Just the Way You Are (25 page)

‘Are you Ava Clements?’ she asked. Her voice was the same Southern brogue as her mother’s.

I nodded. ‘How is she?’

Carolyn’s gaze dropped to the floor. My heart followed suit into my shoes; that look couldn’t mean good news.

‘I’ll be honest, she’s not good. I went to her house to cook her some dinner and she couldn’t catch her breath then she just…’ She trailed off and turned away so I wouldn’t see her cry.

I edged closer to her and gently patted her on the shoulder.

‘Carolyn, I’ve only known your mum for a couple of months but she’s the strongest woman I’ve ever met. If anyone can get through this, she can.’

She took a deep breath and sat down to wipe her eyes. I kept my distance at first but she motioned to me to take a seat beside her.

‘Mom told me all about you, you know; how you were gonna find her old friend Leo for her. She couldn’t say enough good things about you, called you an angel sent from above. Being diagnosed with cancer really hit her for six but your visits have made it a lot easier for her.’

My heart swelled. Knowing I’d made a difference to Ivy’s life during a tough time made me so happy. However, that feeling was tempered by guilt that I hadn’t been more proactive in my search for Leo. I made a silent vow to myself that if Ivy got better, I’d get a move on with reuniting them. Just because my happy ending was ruined didn’t mean Ivy’s had to be.

Just then, a doctor came out of Ivy’s room. Carolyn and I stood up, bracing ourselves for what we were about to hear.

‘Are you with Ivy St Clair?’ he asked.

Carolyn nodded and I took a step backwards.

‘She’s stable now but the next twenty-four hours are critical. We’ll have to stop the intravenous chemo until she’s well enough and the longer that takes, the higher the risk there is of the cancer worsening. If the next twenty-four hours go well, we’ll try her with some oral chemotherapy drugs to give her the best chance.’

Carolyn crumbled into a heap and I caught her before she fell onto the floor.

‘It’s OK, she’ll be fine,’ I whispered.

‘You can see her now if you like?’ the doctor suggested.

I nodded and led Carolyn into the room. I wasn’t prepared for what I saw next: a very frail-looking Ivy lying in a hospital bed, surrounded by beeping machines, drips and cannulas. Sensing she had company, she turned her head to look at us. I noticed a weak smile form on her lips.

‘Well hi there, you two.’ Her usually rich, soulful voice was raspy and weak, like all the life had been drained from her.

‘Hey Mom, how ya feelin’?’ Carolyn took a seat and placed her hand over her mum’s.

‘Terrible,’ Ivy replied. She paused to cough and wheeze a little and Carolyn handed her an oxygen mask. ‘Cancer’s putting a real crimp in my style!’

She patted her headscarf and gestured to her nasal and intravenous cannulas to back up her point. We both laughed; even when she was gravely ill, Ivy’s spirit couldn’t be beaten.

‘You look beautiful,’ I said. ‘You’re rocking that headscarf for a start!’

‘Why thank you honey. Carolyn, would you mind if I had a minute alone with Ava?’

Carolyn looked from Ivy to me and nodded uncertainly.

‘I’ll just be outside,’ she said.

I sat down in her chair but felt uneasy about doing so. Ivy shot me a mysterious look and I wondered what she was about to tell me.

‘Ava honey, you’ve been so good to me these past couple of months. You’ve given me hope and Lord knows I could use some of that right now. Without you, I’d never have dreamt it was possible to find Leo or see him again. I know I might not have a lot of time left, but if I could just meet him one last time it’d mean the world to me.’

The thought of Ivy having a limited time left to live made me want to cry. When I’d first met her, she’d seemed like one of those people who would be alive forever.

‘I’ll make it happen Ivy, but you can forget about leaving us any time soon. You’re going to be fine.’

‘Thank you, child. I got this saying I use to get me through times like this: everything will be OK in the end. If it’s not OK, it’s not the end.’

I smiled and squeezed her hand, suddenly feeling extremely stupid. She was fighting for her life and still retained so much hope about her dream coming true. Just because mine hadn’t been everything I’d expected, I’d tossed it aside and shut myself down. In truth, my hopes for true love had died the day Dave had left; I’d just tried to pretend otherwise. Pushing Max away because he wasn’t my “ideal” Mr Writer had been inevitable and would’ve happened to whoever he’d turned out to be. I’d completely closed myself off to love and used some silly fantasy to kid myself that I still believed in it. I was a fool.

