Just One Reason (13 page)

I exhaled a breath and agreed, “Yeah, there is.”

Grady

We settled in the waiting area and were soon joined by Leah’s and Josh’s parents.  About an hour into our wait Lindsay was able to go in and visit Leah in her room.  When Lindsay returned she and Leah’s mom started an in-depth conversation about water breaking, epidurals, centimeters and some other shit I tried to ignore.  I felt like putting my fingers in my ears and saying “blah, blah, blah.”  It was enough I was here at the hospital in the middle of the night.  I didn’t need to hear all the gory details.  The only thing I was grateful to catch was that the nurse thought the baby would be here within a few hours.  Maybe I would be able to get a few hours of sleep tonight.

Aware of the people around us,
Lindsay and I didn’t talk while we waited, and sometime around 2:00 am she fell asleep.  We were sitting on a small loveseat together and she looked extremely uncomfortable curled up on her cushion trying to keep space between us.  When her breathing evened out and I was sure she was asleep, I put my arm around her shoulders and gently eased her over to lie against my chest.  She instantly snuggled closer and wrapped her arm around my waist.

Everyone was talking excitedly around us with Josh coming out periodically to give updates.  I wasn’t in the mood for chit-chat so I leaned my head back and closed my eyes.  Although there was no way I could fall asleep; I was too aware of Lindsay
’s warm body sprawled across me.

I ran my fingers lightly through the silky strands of her hair while my mind replayed our argument outside the pub tonight.  All this time, for five years, I thought Lindsay broke it off because she didn’t love me.  I mean what else would I think when all I get is an e-mail saying we are over and asking me to stop calling. 
And then talking to Taryn and finding out Lindsay never even told her about me?  It was like driving the knife farther into my heart and twisting it.

For a split second when
Taryn first said Lindsay was here, I felt a flash of hope.  Hope that she was here for me.  Hope that she would apologize for leaving me and want to get back what we had.  But that wasn’t the case.  She was running from whatever made her life in the city so unbearable.

For the last month, since Lindsay set her high heeled feet in Penn Yan, the feelings of betrayal and hurt I’d learned to li
ve with had only intensified.  Now to hear that she hadn’t stopped loving me?  I didn’t miss that she said “love you”, present tense.  What the fuck am I supposed to do with that?  And if she still loves me and I’ve basically been treating her like shit for the past month?  I wouldn’t blame her if she hates me now.

I pinched the bridge of my nose with the hand not tangled in Lindsay’s hair. 
The only question that matters right now is do I still love her?  Looking down at Lindsay sleeping, snuggled against me, so trusting and beautiful, I know the answer is undeniably yes.  Of course I love her.  I never stopped.

“Grady,” Lindsay murmured, nuzzling her face against my chest like she was inhaling me and gripping my shirt in her fist like she didn’t want to let me go.  I froze and moved my head so I could see her face.  She was still asleep.  She was still asleep and obviously dreaming about me.

Hearing Lindsay whisper my name hit me hard.  Any doubts I had about where to go from here disappeared in that moment.  If there was even the slightest chance we could get back what we once had, I had to try.  There was something important that Lindsay wasn’t telling me - something important enough to make her turn away from our love.  Lindsay and I needed to talk about what happened to pull us apart all those years ago, and then we needed to figure out how to go forward - together.

I must have fallen asleep for a while, because the next thing I knew
Josh came out and woke me up.

“It’s a girl!”  He beamed.

The grandparents all jumped up to hug and congratulate him.  I couldn’t move, because Lindsay was still fast asleep.  So I shook Josh’s hand over her head and ignored the questioning glance he threw me.

“Congratulations, man.  How
are the baby and Leah?”

“Leah powered through like a champ.  She’s getting cleaned up and moved upstairs. 
Maddy is so beautiful, like a little doll.  You have to see her; she’s perfect,” Josh gushed.

“
Maddy?”  I asked.  They had chosen the name a while ago, but refused to tell anyone.  Leah said if you told people before the baby was born they felt free to give their honest opinions about the name.  If you told them once the baby was already here, there was nothing they could say except what a beautiful name it was.

“Madeleine Grace.  Seven pounds three ounces, twenty inches long,” Josh said proudly.  I was truly happy for him.  Having never had a child, I couldn’t fully understand what he was feeling, but if the huge smile on his face was any indication, it was something I looked forward to experiencing some day.

