Just Physical (37 page)

“I know what you mean.” Crash debated with herself for several seconds before deciding to go ahead and voice her thoughts. If they kept dancing around each other, they would never be able to build any kind of deeper relationship. “That's how I have felt since…well, pretty much since I met you.” She held up her hand before Jill could speak. “I know we won't ride off into the sunset together anytime soon. That's all right. Just don't shut me out again, okay? I want to be part of your life beyond the bedroom, in whatever capacity you'll allow.”

Instead of her features closing off, as Crash had feared, a slow smile crept onto Jill's face. “Ride off into the sunset?”

Crash shrugged. “I guess I saw too many westerns as a kid.”

They both shuffled their feet and looked around the parking lot instead of at each other.

Ridiculous
. Crash had never been at a loss for words around women, at least not since leaving her teenage years behind. Tensing more with every second that went by, she waited for Jill to acknowledge what she'd just said.

“I don't know what exactly I want from you…from our…from us,” Jill said, staring down at the car keys in her left hand as if they were the most fascinating thing she'd ever seen. She peeked up. “Actually, that's not true. I know what I want, but I have no idea what I can have.”

Crash's heart gave an excited thud. Admitting that was a huge step for Jill. She pressed her lips together, afraid that anything she said now would be too much and scare her away. Finally, when Jill kept looking at her, she said, “That's okay. We've got time to figure it out.”

She hoped that was the truth. Filming would end in less than three weeks, and their initial agreement had been that their fling would end then. Would Jill, in a final, desperate attempt not to let her close, insist on it, even though so much had changed? She was determined not to let that happen, but it all depended on Jill.

When Jill just nodded in reply, Crash figured she had reached the capacity of what she could process in one day. “So,” she said in a lighter tone, “what are you going to do with the rest of the afternoon? Any plans?”

“Not yet. But, well…” Jill peered up from under half-lowered lashes, heat and shyness mingling in her gaze. “I seem to remember giving you a rain check, if you're still interested.”

The hint of vulnerability beneath her seductive tone touched Crash's heart. “Oh, I'm definitely interested. I mean, the walkathon was a rather leisurely affair, so I should do something to get my heart rate up.”

Jill quirked a smile. “Need a sparring partner to assist you with that?”

Crash chuckled and tipped the brim of an imaginary hat. “That would be very much appreciated, ma'am.”

Grinning, Jill unlocked her car. “Well, then, follow me.”

“Crash?” Jill said quietly as they lay tangled together in her bed. She lifted her head off Crash's chest.

Something in her tone made Crash open her eyes and try to make out Jill's expression in the near darkness. “Hmm?” She trailed her fingers in soothing circles over Jill's shoulder blades, enjoying the smoothness of her warm skin.

“Do you think the couples we met today can still have this?” Jill gestured at their naked bodies.

“You mean sex?”

Jill nodded.

“Well, since they can't be with you, it won't be as amazing,” Crash said with a grin. Then, sensing how serious this was for Jill, she sobered. “I'm not sure, Jill. I assume many of them manage some kind of sexual intimacy.”

Jill was silent for a while. “Even the ones who ended up in a wheelchair?” she asked, sounding skeptical. “How's that supposed to work?”

“The handicapped partner could tell the other how to touch herself, for example.” Crash rolled them around and nibbled Jill's neck, tasting the resulting goose bumps with her tongue. She trailed a string of kisses up Jill's neck and then whispered in her ear, “Wouldn't that be hot?”

A shiver went through Jill. She clutched Crash's bare back, digging in her nails in a way that made Crash groan with pleasure. “Oh yeah. At least for a change of pace. But if that was the only thing I could do…”

For a moment, Crash considered showing her how creative they could get in their lovemaking. But that wouldn't help Jill with all the doubts that were apparently going through her mind. She rolled them onto their sides and held Jill in her arms. “I hope it'll never come to that. But if it happens, we would figure it out together.”

Jill leaned up on one elbow and stared down at her as if amazed that Crash had openly used the word
we
, but instead of protesting, she sighed and nestled closer.

“You've got a lot more to offer than just sex,” Crash said and kissed her softly.

“Amazing sex,” Jill corrected.

