Just Like That (32 page)
“Good to know,” Dooley said, sharing a look with Mac.
Sam chose not to interpret the look.
“I could date her,” Dooley volunteered. “I’m not completely opposed to commitment.” Sam scowled at him. “Excuse me?”
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“I’m just saying…if you think she should date someone else, then maybe it should be someone you know and can trust to be good to her.”
“Your idea of a romantic dinner is buying her two hot dogs at the baseball game instead of one,” Sam said.
“And the last time you bought a woman something to wear it was a tattoo,” Mac added.
“Didn’t you once tell me that your biggest turn-on is a woman who can drink straight Jack Daniels without shuddering?” Kevin asked.
“I’m not good enough for her?” Dooley asked, feigning offense, but grinning as he said it.
“You’re not exactly her type,” Sam said, feeling secure that Dooley was kidding about asking Danika out.
“I could ask her out though,” Kevin said. “I know about romance.” Sam turned to look at his friend who sounded dead serious. “You?”
“I’m a nice guy,” Kevin said matter-of-factly. “I’m intelligent, good-looking, interesting and she wouldn’t have to worry that I was only in it for the sex.” No. That was very true. Kevin was celibate. He hadn’t always been, but since finding Jesus three years ago, he’d pledged to wait until marriage.
“I don’t…” Sam coughed and started again. “I don’t think you’re quite right for Danika either.” Kevin looked interested when he asked, “Why is that?”
“She, um.” Sam didn’t know how to say what he wanted to say. “She’s a very…passionate woman.”
“She needs sex.” Dooley slapped Kevin on the back. “Sorry, dude.”
“It is possible for people to have relationships without sex. It’s worth waiting for,” Kevin said.
“Asking Danika to wait for sex would be like asking a dolphin to wait to swim,” Sam said without thinking.
Kevin grinned at him. “I could make her not mind waiting. And there are other ways to be…intimate…than intercourse.”
Sam was about to put his fist into the face of the nicest guy he knew. The images that came to mind with Kevin’s comment were enough to make him want to pummel his God-fearing friend.
“Nah, I’ll take care of it,” Mac said.
“What do you mean?” Sam asked, his jaw tight.
“I don’t have any problem sleeping with her without marrying her,” Mac said. “And I can definitely be romantic.”
“Are whips and handcuffs romantic?” Dooley asked.
“You are
not
dating, Danika. Or anything else,” Sam said adamantly.
“I’m a nice guy.” Mac didn’t seem insulted by Sam’s statement.
“You are a nice guy,” Sam agreed. “But Danika isn’t in your league, Mac.” 186
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Mac liked things kinky. Sometimes with more than one girl at a time. It was absolutely amazing to Sam the things Mac could talk a woman into doing. None of it was dangerous and there was never anything against anyone’s wishes. But he had a talent for picking women who had a lot of the same wishes he did.
“You think I’m too much for her?”
“Definitely.”
“Maybe she needs her horizons expanded.”
“No.”
“Maybe she needs—”
“
No.
Whatever it is.”
“Then what does she need?” Kevin asked.
Sam turned to face his other friend. He started to answer, then stopped.
Shit.
He knew exactly what Danika needed.
She needed a guy who could keep up with her, who could make her laugh, who could keep her safe and who would take care of her in spite of her insistence that she didn’t need it. She needed a guy who wouldn’t be intimidated by her independence and who would let her express it as often as possible. She also needed a guy who would appreciate her, who would realize what a lucky S.O.B. he was that she was with him, and who would take her to sex toy shops, but who would also take her out for ice cream. She needed someone who could make her moan in bed but who would also love being with her…anywhere.
She needed
him
.
Or a guy exactly like him. With the exception of his not wanting to be involved in a relationship.
“I’ll take care of it,” he said, somewhat begrudgingly.
“What does that mean?” Kevin asked, looking concerned.
“I know what, or should I say who, Danika needs.”
