” I wink at her.

“I’m glad someone does.”

“Not just someone. I’m Lucas ‘Da Lady Killah’ Daniels.” She rolls her eyes and snorts.

“Don’t remind me,” she whines. “Besides, you’re not that to me. You’re Lucas, the man I love.”

Just as I’m about to open my mouth to talk, JD walks around the corner and flips his cigarette butt into the ashtray. “Damn, if I would have known it was gonna get so deep out here, I would have worn my boots.” His teeth glimmer in the sun as he gives us a shit-eating grin. Leisurely, he strolls past us and opens the door. “Y’all going inside?”

I exhale more loudly than necessary and then look at Cass. “Guess we should.” She nods, and the three of us return.

As we take our seats, a familiar sound begins to fill the room. A recording of Amelia playing the violin. The notes float from the speakers and pull at the strings of my aching heart. Amelia had many passions, but the one that always mesmerized me the most was her ability to play any instrument she touched. When we were little, she practiced an old beat-up fiddle all evening, trying to perfect each stroke of the bow. At first, the sounds coming from her room sounded like the Penguin’s laugh from
Batman
. However, by the time Amelia went away to college, I sat outside her room and listened to the beauty she created. Sometimes, I wondered if she only played for me.

I close my eyes and imagine leaning against her bedroom door, and it brings a smile to my face. I don’t open my eyes until her song ends, and my lids are wet with a mixture of emotions. A part of my soul will soon be six feet under, never seeing the sun’s beauty again.

Another part is just awakening with Cass. A tiny sliver of life I had thought passed me up. I don’t know how God saw fit to give her to me, but I’m glad she is here. I don’t think I could have handled this on my own. No, that’s wrong. I
know
I couldn’t have.

Cass sniffs as the lights dim and a video plays. It’s Amelia singing “You Are My Sunshine” to Arya while rocking her right after birth. I take Cass’ hand in mine and hold it tightly. Arya smiles and begins softly singing along with the recording. Her voice wavers at the end, and one tiny droplet of sorrow trails down her cheek. Instead of wiping it away, she wears it proudly and smiles in my direction.

“Luke.” She puts her hand upon my knee.

“Yeah, sweetheart?” Her courage and strength floor me.

“It’s okay to cry.” She pats my leg so lightly that if I didn’t see her doing it, I wouldn’t know she was.

“It certainly is, Arya.” I pull her up onto my lap, and she lays her head upon my chest. Muffled whimpers escape her as I rock her. She reaches out to Cass, and then Arya scoots from my arms to Cass’. Arya clings to her so tightly her knuckles turn white. Cass begins to hum the same tune she had in my car before falling asleep. I wonder what this song is and what it means to her. Cass softly runs her hand over Arya’s head and then whispers something to her, which makes Arya’s frown ease into a soft smile.

The lights come back on, and the preacher asks everyone to bow their head in prayer. I’m not what you would call a religious person. I don’t even remember the last time I prayed. Despite this, I hang my head and say a silent prayer. I ask for Arya to be safe and plead for the strength to make it through this. Before raising my head, I remember to thank God for Cass. When I open my eyes, she is staring at me.

“What?” I quietly ask her, trying not to be noticed by anyone.

“Nothing….” Her cheeks flush. “I love you. That’s all.” Only five simple words, but what she didn’t say, I understand. Even when life crashes like the waves of the mighty Pacific, she would stand in the middle of the ocean with me.

“I love you more.” My lips tingle and feel cold after they leave her cheek until she looks at me through her lashes. That look does me in, sets my heart pounding with feelings I’m no longer afraid to give voice to. If I didn’t know it is impossible, I would swear she can hear each thudding beat of my heart. We sit in silence, gazing at each other as time and life pass us by.

The commotion of everyone shuffling in their seats brings me back down to the here and now—the day I’ll have a hand in locking away my sister into the bowels of the earth for eternity.

Nate approaches me and clears his throat. “Little Bro, I guess we have to get her to the hearse.”