“You guys can all come to the nursery to see her through the window, but you’ll have to come back during visiting hours to hold her and see Leah,” Josh called over his shoulder as he hurried back down the hall.  His parents and Leah’s followed after him.

Even though I wanted to stay here all night with Lindsay, I also wanted to see the baby.  I brushed a stray lock of hair off her forehead and gently rubbed her back.  Lindsay murmured something
unintelligible and tightened her grip around my waist.

I
moved my fingers across her forehead again and whispered, “Lindsay, wake up.  The baby’s here.”  She reluctantly pushed herself up and blinked sleepily at me.  The sight of Lindsay waking up was something I had missed.  Her hair mussed and her eyelids heavy.

“Is she okay?  What time is it?” 
She asked in a husky sleepy voice.  I stood up and took her hand to pull her up too.

“Leah and the baby are both great.  It’s only 3:30.  Josh said we can see her in the nursery, but we’ll have to come back tomorrow or actually later today to
visit Leah and hold the baby.”

This was the most civil conversation between us in the last month, and it seemed neither of us knew what to do with that. 
So, I dropped her hand as we walked together toward the nursery.  This wasn’t the time or place to delve into that conversation.

Josh’s and Leah’s parents were already there, and Josh was standing behind the glass in a
blue scrub gown holding up a tiny pink bundle.  His dark hair was standing up in all directions and there were dark circles under his eyes from being up all night, but I had never seem him look happier.  The grin on his face was infectious, and I watched Lindsay beaming back at him as she pressed her hand to the glass.

“She’s beautiful,”
she breathed.  “What’s her name?”  She asked looking up at me.  Her lips were curved into a soft smile, but tears were streaming down her cheeks.  I’d never been to see a newborn before, but I was pretty sure this was not a normal reaction.  Even the grandparents weren’t sobbing.  A few silent tears maybe, but not Niagara Falls like Lindsay.

My eyebrows pulled together as I looked at her, and I framed her delicate fac
e with my hands, brushing her tears away with my thumbs.

“Madeleine Grace,” I
said softly.  She bit her plump lower lip and looked back to Josh and his daughter.  Josh and Maddy were posing for pictures, and Lindsay watched, captivated.  It was clear she was happy for Leah and Josh, but there was something else going on with her.  There was such a desperate sadness in her eyes, almost like grief.

She needed to get out of here,
that much was clear, so I put my arm around Lindsay’s shoulder and pulled her back from the window.

“Come on, Lindsay. 
It’s late.  I’ll take you home.”

Lindsay
let me lead her away and out of the hospital.  She was still crying, harder now, her shoulders shaking and her chest heaving.  What the hell was going on here?  She stood before me when we reached my bike.  I brushed a few more tears from her face when I secured my helmet on her head, snapping the clasp under her chin like a child. Helping her onto the bike behind me, I wrapped her arms snuggly around my waist and covered her hands with my mine.

“Are you okay, Lindsay?” 
I asked gruffly.  She made that sniffling hiccupy sound and shook her head against my back.  No, she definitely wasn’t okay.  I really wished I knew why.  I could handle angry Lindsay, snarky Lindsay, even bitchy Lindsay.  But I couldn’t handle sad, heartbroken Lindsay.  I felt her pain in my own chest, and I didn’t know what to do to fix it.  I didn’t even know what the problem was to begin with.

I
sighed but didn’t say anymore as I started the bike and drove to Lana’s house.  When we arrived I walked Lindsay to the front door and waited while she unlocked it.  She turned to me, still crying.  Her eyes were wells of emotion, spilling over onto her cheeks.  I wanted to pull her to me, hold her close and make her tell me what was going on with her.

But it was almost sunrise and neither of us had much
sleep tonight.  I clenched my jaw and looked down at the ground. “You should get some sleep,” I said stiffly.  She nodded and turned to go inside.  Her shoulders were slumped; she looked thoroughly defeated.

“Lindsay,” I called, jogging up the steps to the front porch.  She turned back just as I reached her and pulled her into my arms.  After a second she relaxed into me, wrapping her arms around my waist and sobbing against my shoulder.  I don’t know how long we stood there, with me caressing her hair and back while I whispered comforti
ng words.

“
Sshh, Lindsay.  It’s okay.  You’re okay.”  I hoped to hell that was true, but I didn’t know what else to say.  Crying females were never my specialty.  Finally her tears slowed and she slowly pulled away.

