Kansas City Noir (27 page)
ALSO AVAILABLE IN THE AKASHIC NOIR SERIES
BALTIMORE NOIR,
edited by LAURA LIPPMAN
BARCELONA NOIR
(SPAIN), edited by ADRIANA V. LÓPEZ & CARMEN OSPINA
BOSTON NOIR,
edited by DENNIS LEHANE
BOSTON NOIR 2: THE CLASSICS,
edited by DENNIS LEHANE, JAIME CLARKE & MARY COTTON
BRONX NOIR,
edited by S.J. ROZAN
BROOKLYN NOIR,
edited by TIM MCLOUGHLIN
BROOKLYN NOIR 2: THE CLASSICS,
edited by TIM MCLOUGHLIN
BROOKLYN NOIR 3: NOTHING BUT THE TRUTH,
edited by TIM MCLOUGHLIN & THOMAS ADCOCK
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edited by DAVID L. ULIN
CHICAGO NOIR,
edited by NEAL POLLACK
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(DENMARK), edited by BO TAO MICHAËLIS
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edited by GEORGE PELECANOS
D.C. NOIR 2: THE CLASSICS,
edited by GEORGE PELECANOS
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(INDIA), edited by HIRSH SAWHNEY
DETROIT NOIR,
edited by E.J. OLSEN & JOHN C. HOCKING
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edited by LAWRENCE BLOCK
MANHATTAN NOIR 2: THE CLASSICS,
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,
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, edited by JULIE SCHAPER & STEVEN HORWITZ
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Akashic Books continued our award-winning series of original noir anthologies in 2006 with
Twin Cities Noir
. As the ensuing bonus story will demonstrate,
Twin Cities Noir
reveals the unseemly underside of Minneapolis/St. Paul like never before.
“St. Paul was originally called Pig’s Eye’s Landing and was named after Pig’s Eye Parrant—trapper, moonshiner, and proprietor of the most popular drinking establishment on the Mississippi. When Minnesota became a territory in 1849, the town leaders, realizing that a place called Pig’s Eye might not inspire civic confidence, changed the name to St. Paul, after the largest church in the city … Across the river, Minneapolis has its own sordid story. By the turn of the twentieth century it was considered one of the most crooked cities in the nation. As recently as the mid-‘90s, Minneapolis was called “Murderopolis” due to a rash of killings that occurred over a long hot summer. Every city has its share of crime, but what makes the Twin Cities unique may be that we have more than our share of good writers to chronicle it. They are homegrown and they know their territory … “
From the Introduction, by Julie Schaper & Steven Horwitz
Twin Cities Noir
features brand-new stories by David Housewright, Steve Thayer, Judith Guest, Mary Logue, Bruce Rubenstein, K.J. Erickson, William Kent Krueger, Ellen Hart, Brad Zeller, Mary Sharratt, Pete Hautman, Larry Millett, Quinton Skinner, Gary Bush, and Chris Everheart. In the summer of 2013, we’re releasing a reissue of the paperback with brand-new stories by John Jodzio, Tom Kaczynski (a.k.a. Tom K), and Sujata Massey. We’re pleased to present Pete Hautman’s story “The Guy” in its entirety in the following pages.
Twin Cities Noir,
edited by Julie Schaper and Steve Horwitz, is available in print and digital form on our website, online, and at your favorie brick & mortar bookstore. For more information, visit www.akashicbooks.com/twincitiesnoir.htm.
The following is our featured story from
Twin Cities Noir,
presented here with the author’s permission.
___________________
THE GUY
BY
P
ETE
H
AUTMAN
Troost Lake
Jane Day-Wellington said, “This thing is leaking.”
“What thing?”
“This drain thingie.” She pointed. “There’s water under the sink.”
Courtney Wellington fitted his Canterbury Park ball cap onto his head and shrugged. “So call the guy.”
“What guy?”
“The drain guy.”
Jane got down on her knees and looked carefully at the dripping pipe. “You can’t fix it?”
“Do I look like the drain guy?” He did not look like the drain guy. He looked like a genetically dilute, down-on-his-luck aristocrat in a baseball cap.
Jane said, “It’s just a little leak. If I call a plumber it’ll cost us a hundred bucks.”
“Old plumbing like that, it’ll probably cost more.”
“All the more reason to fix it ourselves … Where are you going?”
Courtney rolled his eyes and pointed at his lucky cap.
“You’re going to play poker? Again? I was hoping you could help me with the yard work.”