Crash smiled against her lips. “Even more than that.”

For a moment, Jill looked as if she was tempted to show her just how amazing it could be, but then she put her head on Crash's shoulder and closed her eyes.

Crash held her until they both fell asleep.

CHAPTER 19

Jill glanced at the clock
in the right-hand corner of her laptop's task bar. One minute to eight. She stared at the dialogue box that had been on her screen for the last five minutes. Should she log in or not? If she waited much longer, the meeting would start without her.

Sweat broke out all over her body while she paused with her fingers over the keyboard.
Come on. You can do it. It's anonymous.

Not giving herself time to back out, she chose a username, typing the first thing that came to mind.

A message appeared at the top half of the screen.

 

Actress_lady has entered the room.

 

Jill gripped the laptop with both hands and looked around the group's meeting room. The right side of the screen listed the usernames of the other participants: LeaM, Momof3, Jennacbarton, Stacy123, Wishbone, Sucks_to_be_me, and Totally_dorky. She chuckled at what she assumed to be George's nickname.

Another message, this one in red, popped up.

 

Totally_dorky: Hey there, actress_lady. Glad you could join us. Like my wife said, we don't bite.

 

Jill froze. Sally had said that at the walkathon. So much for staying anonymous. How had George guessed who she was? Had Crash told him she was an actress?

 

LeaM: Welcome.

 

Wishbone: Hi.

 

She answered with a smiley, hoping they would get the message. She was here to watch, not to talk.

 

Totally_dorky: Does anyone have any questions or things you want to talk about tonight?

 

Jill waited, hoping someone else would come up with something and she wouldn't be called on.

 

Stacy123: My mom's on the warpath again.

 

Sucks_to_be_me: What crawled up her ass this time?

 

Stacy123: The appointment with my neurologist was on Monday, and I refused to let her come. The last time I allowed her to come in with me, she wouldn't stop crying and then she wasted all my time by explaining her crazy treatment ideas to my doctor and insisting that we try them.

 

Maybe she was related to Jill's mother. That sounded like something her mom would have done—if she had ever accompanied her to a doctor's appointment. The last time they had talked on the phone, her mother had gone on and on about the benefits of cod liver oil, right after she had asked Jill if she had finally talked to her brother.

 

Stacy123: That's more stress than I can deal with right now, so I told her to stay home. It's hard enough to remember all the things I want to talk about with my neuro without her there to create drama.

 

Jennacbarton: Yeah! Finally!

 

Momof3: Go, girl!

 

Wishbone added an icon displaying a pair of clapping hands to the discussion.

 

LeaM: You did the right thing. Your doctor's appointment is for you.

 

Sucks_to_be_me: Yeah. If your mother can't deal, she should make her own appointment—preferably with a therapist.

 

Jill chuckled. Sucks_to_be_me seemed to be quite the character. She wondered what his or her story was.

 

Totally_dorky: Do you have someone else who could come with you, maybe drive you and then wait in the car or the waiting room?

 

For several seconds, nothing moved on the screen. Then Stacy123's answer popped up.

 

Stacy123: I could ask my boyfriend, but he's working a lot and I don't want to impose on him all the time.

 

Sucks_to_be_me: Impose? Hello? He's your boyfriend, so he should be glad to be there for you.

 

Totally_dorky: Tone it down, Sucks. It's not an easy balance to achieve for most people. Mrs. Totally Dorky and I struggled with it for a long time. I don't want to shut her out and be a stubborn jerk, but I also don't want to give up what little independence I still possess and have her carry too much of my burden.

 

A new message from actress_lady appeared on the screen. Jill stared at the sentence in blue and then at her fingers, which had moved over the keyboard as if on their own accord.

 

Actress_lady: How do you do it? How do you achieve a balance?

 

Sucks_to_be_me: Ooh, so the newbie can talk
.

 

Momof3: Shut up.

 

Jennacbarton: Dorky, I think Sucks needs a reminder of the group rules.

 

Sucks_to_be_me: Okay, okay. Sorry, actress_lady.

 

Jill ignored them all, waiting for George's reply. The red type finally appeared on the screen:

 

Totally_dorky: The same way we all are
.