“Thanks, Grady,” she muttered and went inside, leaving me standing alone on the porch.

I didn’t leave right away.  Instead I stayed until I saw the light in her room go on and then off again a few minutes later.  Knowing she was safely tucked in bed, I rode home to catch a couple of hours of sleep before I had to get up for work.

In the morning I realized I never turned my phone back on when we left the hospital.  Switching it on I saw a missed call from a number I didn’t recognize.  The voicemail was from a local realtor with an offer on my house from his buyer.  I
had until 6:00 pm to respond.

Shit.  This was not what I needed today.  Sinking back down on my bed I sat with my elbows on my knees and
dropped my head into my hands.  Lana said the house would go quickly, and yesterday at this time I would have accepted the offer straight out.  It was a good offer, really good.  But with everything that happened last night and finding out that there was more to Lindsay and me then I knew, I couldn’t sell right now.  Who was I kidding?  I couldn’t sell ever.

I called the realtor back right then, even though it was barely 7:00 am and declined the offer.  I even went so far as to tell him the house was off the market.  Then I went outside and pulled
the For Sale sign out of the yard.  I built this house for Lindsay, and I couldn’t give it up anymore than I could give her up.

With Josh out for at least a week with the baby,
I had plenty to do to keep me busy all day.  I busted my ass so I could leave a little early and swing by the hospital.  Then I was going to find Lindsay, and we were going to have the conversation that was five years in the making.  I had a nagging feeling that her meltdown last night had something to do with us and our history, but I couldn’t for the life of me figure it out.

Lindsay

I didn’t have the energy to change into my pajamas, so I curled up on my bed and hugged my pillow to my chest and cried.  Over the last five years I had tried very hard to not let myself think about Grady or what we had lost.  But tonight, spurred by the birth of Leah’s daughter, and the stark reminder that I would never have a baby of my own, I cried.  I cried for what I had lost.  For the first time since I sent that e-mail five years ago, I cried myself to sleep.

The sun was streaming through the window full force when I woke up.  My mouth was dry and my eyes were swollen, and I was still wearing my jeans and tank top from the day before.  I rolled over and stared up at the ceiling fan twirling overhead.  A quick glance at the clock told me it was 2:00 - in the afternoon.  Ugh.  I felt like ass.

I grabbed my phone and texted Josh to see when visitors were allowed.  He replied that Ford had already been by this morning before his shift started and Grady was planning on going after he got off work.

Poor Grady.  He was up all night at the hospital and then he had to work today.  I briefly debated whether I should visit now and be gone before Grady arrived, or if I should time my visit to coincide with his.  There had been a definite shift in his attitude toward me after he found out I really had loved him.  I still couldn’t believe he thought I didn’t care about what we had.  Although I couldn’t blame him.  I only had myself to blame for that.

Even though I was well rested, I was emotionally drained from last night, and I wasn’t sure I was ready to talk to Grady about everything we needed to talk about.  So, I dragged myself out of bed and into the shower.

Two hours later I arrived at the hospital, flowers and pink stuffed bear in hand.  It was a warm day in early September, so I wore a flowy skirt, fitted t-shirt and flip flops.  When I entered Leah’s room, I found Josh sitting in the rocking chair with little Madeleine.  I stopped for a moment in the doorway and watched him cooing at her.  It was heartwarming to see a big burly guy holding a tiny baby girl.  She was all swaddled in a soft pink blanket with a hat on her head, so all you could see was her precious face peeking out.  The toilet flushed and Leah shuffled out of the bathroom in her hospital gown and socks.  I set my things down and helped her over to the bed.

“
Oooh, my girly parts hurt,” she complained as she gingerly sat on the bed and swung her legs over the side.

Josh winced
. “Jesus, Leah.  Not everyone who comes to visit needs to know that.”  He looked at me, “I thought Ford was going to shit when Leah started talking about the damage Maddy did on her way out.”  I laughed at the image of Ford listening to Leah’s birth story.

“So, we’re calling he
r Maddy?”

Leah nodded, “Yes.  Madeleine is a mouthful for such a tiny thing.”

Josh stood up and motioned for me to sit in the rocking chair, and then he gently placed Maddy in my arms.  She was so small and weighed next to nothing.  I had never held a newborn before, and it was amazing.  She was sleeping and made the most adorable scrunchy faces.  I rocked her for half an hour while chatting with Leah.  She ran through the whole story of the birth, sparing no details.  And as much as I loved Leah, I could have done without the play by play description of breastfeeding for the first time.  Especially since it wasn’t something I would ever be doing.