“Too hot. Besides, they’re having a drawing for a bass boat in the card room. I’ve filled out about forty tickets for the thing, and you have to be present to win.” He lifted his car keys from a set of hooks by the back door.
“What would
you
do with a bass boat?”
“Go fishing.”
“Right. What about this leak?”
“I told you. Call the guy.” And he was out the door.
* * *
“You fixin’ this yourself, darlin’?” The man in the orange apron hitched up his jeans and waddled toward the back of the plumbing aisle.
Jane followed. “That’s right. It’s a U-shaped pipe.” They reached a bin filled with PVC sink traps. “Like that.”
The hardware guy held up one of the traps. “Where’s it leakin’?”
“I think where it joins.” She touched the open end of the plastic pipe. “Here.”
The hardware guy—the name tag pinned to his apron read:
Doogie
—nodded seriously. “Well now, I would say that you have a partially clogged trap and a joint that’s not quite sealed.” He waited for a look of dread to appear on Jane’s face, then smiled and said, “You should be able to fix it in a jiffy. Won’t even need any tools.”
* * *
Courtney Wellington returned to his Linden Hills bungalow from the card room at Canterbury Park shortly after 11. He had not won the bass boat. Just as well—where would he put the thing? He poured himself a scotch, then turned to the sink only to find a bucket over the faucet handle. Courtney frowned at the bucket, gave it a moment’s thought, then removed it and turned on the water. He let it run for a few seconds to cool it, added a splash of water to his scotch, then looked down to see what was going on with his feet. Water was pouring from the cabinet beneath the sink. Courtney shut off the flow and marched directly to the bedroom where Jane was sitting up with a book, her reading glasses resting midway down her nose.
“What the hell happened to the sink?”
She looked up with a half-smile. “I’m fixing it.”
“Fixing? My shoes are soaked.”
“Didn’t you see the bucket?”
“What am I supposed to think? There’s a bucket over the sink. What’s that supposed to mean?”
“I told you the drain was leaking.”
“And I told you to call the guy.”
Jane returned her attention to her book. Courtney slowly undressed, leaving his clothing in a pile on the floor. He donned his blue silk pajamas and got into bed with his wife and his glass of diluted scotch.
“Did you win your boat?”
“No.”
“Did you win anything?”
“Yes. I won $37.”
“That’s why I’m fixing the sink myself.”
Courtney frowned, struggling to make the connection. “Why?”
“Because we can’t afford to call the plumber.”
“You make good money.”
“I bring home $370 a week. That’s hardly enough for food and shelter.”
“We have my trust fund.”
Jane laughed.
“What’s so funny?”
“The great Wellington trust fund. What is that? Another $200 a month?”
“$246.”
“Yee-ha.”
“Plus my poker winnings.”
“If they’re even real.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
Jane sighed. “Nothing.” She did not actually doubt that Courtney won at cards. She had once gone to Canterbury to watch him play, just to make sure that was what he was actually doing. The image had stayed with her: Courtney in his lucky cap and sunglasses, wearing headphones attached to his iPod, sitting slumped at the hold’em table, $3 and $6 limit, folding hand after hand, waiting for the next “sucker” or “steamer” or “calling station”—he had a different name for every variety of loser—to join the game. Some days he won a couple hundred dollars, most days less than fifty. Sometimes he lost. As near as Jane could calculate—assuming that what he told her was true—Courtney was earning about $5 an hour playing poker. Less than she made at Cub Foods.
* * *
“Ya see, ya can’t go metal to PVC without using an adapter,” said Doogie. As if she should have known.
“I don’t understand why you didn’t tell me that last time I was here. This is my fourth trip back. First you sell me a pipe, then I find out I need a wrench, then I need another kind of wrench, and now this.”
“Lady, I can’t read your mind. How am I suppose to know you got metal pipes?”
Jane bit back her response. She said, “Do you have one of those … adapta things?”
“Adapter? Sure I do.” He produced a white plastic ring from one of the wire bins. “Eighty-nine centavos, señorita. Only I think you ought to just go with a metal trap.”
“But you already sold me the other one.”
“Bring it back.”
“But I don’t want to come back.”
“Then use the adapter.”
Jane frowned at the device in the hardware man’s hand. “And that’s all I need? I put it on and my sink will no longer leak?”
“Lady, without lookin’ at it myself, there’s no way I can promise you anything.”
“I don’t want to have to come back here.”
“You want my advice, lady? Call a plumber.”
“You sound just like my husband.”
“How so?”
“He’s an incompetent chauvinist prick too.”
“Whoa! Mee-yow!”
“I am most definitely not coming back here,” Jane said as she turned away.
