Kathryn Magendie (20 page)

Deidra smoothed her hair. “My mom says that girl is nutso from having no dad and a crazy mom. She said Sweetie belongs in the nut house instead of running all over like a wild animal.”

“We never seen where she goes.” T. J. eyed me up and down with his lip curled as he always curled it when he thought he was smart. “Does she live in a cave with bears?” He screeched like a hyena. “Do they have a black cauldron where they boil children?”

Deidra’s mouth puckered. “Mom said no telling what made them
that way
.” She said
that way
as if it was something nasty in her mouth. “She said Sweetie’s mom was nothing but a tart swinging her hips around when they went to school together.”

My ice cream melted onto my hand as I stood there. The other cherry slid off to the floor. I didn’t stoop to pick it up. I said, with too much pride for the wrong reasons, “Sweetie and Miss Mae have a nice clean house. I’ve been there plenty of times.” I liked how their eyes got wide and curious looking. “And Miss Mae is beautiful. And it’s quiet there.” I wanted to say more, but I imagined Sweetie’s face if she heard me talking about them.

“Goody goody gumdrop for you,” Deidra said.

T. J. curled up both sides of his mouth, said, “I bet they hunch in their cave and cast spells.
Wiiitchesssss
.” He cackled like a cartoon witch and made his fingers into claws.

The heat started in my chest and worked its way to my face. “Both you shut your fat mouths!”

T. J. laughed an ugly laugh. Deidra looked at me as if she thought I was as crazy as she thought Sweetie was.

“Kids, I’m going to have to ask you to leave if you can’t behave in my shop.” The man had both hands on the counter and leaned forward. “Miss, go on outside with your ice cream, it’s dripping all over the floor.” He shook his head at me. “Kids, they don’t ever change. I’ll need a mop now.” He turned and went through a door to the back.

T. J. turned to me, crossed his eyes, and whispered. “
Craazzzzy
people.”

Deidra snickered.

I hesitated. Nobody wanted to be branded as crazy. It was bad enough to be fat and four eyed, but to be crazy was an even worse fate. I opened the door and hurried outside. They didn’t follow me and I was so filled with relief I almost forgot why I was there, to wait for Jeremy. I ate what was left of my ice cream with my back against the wall. I ate without feeling any joy and that made me mad.

I was still there when a group of kids from school herded through the door. They didn’t act as if they noticed me. Jeremy wasn’t with them, so I eased down the wall until I was folded into a tight ball, my arms around my knees and my head resting on my arms. I thought about what T. J. and Deidra said. Maybe Miss Mae
was
crazy. I had never met a crazy person before. I’d never known a mother to stay in bed all the time while her daughter had to do all the work and cooking, and ran out in the middle of the night.

 
It wasn’t long before the kids stampeded out, and still no one bothered to say a word to me. A few of the girls looked down at me and then quickly away, but not before I saw their smirks. When T. J. and Deidra came out, they whispered to each other, laughed, and then walked down the street. T. J. picked up a rock and threw it at the side of the building, so close to my head, I jumped up. This made him laugh even louder while Deidra giggled behind her hand.

T. J. called out, “Better be careful. That old witch might shoot at you, too.” They both ran off after the herd.

The magic of the day had left me. I thought if Jeremy could just come by and see me sitting there, his heart would melt. I could tell him about Sweetie and they could become friends. The three of us would explore the mountain together and one day, when Sweetie wasn’t around, I could kiss Jeremy’s lips for real.

I sat for another eleven minutes before I gave up and ran to the mountain. I ran to Whale Back, my stupid dress catching on twigs and stickers, and called out for Sweetie. No message was scribbled in the dirt, no moccasin message under the rock. I waited for an hour and three minutes for her to come, but she never did. All the way home, I mumbled to myself about how selfish she was. How she never wanted to do anything other than run on the mountain. I stomped through the trail and fussed about how she should understand I wanted to go to stupid town some-stupid-time. All the way home, I made myself feel as if I was the good one and Sweetie was the mean one.

Back at the house, I cleaned up and thought about things. Once clean, I went to the living room and asked Mother for more new clothes. She was so surprised; she closed her poetry notebook, looked at me, and said, “I think we can go to my dress shop first thing tomorow.” She stood up and smoothed her skirts. “This is so exciting, isn’t it?”

“Yeah. I guess so.”

“We can have lunch while we’re out.”

“That’s fine, Mother.”

***

The next day, I tried on lots of outfits before picking a dress, different colored tops, jeans, shorts, sandals, flip flops, boots, and t-shirts. Mother jabbered all the way home about the exquisite dresses and the exquisite taste and the exquisite who cares exquisite
blah bleah blork bleep.
I didn’t care one exquisite bit.

The day after that, before I could let myself feel shame over my need to see Jeremy, I spilled more money from my bank to use at the ice cream shop. I wore my new jeans and royal blue pullover shirt, so I wouldn’t look as if I was trying too hard to look any certain way but a girl going to get ice cream.

Mother stopped me at the door. “Where are you off to in your new outfit?”

“To the ice cream shop.”

“Oh no, Melissa. You’ve lost weight.”

“All the kids go there.”

“Sweet-tea, too?”

I swallowed my guilty feelings. “No, she’s not going.”

“Well, I suppose if it’s a kids’ hangout, there’s nothing wrong with a tiny bit of ice cream.” She reached for her gloves on the hall table and put them on. “I’ll drop you there and do a little shopping for me this time.”