Since I was here to keep an eye on his ladies, Josh had excused himself to run down to the cafeteria.
  It was getting close to 5:00 and I wanted to be out of here before Grady arrived.  I heard Josh’s voice coming down the hall and planned to make my escape, but then he walked into the room with Grady right behind him.

He had clearly come from work with his faded jeans, dirty t-shirt and bandana covering his hair.  I was fascinated by the tattoos on his arms and hoped one day I would get the chance to examine them
closely, every inch of him really.

He raised an eyebrow and smirked at me, like he could tell where my thoughts were heading.  I dropped my focus back to
Maddy and let my hair fall over my shoulder to hide my blushing cheeks.

Standing up carefully
, I said, “Well, I’ve monopolized your baby for long enough.  I’d better get going.”  I started to pass Maddy back to Josh, but he motioned for me to hand her to Grady.

Leah piped up from the bed, “Wash your hands first, Grady.  I don’t need motor grease all over my baby.”

I instinctively swayed back and forth while I waited for Grady to wash and dry his hands.  He came over and I placed Maddy in his arms.  A huge smile immediately came over his face and he started to sway too.  My heart clenched painfully in my chest at the sight of him holding a baby.  I had to get out of here before I broke down in front of him again.  I grabbed my purse and gave Josh and Leah quick hugs.

“Call me when you get home tomorrow and I’ll come do your laundry or clean your house or whatever needs to be done,” I said and practically ran out the door.

When I was safely a ways down the hall I stopped and leaned against the wall, sliding down until I was sitting on the floor.  I wrapped my arms around my knees and worked on breathing evenly and holding back the tears.  After a few minutes and several stares from other visitors I felt calm enough to leave.

But where would I go?  I didn’t want to go back to Lana’s empty house, and my only friend was here in the hospital. 
I thought about calling Taryn, but that would require me to explain things I didn’t want to explain yet.

Ford, I thought.  Ford’s ever-grumpy mood and the drinks he served were just what I needed right now.

I drove home and left my car in the driveway.  With the amount of alcohol I was planning to drink, there was no way I would be able to drive home.  So, I walked the short distance to downtown Penn Yan and the pub.

Ford was putting away glasses at the other end of the bar when I plopped myself on a bar stool.  It was barely 5:00 so the dinner rush had yet to fill the tables.  I tapped my nails on the bar impatiently until Ford threw the towel over his shou
lder and sauntered down to me.

“Lindsay,” he said.  I smiled at him, glad that he had moved past scowlin
g at me as a form of greeting.

“I want a
Corona and a shot of tequila.”

He raised an eyebrow at my request and took off his basebal
l cap to scratch his forehead.

“Uh, it’s a little early to be
doing shots, don’t you think?”

I slapped my palm on the bar and said
sternly, “Don’t fuck with me tonight, Ford.  Bring me my drinks, and keep ‘em coming.”

He exhaled and held up his hand
s in surrender, “Okay.  Okay.”

Less than a minute later he set my beer and shot in front of me. 
“Rough day?”  He asked sarcastically.

I scowled at him.
“You have no idea.”

He leaned against the counter behind the bar, crossing his arms over his chest and scoffed, “Ha.  Yeah, it must be real hard to live off your trust fund and do whateve
r you want whenever you want.”

I tossed back the shot and chased it with a swig of my beer.  Slamming the empty shot
glass upside down on the bar, I pointed my finger at him.  “Oh.  You want to play this game, big guy?  You think you can beat me in the ‘I hate my life game’?  I guarantee you I will win.”

He looked intrigued and I’m pretty sure this was the longest conversation I had ever seen him have with anyone.  “All right, I’m in.  If I win, you have to take over my shift on Halloween.  It gets crazy in here, and I would love to see the city girl slinging drinks,” he said wit
h an actual smile on his face.

I grinned back at him, “Okay.  And if I win, you have to wear a costume of my choosing while you work on Halloween.”  He smirked at that, clearly confident in his life’s
suckiness, and held out his hand.

“Deal.”
  We shook on it, and he refilled my shot glass.

I started out with something easy, “
My dad always wanted a son instead of a daughter.”