 

Which was? She hesitated and then typed her question.

 

Totally_dorky: You put together a network of supportive people who are there for you when you have a relapse or become disabled, so that not everything rests on the shoulders of your main caregiver.

 

Sucks_to_be_me: Duh.
Bet she did that already.

 

Her fingers frozen on the keyboard, Jill shook her head. No, she hadn't. Sure, she knew Grace and Lauren would be there for her if push came to shove. Susana wouldn't hesitate to help either. But she had never made any formal arrangements or talked to them about it.

 

Sucks_to_be_me: Here's my advice.

 

Jill wasn't sure she wanted to know what he or she had to say, but she read on anyway.

 

Sucks_to_be_me: If you can afford it, pay someone to help you. I always found people most reliable when I had my checkbook with me.

 

That was the grand pearl of wisdom? “Wow,” Jill mumbled at the screen. “It must
really
suck to be you.” What kind of family and friends did this person have to end up with such a sarcastic attitude? Or had his or her attitude chased all the willing helpers away?

 

Totally_dorky: Thanks for the tip. Getting professional help is indeed a good option for some things. But, Sucks, wallowing in your bitterness really isn't. We want actress_lady to get something positive out of this meeting, not chase her away.

 

Jill already knew that, if nothing else, she had already learned something from this meeting: she never wanted to end up like Sucks_to_be_me. While she didn't want to give up her independence, she realized that she had to let other people in and take active steps toward dealing with her MS. How she would do that, she wasn't sure yet, but maybe tonight could be the first step.

CHAPTER 20

When the gate buzzer sounded,
Jill beat even Tramp to the door. “Yes?” she said into the intercom, even though she had a pretty good idea of who was standing on the other side of her gate.

“Hey. It's me.”

No name necessary. Jill buzzed her in. Since the walkathon two weeks ago, they had spent every break on the set and almost every night together. She had never thought that she could spend so much time with one person and not get sick of her—quite the opposite.

When she opened the door, Crash greeted her with a kiss that nearly made Jill sink to the floor in a puddle of goo.

Then Crash stepped past her and set down the bag she carried to greet Tramp, who was going crazy, barking and wagging his rear end so hard that even his front shook.

“What's that?” Jill pointed at the small duffel bag.

Crash followed her gaze. “I need to be on the set very early tomorrow, so I brought a change of clothes…just in case I would end up staying over.”

“Good thinking,” Jill murmured, fighting down a hint of panic. Crash needed clean clothes in the morning. It wasn't as if she was asking to move in.

They settled down on the couch, cuddling and exchanging a kiss every now and then while they talked about their days. Finally, they each picked up their own work, Jill studying tomorrow's lines, while Crash watched something on her laptop.

Jill had come to love evenings like this. If only this sharing of their evenings could last beyond the wrapping of the movie next week… She still wasn't sure what the best option was—or even if there was a best option.

Sighing, she curled her legs under her on the couch and tried to focus on her script pages, but her attention kept wandering off—mostly toward the woman next to her.

Normally, Crash's presence was soothing, but today, she radiated an edginess that made the air around her seem to hum with energy. Crash sat on the couch, her laptop perched on her knees, watching the screen with rapt attention.

Jill had seen that kind of intense focus on the easygoing woman's face just when Crash was preparing for a stunt…or when they made love.

Weeks ago, she would have admonished herself for that phrasing of her thoughts, but now she could admit—at least to herself—that they were making love, even though having sex was all she was able to openly acknowledge.

She slid a bit closer on the couch to see what had captured Crash's attention so completely.

A cartoon woman in a 1906-style dress moved across the laptop screen, rushing out of a house with her eyes and her mouth wide open. Crash had the laptop's speakers off, but the woman seemed to be screaming at the top of her lungs. Flames danced along her back, quickly engulfing her entire body.

At first, Jill thought Crash was watching a cartoon or an animated movie, but when the sequence repeated over and over, she realized that it was a 3-D visualization of the fire stunt that was scheduled for tomorrow.

In less than twenty hours, it would be Crash's body, not the cartoon woman's, that was being set on fire.