My muscles quiver, and the emptiness I feel tugs at my sanity. I nod my head in silence, but I can’t move. Apparently, my body didn’t get the memo that this has to be done. I lunge forward and straighten my back, forcing myself to do it anyway. It feels like an army of ants is crawling on my skin. I run my hands up and down my arms to rid myself of them, but the sensation only worsens.

Nate and JD put my arms over their shoulders and support my weight. Felix takes Arya from Cass, and immediately Dartanya swings her arm around Cass’ neck. “I don’t know about you, but I could sure use a stiff one right about now,” Dartanya jokes, kissing her cheek.

Nate looks back at her. “Offer still stands, Abby. Give me a date and time, and I’ll show you one.” Dartanya blushes.

Arya rouses from Felix’s arms. “A stiff what, Uncle Nate?”

“Uh.” He runs his fingers through his hair. “A stiff piece of wood.” The expression on his face is pure terror as he speaks. Arya scrunches up her nose and sticks out her lips.

“You’re certainly worse than Luke. At least he licks girls he likes.” Her innocence causes all of us to erupt in laughter.

Chapt
er 17

Serenity can be found in the most simplistic things

Take a monarch, small yet alluring

Whimsical floating caused by each fluttering

Soaring through constellations and bypassing the rain

A feeling of calmness, no heartache, no pain

I have found my tranquility upon the span of its wings.

Cassandra

My mind is going in fifty different ways while I am holding Arya. I don’t know how to act around kids. It’s hard for me to connect with people in general, much less console them in their time of need. Supporting Lucas is one thing because he’s an adult, but Arya is just a baby. Earlier, I tried to keep her at arm’s length because I was afraid I would hurt her. That was until she pulled herself closer. Her strength actually shocked me. The little thing is holding onto me for dear life. Maybe she wants me because I am the only female, and she has just lost her mother. No matter how many times I analyze the situation, I can’t wrap my brain around her needing me.

Seeing Lucas cry has almost been my breaking point, but I know if I start crying, there will no stopping. I keep counting to myself and swallowing back the tears as quickly as they come. I haven’t told anyone I love them other than family, which includes Dar and her family, so it feels strange to keep saying it to Lucas. He somehow has chipped away at my heart, and it’s making me feel an emotion I didn’t think I could feel anymore.

Dar pulls me into the bathroom, as the guys get ready to carry Amelia to the hearse.

“Cassie…”

I glare at her. Now certainly isn’t the time for her to try to reinforce the nickname she is trying to give me. She puts up her hands and takes a few steps back.

“Fine! Cassandra.” She pauses after each syllable of my name, but at least she didn’t use my middle and last name. “Are you doing okay? You look like you’re about to burst into tears at any second.”

After splashing some cool water onto my face, I look at my reflection in the mirror. Keeping the tears from showing their ugly head isn’t easy, but until Dar asked, I thought I would be fine.

A lump forms in my throat that I can’t swallow. My eyes burn as I try to fight the torrential storm that is brewing in them. “Why the hell did you have to ask?” I wipe away the first few drops with the back of my hand. “You ass!” I manage to complain in between sniffs.

Dar’s eyes are rimmed in red, and I can tell she is about to lose it herself. “Fuck, you’re the ass for starting all this emo shit.” Her bottom lip quivers, and she blows out a long breath. Tears flow down her face as if she just burst a damn. She pulls me into her arms as I blow her hair out of my face. I wrap my arms around her and hold her tightly. We stand in the embrace until the door opens, revealing a tall blonde who, judging by the look on her face, has never given a hug in her life.

“Nate asked me to come find you.” She keeps her eyes on Dar as she continues, “They are ready to go to the graveyard.” She turns and leaves as Dar and I exchange a
what the hell
look.

“Do you know her?” I turn away from Dar to check my face for runny mascara in the mirror. Dar stands beside me and blots the black smudges from her cheeks.

She shakes her head. “I have no fucking clue who she is, but I do know one thing.” She makes eye contact with me. “Whoever she is, she’s a bitch,” Both of us can definitely agree on that one.

“Can’t argue with you there.” I open the bathroom door and let her go in front.