“Why am I feeling that our plan to make you realize how you feel about her might have backfired?” Kevin asked, looking even more concerned.
“Oh no. It worked like a charm,” Sam assured them. “I know exactly how I feel about her.” Even though he couldn’t do anything about it other than walk away before one, or both, of them got hurt.
She hadn’t been invited. But she wasn’t sure that people were actually invited to funerals.
Danika was a smart woman, however, and she didn’t like lying to herself. She was here for two reasons. One, Natalia had been important to Sam and that made Danika like her and want to honor her in some way. Two, Sam would be here and she wanted to see him.
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She hadn’t seen or heard from him since he’d left her by the hospital elevators. She’d left him a hundred messages but he hadn’t returned any calls.
Still she was here.
She was chasing him. But she was worried about him. And she wanted to see him, even if it was across a church.
There was an empty seat near the back off the aisle that she slipped into as the family was being escorted into the sanctuary. From so far back and behind, dressed in various dark shades, she figured it would be difficult to tell which man in the first few pews was Sam. But it only took her a minute to find the back of his head. She stared at him, wishing she could go to him, wishing she knew what was going through his head right then, wishing she could make it better.
Thirty minutes later, the three men to his right rose and joined the other three pallbearers to escort Natalia’s casket down the aisle to the waiting hearse. Sam turned to watch Mac, Dooley and Kevin carry Natalia past her family and friends. He was in the fourth row and rose, holding Sara’s hand, followed by Jessica and Ben, and joined the procession of mourners.
He wasn’t a pallbearer. That had to be hard.
His face looked strained and she wanted to cry. She wanted to hug him. She wanted to…make him cocoa. She’d always found that comforting. She had no idea if Sam even liked cocoa, but she had a crazy urge to comfort him and no idea how to do it or if Sam even wanted to be comforted by her.
As he and his sister approached, Sam’s eyes flickered past her face, then came back to rest on hers.
There was an instant of surprise, then what almost looked like relief. As he passed her he reached out and snagged her hand, tugging her forward and into the procession with him.
Once they were outside, Sam dropped Sara’s hand and she moved to stand by her sister, but he kept a hold of Danika. They watched solemnly as the casket was lifted into the back of the car, then shut the door.
“Sara, Danika is…”
“I’m riding with Ben and Jess,” Sara said.
“We’re driving separate,” Jessica added. “From you,” she clarified.
Sam didn’t argue or even seem to take time to think about it. “That’ll work.” He turned her in the direction of the parking lot across the street from the church. They walked in silence and he opened the car door for her, letting go of her hand only because he had to shut the door and get in on the driver’s side.
It was four blocks into the drive before he said, “Natalia picked her pallbearers. I wasn’t one of them.”
“That was your own fault.” With anyone else she would not have chosen those as her first words to him in days. But she knew that he was expecting it and there was no sense in sugarcoating what he already knew.
“Yeah.”
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“I’m sorry, though. I know you wish you could have been part of it.”
“I’m sorry too.”
It was as if the last few days hadn’t existed without contact or conversation between them. She felt very comfortable saying, “I guess you’ve realized that caring about people isn’t necessarily a choice we make. You tried to keep your distance, and you still ended up loving her.” It wasn’t rubbing it in. It was voicing what he needed to acknowledge and what she suspected he already had, to himself.
“Yeah.”
They said nothing for a few seconds.
Sam broke the silence. “Just when I realized that I wanted to know her, and spend time with her and let her know me, she’s gone.”
“You were important to her, though. She didn’t have to know your name or face for you to matter to her. Even though you held yourself back, you were still important in her life.”
“I do want to be important to people. I also want a guarantee that I won’t mess it up.”
“Why should you get a guarantee?” She frowned at the road in front of the car. “The rest of us don’t.
We all screw up sometimes. Life and relationships are messy. Broken wrists and strokes and worse happen.
What matters is that we keep hoping and trying and loving anyway.”
“I’m learning that. And that taking care of people isn’t only about fixing leaky faucets or ceiling fans.”