Ford wiped off the counter in front of me and s
neered, “If that’s the best you got, we might as well just stop now and declare me the winner.”

“That’s
definitely not the best I’ve got, or the worst depending on how you look at it.  I’m just getting warmed up.  I have all night.  It’s not like I have anything better to do.”  I took another swig of my beer and propped my chin in my hands.  “Okay, your turn.”

Ford rubbed his chin for a moment and then said, “
My dad left my mom and me when I was seven years old, and we haven’t heard from him since.”  I frowned.  This might be harder to win than I thought.

“My mother hasn’t spoken to me in almost three months,” I said.

“My mother has cancer,” Ford replied evenly.  Oh, God.  I dropped my forehead onto the smooth wood of the bar with a thunk.  “I’m so sorry, Ford.”  He shrugged one shoulder, and went to get drinks for a couple that had settled at the other end of the bar.

When he returned I decided to steer clear of family.  “You’re up, Ross,” he said setting another full shot glass down in front of me.

“The last guy I had sex with was my professor.  My much older, married professor,” I said, waiting for his response.

He raised an eyebrow and thought for a minute before saying, “You got me there.  The last girl I screwed was a swimsuit
model here for a photo shoot.”

I rubbed my hands together.  All right, I was back in this competition.  Ford surprised me by going first this round.  “I fucked up my leg so bad I still have a slight limp, and it aches every damn time it rains.
”  Hmmm, that was a pretty bad one.  But I was positive I had a medical mess to top that.

“I can’t have children,” I said haughtily.  Ha, top that one.  Ford narrowed his eyes at me, and
then nodded in agreement that I took that round.

After that he had to serve several customers that had come in for Happy Hour.  I amused myself with choosing songs on the juke box and dancing by myself.  Come to think of it, I probably amused everyone in the pub.

Two hours, three beers and four shots later, I was starting to feel a lot better.  The dinner crowd had picked up, so Ford was busy and our back and forth had slowed.  I was up next having just heard the dollar value of the NFL contract he lost when he hurt his leg.  The only thing I had to top that was the secret I was holding from Grady and everyone.

“Ford!”
  I shouted and waved my empty beer bottle in the air.  He rolled his eyes and turned back to the customer he was serving.

My body tingled with awareness
, and I heard Grady’s voice near my ear, “I think you’ve had enough, Lindsay.”  I snapped my head around to smile at him as he took a seat next to me.  Normally I would have glared at him for telling me what to do, but the alcohol was making me happy.

I waved my hand in front of his face
. “Pffft, I’m fine.”  I swung my gaze back to Ford and motioned for him to come over.  “Ford and I are getting to know each other.  We’ve established that his life sucks dick.  But…I have one last little secret up my sleeve,” I taunted.

Grady was looking at me with an amused smirk on his face.  “Get some food out here to soak up the alc
ohol,” he said to Ford.

Grady sat next to me for the next hour making me drink water and eat the food Ford brought out.  He listened patiently to me rambling on about nothing and everything.  When I had sobered up a fair amount, he stood up and said, “I’
m taking you home.  Let’s go.”

He pulled out some cash, but Ford waved
it away. “It’s on the house, man.  She has provided me hours of entertainment.”  I walked behind the bar to give Ford a hug, standing on my tiptoes and throwing my arms around his neck.

“
Thanks, Ford.  It’s too bad I’m hopelessly in love with Grady, or I would take you home in a second and…”  Grady growled and pulled me away from Ford.  “Wait!” I said going back to Ford and tugging him down to my level so I could whisper my secret in his ear.

The smile fell from his face and he was quiet for a moment befo
re saying, “You win, Lindsay.”

“Let’s go, Lindsay.  Before I have to beat the shit out of my best friend,” Grady said pulling me toward the door.  The sun had set and the stars were out.  I looked around for Grady’s bike, but didn’t
I see it anywhere.

“Where’s your bike?”

He put an arm around my waist to steady and guide me.  “It’s at Lana’s.  I thought the walk would do you good.”

The food and fresh air had sobered me up enough to realize Grady was not antagonizing me or toying with me.  And that his arm was around my waist holding me firmly to his side as we walked.  We reached the steps of Lana’s porch
, and I stepped up two steps and turned around so we were eye to eye.  I was ready to tell him everything.  I wanted to tell him.  But more than that, right now I wanted to kiss him.  So, I did.