I couldn’t face going into work the next morning. Maddie was having a cupcake party in the afternoon to celebrate her engagement, which sounded about as much fun as drinking urine.

Instead, I dragged my laptop off to a café just down the street and decided it would be my office for the day. Gwen and I still weren’t speaking. The atmosphere between us would’ve left Elsa from
Frozen
feeling a bit chilly. She’d flounced out the door that morning, taking a piece of burnt toast with her and leaving a horrible smell in the kitchen.

I planned to do some journalism that day but first I had to sort my life out. This quest to find Mr Writer had ruined everything: I’d lost my two best friends, ended up alone and lost sight of my goal of reuniting Ivy and Leo. I’d probably left it too late to stand any chance of getting my article on
Sleek
’s Valentine’s cover but that didn’t matter. I could hopefully still fix things and make a difference to people’s lives.

Top of my list was phoning Dr Browning to arrange a meeting for Ivy and Leo. I quickly dialled his number and waited for him to answer.

‘Hello, Dr Ian Browning speaking.’

‘Hi Ian, it’s Ava Clements from
Sleek
magazine. I was wondering if you’d had a chance to speak to your dad about possibly meeting Ivy?’

Ian paused for a second. I had an awful feeling he had some bad news to share.

‘Dad’s actually been quite ill recently so that’s why I haven’t been in touch. We thought he might’ve had another stroke but luckily it was just a minor infection. He took a while to recover but he’s getting there now. I… I’m just not sure whether meeting Ivy’s the best thing for him. We want to keep things as normal as possible for him, what with him being ill and everything, so I’m sorry Ava, it won’t be happening.’

‘Ian, please –’

Before I could plead Ivy’s case for her, Dr Browning hung up. I let my head hit the edge of the table over and over again. So much for sorting my life out. Just as I was contemplating giving up on everything, going home and hiding under my duvet,
Live Forever
by Oasis began playing through the café’s tinny stereo system.

My mind was instantly transported back to Manchester University, around six years earlier. Max and I were sitting in my student flat while rain battered off the window, eating chicken stir-fry and listening to a battered old stereo. Though I hadn’t realised it at the time, it had been one of the most perfect times of my life. Just sitting with Max, having a laugh and swapping stories while Oasis played, was amazing. He made something so simple into something fun.

No more giving up, I thought. No more throwing in the towel when things get tough. I came to this café to sort my life out and that’s what I’m going to do.

I started by leaving four impassioned voicemails for Dr Browning, pleading with him to reconsider. I explained that Leo and Ivy just had to meet, that she’d been ill recently too and it would be good for the two of them to see each other. By the fourth, I’d become a bit desperate so I issued an ultimatum: get back to me before lunch or the offer was coming off the table. I felt like a character from
Scandal
or something. Being forceful felt good.

Feeling like I was on a roll, I decided to invite Max and Gwen down to the café so we could fix things and become friends again. I secretly hoped things with Max weren’t as ruined as I thought but I knew I had to focus on one thing at a time. If we could be friends again, that would do for a start.

They walked in just before lunchtime, both looking like they’d rather be having root canal surgery than be here. I didn’t care, I was just grateful they’d shown up.

‘Hey guys.’ I gave a little sheepish wave and motioned to them to sit down.

‘This better be good; I’ve left my design sketchbook and three episodes of
Revenge
on Netflix back in the office.’

I giggled under my breath. If Gwen was mad at you, she always liked you to know what she’d sacrificed to come and talk to you.

‘I just don’t know what I’m doing here,’ Max admitted. He sat back in his chair and folded his arms. I had to admit he looked delightful in his aqua T-shirt and azure hoodie.

‘I know I’ve been a massive pain in the arse recently with this whole…well you know, the secret admirer thing–’

Max visibly tensed at the mention of the words “secret admirer”. I shot him a pleading glance, silently begging him not to give the game away. The last thing I wanted was for the fragile peace between Gwen and me to be ruined.

‘You can say that again!’ Gwen interrupted.

‘Thanks chick. I just wanted to say how sorry I am. I’ve been so hell bent on making this stupid fantasy real that I’ve shut out everything else, including you guys. Can you forgive me so we can be friends again?’

When he heard the word “friends”, Max looked up at me. I didn’t dare meet his gaze.