She had known about the big fire stunt for weeks, of course, but she hadn't allowed herself to think about it much. There had been other things to focus on. But now Jill's throat tightened, and she struggled to breathe normally. She had to reach out for her water bottle and take a big sip before she could speak. “Crash?” She lightly touched Crash's knee.

“Hmm?” Crash answered without looking away from the laptop screen.

“Are you worried about tomorrow?”

Crash closed the laptop, put it down on the coffee table, and turned on the couch to face her. “We've planned this stunt for months, and we did about a million run-throughs. There'll be a fire marshal and several people with fire extinguishers on the set. Every crew member knows exactly what to do. Statistically, I'm taking a greater risk every time I'm taking my car out on an LA highway.”

By now, Jill knew her well enough to hear what she wasn't saying. “That's good to know, but it doesn't answer my question.”

Crash clutched her knees with both hands. “I…”

Jill put one hand on her arm. The muscles and tendons under her palm felt like steel, and she rubbed gently to loosen them. “This is me, Crash. You don't need to be the heroic, fearless stuntwoman here.”

Crash's shoulders slumped. “I'm scared shitless. What if I freeze or my timing is off or—”

“You won't,” Jill said firmly, not just to convince Crash but also to chase away the image of Crash burning from her mind. “You went over this stunt so often, you could do it in your sleep.”

A sigh escaped Crash. “You're right,” she mumbled but didn't sound convinced.

“Did I ever tell you that I first started acting in elementary school?”

The tension in Crash's arm receded. She shook her head.

“I was a donkey in our Christmas school play.”

That put a smile on Crash's face. “Aww. I bet you were cute.”

“I didn't have any lines, but I was nervous as hell,” Jill said. “I was about to throw up behind the stage. I was so afraid I'd bump into the manger with my cardboard costume and knock it over, baby Jesus and all. My teacher took me aside. Want to know what advice she gave me?”

“To picture the audience naked?” Crash guessed.

“That's the kind of advice you'd give a seven-year-old?” Jill lightly pinched her. “Good thing you're a stuntwoman, not a teacher. No, she told me to imagine the worst thing that could happen—”

“I don't know,” Crash murmured. “I liked the idea of picturing you naked better.”

Jill pinched her a little harder and continued, ignoring the interruption, “And then to think of a way that I could still come out on top of the situation. So I pictured myself picking up baby Jesus and cradling him in my…uh, hooves, keeping him warm. The audience couldn't hate me if I did that, right?”

Crash leaned forward and kissed her. “I don't see how they could,” she whispered against Jill's lips.

Quickly, Jill pulled back before Crash could distract her from what she wanted to say. “So, even if you freeze or your timing is all wrong…” She looked at Crash expectantly.

“I could always drop down to the ground. That's the sign for my team to put me out. They'd have me covered in foam within seconds,” Crash said as if to herself. Her hand went to her neck and covered the burn mark protectively. “This isn't the set of
Point of Impact
. I know what to do to avoid that snafu. If the wind is too strong or coming from the wrong direction, I'll tell Ben we have to wait.”

“Exactly.” Jill nodded with vigor. She pulled Crash's hand away from her neck and held it in both of hers. “I know fire stunts are hard for you, but I know you'll get through this like a champ. I believe in you.”

“Thank you,” Crash whispered, sounding a little choked.

Jill pulled Crash's legs up onto the couch and encouraged her to extend them across her lap so they could be even closer.

“I know your call time is only at eleven tomorrow and the fire gag is at eight, but…will you come watch?”

She sounded so vulnerable that Jill wanted to wrap her in her arms and never let go again. “Are you sure you want me there?” She didn't want her presence to make Crash even more nervous. And, truth be told, she wasn't sure if she could stand to see Crash be set on fire. A shiver went through her at the thought.

Crash looked her in the eyes and nodded.

“Then I'll be there.”

“Hey, you okay?” From her now lying position, Crash studied Jill's face.

“Me?” Jill laughed, a sound bare of any humor. “I'm not the one who is going to be set on fire tomorrow.”

“But you're the one who's trembling,” Crash said.

“Must be because I'm so close to you.” Jill gave her voice a seductive timbre. She didn't want to make Crash even more worried by voicing her own fears. Instead, she trailed one finger up the inside seam of Crash's jeans, all the while looking into her face to see if Crash would be receptive to a little distraction.