Lucas unlocks my door and holds it open for me. He hasn’t said anything since Dar and I came out of the bathroom. He opens his door and drops into his seat. After starting the car, he leans his head on the steering wheel and roughly combs through his hair.

“I swear, if one more person makes me sign anything today, I’m going to punch them!” The loudness of his voice startles me, and I move closer to the door. He turns his head, probably to see what I am doing.

“Shit, I’m sorry, Cass. It’s just these people are worse than vultures. You would think they would have the fucking decency to wait a couple of days to have us go over the insurance bullshit!” I’m in the dark about how this stuff is supposed to work, since death has never taken someone close to me.

He keeps his eyes on me, almost as if he is waiting for my response. I rack my brain for something to say to calm him, but I come up with nothing. I loosen the tension out of my shoulders by rolling them against the seat. “Damn buzzards!” The words leave my mouth before I really have a chance to think. Even though I wish I could have said something epic, the ending effect on Lucas seems to be the one in which I had hoped. He looks up, shakes his head with a single chuckle, and repeats the words to himself.

*****

“Thank you for staying with me,” Lucas says, intertwining his fingers with mine and kissing the back of my hand as the services conclude.

We make our way down the hill, leaving behind the graveyard. As selfish as it may be, I’m glad the whole thing is over. Seeing Lucas struggle with this day is painful, especially since I can’t do anything to help him.

“I said I would.” We exchange a brief look, and his studying eyes me make me suddenly on edge. Sure, I’ve been nervous around him before, but I’m excited. Something in the way he looks at me has changed, but I can’t put my finger on it. The longer we keep eye contact, the slower we walk. A sense of calm passes through my body, and my heartbeat accelerates.

Amelia’s family and friends pass us, and I realize we’ve come to a complete stop. I don’t want to be the one to break the silence, so I take the lead and start walking again. Without missing a beat, Lucas follows my lead toward the vehicles. He shudders and leans close to me. “They looked awfully cozy,” he points out.

I turn my head in the direction where he had been looking, but I don’t see anyone.

“Who?”

“Dartanya and Nate.” When I try to look for them again, he stops me by blocking my line of sight. “Maybe I was seeing things. Who cares anyway?” He brushes my cheek with his knuckle, distracting me from my previous thought. Every inch of my skin tingles after his fingers leave my face. I would push the issue, but my judgments are foggy from one single touch.

I guess at the end of the day I’ll always be affected by him, or at least I hope I will. He can be a pain in the ass occasionally, but right now, I have won this gamble with life. I’ve played an ace of hearts, rolled snake eyes, and hit the jackpot this time. Internally, I know life is going to be good with Lucas. I’m sure we won’t always agree, but I don’t want to live life without him. He is my inspiration and the reason I have the strength to let the past go and welcome the future.

My hand lightly brushes something, and Arya squeals from somewhere in the distance, making us come to a sudden halt. She runs past us and scoops something from the ground, cupping it in her hands as she approaches us. “Look, it landed on you!” she practically screams.

“What did?” She opens her hands, and a breathtaking orange monarch butterfly glides from her palms to the sky, looking like a sunbeam floating back to the clouds.

“They were Mother’s favorite!” She beams as she jumps up and down, watching it soar through the air. She runs full force at my legs and then embraces them. When I look down, she is admiring me from below with a sense of sadness playing behind her eyes. “Do you think she got her wings?” Knowing she is referring to Amelia, I drop Lucas’ hand and bend my knees to get on her level.

She stills, watching my every move intently. “I have no doubt in my mind she did, Arya,” I whisper so only she can hear. She slings her arms around my neck and squeezes. After she lets go, Lucas kneels to meet us and puts her on his shoulders.

“Luke!” She giggles as he bounces her the rest of the way to Felix’s car. A genuine smile spreads across my face as I slow my walk to watch them. He truly is my calm, and I will be lost in him for eternity. Dar nudges me and meets my gaze as we look at the two of them.

“Bird watching, right?” She wiggles her eyebrows in my direction, knowing damn well what I am looking at.

“Sure, I’ll go with that.” She tucks me under her arm as we follow Lucas and Arya.