As always, Gwen was quick to accept my apology. ‘Course we can, you daft mare!’ She reached over the table to hug me.

‘Fancy a toffee nut latte?’

‘OK, but I’m buying!’ I shoved some money into her hand before she could protest.

I turned to look at Max. ‘Do you want anything?’

He opened his mouth to say something but thought better of it. I knew it was probably some witty veiled dig at me. I didn’t mind though; I deserved it after the way I’d treated him.

‘Not for me thanks.’

Gwen trotted up to the counter to order the drinks, leaving the two of us alone at the table.

‘Max, please can we be friends again? I hate not talking to you and I’m sorry for everything that happened…’

‘Is being friends what you want? Do you want us to hang out like we used to, having a laugh and swapping stories? Because that’s not enough for me any more Ava, and if you’re honest with yourself it’s not enough for you either.’

‘Max –’

‘I can’t stop thinking about the night we slept together Ava. It plays on my mind all the time and I wish I could just forget about it, but I can’t. You felt something too, I know you did…’ He paused for a second and swallowed hard. ‘But then I’m not enough for you, am I? You made that pretty clear.’

I covered my face with my hands. It felt like someone was stabbing me in the heart; I hated seeing Max in so much pain and knowing I’d caused it.

‘I’m so sorry. I-I know I was a complete cow but I was shocked; I didn’t expect
you
to be Mr Writer, did I?!’

‘Shocked is a bit of an understatement, don’t you think? No Ava, I’d say you were more disappointed that your fairy tale didn’t have a happier conclusion; that there was no handsome prince waiting for you, just me. Well I’m sorry; if I’d known you were going to be so cut up about it, I wouldn’t have bothered!’

We both paused for breath and sat back in our chairs, the tension between us still rife. There was so much emotion and history between us that I didn’t know if things could ever return to normal.

‘Please Max, you have to believe me; I’m so,
so
sorry about what happened. I never should’ve reacted like that; it was way out of order. We’ve been friends since we were six and I don’t know about you, but I don’t want to give up that easily.’

He looked at me and I wanted to cry. He looked deeply wounded and it killed me inside.

‘No,’ he said. ‘Me neither.’

‘Friends?’ I extended a hand, hoping he’d agree to a truce.

‘Ava, I risked everything for you! I put my heart, my feelings,
everything
on the line for the chance to be with you and you shoved it back in my face! How can I be friends with you after all that?! Do you expect me to just give up on everything I’ve ever wanted?!’

I took my hand back and allowed myself to sink back into my seat. ‘I know you did Max, and I know I didn’t handle it well, but I can’t lose you. It’ll take time for us to go back to how we were and even then, I know it might not be exactly the same, but I need to have you in my life! Please. I’m sorry you’ve had to give up so much; I never meant for you to get hurt. It just spun out of control and I didn’t know how to handle it.’

I looked at him, knowing I was completely at his mercy. He could walk out of the café now and never speak to me again. That was probably what I deserved, but the thought broke my heart.

Max ran a hand down his face. ‘I don’t know if I can do this Ava. You have no idea what it was like for me, watching you go from one bad guy to the next and wishing you could just see what was right in front of you. I can’t just magic my feelings for you away; believe me, I wish I bloody could! I-I just don’t know if I can go back to watching you fall in and out of love with people who aren’t me. After everything that’s happened, I don’t think we can ever go back to how we were before. I dunno, maybe we need some time away from each other—’

‘No!’ The thought of not seeing Max made a leaden weight of sadness drop into my stomach. ‘Max, if we drift apart now, we could lose each other forever. I don’t want that and I don’t think you do either.’

He pursed his lips and sighed.

‘I’m sorry, but you’re asking me to do something that I just can’t do. I can’t go back to being friends with you, not with how I feel about you. I’ll put on a show that everythng’s fine for Gwen’s sake; I don’t want things to be awkward for her.’ He paused and looked around the room for a second, as though he’d find the right words to say written on one of the cream-coloured walls.‘But Ava, I don’t know if things will ever be fine again; we can try wiping the slate clean, but the whole Mr Writer situation will always be there and I’ll always be in love with you, whether I like it or not. That being said, I don’t want a life without you. Who knows if we can fix things, but I suppose we can try.’ He leaned forward and lightly shook my hand. I loved how warm his palm felt on top of mine.