“That’s…good.” It was a sadly inadequate word, but she was too surprised to come up with a better one. In fact, his words resonated. Being taken care of wasn’t just about things like that either. She’d wanted to be independent, to physically take care of herself, and she could fix almost anything that broke in her house. But that didn’t mean she didn’t need someone else around.
Just as Sam had loved and been important to Natalia even without meaning to, Danika couldn’t help that taking care of her own needs didn’t feel like enough anymore.
“I want you to know that I’ve been thinking about you.”
“You have?” She wanted to add,
Then why haven’t I seen you?
but held back.
He turned to look at her and though he could only take his eyes off the road for a moment, his gaze seemed to burn into hers. “Every minute.”
They arrived at the cemetery before she could think of something appropriate to say.
He didn’t let go of her hand through the entire graveside service. He took once last look at Natalia’s casket and headstone, then turned away and followed the other mourners back to their cars.
“Will you take a walk with me?” He’d pulled the passenger side door open.
“Here?”
“Yeah.”
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She looked around. The cemetery was peaceful. It was a beautiful sunny day. Maybe a little strange, but if this was what Sam needed, then it was fine with her. “Okay.” He shut the door and took her hand, heading in the opposite direction from Natalia’s grave.
“I was wondering,” he said as they walked. “If you ever thought that maybe your dad didn’t mind.” Danika replayed his words but realized that no, she didn’t know what he was talking about.
“What?”
He stopped in front of a huge stone angel statue and faced her, dropping her hand to put his hands into his pants pockets.
“I think you need to consider that your dad didn’t mind taking care of your mom.” He was watching her face and must have seen something that made him want to go on. “I know you think that your mom felt like a burden and I think that you’ve spent all these years believing that too. But it’s very possible that your dad considered it an honor to take care of the woman that he loved. He was able to give her things she needed. When you love someone, that’s a good feeling. I think he might have felt good about that.” Danika wasn’t sure if her mind was blank or if there were too many things in it all at once to make any sense. Either way, she had no idea what to say.
Sam didn’t seem to care. He went on. “And I think you also have to consider that your mom still did things for him. She couldn’t do laundry or take a walk with him, but she was still there for him to talk to, to be his companion, to hold his hand, to listen to him rant about a bad day at work, or tell him that she was proud of him when something great happened.”
Danika’s mind started replaying snapshots of her parents, as if someone had started a slide show in her head. Her mom sitting next to her dad on the couch watching a movie, her running her fingers through his hair as he rested his head against the back of the chair, her smearing cake frosting across his lips from his birthday cake and then kissing it off.
She nodded. “I’ll consider it.”
He stepped closer, but kept his hands in his pockets. “And I know you think you don’t ever want to be close to someone, you don’t ever want to need anyone, but Dani, you can’t help it. You need someone who can look at old photos with you and hear your stories so you can keep your mom alive. You need someone who can appreciate your use of power tools and buy you the latest, greatest thing each Christmas because you won’t buy it for yourself.”
He paused for breath. Her heart had started to pound with his first sentence and she knew she was staring at him. But, wow, did all of that sound good.
“You need someone who can…rub your neck at night when it’s tight after a long day. Or someone who can…” he paused to think again, “…eat all the food that you love to make but won’t make for just you.”
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She had yet to blink but she said, “Maybe I do.” She sounded like she’d swallowed down the wrong pipe.
“You do,” he said resolutely.
“I think you’re right.” She wanted to throw her arms around him, kiss him, dance with him, spin around like little kids until they were so dizzy they fell back onto the grass.
“Good.” He looked relieved.
She almost laughed. Had he thought she’d say no? She wanted Sam in her life. For all of the reasons he’d said and just because he was Sam. She felt good with him and wrong without him. It was that simple.
“Good,” he said again, as she reached for him. “Then I think you should call Matt. Tonight.” She froze with her arm extended toward him. “Matt?”