A groan rose up Crash's throat. Her breathing instantly quickened. “Jill…”

Jill pressed a finger to Crash's lips. “No talking.”

“No talking,” Crash whispered against her finger. “I can think of better things to do with my mouth.” She sat up and kissed Jill forcefully, as if she wanted to imprint herself on all of her senses. One of her hands slid beneath Jill's shirt and her thumb brushed the underside of one breast, driving Jill crazy with desire. She wanted to feel Crash's touch higher or lower on her body. Preferably both.

She pressed herself against Crash and moaned. “Touch me.”

“I am touching you,” Crash murmured against her lips.

Only then did Jill realize that Crash's other hand had moved down and was stroking the inside of her thigh, which was left bare by her shorts. She watched Crash's fingers caress her leg, but she couldn't feel the touch at all. That part of her left leg was completely numb. It had happened before, so Jill wasn't worried, but now for the first time someone other than her doctors was touching the limb while it was numb. It was a distancing feeling, as if she were watching someone else making love. She wanted to push Crash's hand away and touch her instead, knowing that she would still get a lot of pleasure just by watching her come.

But Crash was faster. She moved her other hand down too, unbuttoned Jill's shorts, and managed to shove them and Jill's panties halfway down her legs without letting go of her. Her fingertips slid up and to a spot that wasn't numb at all.

“Oh, God.” Jill gasped. “I can feel you.”

Then Crash pressed closer and shifted her fingers, making Jill forget about her numb leg and about tomorrow and about anything but how incredible Crash's touch felt.

“Are you really sure you want to drive me?” Crash asked for the fifth time as Jill grabbed the car keys. “You could have slept a little longer and still made it to the studio in time to see the gag.”

More sleep sounded good. Jill hadn't slept much last night, and when she had fallen asleep, nightmare images of Crash burning and screaming in panic and pain had woken her up.

“I'm driving you,” she answered, just as she had the other four times. God, was she as annoying when she refused to let other people help? She hoped not.

Crash was silent on the drive to the studio. Jill knew she was running through the stunt in her mind, so she didn't try to make conversation, but she kept her hand on Crash's knee the entire way.

Tension lay in the air when they passed the guard and drove onto the studio lot. More crew members than usual were bustling about the second-unit set, double-checking fire extinguishers, blankets, and other safety equipment, while others were there to watch the stunt. Six cameras were being set up, because this was a scene they had to capture in one take.

Firefighters and medics were waiting at the edge of the set. Maybe their presence should have been soothing, but to Jill it drove home the dangerous nature of this stunt. If this gag went wrong, Crash wouldn't walk away with a few bumps and bruises.

She tried to tell herself that there was nothing to it; she had watched Crash perform other dangerous stunts since their first day on set.

But this was different, not just because this stunt scared even the normally confident Crash. When she had watched her do the first stunt involving fire, she hadn't been in love with her.

She squeezed her eyes shut as dizziness gripped her. Yet as much as she tried to, there was no denying it, at least not to herself. But then again, loving Crash had never really been the issue; allowing herself to be loved back was.

Drawing on her acting skills to keep a neutral expression, Jill walked side by side with Crash until they reached the point where the crew had set up the facade of a house that had been seriously hit by the earthquake.

Ben looked up from his conversation with two crew men Jill didn't know and waved Crash over.

“I need to go,” Crash said but didn't move. Her face was expressionless, but her eyes were filled with fear.

Jill reached for both of her hands, finding them clammy. She squeezed softly. “The hardest part was showing up. You can do this.”

A smile flitted across Crash's face as Jill repeated her words from the walkathon. “See you at the finish line.” Her grip on Jill's hands tightened for a second, then she let go, gave her one last glance, and walked away.

Jill watched her go, her hands clutched around each other.

“Hey, Jill!”

When she turned, Lauren waved at her from behind the security barricades.

Jill headed over. “Good morning.”

“Morning. Seems no one wanted to miss this.” Lauren gestured at the other cast members who had shown up early to watch the big fire stunt.

“Seems so,” Jill murmured.