Waiting for Mother to get ready, I had an argument in my head. Jeremy and I could walk hand in hand and then he might kiss me, more than once. Yet, I wanted to put on my boy’s clothes and run wild in the woods with Sweetie, never caring about becoming-a-woman kinds of things.

Mother picked up her purse and keys, humming with such a happy sound that I almost felt sorry for all the trouble I’d caused her all my life.

In the car, she tapped her nails on the steering wheel.

“Mother?”

“Yes, dear?” With her right hand, she searched through her purse for her lipstick.

“Why don’t you like Sweetie?”

“Now what kind of question is that?”

“I don’t know.”

“That girl is trouble. You see all those scars? Someone’s getting to that girl, and I don’t want you in the middle of it.”

“That’s not how it is.”

“Then how is it?”

I didn’t know how to explain it without giving away Sweetie’s secrets. Besides, it was all sounding weird to me, being away from it as I had been lately. “She has accidents is all.”

“Oh, Melissa. You are so naïve. You always have been.” She smeared pink lipstick across her mouth, smacked her lips together, then asked, “How long do you need with your little friends?”

I wanted to shout that they were not my
little friends
, but instead I answered, “Is an hour and a half too long?”

“No, not at all. I need some stockings and a new scarf. Yes, and a new dress will turn your father’s eye again, don’t you think?”

“I guess so.”

“I saw a rather modern one the other day. I may try it. And maybe I’ll get my hair cut into one of those new hair do’s like I saw on one of your television shows. And some go-go boots, you think? I bet he notices me then.”

I stared at her as if she were an alien.

She glanced at me. “What?”

“Nothing.”

“Sometimes a woman has to do things, that’s all. You’ll understand one day.”

I didn’t tell her that maybe I understood a little bit. Maybe I felt some of those things about Jeremy. It was weird to think I could compare myself to my mother, but at the same time, it made me feel closer to her. I couldn’t sort through all the thoughts rushing around in my brain so fast I couldn’t keep them straight. My brain was the most alive part of my whole body.

She dropped me in front of the ice cream shop and after I peeked in and saw Jeremy wasn’t there, I didn’t even bother going inside. I again stood with my back against the wall and hoped the other kids would stay away. After twenty-one minutes of waiting, I saw him before he saw me and my heart beat so hard I was sure he’d see it through my shirt.

I timed it so that when he was at the door, I was there, too. Without looking at me, he said, “Have you seen Beatrice?”

“N-n-n-no. I h-h-haven’t.” I tried to control my tongue, but it didn’t listen. I tried to breathe, but my breath caught. “I was g-g-going to g-g-get some ice cream.” I swallowed hard, swallowed the old Melissa down and smiled in the way I saw Mother smile at Father. Breathe. In. Out. “Are you g-going to get some ice dream, Jeremy?” I couldn’t believe I said ice dream. I was an idiot.

His eyes glittered and he suddenly looked happy. My heart jumped out and landed right on his lips, but his lips shouted out, “There she comes!” He pushed me out of the way. My shoulder burned where he touched me. He shouted again as he waved his hand in the air, “Hey, you, over here!”

Beatrice skipped to him, her red ponytail swinging from side-to-side in a way mine never, ever would, even if it were still long instead of chopped short. Jeremy stood with his thumbs hooked into his back pockets, and his chest stuck out in that way boys do when they’re showing off. I never had a boy stick out his chest and put his hands in his pockets like that for me. When she was near him, she stopped, put her hands behind her back, and looked down at the ground. Jeremy reached out and pulled her ponytail. Beatrice screeched a silly giggle. They stood like that for a while, until they finally walked into the ice cream parlor, their hands almost touching, but not quite. That almost touch pierced my heart more than if they had held hands.

When Mother came to get me, I had gobbled three ice cream cones with extra sprinkles and a napkin full of cherries, not bothering to hide my piggy ways from Jeremy and Beatrice. They didn’t notice anyway, as Jeremy drank his chocolate malted, and Beatrice an egg cream. I didn’t even care if T. J. walked in and called me a fat fool. That was surely what I was.

That night I lay in bed thinking how I’d torn apart the bond between Sweetie and me. All over silly things like a silly boy and silly cold ice cream and silly everything. I hurt Sweetie for the stupid reason I thought Jeremy was handsome. I had always thought I wasn’t pretty enough, good enough, skinny enough, anything enough, to have anyone like Jeremy. But as I sat in that ice cream parlor slurping ice cream and watching him, I saw how he really was. How he giggled like a girl, and how his teeth didn’t look clean. And when he said he didn’t understand why people thought the mountains were so great, he liked the flattest part of Kansas better, I knew I was a fool for thinking I loved him. I was stupid enough to lose someone like Sweetie, the best friend I ever had, my very own bound blood sister, over a boy, and worse, a boy like Jeremy.

I fell asleep and the dream took over. I was covered in mist. My body could not move. My brain did all the work.
Sweetie sang as she sat in a tree. She turned into a bird and flew away from me
. When I woke, a storm blew. Tree limbs whipped and rain hit the roof loud and hard. When it thundered, the floor shook. Lightning ripped the sky. I hid in my room, not aware of the time or caring. I was shamed. I’d told Miss Mae I’d watch after Sweetie and all I’d done was be mean to her and desert her.